To Cherish Her Heart and Love His Soul
Author: Catwoman
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: Paramount owns these characters, yet I write the stories
Summary: Thoughts about love and life. Chakotay's and Janeway's POV. Takes place close to the end of the seventh season.
-Chakotay's POV-
I used to love her.
Suddenly, I find myself laughing. I used to cherish every part of her; hopelessly gazing across the far barrier just to get one glimpse of her eternal beauty. I had it bad, so utterly impossible that now, when I look back on what I was, all I can do is sit… and laugh. I was helpless. She was my queen, and I worshiped the very ground she walked on. I would have kissed her feet if she let me. A dog. That was exactly what I had become… what she turned me into. But, not just any dog, I was a loyal dog, I was her dog.
Yes, there must have been something about her. I don't know what, it could have been as big as her commanding position, or as little as the way she smiled at me, but whatever it was, it had me caught. A deer in a hunter's trap; the more I struggled against the trap, the more I got pulled in. And she was one powerful trap, for everything on her I thought was beautiful; everything she did, and every little movement made a fire soar throughout my body. I wanted her. Bad. Needed her; she was my world, my life, my survival depended on her.
Before I entered her sanctuary of a ship, I had never felt like I had when I gazed into her glistening blue eyes. I can say that it was not love at first sight. No. We were too busy with ship's business, and dealing with ourselves, to worry about love. We weren't attracted in the least, and it did not bother me, until a month or so after my fellow maquis and I joined her ship. I was stupid. She didn't love me. Plus, I was with Seska.
Seska, even the name makes me growl… I hate it, despise it, and even though I should have been sad that she died long ago, I was happy. I specifically remember going to my quarters after I visited her dead body, and screaming to the heavens, " Thank the spirits! She's dead!" And, I laughed. My life was finally free from it's binds; free to love again… free to live. Until I caught the love bug again, hard. And for who else, but Kathryn Janeway… the captain of the Federation starship Voyager.
How I hated that title. Captain. Why, sweet spirits, did she have to be the captain? No. Back then, right after I became her first officer, I didn't care. She was the captain, and I was her first officer. Nothing more, not even friends. I thought we would never get along, let alone become best of friends. And then, as our friendship deepened, and my love grew, came New Earth.
New Earth. I loved that place, it was so beautiful, and it was the only place I would ever let my love for her flourish. I had never told her that I loved her, just some ancient legend. Yet, that ancient legend was so much more than an 'I love you'; it was a dedication, a promise, that I would always be there for her.
She cried that night. The first time I had ever seen her cry, and she has only cried one other time after that. It was the night that we had to leave our home; our New Earth. She sat there, in her bed, crying and not letting me come near. She hated to leave that place, and so did I. Why did Tuvok always have such an impeccable sense of timing? One more day, and we could have been lovers.
But we weren't. Never to be. Broke my heart when we got back on the ship. We never spoke of New Earth again, buried in our hearts, where many other close encounters of hers, are along with it. She never wanted to pursue a relationship with me, and would rather have a hologram.
Michael Sullivan. How I hated that name. She broke it off with him, but every time I go to Sandrine's I have an unstoppable nerve to punch him in the face. The reason I haven't been there recently, I guess. Better safe than sorry. I would hate to let her see me get jealous over a hologram. A hologram with no libido, in that case. Seriously, the doctor looks better than him, even with no hair. That is a compliment, doctor.
I've had a bad case of women as well, but that was because I was being manipulated, or had no clue who they were. Maybe I am destined to spend my life on this ship, alone. Maybe I'll find somebody. Highly doubtable, though. I don't know what's wrong with women these days, but every one of them seems nice to begin with, then, just like that, they steel your DNA, manipulate you, or vanish. Kathryn is the only one still around me, still willing to be friends. That was all we were to begin with, anyways. Kathryn, if only you weren't so stubborn.
That's another problem. Why do I have to go ahead and fall for the most stubborn, driven to get home, hardheaded person on this whole damn ship? I mean there are about 150 people on this ship, about half are women, there has got to be another match for me, other than the captain. No wait, I already tried. Nobody seemed to turn me on like Kathryn. I had to face it; I was love sick, for Captain Janeway of Voyager.
Kathryn. Miss 'Protocol' and 'I think we need to define parameters'. How I hated that statement. Just broke my heart. No, Kathryn, we didn't need to define parameters, we needed to kiss; I needed you to love me. I cherished you; devoted my every being to you, why couldn't you have at least respected that?… you didn't have to go and rip my heart out of my chest, then use it as a play toy.
You always acted like nothing happened; you never listened to me. I told you that you would never be alone, and you used my words against me. I was only trying to protect you, exactly what a first officer and friend does, but you reprimanded me. You went up against the Borg alone. Left me in charge of the ship, perhaps to never see your sweet face again, and all I got was a handshake. Kathryn, you could have died; it's a miracle that you didn't, and all I got was some crappy handshake? I'm your best friend! A hug would least be sufficient! And all I got was, a handshake.
Don't get me wrong; we spent some great times together as well. I always enjoyed your company, and I will always cherish you being next to me. We were perfect together, Kathryn, why did you reject me? Now, the love I have for you is locked up, deep inside my heart. And, even though I try, I don't seem to have the key to so much power. Only you, Kathryn. Only you can open up my heart again, for it is now like a crumple of ashes, never to love again, all for you.
