AntiStumpy's Anti Stumpy Society's The Patriot

by Duchess of Inkling

This is a revised and improved edition of The Patriot, as approved by Anti-Stumpy's Anti Stumpy Society, who produced this in their own studios at Wet and Weedy Productions. And no, don't take it too seriously.

Wet And Weedy Productions Present:

The Anti-Stumpy's Anti Stumpy Society's Approved Version Of The Patriot

(A/N: You guessed it, dear reader, you've landed your pretty self in yet another of my vaguely stupid and especially mean-spirited parodies of well- known works of, er, art. This is a revised version of The Patriot, in order to conform to the rules for art as dictated by Anti-Stumpy's Anti Stumpy Society. The name Stumpy refers to that lout Stumpy Gibson, the God of all things tasteless, and Anti-Stumpy to his arch-nemesis Jason Isaacs, or loveliness incarnate. Any jokes about Catholics are directed only at Stumpy's family, who are a gruesome creed of jew-hating host-munchers who deserve no respect.)

SCENE UN

THE SCENERY: Tasteless pastoral fantasy décor. Many, many ugly children are running around, making themselves easy targets for jokes about Catholics. Then we finally see STUMPY. Stumpy likes chairs. Chair, Stumpy, chair! We then skip a few scenes during which slavery is blatantly denied and yet another one of Stumpy's far too numerous spawn shows up, thankfully injured. (frankly, the producers do not have a clue what goes on now, as they usually use these scenes to make extremely witty remarks about Stumpy and his endless amount of children) Suddenly.......a man with a big hairy hat shows up and waves friendlily at the ugly children.

Tavington: "Hello, ugly children! Do you like my adorable fluffy hat?"

Random English Captain: "I was not about to chat up Stumpy's slightly less ugly son at all, and you have not crudely interrupted me. Feel free to point your gun at people and address the fact that Stumpy is denying the existence of slavery."

Tavington: "And I will. Oh, by the by, what is this note which I feel anxious about, and of which it is quite clear that the owner of it will suffer my wrath, and who does it belong to?"

Gabriel Stumpy: "Oh, that's mine."

* His family smack themselves *

Stumpy: "What did you expect him to do, he inherited his two genius brain cells from my sister and me. Plus, he's Southern."

Tavington: "Time for a clever remark to show them that even if the British aristocracy is inbred, at least it's been inbred from good genes. Ahaha."

Stumpy: "No clever remark is necessary."

Tavington: "Oh, for God's sake.. take that little deformed freak and make him into a nice weather vane for my personal amusement."

Stumpy's smaller and more inbred son: "Noooo! I am so inbred that I move in slowmotion!"

* Stumpy's smaller and more inbred son bumps into a bullet. A bullet that previously belonged to Col. Tavington. For some reason this makes Stumpy move in slow motion too and stare into the sky with an expression of utter vacancy (or of a longing for donuts....whichever you will....) in his eyes*

Tavington: "Ha. Well, that's one less polluter of the gene-pool. Bye!"

* He leaves and takes Gabriel Stumpy with him*

(In between scenes, Stumpy rescues Gabriel Stumpy, and chops a lot of adorable Scotsmen to pieces. This is not very nice of Stumpy.)

SCENE DEUX

THE SCENERY: Cosy tent.

Tavington: "Hello there, little boy."

Adorable and Mistreated Scot: "I am adorable. Let my sweetness and beautiful accent contrast with Stumpy's banter and nastiness. But let's not be too ungrateful. After all, it was him who caused me to be in this snug tent with you, Colonel. In a bed. Semi-undressed."

Tavington: "Yes, snug it is, indeed......"

* Wilkins interrupts *

Wilkins: "I don't like Stumpy anymore."

Tavington: "Why would I trust a man who'd betray his own father/cousin?"

Wilkins: "Because..... I am the ONLY American willing to join you?"

Tavington: "Aha. Whatever did happen to historical accuracy in this film. Well, you're hired, anyway. Weirdo."

* he leaves *

(In between scenes, Tavington rides a pretty horsy and has a large, shiny penis extension that he can use to kill people with! It is teh kewliez. Stumpy and Gabriel Stumpy watch this with a strangely voyeuristic interest, and are impressed)

SCENE TROIS

THE SCENERY: A cosy fort.

Cornwallis: "......I told 'im; mess with me and you won't live! So I smacked 'im in the 'ead and downed another Carling! Bada bada bing....Oh, it's Tavington."

O'Hara: "Ahahaha. Very funny, General. Can you not notice that I am Irish? No? Good, you're not meant to."

Cornwallis: "Ah, Tavington. My favourite incorrectly portrayed historical character. You must stop teasing Stumpy and the other Americans. I don't know why, but you must."

