The Dating Game Continued
Continuation by: IsaacGaretMia
Disclaimer: I do not own golden sun, nor the concept of dating games, in fact I do not own the original piece of work. Credit is given to Kyarorain, and I'm sure we are all sorry that he stopped writing his hilarious comedy.
Alex waited at stage left, watching the crowd settle into their seats. Curse that big rock… Making him host this show again, how DARE he?! Just because he snuck off and became a contestant and tried to kill Isaac for his power, now he has to host this show forever?! Dammit! Hopefully the show wouldn't be so shocking and vulgar this time around… The Wise one had outsourced the cardwriting job to an underpaid worker in Xian... so things should calm down, right?
An technician called out five seconds till live. Alex prepared an utterly fake smile, and prepared for a humiliating experience. The Dating Game theme song played, and Alex walked onstage, flashing his utterly fake smile and reading off his cue card.
"Welcome, to another exciting episode of… The Dating Game! The job of writing the script has changed hands, so the show should be much less vulgar!"
Half of the crowd cheered, and Alex could see the side with the banner saying 'Alex Is HOT!' doing their best to get Alex to notice him. While he was looking at his fanbase, a tomato hit him in the side of his face, from his enemy side. Ignoring them, he turned over to his next cue card.
"Now, we proceed to the part of the program where one lucky guy gets to choose from three lovely girls!! Lets reveal our contestant, you love him, you know him, Ladies and Gentlemen and Rocks, here he is, FELIX OF VALE!!"
Alex was at least trying to sound like a host this time, determined to serve out his life sentence so he could try and steal Isaac's power again at the end. Felix was sitting in the chair, mortified at being picked to be a contestant.
"Why in hell am I here, Alex?!"
"Yeah, Alex! Why is HE here?! I thought I was the contestant!"
Garet walked onstage from stage left, and Alex was confused. Had noone briefed the young and stupid Mars adept?
"Garet, there was another information leak, and when everyone learned that you were the contestant, noone signed up…"
Garet turned to the audience, and started to prepare a nice big fire spell before Alex knocked him out and teleported away with him, setting him in front of his house, and teleporting back to the stage in a second.
"Sorry, folks. That being taken care of, lets move on to our lucky ladies!"
"Alex, I'm going to make you pay for this…"
Alex walked over and whispered in the usually quiet boy's ear.
"Trust me, the contestants are good this time. Just enjoy yourself and it will all be over."
Alex doubled over in pain as he felt a strong fist knock into his groin. After a few Ply's and a hurried scurrying away, he reached the other side of the curtain, where the three lovely ladies were waiting.
"And first, it's Sheba of Lalivero!"
"It's Felix on the other side, isn't it Alex!"
Immediately, several members of the crowd rose from their seats, shouting: "LIGHTHOUSESHIPPING!!" Before being promptly reseated by security. Evidently, lighthouseshipping was intensely popular amongst the audience. Since Alex was supposed to ignore the audience, he proceeded on to the next girl in the chair.
"And our next contestant… What the-?"
A large closet had been erected on the stage, and was securely locked from the inside. Apparently, someone was trying to make a point here.
"Excuse me, could you please tell the audience your name?"
"NO! I will not come out of the closet unless Felix picks me!"
Ugh, this was beginning to give him a headache. And he was hoping to have a non-crazy show this time. Ignoring the second contestant, he proceeded to the third chair, where an old acquaintance sat.
"What the-… Karst?"
"Yes, it's me. What are you staring at, fool?"
"Well I uh… Didn't expect you to come here for Felix, is all…"
"Oh, Felix is the contestant? I hadn't heard. I was hoping for someone to replace Agatio, the stupid git. He died in the lighthouse before it lit."
"Oh. Ladies and Gentlemen, Karst of Prox!"
A large portion of the audience cheered at this. Apparently, most of them had hoped to see Karst's sensitive side, and this was their chance. Suddenly, many of them started chanting: "DUSK! DUSK! DUSK! DUSK!" To Alex, that didn't even make sense, because all of the other names made some sort of sense… But that one didn't even remotely sound like Felix and Karst at all…
"Alright, Felix! It's time to ask your questions!"
Alex ducked as Felix sent a large Spire at him, and proceeded to teleport right behind him and whisper in his ear:
"Listen, Felix. Either you ask those questions of your own free will, or I use part of the Golden Sun to hypnotize you and MAKE you do it, understand?"
Felix nodded, who didn't particularly want to wake up with some random girl next to him. Alex sighed with relief, and stood next to the curtain and awaited the questions.
"Number One… If you had to pick three people to go on a date with, who would they be?"
