This is a sequel to my other story…. 'Coming Home'. 'Coming Home' dealt with the whole team's reaction to finding out the news Emily was alive and them seeing her for the first time since the Dolye saga. This story is all about Emily and Derek and how they work through their stuff. Thanks for reading.
In the car, driving back to her place, Garcia looked over at Emily in the passenger seat. She was staring out the window not saying anything for a while.
"Hey hun, you doing ok?" She said putting her hand on Emily's knee.
Emily turned and smiled at her friend, "Yes Pen, I'm ok. Just tired. This is all pretty overwhelming."
"Sure… well, we better lay off the tequila shots tonight then eh?" Garcia said with a wink.
Emily laughed and then her mind wandered again… "Pen… how's Morgan been? He seemed really quiet earlier."
Morgan was also on the way to Garcia's with Reid. It had taken some persuading on Garcia's part. She pretty much had to emotionally blackmail him but Hotch would be going home to Jack, JJ to Will and Henry and Rossi back to his latest squeeze. Garcia was determined no-one was going to be on their own tonight.
Garcia stalled.
"Pen, just tell me. I didn't expect any of this to be a walk in the park. I know I'm going to hear some stuff I don't like."
Garcia shook her head, moisture appearing in her eyes, "Emily, do you know what? I feel so awful… but I don't know."
"What do you mean?"
"He's been so strong for me and Spence and I've been so upset that I think he just poured everything he had into being there for us. I tried to get him to talk to me but he just clammed up and I didn't have the energy to push him. I know he beats himself up for not saving you…. well, I guess he did. He just didn't know it."
Emily hung her head and felt the guilt rise up. She knew he would have felt that way. He always wanted to save people and always beat himself up if he didn't. His final words had echoed in her head for the past few months and not being able to him what they had meant to her had been so hard. She remembered every single one of them.
.,.,.,.,.,,.,,..,.,.,.,
At Garcia's, Morgan was sat on the sofa with a bottle of beer in his hand that he had been nursing for about a hour taking two sips at most from it. Garcia and Reid sat on the floor with Emily asking her a million and one questions about where she had been and what she had been doing. She didn't have much to tell them though. It had been hotels or crummy bedsits for her, laid up, just trying to recover from her injuries. She really didn't want to talk about it as it had been a miserable six months, but she guessed they wouldn't have anything happy to talk about either so she stuck with their questioning as best she could.
Garcia watched as Emily looked at Morgan. He briefly glanced back at her and tried to force a smile, but it never really materialised leaving Emily looking dejected.
"Spence, come on….." Garcia instructed. "…. We need pizza. This one here needs fattening up."
"Why don't we just order it in?" Reid asked confused.
"Because I know this place downtown that does the best pizza and they don't deliver. We can only have the best tonight right?"
"Downtown is miles away." Reid said sounding like a whining child, obviously not wanting to spend anymore time away from Emily.
"Just get your coat… We'll be back in a bit you two." Garcia said winking at Emily.
Emily looked back at her with scared eyes. Being left alone with Morgan right now wasn't exactly a thought to relish. She watched as they left, rooted to the spot. She felt the nervousness rise in her stomach.
She turned and looked at Morgan. He continued to look at his beer bottle as if waiting for it to do something. He obviously wasn't going to make the first move.
Emily stood up, grabbing her stomach as she did, wincing quietly in pain. This caused Morgan to snap out of his trance, "You ok?" He asked concerned.
She nodded, "Yeah, I'm fine…..it's just still healing."
He held her gaze for a few seconds…. He seemed to be searching for something. She wandered if he was trying to decide whether or not to believe her, after all, everything she had said to him in those last few days had pretty much been a lie.
She sat next to him on the sofa, turning her body so she was facing him.
She wanted to touch him, to put her hand on his, but he wasn't inviting right now.
"Derek….please say something."
He continued looking at the bottle. She wanted to snatch that bloody bottle out of his hand and throw it against the wall.
"Derek…."
She watched him. He closed his eyes, rubbed his forehead as if he were in pain and slowly shook his head. She reached out and touched his arm gently, her hands shaking.
As she did he suddenly stood up as if she had electrocuted him… "I can't do this…." He said. His voice breaking.
"Can't do what…? Derek, please….Shout at me. Scream at me…..anything, but say something."
He went and stood at the other side of the room, his back to her.
"I….." He cleared his throat with a cough. "… I don't know what to say Emily."
"Tell me you're angry with me. Tell me you hate with me…Just tell me."
With his back still facing her he said….. "I don't hate you Emily…. I….I'm just…."
She saw his breathing rate increase. His chest was rising and falling heavier than before and he put a hand against the wall as if to steady himself.
She stood up and slowly walked over to him. He felt her presence behind him. He could smell her. It took him back to when they were partners…..he had never forgotten her scent. It was still the same….. Still beautiful and consuming. That is how he had tried to remember her…..not as she was in the warehouse that day.
She saw his shoulders slump forward and his head hang down.
"Derek….." she said softly. "…. Please turn around."
She placed her hand on his waist… "Hey…." She said softly.
He turned around slowly and looked into her eyes. Tears were streaming down his face and the screams in his eyes were deafening. She felt a pain in the pit of her stomach. She had never seen him like this before. She'd seen him angry, hurt, frustrated, upset, but not like this. Not breaking down.
With tears welling in her eyes, she took a tentative step towards him, waiting for him to take a step back from her. But he didn't move, so she took another step and the next thing she knew he was in her arms, sobbing. It was as if he let go of something. He felt heavy on her, like he needed her to support him.
She placed one hand on the back of his head and one behind his back and she felt the vibrations of his body against hers.