Tavington: "But him and his family are so inbred, they've become like suicide bunnies.... They just refuse to live! And you know I cannot resist the temptation to make witty remarks."

Cornwallis: "I know, I know, but really, you cannot expect Hollywood to sponsor a film that allows Europeans to make fun of Americans. "

Tavington: "Ah. Then I shall merely impress my superiority on everyone by making many clever remarks."

Cornwallis: "You do that."

* Tavington leaves *

(In between scenes, Stumpy and Gabriel Stumpy gather a group of especially deformed inbreds, making the producers believe that nuclear bombs HAD to have existed in the 18th Century, because you just cannot achieve that degree of mutation without a little help. They use these freaks for odd purposes, that the producers don't understand. Probably to bother Tavington. We are still not sure, however, since there was a particularly fascinating bit of paint drying going on close-by, and it distracted us somewhat from these captivating scenes.)

SCENE QUATRE

THE SCENERY: A big pratay at the cosy fort.

Cornwallis: "I would go out tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear!"

Tavington: "It's gruesome that someone so handsome should care, m'lord."

Cornwallis: "Well, you're one to talk, look at what you're wearing."

Tavington: "But I am wearing my most extravagant pratay clothes! Look! It may look like I am wearing my uniform, but what you have failed to notice is that I have changed my normal tie to one with lace on the edges! Eccentric, hm?"

Cornwallis: "Your sense of style is suffering because you have been spending far too much time with Stumpy. I want you to stop doing that. Preferably by killing Stumpy."

Tavington: "Oh."

(In the meantime, Stumpy manages to reach the supply ship that gives the
British army its munitions. Of course, because Stumpy is an idiot, he
does not steal these weapons and uses them to blow up the cosy pratay
fort, nor does he steal Cornwallis' pratay clothes in order to look a
little less inbred. No. He blows up the ship. Well done, Stumpy. Your
mother/cousin would've been proud.)

SCENE CINQ

THE SCENERY: The same pratay, but this time on a very large staircase made of grass at the back of the fort.

Ship: "BOOM!"

Extra Girl 1 and Extra Girl 2: "We are extra girls. We are too extra to have lines."

Tavington: "Ah, lovely! At least Stumpy isn't going to use the weapons to blow us all up, nor dress himself in Cornwallis' pratay clothes. Thank God for that, at least he is not going to outshine my poster-boy capacities by wearing a snazzier uniform. I must drink to that."

* he tips back his drink *

(In between scenes, Stumpy and his inbred freaks kill people. They are really too naughty.)

SCENE SIX

THE SCENERY: A pretty country road. Take me home. To the place I belong.. ahem.

Stumpy: "Now I have a silly hat! The fangirls will finally love me!"

Guy who was also in 'Rasputin' and who has a funny voice: "No, they won't!"

* a lot of sexay English soldiers and non-sexay inbred freaks appear and fight each other *

Tavington * from on top of a hill *: "I see you!"

* He runs down the hill to join the party .... we mean, pratay . He waves
his penis extension about. *

Black Guy: "Well, now that slavery is non-existent, I am sure I can gain the white people's respect. Apparently, all I have to do to make them see me as a fellow human being and not an animal, is save the life of one of them. How noble they are!"

* He risks his own life by saving one of the inbred freaks' life,
whereas he himself is not half as inbred or freakish as the inbred
freaks. He is, obviously, stupid. *

* The fight continues for a while. The inbred freaks flee. Tavington leaves. *

(In between scenes, some of the inbred freaks turn out to be dead. Serves them right. Some of them have been taken captive. Ha! Cornwallis has taken them to the cosy fort in an effort to turn them all into decorative weather vanes. Stumpy does not like weather vanes, and drags himself and his silly hat to the cosy fort to free his freaks. The producers are much amused by that tasteful alliteration.)

SCENE SEPT

THE SCENERY: Inside the cosy fort again.

* Stumpy and Cornwallis are having a private meeting. Stumpy likes chairs. Chair, Stumpy, chair! Cornwallis likes dogs. Dog, Cornwallis, dog! Stumpy tricks Cornwallis. Trick, Stumpy, trick! Stumpy goes outside. Go, Stumpy, go! Tavington arrives. Arrive, Tavington, arrive!*

Tavington: "What is Stumpy doing here? I must go over and say hello. Hello, Stumpy, what a silly hat you've got. Very playful."

* Stumpy is UPSET by this comment*

Tavington * looking around* : "Why am I standing in a trench?"

Stumpy: "Er.... I must now utter empty threats to you, for you have insulted my hat."

Tavington: "Oh dear. Watch me tremble. I shall reply to your empty threats by making more clever remarks."

