(She could claim that there had been no other choice, but, bah, he was certain that if she'd let them take a moment to think instead of blindly charging onward they could have come up with a better course of action. One free of beholder lairs or zombie Lords.)
One would think that their return to Athkatla would mean a change for the better, but then her first move was to drag them all off to stay in her rooms at The Order of the Radiant Heart to recuperate after that last little adventure, heedless of the fact that some of them might prefer not to spend a week surrounded by paladins. She herself might be an unusually high-minded example of her kind, perfectly willing to live and let live provided that no one was fool enough to commit a crime directly under her nose or unlucky enough to harass one of the simpering peasants she was forever aiding, but she was just one woman. The Order itself remained a haven of witless thugs and brutes forever looking for a chance to raise arms against their betters under the guise of morality. And he was ever so much better than any of them.
The drow may have had the right idea, vanishing off to the graveyard with instructions to leave her be until they were ready to continue on with their quest. Lurking in a tomb was no place for a man of his stature of course, not least because recent events connected to the cemetery still left a sour taste in his mouth and a phantom ache in his back, but a week in the upper rooms of the Copper Coronet would be a week well-spent. He might even manage an argument to get it paid for from the party's funds, if he stressed that it was a matter of his safety.
But to the world it would look like a Red Wizard was cowering in fear from the buffoons of the Order, going out of his way to hide away when he had been invited to stay among them. And, no. He would not do that. It was the pride of Thay at stake.
Instead he simply avoided them as best he could, keeping mainly to the rooms that their group had been given and the less-used areas of the building, and in doing so he found himself with far, far too much time to think. Though he could only improve the group by doing so. (As if those other simians were capable of any thought at all.)
When he paused for a moment to think on it Edwin could not help but see that his life seemed to have gotten very much off-track since Nashkel. Until he'd reached that town full of bumpkins everything had gone entirely right. He had tracked the witch he'd been set to kill without fail until he learned that she was fool enough to allow herself to be captured by a fortress full of gnolls, and then he had waited until he'd found a group of likely-looking stooges to talk into fighting their way through the fortress for him. Luck had seemed on his side that day as they brought him news that the witch was already dead, killed by one of her monstrous captors almost as soon as she'd climbed out of the pit they'd kept her in, and in return he offered them the use of his magic for some short period of time-an arrangement which would benefit him as well, since the information they were seeking seemed as if it might be of interest in Thay.
But from that point on, well, for the life of him he couldn't point at exactly where things had gone wrong, but they certainly had. Somehow the woman had come to see him as one of the most stalwart members of her little band of do-gooders, which would be all well and good if he had some plans to use that trust for his own gain but none ever seemed to come to him. She traded comrades with surprising frequency for someone whose main goal in life seemed to be bending over backwards to make her companions happy no matter what inane tasks they wanted to stall their journey to accomplish (not his own, of course, his desires were anything but inane; even the Nether Scrolls would have been a mighty asset if they'd only worked properly). By the time she reached Amn she'd even managed to lose that sister of hers along the way, yet it seemed as if one of the first things she did once she regained her freedom was hunt him down and lure him back to her side. Until she found Imoen again the only other person who could claim that distinction was the drow, and she was only brought along because she seemed incapable of staying out of certain-death situations without them.
Of course he couldn't blame her for wanting the awesome might of his magic on her side, but his continued close contact with a paladin had left his relationship with Thay somewhat... strained. Not that he'd ever let any of the chimps know that; as long as they never thought too long on the things that fool Degardan had let slip they could go on living in ignorance forever, as was only right. They would know nothing more of himself, or of Thay, than he allowed, and he allowed precious little.
Though there were moments, moments that he did his best to put out of mind after they passed, when he considered letting her know how he'd fallen because of her. He knew her more than well enough to know how she'd react, how once this debacle with Irenicus was complete she'd fly to Thay in a righteous fury and teach every one of his enemies who had conspired against him to fear the wrath of a Bhaalspawn, one with the power of the Slayer at her command no less. The fools would, of course, try to find one of their own to match her, only to learn too late that those on his side were the only ones of any worth who could be trusted not to turn against anyone unwise enough to ally with them. And she would do it without question, without hesitation, and, baffling though he found it, with no ulterior motives, fueled only by her driving desire to ensure no one wronged one of her people.
And that was exactly why he knew that he would never really be able to make use of her that way. Even though she would assist him, and even though she would keep his confidences safe, everyone who knew her would recognize that she was wordlessly staking a claim on him even if she herself never thought of it that way. It would not do. Using her that way would gain him no standing among his fellows, not if they thought she'd only aided him because she saw him as some type of pet and not because he'd used his cunning to draw her to his side.
Another reason why he should just leave, find some other path more likely to help him achieve his own ends quickly. Another reason that it was ridiculous that he already knew he wouldn't. Another sign of how off-kilter the simian had somehow thrown his life.
His thoughts about his life always started winding in circles that way recently, ever returning to the fact that something about her presence in it kept him from acting as wisely as he should. And eventually he always grew tired of their spirals and would leave the safety of his chambers to distract himself by wandering the halls of the Order.