For him, it was the first time he had allowed himself to cry in front of anyone since the funeral. The only person he had felt like he could cry in front of had been Garcia, but he had never allowed himself to. She needed him to be strong.
But now he was exhausted and he couldn't be strong anymore. Now that she was safe he didn't need to be…. but it wasn't over.
Some how they managed to manoeuvre themselves back to the sofa. Derek wiped away his tears and sat with his head in his hands. Emily sat just a couple of inches away, not too close, giving him space to breath…..
"Derek, listen….. I'm so sorry for what I did…..before I left that day. I know I lied to you and please believe when I tell you that it was so hard. I wanted to tell you so many times, but it was my fight. I didn't want to involve any of you… you saw what he was capable of. I only did it to protect you all….. you do know that?"
He nodded his head, but didn't say anything.
"If you're angry with me, just say. I know you are and I can't blame you."
He started shaking his head… his voice was coarse…."I don't want to be angry anymore Emily…It feels like I've been angry forever."
"With me?" She asked.
"At first yes…. I was angry because you didn't trust me enough to tell me what was going on. I was angry that you'd looked me in the eyes and said everything was ok when you knew you'd be walking away from me in just a few seconds. I was angry with you because I'd known you for five years and I knew nothing about this side of you and I was angry that…." he stopped and looked her in the eyes. "….. that you slept with Doyle."
He let that last thought linger for a few seconds and then continued. "….But then I realised…..I knew I was wrong….. and I was angry with myself for feeling that way towards you. When I….." She could tell he was struggling to stop himself letting go again. "…. When I held you, waiting for the medics, I was angry with myself for waiting till you were dying in my arms to tell you how I felt and even then, I didn't say it all. And then when JJ said you were gone… I felt everything implode. I couldn't breath. I've spent the last six months being angry…..not with you…with myself for everything."
"And what about now? Now that you know the truth?"
"You know what….?" His eyes meeting hers, pleading for answers. "….I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm more happy than you could ever know that you are alive. Please don't think for one second that I'm not. My world without you in it has been…well it's been hell and I never want to feel that way again."
"I don't know what to say Derek…I'm sorry…. But I know that's not enough."
He shook his head….."No, I don't want you to be sorry. I know you must have been through hell… were you on your own all this time?"
She hung her head, feeling herself start to shake, trying to fight the tears…."Yes, I had to be. I had to leave any trace of Emily Prentiss behind."
"How could they let you be on your own? JJ and Hotch….? We could have protected you."
"Come on Derek, you know that's not true…would you seriously of been willing to put Penelope and Spence in danger?"
His voice softened, knowing she was right….."No, of course not, but I am not willing to accept there wasn't an alternative to leaving you all alone….and allowing us to believe you were gone." Even now, he couldn't say the word 'dead.'
She knew this was probably the exact reason that Hotch and JJ didn't tell him. Not because they didn't trust him, but because he would have fought them every step of the way. All he ever wanted to do was protect people, especially those he cared about.
"Well I guess that's something we're all going to have to try and work through Derek….. If you want to of course."
He looked at her and she looked exhausted….. He thought about what she must have been through all alone for the last few months. They had all suffered, but they'd had each other. She had had no-one, just as in those last few weeks before she 'died'.
"Hey…." He said resting one hand on her shoulder, rubbing it gently. "… Come here."
He opened his arms to her and she didn't hesitate in letting herself melt into his chest.
"God, this is good….. To feel you again Em."
She didn't respond…..He could just feel the wetness from her tears on his shirt.
They sat for a while in silence.
He was still battling with his feelings… a mixture of hurt, anger and confusion towards JJ Hotch and if he were honest, Emily too….. Joy, happiness, even ecstasy from just seeing her face again. And then sadness… sadness because of what she had been through on her own and he knew she probably still felt alone. He wanted to fix that, but he knew that wouldn't be easy.
She contemplated how the next few weeks may go. Sure, everyone was pleased to see her now, but she knew they couldn't just erase what they had been through….. How they had felt. Even if they tried to shield it from her, they would all be wary of her, some more than others. She had a lot to make up to them.
As they heard the key in the door, they both sat up and Garcia came bounding in…"Hey guys. Grubs up." As she walked past her two friends on the way to the kitchen, she could see the redness of their eyes. She figured this could only be a good thing…..Derek must have opened up…..even just a little and as both of them were still there, it couldn't have gone too badly.
Not long after, they all went to bed. Emily lay there in the dark exhausted, but unable to sleep. Her mind was in overdrive. She got up to get some water and tried to tip toe past what she though was a sleeping Morgan on the sofa… but he wasn't.
"Hey, you ok? Can't sleep?" She heard him whisper.
"Ouch! Shit!" Emily shrieked.
Morgan jumped up, "What, what is it?"
"Nothing, I just stubbed my toe. Couldn't see where I was going."
Morgan sniggered.
"What are you laughing at?"
"Emily, last time I saw you, you had a…" He stopped himself, realising what he was about to say and it wasn't really joke material….It wouldn't be, not for a long time. "…..Well let's just say, I didn't think a stubbed toe would phase you. Come here. Sit down for a bit."
He moved her over to the sofa…..She was perfectly capable of walking herself, but he couldn't help himself.
She sat down and examined her toe…."Damn it. It's bleeding."
"Wait a second." Morgan walked off and appeared a few seconds later with a wet towel and a band aid.
"Here, let me." He said taking hold of her ankle. He proceeded to clean up the mess that was her toe.
She didn't know what possessed her to ask at this moment… in the dark and in the middle of the night, but it had played on her mind since their conversation earlier.
"Derek, earlier, you said you were angry with me for sleeping with Doyle…. Why?"
To be continued…