SNAKES ON A KNIGHT BUS
On some days, when Lord Voldermort was feeling especially evil, he liked to cook up elaborate evil schemes that could only be pulled off in his imagination. Schemes that would totally annihilate Harry Potter, Boy Wonder.
He had never considered actually using any of these schemes, of course. He was always able to think of better schemes, naturally with a higher chance of success.
But none of his schemes so far had worked, had they? So Voldy decided to take a chance and put one of these schemes in action. It was the perfect opportunity: everyone was going to a wedding.
Harry Potter was indeed going to the wedding of his fellow ex-Triwizard Champion to his ex-girlfriend's brother. Harry couldn't Apparate, the Floo Network and Portkeys carried bad memories, and a broom would be spotted by Muggles, so Harry was forced to take the Knight Bus, which was never too pleasant.
The Bus was more crowded than Harry had ever known it to be. When he finally found an empty bed, he stretched out on it, jostling around as the Bus jerked around corners. He finally got used to the rhythm and fell asleep, hoping to stay that way for the rest of the long ride to the Burrow.
However, Harry woke up about an hour later to a high pitched scream. He shoved on his glasses and saw that all the wizards and witches around him were standing on top of their beds and looking around in panic. He looked down to see that the entire floor was swarming with snakes.
"These snakes are on crack!" screeched Dolores Umbridge, "Their trying to eat all of us!"
Harry was tempted to let the snakes go right ahead and eat her, but then he saw an old man at the back of a bus whose bottom half was completely trapped inside a snake. Harry's super-hero side roared loudly and he pulled out his wand, shooting a spell at the snake. The spell did absolutely nothing. He fired spell after spell at the snakes below him, but none of them worked at all.
Harry pulled a loose bar from his iron bed and resorted to physically beating as many snakes as he could while herding all the panicked wizards and witches up to the second level of the bus, shutting the door on the swarm of snakes. He found Ernie and Stan in the corner. "Who's driving this bus if you're up here!" he shouted at them.
"We magicked the bus to drive itself," Stan wheezed. "I narrowly avoided being eaten!"
"How did these snakes get here? Why didn't you just stop the bus?" Harry asked irritably.
"They started coming in through the walls," Stan said, "Then this big one started talking to us, said they was from You-Know-Who! Then they said this Bus will explode if it goes below 50 MPH!"
"Nagini!" Harry exclaimed, a light bulb going off, "Voldermort doesn't know that I know Nagini is a Horcrux!"
"Or maybe he knows you know but doesn't want you to know he knows," Stan suggested.
"But maybe he knows I know and wants me to think he doesn't know I know."
"Or maybe he knows-"
"Hey guys, the snakes are getting under the door," Luna pointed out.
"I am so tired of these mother-fucking snakes on this mother-fucking plane! I mean bus!" Harry roared, whacking at the snakes with his weapon of mass destruction.
Many violent snake killings and sexually charged romps in the bathroom later, Harry was finally able to take on Nagini. This was it; if he killed Nagini, he'd be destroying a Horcrux; if Nagini killed him, then he'd be dead and Voldermort would be in control of the entire world.
So Harry totally stabbed Nagini through the heart, made everyone jump out the windows, and then went surfing with Stan Shunpike.
The End.