Lumpus in Love
Note: Camp Lazlo fan-fiction. Scoutmaster Algonquin G. Lumpus has been in love with Jane Doe since he was a Bean Scout. This story goes into detail about his long-lasting love for her and how one girl, Rita Rabbit, almost drove him mad. The bad news is, she's a health inspector and coming to Camp Kidney to make certain it meets FDA standards.
"What do you know about does, Slinkman ?", Al to Slinkman
"Like you…nothing.", Slinkman to Al, 'Camp Lazlo'
Chapter 1—Cute but Slightly Psycho
Slinkman had arrived in Scoutmaster Algonquin Lumpus' cabin, informing him that the inspectors were coming. Lumpus wasn't worried. He knew he could pass their inspections; he had done so every year prior. However, it was different this time.
"Rita Rabbit is head of investigations.", were Slinkman's final words. At that moment, Lumpus became pale. He clutched him by the shoulders and stared him straight in his antennae eyes.
"Are you sure it is the Rita Rabbit coming to Camp Kidney ?", Lumpus asked, becoming slightly worried. Slinkman looked through his clipboard of information and memos.
"I'm sure she is, Sir. I don't know of any other Rita Rabbits in this area.", he answered. Lumpus slumped in his chair.
"I was afraid you'd say that.", he answered. Slinkman had never seen Al so depressed or stressed before.
"What's so bad about her ? Surely she can't be all that bad.", Slinkman said in a cheerful tone.
"Oh, but you don't know her the way I do, Slinkman. Real nut case that one. When I was a Bean Scout, I loved every moment of it. Until the night of the mixer. The girls from Acorn Flats came over to dance. This was the same time I found my true love, Jane.", Lumpus began. Slinkman sat down across from Al's desk and listened intently, focusing on every syllable.
"But just like then I always had trouble talking to her. Rita, on the other hand, had no trouble talking to me. Oh, she was pure evil, Slinkman ! Despite her wiles, wit and charm she was kooky. She always told me the same boring yarn about the nine inch catfish she caught and still had mounted at her house. She took great pride in that. She tried to force me to be her gopher and date. She wore we'd marry someday but I was more than glad to see my parents once camp was over. That girl was slightly psychotic.", Lumpus said, shuttering after going over the details.
"Well Sir, I wish there was some way for me to deter her but I'm afraid an administrative assistant like myself can only do so much.", Slinkman said, patting Al's shoulder. Lumpus sighed and got up, looking out the window.
"We'll get through this, Slinkman. Once she becomes acquainted with the Bean Scouts she'll wish she never came.", Algonquin said, laughing lightly. The truth of the matter was he loved the Scouts as if they were his own children but he couldn't let anyone (not even Slinkman) know of that for fear his disciplinarian, pedantic reputation would be ruined.
Chapter 2—Army of Inspectors
Despite her feminine garb, Rita Rabbit was like Mussolini reincarnated. She lined up her group by name alphabetically, standing at attention. None of them had any trace of emotion. If one even smirked, they were forced to do pushups. Therefore, no one dared to upset her and followed suit. Soon, her army of inspectors was already checking every cabin on the campground. The campers, although being merry, had gone about their duties of the day. Then, the lead inspector, Rita, found Al idly watching birds in the trees. Rita tapped him on the shoulder and once Al saw her, he jumped. He settled down quickly and remained calm.
"Algonquin ! Look at you ! You haven't changed, except, well, you're more handsome than ever. I'm surprised some sweet young thing hasn't swept you off your feet.", Rita commented, surveying Al with her stunning blue eyes. If it wasn't for the fact that she had 'issues' then egalitarian romance would've been possible. But they were so opposite one another that a relationship was unlikely. Before Lumpus could speak, Slinkman returned with the news and current happenings.
"Also, Sir, the Squirrel Scouts are visiting today for a luncheon. Jane will be there and she said she was looking forward to seeing you again.", Slinkman said. He hadn't realized that Rita was standing next to him. Lumpus was blushing furiously and knew he had a bad situation on his hands.
"Jane, hmmm ? I'll have to meet her in person. I hope you don't mind me staying a bit longer, Al.", Rita said, unexpectedly hugging him from the side. She left, humming a cheerful melody.
"This is going to be a long day.", Al said, hanging his head sorrowfully.
"Don't worry about her, Sir. If anything, I'll try to clue Jane in to how you really feel about her.", Slinkman said, patting him on the back. Lumpus' frown turned into a look of concern.
"That won't be necessary.", he responded, raising his hands up quickly and dropping them idly at his sides. No matter what the outcome was, with Rita involved matters would not end well.
Chapter 3—A Not So Civil Luncheon
All campers had been gathered for lunch and the noontime grace had been said by Al. Before he could enjoy a quiet, uneventful meal, Rita sat next to him.
"So, where's this Jane your adorable assistant mentioned ?", she questioned, a hint of jealousy in her sultry voice. Al didn't point to Jane but to her assistant, Bernice, who was a Bobcat. Edward who was watching had trouble stifling a guffaw, but already knew what Algonquin was up to. Usually bobcats like Bernice were docile but when confronted with prey—look out ! Before Rita could say anything, Bernice had begun gnawing at Rita's hand. Edward was literally rolling on the floor with laughter at the scene.
"Sorry, Luv. Carnal nature.", Bernice said, letting go of Rita's paw. Much to Rita's disgust, her hand was covered in saliva. With a look of horror, she shook it off.
"I take it then you're not Jane.", Rita said, stating the obvious.