His movements took him to the library that day although, between the idiotic Amnish distrust of magic and the equally idiotic paladin loathing for any ideas that didn't fit their own ideals, he'd never found anything very worthy his attentions in it, but this time he found her.
Even after knowing her for more than a year there was always a moment where his eyes found it difficult to recognize her when she was out of her armor. Usually she wouldn't even remove so much as her helmet until just before she settled down for the night and then would somehow manage to get it all back on by herself in the morning before anyone else woke, but that day she had on nothing but a loose shift and leggings, her hair unbound and head uncovered. Only the sheathed sword laying on the ground in front of her and her obvious muscles would tell anyone that she was a warrior. She was curled up on a settee, a book in hand and a stack of others piled up on a table beside her.
She was the only one of the monkey-brained fighters he knew who didn't look at all strange in that setting (how had he ever found himself surrounded by so many cretins whose heads were entirely useless for anything save catching a blow without damaging anything they actually used?), her life in Candlekeep forming her into the most bookish swordsperson he'd ever met. In fact, the only times he'd ever caught her going against her code as a paladin when it wasn't necessary for accomplishing something of vital importance was when she caught sight of an interesting book on someone's shelves and couldn't resist sneaking it away. It was the first thing he'd noticed about her that made him think perhaps there was more to her than a simple meatshield (unlike any of the chimps who followed her).
She glanced up at him as he approached, and for a moment her eyes seemed to glow from within the way her brother's once had. Then she smiled and he realized that it was nothing more than a reflection from the candles she had set up in front of her.
"Hello, Edwin," she said, drawing her feet up to make room at the end of the settee and nodding towards it in an invitation to sit. "This is interesting," she went on, dipping the book she was reading towards him for a moment so he'd know what she was going on about. "The author believed that the Gods don't exist. He was entirely mad, of course, but some of the theories he made up to explain them away are entertaining."
"And which deity finally killed the fool for his blasphemy?" he asked, settling himself into the space she'd made for him.
"The Bitch Queen, according to the forward, though some priests of Talos try to claim credit for him. A wiser man would have avoided traveling by sea no matter what he believed, just in case." She flipped through the pages for a moment before setting it aside and sighing softly. "I can't help but imagine how much simpler my life would be if his ideas were true."
"Ah, yes," Edwin said, the words stiff with sarcasm. "Not existing would certainly be simple. (Must I always be the only person capable of following an idea to its logical conclusion?)"
"All right, it does have an obvious downside," she admitted easily enough before a flicker of pain flashed through her eyes, "Though if it didn't mean Imoen's end too the change might still almost be worth the cost. If there were no Bhaalspawn than Gorion would still walk the world. Ah, but all this is distracting me from what I was actually trying to research. I've been seeing what I find here on souls... or soullessness, more accurately."
"Has your condition been giving you more trouble? A word of warning would have been appropriate, woman; my arm has hardly recovered from the last time you mauled it as the Slayer."
"I did heal it and apologize for that. No need to get snappy about it again," she had the audacity to chide him when she was the one who had woken him one morning by almost tearing off his arm in a mindless fit of violence. Then the corners of her eyes curled with a smile that didn't appear on her lips and she went on in a more friendly tone, "And, my 'condition' Edwin? You make it sound like I'm with child. But no, it's not troubling me." She picked up another thick book, running her fingers over the gilt letters on its cover. "That's actually the problem, in a manner of speaking. Imoen went mad without her soul, even if you could almost forget that looking at her now. Irenicus and Bodhi might have as well, it's not like we know what they were like before. If nothing else I know that they lost their ability to feel things properly. But I... I can feel the gap where my soul is meant to be, the way my father's taint flooded in to fill the void and the Slayer curled at its heart, but apart from that I haven't noticed any difference in myself at all. My thoughts and feelings are the same as they ever were, my ideals and desires entirely unchanged. I think that I'd rest easier if I could come up with some theory for why I'm so different."
"I might have an idea (of course my brilliant mind would be the only one to so easily see through this puzzle)," he said, turning her words over in his mind as he gathered his thoughts on the matter together. "It may simply be how terrible you are at all you do showing itself in yet another way."
"Excuse me?" she asked, shooting up straight to stare at him, looking and sounding more baffled than angry. "Edwin, if this is your idea of how to set someone at ease than you're worse at it than I would ever have expected."
"If you would allow me to continue? (Do these barbarians just never teach their children not to interrupt?)" he said, narrowing his eyes at her. "As I was going to say, let us look over the things you are, shall we? A scholar who spends too much time fighting and questing to give more than a few minutes a week to her books. A traveler who would prefer to be a homebody but has never found a lasting place to call home. I don't believe I even need to mention how atrociously you fail at being a proper Bhaalspawn; doubtless anyone who has met you knowing what you are has wondered if Alaundo's visions were becoming somewhat blurry by the time he reached our era, as even the idea that you might think of sowing chaos seems absurd. (I swear, if the woman were a mage herself her familiar would be some type of fluffy bunny that throws magical happiness dust. Disgusting.)"