Stumpy: "I threaten you, Tavington!"

* Stumpy attempts to look threatening, but merely looks like Stumpy. The producers laugh. Laugh, producers, laugh! *

* Stumpy leaves *

SCENE HUIT

THE SCENERY: Still the fort.

O' Hara: "Stumpy has given us a bunch of amusing blow-up dolls in trade for the captive inbred freaks. How very clever!"

Cornwallis: "Yes, they are amusing......but we cannot make weather vanes out of them. Stumpy has tricked us!"

* Everyone gasps *

( ......a while later...Cornwallis is having dinner while wearing a very gay dressing gown. For some obscure reason, Tavington is there.)

Cornwallis: "I blame you for this, Tavington."

Tavington: "Me? Why?"

Cornwallis: "Because you are far too pretty and ruining my chances of becoming this movie's poster boy."

Tavington: "Oh."

Cornwallis: "Oh, er, silly me. I mean....... Because, if you hadn't insulted Stumpy's hat, we'd have gotten our hands on those inbred freaks ages ago. Stumpy must be stopped."

Tavington: "Easy peasy. But........ I'll only do it if you give me Ohio."

Cornwallis: "Ohio? Why Ohio?"

Tavington: "It's got the funniest name."

Cornwallis: "Alright. Agreed."

* Tavington leaves *

SCENE NEUF

THE SCENERY: A cosy tent.

Tavington: "Wilkins, what do you know about Stumpy?"

Wilkins: "Hell, everything. He is my father and cousin, after all."

Tavington: "Lovely. Where can I find his mutated children, so I can pay them a visit and kill them?"

Wilkins: "On the plantation of his sister's sister, Charlotte, who is also his sister, who is also my mother and cousin, and who is the current love- interest of my father, who is also my cousin, who is also..."

Tavington: "Alright, alright, I get it."

* He leaves *

SCENE DIX

THE SCENERY: A plantation that, naturally, has no slaves, because slavery never existed.

Small, deformed child: "Auntie, a nasty man is coming!"

Charlotte: "A nasty man!" * she looks out of the window eagerly * "Oh! A nasty man who is no relative of mine! How awful, we must away!"

* she takes the small, deformed children and hides in the cellar. Only the deformed child with the silly hat stays upstairs, under the table. *

* Tavington enters the room *

Tavington: "Oh, I must create tension. Let me stalk around the room, pretending not to notice the freak with the silly hat who is hiding under the table."

Freak with silly hat: "The nasty man has not noticed me. I must attract his attention. Let me make some noise."

* He makes noise. Just then, a random soldier enters the room. *

Random Soldier: "I must break the erotic tension here and give the little deformed freak with the silly hat some time to escape."

Tavington: "Go ahead."

* They wait. The little freak with the silly hat escapes. *

Tavington: "You can go now, random soldier."

* The random soldier leaves*

Tavington: "Oh, I wonder if there is somebody under the table?"

* He takes a look *

Tavington: "Gosh, there is nobody there! How I was fooled!"

* He leaves*

(In between scenes, Charlotte and the deformed children are rescued by Gabriel Stumpy. They are taken to a paradisiacal town run by black people. A lot of disgusting happy things happen. Gabriel Stumpy marries a distant relative. The producers are bored to tears.)

SCENE ONZE

THE SCENERY: An ugly church full of inbreds.

Tavington: "This church is far too ugly. I will have to burn it."

Congregation: "Oh. Will you let us out first?"

Tavington: "No."

Congregation: "You are such a meanie!"

Tavington: "I don't know what you're whining about, you will burn churches yourself it all too willingly in a few hundred years' time. Well, that is, if they're churches full of black people."

* The congregation look at him with blank faces *

Tavington: "Oh right, slavery never existed, and none of you are, nor ever will be, racists. Sorry."

* he leaves the church*

Tavington: "Wilkins, burn the church."

Wilkins: "But that church is full of relatives of mine!"

Tavington: "You're not very useful, are you."

Wilkins: "No. But if I don't do what you say, you will undoubtedly cut off my head and use it as a not very decorative vase for all those beautiful flowers you are so fond of plucking in the fields around here. I have no choice! Oh, how I regret choosing your very nasty, though very attractive, side!"

(Wilkins sets the church on fire. The inbreds are all toasted to a crisp. They make fantastic snacks for the British Army. Stumpy and Gabriel Stumpy discover that all their relatives/lovers are gone when they follow the delicious smell of roast bacon to the now burnt down church. They are sad, because they didn't get any. Gabriel Stumpy decides to organise a raid for the left-overs. )

SCENE DOUZE

THE SCENERY: A pretty creek, where Tavington is preening himself to perfection. Yumyum.