"No, she is. Allow me to introduce you.", Bernice said, politely. Before Jane could offer her hand to shake Rita's, Rita had slapped her in the face. At this point, the campers had stopped everything to see what had happened and Al was underneath a table, hunched in fetal position. Edward, his underling, was trying to pull him out from under the table to have him cease a potential outbreak.
"How dare you, you vile vixen ! I've had my mind, heart, and yes even my soul set out to court and perhaps even marry Al, but you…You have stepped into forbidden territory.", Rita seethed.
"Excuse me, do I know you ?", Jane questioned, shocked by the sudden outburst of violence and rudeness in Rita's voice. Before a fight could occur, Bernice stopped Rita from becoming more vicious.
"I don't know who you are, missy, but whatever the problem is, it can be solved in a civil manner.", Bernice said directly to Rita. Rita sighed, rolling her eyes.
"I'll abide by your rules but be warned. I will do whatever it takes to win the heart of my one and only.", Rita said, fists clenched. Algonquin noticed Edward wasn't paying any attention to what he was doing, so he thought he could make a quick escape from the cafeteria. At that precise moment, Bernice dragged him into the field where most of the campers' activities took place. There would be some friendly competition, or 'games' held to settle the problem Rita had with Jane. Al wanted to get out of refereeing, but Slinkman was in his office categorizing papers.
As soon as Lumpus yelled for him, Slinkman was there in a flash. Lumpus still wasn't going to get out of the situation of telling Jane how he truly felt, and Edward told him he had to stand up for himself and settle the matter if worse came to worse.
Chapter 4—Let "The Games" Begin
To settle any dispute between the campers or anyone, games were played. One of these games was volleyball. Rita didn't play according to the rules, but Jane won every match. Other friendly competition ensued until both players were exhausted.
"You're quite an opponent, I'll give you that, Rita.", Jane said, shaking Rita's hand firmly. Despite what had happened earlier, Jane had willingly forgiven Rita for her rage. Rita then knew she had been beaten and took Jane to Al. Then, he placed Al's hand in Jane's.
"You're more woman than I am, Jane. He's all yours.", Rita said, walking away. Edward, who thought Rita was a cute bunny when he first saw her, was now reconsidering his feelings and was glad to see her go. Lumpus was absolutely right about her personality. She definitely had problems. Rita then gravitated toward Slinkman but Lumpus stood up for him.
"We've had quite enough, Ms. Rabbit. Take your inspectors and kindly leave. If you return to this campground again, I'll call the authorities.", Lumpus said. It was at this point that Rita knew she had been defeated. She was at last speechless and had no witty retort before she left the premises.
Chapter 5—Under the Stars
Out by a campfire, the Bean Scouts were roasting marshmallows for s'mores. Luckily, Raj hadn't been binging on them so the campers could eat as many as they wanted. Raj didn't eat any s'mores for fear his marshmallow addiction would flare up again. So, he stuck to candy orange slices Slinkman had sneaked in from Lumpus' secret candy hoard. While Edward told the Bean Scouts and Squirrel Scouts horrifying ghost stories, Al and Jane watched the stars. Suddenly there was a meteorite that went whooshing by.
"Ooo ! Make a wish, quickly !", Jane exclaimed, giddily. Lumpus made a wish and hoped that perhaps it would come true but he would have to help it along.
"Who was that Rita woman ? What was she yammering on about ?", Jane questioned, looking directly at Lumpus. Lumpus blushed and looked away slightly.
"I knew her when I was a Bean Scout. Apparently she always had a crush on me and wouldn't let me go. I thought I wouldn't see her again until today but now she won't be a problem.", Lumpus said, smiling for the first time. For once around Jane he hadn't stuttered or even broke into a sweat. He was growing more confident around her.
"That's great news, Al. I'm also pleased you received such a tremendous report on Camp Kidney.", Jane said pleasantly. Lumpus knew he had the campers to thank and he would repay them later somehow. He could always rebuild his reputation up later but the campers deserved a treat. Before the two Scoutmasters said farewell and goodnight, Al confessed how he felt about Jane. Jane was rather flattered. She didn't know how to respond to his sincere praise. Even if this friendship wasn't meant to become a romance, AL was more than pleased that he could be in Jane's presence. He kissed her on the cheek and wished her a good night. She tittered gently; bid him a night of sweet dreams and hopes that his wish came true.
Chapter 6—A Whole New Lumpus
Lazlo, Raj, Clam—everyone had noticed how Lumpus had changed since the luncheon with the Squirrel Scouts. True, they would see them frequently, but Algonquin's demeanor had transformed. Whatever had gotten into him had made him an even more joyful man. The campers knew he was in love and they were pleased for him. Lumpus even allowed the campers the reward he had promised them for their exceptional work they had done the day before. He called for pizza, ice cream cake and a local band to come and play for the scouts. The campers didn't realize how hip Lumpus could be but he didn't want anyone else to know. However, in all honesty he didn't care if anyone else was aware of his 'coolness factor'.
Epilogue
Although Lumpus was still a stickler for the rules of Camp Kidney, his heart was softer than usual. Lazlo and his friends had been aware that Lumpus had a heart of gold but this well-kept secret hadn't been revealed until now. True, the feelings of love had been exchanged, but neither Lumpus nor Jane knew where the blossoming relationship would take them. Whatever the situation, the two Scoutmasters would always be best of friends and that above all, was the most precious blessing either of them could be thankful for.
The End
August 22, 2005