Ahhhh! Another lame humor fic! If you read Téa's Quest, you know my love of character bashing. Well, this fic is Mary-Sue bashing. I make fun of lots of popular plot and character schemes that I've read, so if you recognize yours, I might have read it, and decided to mock it, but chances are more likely that you've just chosen an idea which has already been done many times. I have written a Mary Sue characters myself and I actually enjoy some Mary Sue stories, so don't feel bad.
I love all the YGO characters but I do tend to make fun of them, so forgive me!
DisclaimerYoda: (In his gravelly voice) Mmmhhhmm! Own Yu-Gi-Oh, Sunfalling does not. Own Yu-Gi-Oh she never will. Very talented she is not. Very pathetic she is.
Me: (ticked off) Okay, mouthy midget! Next time I'm getting Chewbacca to do the disclaimer!
Chewie: Mrrraaaherrrr?
Me: (grumbling) Ah, forget it.
Attack of the Mary Sue Clones!!!
Domino City had experienced peace and quiet for some. Unfortunately the quiet would not last long, for in his secret tower place, Pegasus the Red was plotting his next evil scheme.
Pegasus: Yugi Motou must be defeated.
Croquet: But he is such a duelist! It would take an army of thousands…
Pegasus: Ten thousands!
Croquet: Master, no such force exists—
Pegasus: (pulls back curtain to reveal a horrifying host of creatures)
Croquet: Ahhhhh!
Pegasus: Yes, I have assembled an army of the scariest, most terrifying, loathsome characters in the world: the much-hated Mary Sues! (evil laughter)
Croquet: No! It can't be!
Pegasus: (gleefully) Are they so perfectly beautiful? Such flawless, obnoxious faces! Such stylish, perfectly coordinated, preppy outfits! Such sassy attitudes!
Croquet: (faints)
Meanwhile, in Domino city, Yugi enjoyed a nice, slow day at the Game Shop, talking with his friends and being his usual cheery, supportive self. His friends were feeling open with him for once and Yugi tried to listen attentively.
Joey: So, since we're bein' all open an' all… Have I ever told you guys dat my dad is an ruthless, abusive drunk?
Téa: Did you realize that my boyfriend's cheated on me for the millionth time and I'm still going out with him although I secretly have a crush on Seto Kaiba?
Ryou: Has anyone noticed the scars and tear-stained eyes I've hidden through the night because my Yami beats me cruelly? But, I don't care because I love him!
Yugi: (happily) Aw, I love you too, Bakura! Hey, anyone want to play Candy Land?
Tristan: Um, there's this thing I've been meaning to tell you about…but… Dangit! Nobody writes any stories about me!
Suddenly, a strange young girl with long, exotic hair and luminous eyes stepped into the shop. She glared at the crew of friends mysteriously and fingered the shining golden bracelet on her wrist marked with the symbol of the eye of Ra.
Ryou: (in awe) Could it be? Another millennium item?
Tristan: Naw. Looks like an ordinary bracelet to me.
Ryou: (relieved) Oh, of course! How could there be another item?
Tea: Definitely an ordinary bracelet. I saw one at the store for $7.95.
Mysterious Girl: It is no ordinary bracelet, you foolish mortals!
Yami: (to Yugi) This girl seems strangely familiar.
Yugi: What! Another one of your old girlfriends? A familiar girl with golden jewelry walks in here every day! How many chicks did you have back in ancient Egypt?
Yami: (smirking) Well, I was quite the lady's man!
Everyone Else: (sweatdrops)
Mysterious Girl: I am not the lover of the pharaoh! He killed one or more of my family and I must seek revenge! I am known as the Vengeful Mary Sue! I seek the punishment of the pharaoh who shall steal my heart! The one you speak of is known as the Mary Sue Who Was Once Yami's Wife/Girlfriend/Lover, a lovelorn, lovely woman of sorrow. She should be by in a few hours.
Yami: (unhappy) Aw, crap! Your past always does comes back to haunt you.
Téa: Serves you right for being such a player!
Joey: Man, why das he get all da chicks?
Yugi: So…mysterious lady, want to play Candy Land with us?
The next day at school, the gang had a few more encounters that they did not consider entirely strange. First, the teacher brought up a new girl to introduce to the class, but of course that happened every day. So many new girls came into the school that it was surprising they didn't have to get a bigger room. Today's new girl came from Egypt or some other exotic foreign country, had beautiful hair and eyes, knew how to speak another language and was an expert at Duel Monsters. Joey made his usual comment about how cute she was and wondered if she would go on a date with him. But Yami and Seto only wanted to duel her.
Yami: Curses on you, Duelist Mary Sue! You've beaten me for the nineteenth time!
Kaiba: Oh yeah, she only beat me seventeen times!
Yami: (annoyed) Because you only played her seventeen times, Kaiba!
Duelist Mary Sue: I guess you guys just can't stand up to my skills.
Yami: And you have the most ridiculous, unheard of cards and/or strategies in the game!
Duelist MS: Hey now, Yugi, you're supposed to be falling in love with me and will soon battle Kaiba for my affections.
Yami: (raises an eyebrow) In your dreams!
Kaiba: (turns on ringing cell phone) Hello? Mokuba?
Mokuba: Help, Big Brother! I've been kidnapped again! Save me!