Gabriel Stumpy and his inbreds: "We are upset! Prepare to die!"

Tavington: "Ha! Beautiful timing, Gabriel Stumpy. By surprising me while I was sitting half undressed, with my hair loose and wet, I have to launch into battle in that very state, so I can display all my poster boy qualities in one scene!!!"

* He swashbuckles, waves his gorgeous curls about, displays his manly chest and generally looks dashing. The producers and several fangirls squeal. *

Gabriel Stumpy: "Oh no! I must outdo him, or I shall lose my fangirls!"

* Gabriel Stumpy moves in slow motion, but does not look half as good as Tavington. He becomes somewhat desperate *

Gabriel Stumpy: "It's no good. I will have to kill him."

* He shoots Tavington *

Tavington: "Ha, I am only pretend-dead! This will give me a chance to show everybody my beautiful bum. Look!"

* We look at his bum. We are suitably impressed. *

Gabriel Stumpy: "Argh! He's even gorgeous when he's dead! I will have to chop him to bits, just like Father Stumpy did with the adorable Scotsmen."

* He approaches Tavington, with the not very honourable intention of chopping him to bits. Suddenly, Tavington turns around and impales him on his penis extension. The producers cheer. Gabriel Stumpy dies. Tavington leaves.*

(In between scenes, Stumpy finds the dead Gabriel Stumpy, and gives a very unimpressive impression of someone who cries. The producers laugh at him.)

SCENE TREIZE

THE SCENERY: A big field. A big field with a lot of soldiers on it. The soldiers are fighting each other. The British soldiers start to win, but since this is obviously THE most important battle of the war, they cannot win, for if they would, the US would never have been founded. And we can only imagine what an awful loss that would be. This is the moment when the cameras zoom in....

Tavington: "I am going to irritate Cornwallis into sending his troops too far so that we will lose the battle! Ha, ha! I am so evil."

Cornwallis: "How Tavington irritates me. I must send my troops over to kill all the Americans at an early stage of the battle, so that we will have a great deal of losses and lose."

Tavington: "Ah, fiddlesticks! If we lose the battle, I won't get Ohio. Retreat, retreat!"

Soldiers: "We shall ignore your orders, because we have to lose the battle."

Tavington: "Maybe if I spin around with my horse until my fluffy hat falls of, they will listen."

*He spins around and waves his penis extension. His hat falls off. The soldiers do not listen.*

* In the meantime, Stumpy has spotted Tavington. Remembering the insults to his hat and the fact that he had denied Stumpy and his men those bits of yummy fried congregation, Stumpy is gripped by an urgent desire to kill Tavington. Now, we are meant to believe that maybe, Stumpy's threats weren't so empty. Ha, try fooling someone less clever than the producers, Stumpy!*

Stumpy: "I must kill Tavington! In order to do so, I must grab this flag, and run across the battlefield unarmed!"

* Stumpy grabs the American flag, and runs across the battlefield, unarmed. Miraculously, he does not get shot, in disregard of the fact that the flag is big and colourful, rather like a big sign that says: SHOOT HERE! He reaches the spot where Tavington is still wheeling his penis extension. He, rather nastily, stabs his horse with the flag, so that the horse keels over and dies, and Tavington falls to the ground. The producers hiss angrily, and cry: 'Poor horsy!*

Prostrate Tavington: "For crying out loud, why did you not get shot, running across a massive battlefield, waving a big wad of cloth about, totally unarmed?"

Stumpy: "Because this is the climax of the movie! The conflict that has been building between us shall now be sorted out, once and for all."

Tavington: "Did you have to kill my horse for that?"

Stumpy: "What horse?"

Tavington: * sighs * "Well, at least I don't have to stand in a trench."

Stumpy: "Prepare to die!"

Tavington: "You know, the last person who said that really did not last long."

Stumpy: "Oh, you horrible man! You taunt me with the death of my sons/brothers/cousins!"

Tavington: "Indeed I do. Ha, ha. Now, I will shoot you."

* He shoots him. *

Stumpy: "Look at the funny faces I can pull while dying."

* He pretends to be dead, so he can trick his opponent, just like Tavington did! Stumpy is clever.*

Tavington: "I invented that trick. Bit stupid to think you can pull that on me."

* He cuts Stumpy's head off with his penis extension*

Stumpy's head: "But I'm supposed to win this! And get you back for outsmarting me all the time with a semi-clever remark!"

Tavington: "Yes, well, it's not like there aren't enough historical inaccuracies in this movie already, so tough luck."

(Stumpy dies. The British win the battle. Tavington becomes king of Ohio. Slavery never existed. This version of history is filmed and produced and in theatres as we speak. The world is a happy place.)

THE END