Looking out of the window Fenris saw nothing but the sparkling lights of the city. It was well past sunset and the moon was high in the sky. He hadn't heard from Hawke in some time, his heart ached for her night she left the only clue to her disappearance was the note stating she had to go help Varric. Fenris knew she would come back, but until then he had to hands nevertheless clutching onto the window frame. It was an anchor that keeps him grounded.
Earlier during the day there had been an Inquisition messenger with a letter from Varric, but Fenris was worried about opening the letter since it had been so long since he heard from his love. So long since he touched her skin, felt his lips against her. What would he find within? The fear ate at him, tying his stomach in knots.
Fenris looked at the unopened Tevinter wine bottle that sat on his desk across the room. He could already taste the wine in his mouth. That sweet, tart flavor splashed against his tongue. The bottle was surrounded by the amassed books he had read. Along with the other half he had planned to read.
He quickly walked over to the desk. In order get through this note he would need a swig of that sweet poison. He picked/lifted up the bottle and held it to his lips, the temptation to take a drink was a rooting pain. The call of those red waters, to just let go of everything and down the bottle to drown in it. How much he wanted to take a sip, how many times since Hawke left had he almost given in.
He couldn't take a drink, not after he promised Hawke. To fight against the addiction, had to deny the freedom the wine had given him. Fenris put the wine bottle down with a thump, slamming his hands onto the desk, his body rocking with rage. His head was hanging low, ashamed that he had almost given into the siren's call. His body gave out as he slid into his chair.
He took his small dagger to pull up the wax that was keeping the letter sealed. To see what Varric had to say. It denoted that she gone into the Fade with this so called Inquisitor Zara, but didn't return with the group.
Varric said the Inquisition assumed that she was dead. That they would never see her he would never see his wife again.
Fenris slumped against the desk covering his face that was filled with sorrow. With a sigh, he peeked through his fingers as he glanced at the wine again. He let the paper slide from his hand, landing on the desk. He knew all along that magic was no good, that it destroyed everything it touched. Everything he held dear.
He had warned Hawke so many times before, and tried to make her see. Even though Hawke was a mage, it only meant that she need to be that much more careful. He was always worried about her. He feared something might happen and he would lose her to the magic. He was always in a state of anxiety that she would leave and never come back. He felt the pang of grief as his nightmare was confirmed.
"Daddy?"
"Daddy?" The little girl's voice shook Fenris out of his thoughts. Fenris slipped the note off the desk and into his palm. He slowly folded it up and slid it into his pocket.
Fenris turned to look at his daughter, she looked so much like her mother. Like his Hawke. Her curly, moonlight hair was pulled back into two braids tied with black ribbons. Her sparkling innocent green eyes looking up at him. His heart aced just a little more as he saw the sweet dimpled cheeks. His chest constricted just a little more as he saw the sweet dimpled cheeks.
He feared she would never see her mother again, the thought nearly drove him to tears. Thinking about the little moments Hawke would miss as her daughter grew up. She was wearing the nightgown that Hawke had made for her, red with black ruffles.
He moved out of the chair, holding his arms out to her. He heard a giggle escape her lips, as she ran into his arms. He cradled her there, his face buried in her hair. She reminded him so much of her mother, of his wife, that they both may never see again.
"Dalinev, we are going on a trip to visit Uncle Varric." He held his voice relatively calm despite his heart crumbling inside him. He placed a kiss on the top of her head before he continued."Go, pack some warm clothes, we will be leaving soon."
Dalinev wiggled with excitement out of his arms to get down. "Mommy, is with Uncle Varric. I miss her." Her voice rang like bells as she spoke. Even their daughter's voice was like Hawke' felt as if a frozen knife slid into his heart.
"I know baby, so do I. The faster you get ready the sooner we can leave." his voice was on the edge of breaking as he tried to hurry her along.
He couldn't tell her.
Not yet.
Not until it was confirmed.
By Varric.
In person.
When her tiny toes reached the floor she darted out of his arms and ran off to her once again leaned back into the chair to sit down, just to try and catch a breath.
Fenris couldn't believe she was gone. He refused to believe that she was dead. She couldn't be, not after everything that they had been through. He wouldn't let her be gone. Even if it meant he would going into the fade himself and bring her home. He would do everything in his power to get her back.
Why did she even leave? Why did she leave her family? How could she do this to them? When he got her back he would never let her go again without them by her side.
Fenris could feel the lyrium in his blood pumping with rage. Once again magic had changed his life, twisting it into a black pool of pain. He grabbed the bottle of ink off the desk and threw it across the room. It shattered as it impacted the wall.
He needed to make his way to Skyhold. The journey would be a long one, taking a ship across the waters to Jadar and getting a surefooted horse to ride through the rain-slick mountains. He would have to get message to Isabel, to see if she could take them across the Waking Sea.
Perhaps it would be difficult, but the last thing he would do was leave Hawke's and his daughter in someone else care. Not after the news he just received. She was all the he had left, she was his whole world now that Hawke was…
His only thoughts now were to protect Dalinev and to get to Skyhold.