"All right," she said, the corners of her mouth twitching, "you're getting a little better at this."
"Of course. I am naturally accomplished at anything I set out to do, did you doubt that?"
"Oh no, Edwina, why would I ever do that?" she asked, her tone syrupy sweet even as she rolled her eyes at him.
He scowled at her but went on with what he'd been planning to say, "As for your career as a paladin, even ignoring the matter of a certain assassination-"
"For Heaven's sake, Edwin, how many times must I tell you that I did not murder Dynaheir? The poor woman was so glad to escape the pit she'd been kept in that she missed my warning that we hadn't finished clearing the fortress and ran straight into a patrol of gnolls before I could catch up with her. I hadn't even met you yet." She reached out to lightly flick his shoulder with her fingers, "Honestly, as much as it might hurt your ego to accept that my life does not revolve around you, I didn't run off before accompanying Minsc to the fortress, find a diviner, and beg them to reveal to me how I might win that handsome man in red I saw across the river in Nashkel to my side. And I wouldn't have killed her if I did."
"(Hm, 'handsome' she says. Unsurprising; there is no woman who could deny the charms of an Odesseiron.) As I said, ignoring the witch, let us look at your career. You are a cavalier who has just recently ensured that there will someday be more dragons in the world by returning Adalon's eggs. You not only count a drow as one of your companions, you dote over her like a mother hen every time you catch her in the clutches of someone crowing for her blood. You act as if you're playing out the part of a paladin in a storybook, helping anyone who asks even if they're clearly only attempting to use you and intend to betray you the moment you've served their purposes-"
"Better to be betrayed a hundred times than to risk turning away one person who genuinely needs my help just because they look suspicious!" she snapped, this last point apparently striking a nerve. "I can put up with all the Samias and, oh, even the Yoshimos if it means I don't turn away the... well, you for one. Do you have any idea how many people would have given me that exact warning for letting a Red Wizard join me? But then, it seems as if you're as much of a failure at being a Red Wizard as I apparently am at being a paladin, going by everything I know of the group; for all your grumbling you've never once made a grab for power, have never done anything but help on any of our quests no matter how altruistic they were, and I'm fairly certain that a successful Red Wizard would have at least attempted to convince Irenicus to let them join his side when it became clear that I wouldn't be the one coming out on top in that battle."
"You dare-"
"Don't insult people if you can't stand it when they respond in kind!" she cut him off. "That's a lesson you should have already learned, if your land is as civilized as you always claim."
"I was not insulting you, you foolish simian!" he all but shouted. "My point is that you are the things that those other baboons only fool the world into thinking they must be. You help people regardless of caste or creed, you earned the favor of a priestess of Umberlee because you saw her as nothing more than a little girl whose mother had been murdered even as she channeled the Bitch Queen's power, you... you broker trade deals between ogres and townspeople. It is obvious at every turn that the books of Candlekeep trained you to your calling instead of any real paladin, because compared to the way real paladins act the storybook knight is a failure. Believe me, this Order you think so highly of is filled to the brim with nothing more than thugs who will happily cut down anyone whose morals differ the slightest bit from their own, even if they have never done a thing wrong by the laws of their own land. I've seen them do things which I know would have you fighting against them in an instant if you were there to witness it. (The things I could show her if we ever have time to hunt down one of the towns they're harassing...)
"So you see, you are terrible at all you do, yet somehow you always manage turn that to your advantage. The benevolent Bhaalspawn is the one who is somehow able to control the powers of the Slayer. The paladin who never even appears to consider using her evil-seeing eyes before promising someone her aid has never once fallen apart from that time you were tricked into it, and has doubtlessly managed to do more good in a year than any of these other empty-minded brutes have in their entire lives. Of course you would be equally terrible at being soulless, and in being so avoid all the unpleasant side-effects that are meant to go with it."
She was staring at him by the time he finished speaking, her eyes unusually bright. "How..." she began, then needed to clear her throat around a tremor in her voice before she could try again, "How in the world did you manage to turn that around into saying something nice? If I didn't know better I'd think you'd been hiding an aptitude for kindness from us all this time." She scrubbed a hand over her eyes, but managed a smile a moment later. "I'm sorry for calling you a failure; I hope you know I don't really see you as one. I wouldn't usually lash out like that, but... I can handle however many 'primate', 'barbarian', or 'do-gooder' insults you feel like throwing at me, I know that by now there's no real malice behind them, but the things you seemed to be trying to say this time? I think they hurt more coming from you, Edwin, than they would from anyone else."
"Well, of course. It is only natural that you would feel especially concerned with keeping a place in my high regard."
"All the same, Edwin... if you ever feel like making a speech like that again, make sure to let me know going in that there will be a positive angle to it; I was this close to throwing you out of the building and refusing to let you have a spot in my party again." She swung her legs off the settee and briefly bumped her shoulder affectionately against his before standing up and gathering up her stack of books to start putting them away. "And that would have been a tragedy. How could I possibly get by without my Red Wizard by my side?"