A/N: Here's another GG oneshot. It's back to my usual Blair x Chuck. I had a line of this written from a long time ago…well the first two sentences after the quote. Back then, when I first wrote it, it was going to be a CB oneshot, but it was going to be about Blair being with Nate when she really wanted to be with Chuck—that would be during the whole Hi Society, School Lies, etc. time period. When I found this in my files, I suddenly got inspiration for a post finale oneshot and it still worked with the first two lines. I started typing away (which I hardly ever do, I like to write my stories on paper first) and all of a sudden there was two thousand words and a lovely little CB oneshot.
So here it is, Chuck never makes it to Tuscany. I like to ignore the whole Ben character (it was Ben wasn't it? I can't remember. I didn't care enough about him). Because I know Blair will probably end things with Chuck in the actual series (cause that would allow for another whole season of drama trying to get them together)…it happens here…but don't worry there is a happy ending…lol. Anyway, I've rambled on enough. Enjoy. R&R! Thanks! –Mac
Disclaimer: I don't own GG.
Close Your Eyes, Close Your Heart
"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."
Blair Waldorf held a firm belief that if you deny something long enough and with enough conviction it cannot be true. She believed in creating your own reality—even if it was a false reality. So when Chuck didn't show in Tuscany right away, she pretended at first that he had just been held up. Something important must have come up and he was trying his hardest to get to her. When he didn't arrive in Tuscany at all, Blair took a deep breath and forgot all about him. She put herself under the impression that it was better that he didn't come at all. She had a good enough time on her own. Who wouldn't enjoy a week in golden Tuscany? She would see Chuck when she returned to New York, and all would be well. He must have a good reason why he didn't show. He would explain himself.
But deep down in Blair, a part of her knew that Chuck Bass never had a good reason. Chuck Bass had one reason. And if she let herself think about what that reason was, it would break her heart. So she didn't think about it. She pushed it from her mind and put a smile on. That's what she did. She hid behind her perfect little façade and she was all the better for it. Or so she thought.
When she arrived back in Manhattan, Chuck was waiting with some rehearsed speech about his father and something she didn't care to listen to. She could see right through him. She hated that he was lying to her, and that she knew it. Then again, he did make the effort to try and fool her. It meant he still wanted to be with her, and she could live with that. She did it for Nate…why shouldn't she for Chuck?
Comparing her relationship with him to her relationship with Nate was the wrong thing to do. Because even in her head, it made everything she had built up to hide the flaws fall apart around her. She wouldn't go through that again. So, she had a choice. She could try and rebuild the crumbled façade that Chuck was faithful and loyal to her alone and go on living with his lies hanging over her. Or she could tell him she knew all about whatever whore he had gotten a hold of while she was gone, and then build up a new façade: one that said "I never really thought Chuck could change, so please I knew it was going to happen," when in fact she had hoped that maybe with her it would be different.
She chose the latter, because no matter how long she could close her eyes against Chuck's wrongdoing it wouldn't hurt any less.
"I don't believe you," Blair said coolly.
Chuck faltered, "What do you mean you 'don't believe' me?"
"I don't believe you," Blair repeated more firmly. "Look, Chuck, I don't want you to lie to me. When you didn't show I figured you had found some tramp who wasn't looking for a relationship. So, do you want to tell me again why you didn't join me in Tuscany?"
"Blair…"
"Come on, Chuck. Who was she?" Blair raised an eyebrow at him, "One of the maids? A cook? A new bartender maybe?"
"Lily's interior designer," Chuck finally answered, his gaze turning to the ground.
"Hmm, that's a new one," Blair thought about it a moment. "I guess that's it then. Have a good summer Chuck. I'll see you around."
"That's it?" Chuck questioned as Blair prepared to leave. "You're not angry? You're not going to yell at me? You don't even care?"
"Of course I care," Blair responded. "I never expected you to change, so I'm not entirely surprised. So why would I be angry? I have no reason to yell at you. We tried this before. I don't know why I would ever think it would be different."
With that final word Blair left. Chuck wasn't sure how to feel about what had occurred. He knew that eventually it would come out—the truth always found its way out, usually at the hands of Gossip Girl. He had been expected a different reaction from Blair, though. He could handle anger. He could try to handle tears. But indifference? He had no idea how to deal with that. He was thrown, understandably.
The rest of the summer was good to Blair. The Hamptons, working on her town, getting over her shock that somehow while she and Chuck were falling apart Serena and Nate were getting together, and other fabulous things. Like the rest of the Upper East Side, Chuck had ended up in the Hamptons as well. That was all well and good. Blair was civil when the occasion called for it, but for the better part she avoided him like last year's fashion trends.
When Serena asked her about what happened, she put on her mask and she spun the reality she wanted to believe in around her. If she said it enough times it would become real. She was certain.
"Really S, who ever thought that Chuck could be with one person? I certainly didn't." Blair replied.
"What happened to the whole 'I bring out the best in him' thing?" Serena questioned.
There was nothing Blair hated more than having her own words thrown back at her. She took a deep breath and answered, "So I embellished a little. I was still in the honeymoon stage of our relationship. Granted, it didn't get much further than that since he was shacking up with a decorator within hours of me saying that…It doesn't matter. It was expected. He is Chuck Bass," Blair put on an impression of his husky drawl earning a laugh from Serena. "I'm over it."
"B, you know it wouldn't be held against you if you admitted to believing in him. Everyone wanted the two of you to work. I know I did, for both of your sakes." Serena responded.