Kathryn, the love has almost diminished. It disappears, like unused water evaporates into the vast sky. That is why I sit, pondering in my quarters now, only to laugh at what I was, and who I have become. Kathryn, only you could save me. So now I am pleading with you, Kathryn, follow your heart, and maybe someday you will be able to unleash the love I have, and your love will join with mine. Kathryn, use your heart and soul to guide you, and you will achieve your destiny. Kathryn, I am begging at your feet, find me… and never give up. Just as suddenly as the laugh came, I am crying.
I used to love you, and I am sure that I still do.
-Janeway's
POV-
He
is my best friend and companion.
I am sitting on the floor of my quarters, pondering.
He has always been my companion. Actually, that's not true, he has been my
companion ever since he crashed his maquis ship, The Liberty, into the
Caretaker's array. But, it feels like we have been soul mates for our whole
lives. Ever since he stepped foot on my bridge, I have felt as if my soul was
complete.
I
never realized that he was all I ever needed. No, not in the first few months.
He was just a person, a man, and my first officer. Only later, as my captain's
mask faded away, did he become Chakotay. I have to admit; I felt something for
him from the start. At first I thought it was just trust, but then it developed
and shaped itself into friendship, then love, and soul mates. How much love
could I have had for this man? My answer, a lot. Locked in the depths of my
heart, now and forever.
Trust.
One short word, meaning your life. From the day I met him I knew I could trust
him with anything. Even my life. I don't know how I felt that way. I must have
been stupid, ignorant. That, or to compelled to make him a Starfleet man. Yes,
I must have been stupid. Trusting a maquis with my life? No way! I would never
do that. But I did. I trusted Chakotay, him and only him.
Friendship.
I never thought it would happen, Chakotay and I being friends. Oh, was I wrong!
I don't know when exactly we became friends, but I do know it was early in our
journey. He started talking to me, and vise versa, that turned into dinners,
and Holodeck trips. I don't know if I ever told him, but he was my best friend.
He still is, and for that I am proud of, proud we overcame that barrier. I
never knew we would come so close, never knew he loved me, and I didn't care. He
had Seska.
I
hated her. Ever since the start, I despised her. There was something about her,
I don't know what it was, but there was an air of distrust around her. Maybe I
was just jealous, I don't know; all I knew was that she couldn't be trusted. I
tried not to show how much I hated her, but in the end it came punching through
me, full force. I was right. She ended up betraying us, all of us. And what she
did to Chakotay, all the agony she put him though. I hated her. She died, and I
was happy, now Chakotay was free.
Free
to love. Love me. How much I wanted him to, and how much I wanted to love him.
Sometimes it was too overpowering I couldn't stand it, so I had to leave his
presence. Even if it was on the Bridge, in the middle of the shift, I had to
leave. Usually to my Ready Room. That's when I realized that I liked him. No,
it was more than that, it was love. I loved him, and didn't know how to deal
with it. So I was always running from it, locking it in my heart.
And
then came New Earth. God knows, I tried to hide my love. Try to keep our
relationship professional, but I couldn't. I realized we were going to be
trapped there for a long time. I let him in my heart. The first move was with
the hand meld. Our fingers entwined, I felt all the comfort I needed, and I
never wanted to move again. But we did, and then my life crumpled. Tuvok
called. Damn that Vulcan, does he have something against Chakotay and I or
what? We were beamed up, and we never spoke of New Earth again.
Kathryn.
Every time he called my name it was a constant reminder of what could have
been, what a beautiful life we could have had. I love it when he says my name,
the way he rolls it out along his tongue. Someday, the reminder of New Earth
will be replaced. Replaced with memories, memories that we will make. Together.
But not now, not today. Sometime, but not here, or now.
I
kept telling myself that, but it didn't help. I wanted him, needed him. And
then I switched my mind to something else, Mark. Ugh, I blocked Chakotay out for
Mark. Set barriers, always hoping that Mark would still be there for me. Then
the letter, that damn letter. I should have been sad, but I was relieved, yet
confused. Relieved that I could finally love Chakotay freely, but confused,
because I still felt trapped, and didn't know how to love him.
So
I got myself a hologram. A stupid hologram. Shit, what the hell was I thinking;
I probably hurt Chakotay's feelings. No, not probably, I did. Hard, and bad.
How could I do that to him? How could I do that to myself? Ugh, I was disgusted
with myself when I finally came to my senses. Good thing I never saw him again.
He's gone from my life. I was again relieved.
Now
I sit here, wondering if Chakotay still loves me, wondering if he will still
take me. I caused so much hurt to him, and now I need to make up for it. We'll
take it slow, but I believe that we will be happy. Once and for all he will be
with me. I laugh. I need to speak to him right now, need to tell him, and
suddenly I find myself walking to my doors. Soul mates. That's what we are, and
what we will become. Nothing will keep us apart. I have been hiding behind
protocols and rules for too long, and for all I'm concerned, they can go to
Hell. Along with Starfleet HQ and all the stupid parameters.
I
love him, and nothing will ever separate us.