Kaiba: Really, Mokuba! This is the thirty-fourth time you've been kidnapped! I installed a tracking chip in your skin last time so recovering you should be no problem.
Mokuba: (relieved) Oh yeah! Well, I'll be waiting for you then, Seto.
Kaiba: Don't forget to keep your hands still. You had a nasty scrape last time from the chaffing of the cruel ropes. I'll bring up the lotion, okay?
Mokuba: Okay, Seto. I'll remember.
Kaiba: See you soon, little guy! (clicks off phone)
Yami: Oh no! Has your little brother been kidnapped again?
Kaiba: (yawns) Yeah, but I've got the routine down. Track him down, blow the brains out of his kidnappers and—presto! We're home in time to get popcorn and watch the PowerPuff Girls.
Duelist MS: But aren't you in a hurry to save him?
Kaiba: (stretches) Yeah, I'll get down there after I snag a latte and load my weapons… Oh, and I have to pick up my blue trench coat from dry-cleaning. Wouldn't want to forget that! I think Mokuba might have some overdue video game rentals too, so I'd better return those to avoid the late fee…and then I think Macy's is having a sale on briefcases…(gets up leisurely and leaves)
Téa: (sighing) Oh, Seto! He's such a jerk, and yet I love him anyway! How can this be? How can I love our greatest enemy? How can a man so cold love such a happy girl as I? Snap out of it, Tea! You don't love him! You can't!
Yugi: Has anyone seen my teddy bear?
Téa: (annoyed) Yugi, you're supposed to be jealous that I like Seto Kaiba!
Yugi: I am?
Joey: Hey Yug! Who's ya little friend over there?
Yugi: Oh, this is Cute Little Mary Sue. She is short like me and very shy. She is secretly in love with me and cries every night because I don't notice her.
Cute Little MS: (dramatically) Oh, Yugi! How did you know?
Yugi: (ignoring her) Now where did I put that teddy bear?
Vengeful MS: The bear is the first to die! The pharaoh shall be the next!
Duelist MS: (smirking) Anyone for another game? I've haven't even gotten warmed up!
Tristan: Hey, who's that tall chick over by the tree? With the long white hair and beautiful eyes.
Téa: I've heard of her! She's Pegasus' daughter!
Joey: No way! He has a daughter?
Tea: Um, well he's only twenty-four, but they start families a lot earlier these days…
Ryou: That's disgusting! And yet, I am strangely attracted to her.
Peggy's Daughter MS: I am beautiful and mysterious and I will haunt your dreams! I shall make up for the evil of my father has committed and sacrifice myself to bring about good in the world.
Random Fan: You're not real! You're existence is impossible! Stupid, ignorant fangirl writers!
Author: Get out of the fic, crazy fan! This is my cute story, so live with it!
Random Fan: (grumbles and leaves) Drama queens! Next time they'll have Yami's reincarnated daughters saving the world!
Joey: (blinks) Whoa! What was dat all about?
Author: It seems a fitting time to introduce myself. I am the talented, wonderful fanfiction writer who adores her shows and puts an impossibly perfect version of herself into the stories in order to interact with her favorite characters.
Yami: Got a name, scary person?
Author: My famous pen name happens to be: DarkLightSunMoonStarRoseDragonElfMageNightMagicGirlDreamAngelQueen^__^
Mary Sues: Ooooooh! Such a cool name!
Author: Why thank you, perfected clones of myself.
Yami: (clutching his head) Ah! When will it end?
Yugi: I don't suppose any of you have seen my teddy bear…
Vengeful MS: (gleefully holds up mutated bear)
Yugi: No! Mr. Cuddles! How could you, Author? How could you make me so pathetic?
Author: Because you're so adorable! Now, look deeply into the eyes of Cute Little Mary Sue and tell me you are in love. MWUAHAHAHA!
Yugi: Weird… I'm starting to blush and feel tongue-tied.
Yami: No, Yugi! Don't let her do this to you! Don't give in!
Author: (evil laugh) It's already too late! I've already paired all my OC girls up with Yu-Gi-Oh characters at this very moment Mokuba is playing matchmaker to hook up his brother with my latest Mary Sue and Téa's boyfriend is cheating with another girl! Not to mention that Joey's dad is drunk again and Yami Bakura is ready to torture Ryou! (another evil laugh)
Yami: Ra save us all! She's an angst writer!
Yugi: (blushing) Would you like to, um, do something…sometime, Cute Little Mary Sue?
Duelist MS: But I'm the one who loves you, Yugi! You and I should duel forever!
Peggy's Daughter MS: It is our fate to be together, Yugi, and change the world!
Vengeful MS: Very sorely do I regret the tearing of the toy bear.
Téa: (goes into hysterics)
Author: (yet another evil laugh) Ah, the beauty of love triangles, rectangles and octagons! This is going to be a great story! Flames will be used to light my the candles in my shrines to various good-looking, untalented actors and singers. MUWAHAHAHA! (even more evil laughter)
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Well, that was fun, if not very humorous. More Mary Sues to come! Send in your suggestions if you have any. Mary Sues are everywhere!
Next chapter: Seto and Téa find themselves alone in a dark mansion with the lights out and a storm raging…and Seto loses his shirt! Yami meets vampires, secret agents, and the female friends he never knew he had. Mokuba manipulates the babysitter, Yugi bumps into people, Tristan is ignored, and the sadistic angst author gets out of control!