Blair scoffed, "Wow S. It's not like I was in love with him or anything."
"I don't believe that," Serena shook her head, "I think you did and I know he loved you. I think he still does."
"What gives you that idea?" Blair swallowed, but held her composure.
"The way he looks at you," Serena shrugged. "It's the way Dan used to look at me."
Serena looked reminiscent, and Blair frowned, "I thought things were going good with Nate. You're not still hung up on Cabbage Patch are you?"
"Let's not forget the subject of this conversation is you. But no, I'm not hung up on Dan anymore and things are good with Nate. We're just at the beginning of our relationship though. If I'm going to look for a comparison…we're not to that place Dan and I were at quite yet." Serena said, "Look, we're talking about you, not me."
"Chuck is not in love with me," Blair shook her head.
"And how do you know that?"
"He cheated on me Serena, after a week…that kind of gives the impression that he didn't love me to begin with." Blair closed her eyes, "I don't want to talk about this."
"See, I told you…I know how you are Blair. You like to hide behind this perfect picture of what you want for yourself. You did the same thing with Nate, you know. You saw your happy ending with him and wouldn't even acknowledge the existence of any problems."
"You forget that one of those problems was that he cheated on me..." Blair looked at Serena pointedly, "Do you think I wanted to go through that again?"
"Then why would you get with Chuck expecting, as you said, that he would cheat on you?" Serena raised an eyebrow.
Like Blair with Chuck, Serena could see right through Blair. She knew her friend was hurt by what Chuck had done, but she also knew that Blair still had feelings for Chuck and vice versa. Serena believed that maybe the two were being hurt more by being apart than what they would be together. If she could get Blair to see reason, maybe there would be a remedy to that.
Blair didn't answer, so Serena continued, "You can have it both ways, B. It's possible for you to handle your problems and move forward, rather than pretend there's nothing wrong. Chuck made a mistake. He still wants to be with you. So, if you still want to be with him, you don't have to pretend he did nothing wrong. If you make him understand how much it hurt you, he might just surprise you and try to change."
Blair's first instinct was to ignore Serena's advice all together. She didn't want to believe that Serena had any idea how she should live her life. But when school started in the fall, it became clear to her that Serena knew what she was talking about. Blair hadn't been avoiding Chuck because she was upset about how he had treated her, or even because she was indifferent toward her relationship with him. She was avoiding him because she was afraid of how much she still wanted to be with him—despite all that had happened, all that he had done. She still had feelings for him, and they were working their way to the front of her mind as she began to see him everyday again.
It started slowly. She was able to talk to him like she used to, because no one really knew her like Chuck did and she liked to believe that she knew him best as well. Soon enough, he was the only one she was really spending time with save for Serena. Blair would always be sitting with him at parties. She would be seen visiting the Palace when it had been posted on Gossip Girl that Serena was off somewhere else with Nate. Her time with him became so frequent that Gossip Girl had begun speculating about how they must be together again. Chuck and she would laugh it off, reading the witty updates together.
Blair kept telling herself that she didn't really want to get back together with Chuck. She was more than fine to remain close friends with him as they had been the past few months. Back to normal, she called it—though her normal hadn't included Serena and Nate being all lovey-dovey twenty-four-seven and the Humphreys hanging around persistently. She let herself believe that.
And it held up, until her eighteenth birthday. She had been expecting some gag gift from Chuck to celebrate her becoming a legal adult. A pack of cigarettes, a lottery ticket, an adult movie—Chuck would find something like that amusing. When she opens his gift, Blair decides she needs to stop making assumptions about Chuck.
Blair can't contain her surprise as she looks down at the bracelet he had bought her. Taking advantage of her speechlessness, Chuck took the jewelry box back from her and slips the bracelet out. He took a hold of her wrist and delicately wrapped it around and clasped it. He let it fall into place and ran his fingers over the links to straighten it perfectly. Blair still hadn't found her tongue, so Chuck filled the silence.
"I had it custom made," Chuck said quietly, "I thought you would recognize the significance."
She did. The bracelet was silver and each link was a butterfly encrusted in small diamonds. She didn't know what to say, so she just said the obvious, "It's beautiful."
"Blair," Chuck took a deep breath. As he began to speak, Blair was grateful that they were alone. "I know we've tried to make this work before, and I've made mistakes…but these butterflies haven't gone away and I just don't have the strength to murder them. I want to apologize for what I did…"
"Chuck, don't…" Blair shook her head.
"No, it was wrong. You deserve an apology," Chuck laughed lightly, "You deserve better than me, but I'm hoping that you can see in me the potential that you saw in me before…before I ruined everything. I know now, that what you said right after…you didn't mean that. You wanted to believe in me. I'm asking you to try and believe in me again and this time it will be different because I believe in me this time."
"Chuck, this isn't you. This romantic thing you're doing…this isn't you." Blair responded quietly.
Chuck looked Blair right in the eyes, "You bring out the good in me and I…I love you Blair."
Blair's eyes widened, "You don't mean that."
"Yes, I do," Chuck nodded. He moved closer to her, "I love you, Blair."
"Chuck…"
Chuck inched even closer to her, and whispered almost right against her lips, "I love you, Blair."
Chuck kissed her and she kissed back. She couldn't help herself. Blair realized finally that she could close her eyes to the future she saw with Chuck, but she couldn't close her heart against the love he held for him.