Alex waited for the response, and here it was:
"Well, I would first pick Felix… Then I would pick Ivan, Then I would pick Isaac, because he's cute."
Felix nodded, clearly trying to figure out who would pick those three people… Then he shrugged, and looked at the next card.
"Number two… who would you… Euwwww, this is disgusting! I'm picking a different question. Number Two, where do you see yourself in a year?"
The person in the closet hesitated for a second, then a muffled answer was heard:
"With you, travelling across Weyard!"
Felix was definitely thinking about that one… He wouldn't mind spending that much time with someone, as long as he liked the girl…
"Alright, um… Number Three, do you like to dance?"
"I think dancing is a useless show of affection, and chivalry is the only course to a lady's heart."
Karst spat out the answer like rapidfire, clearly having strong beliefs about the subject. The audience booed, hoping for something a little more affectionate than that. Felix had to stop and think, who in the world would think that? He was definitely impressed at the answer though, because he was indeed silent and closed off most of the time too.
"Okay, next question… Number One, where is your ideal first date?"
Sheba thought for a moment, then answered: "I enjoy places high up with spectacular views, but I would be anywhere with you…"
Felix looked disturbed… evidently, he had a fangirl, who liked high places and wanted to have him at all costs. Felix did not agree with high places very well, he had mostly jumped off the lighthouse just to get off it… so he decided that the first girl was out.
"Alright, Number Two: If you could have any body part from an animal, which would you choose?"
A muffled answer came through the closet: "Well, I would choose a elephants-" The rest was obscured by a long bleep. Alex looked through the curtain, thanking Sol for the sound effects department.
"I didn't get that. And I'm glad I didn't. Next one."
"Good choice, Felix."
Ignoring Alex, Felix switched to the next card.
"Number Three: If I were injured, what would you do?"
"I would give you some herbs and take you to a hospital, of course."
Karst, again, spat out the answer like it was burning a hole in her. The audience gasped, seeing for the first time some spark of compassion in her. Then they started applauding for the Proxian girl.
"Wow, why is the audience clapping? The answer wasn't that special…"
But the answer had indeed given him something about the girl. Either she was a wind adept or Mars adept, or she was a commoner. He decided that he would take his chances with her, but there were still more cards to read.
"Alright, Number One: If one of us had to die, and the other could live, and you could choose, which would it be?"
"I would choose to give myself up so you could live."
Although Felix was impressed, he was also disturbed that a fangirl would be that obsessed with him.
"Ummm, okay. Number Two: If you could have any superpower: which would it be?"
Another answer out of the closet: "Superhuman Strength."
"I wonder why he wouldn't like to fly…"
Alex gasped, suddenly figuring out exactly who was in the closet. He ran forward and started whispering frantically in Felix's ear.
"For the love of Sol, do NOT pick number two, whatever you do!!"
"Why not?"
"Trust me, you won't like it…"
For once, Felix was inclined to agree. The person behind door number two did NOT sound like a girl to him.
"Alright, Number Three: If you were dying, what would your last words to me be?"
"Depends. Were you dying with me, or were you living?"
"Um… Let's say I'm dying with you."
"See you on the other side."
The answers came back so fast, Felix barely had time to think, and then the audience started laughing uproariously, so Felix couldn't hear himself think. Things were all so confusing!
"PEOPLE! SHUT UP SO I CAN MAKE A DECISION!"
The audience took several seconds to quiet down, and then they waited on bated breath. Would he pick Sheba, or Karst? Or that weird person in the closet…
"Alright Felix, who do you choose?"
Alex was right next to Felix now, as he promptly announced:
"I choose Number Three."
"Alright, Felix! Let's see who you rejected!"
Alex walked over behind the curtain, bringing Sheba back with him.
"First, you rejected Sheba of Lalivero!"
"Sh- SHEBA?!"
"Felix, how could you?!"
She was in tears, and Felix tried to explain.
"Well, I'm not a fan of heights, and you sorta sounded like someone who's obsessed with me…"
"You jumped off Venus Lighthouse to save me!"
"I just kinda wanted to get down from there, actually…"
The audience promptly broke out in uproarious laughter once again. When they had settled down, and Sheba had run off crying her eyes out, Alex was holding the incredibly heavy closet.
"Alright, you rejected someone in the closet! Now come out or I'll blast you out!"
The door opened, revealing…
"PIERS?! YOU'RE GAY?!"
"FELIX! WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME!"
Piers ran off the stage crying too. Alex was astounded that Felix was so popular.
"Why don't I get any fans…"
The fangirl side of the audience promptly started to cry, which Alex took no notice of. And he wondered why he had no fans…
"And you picked…"
A drumroll sounded. The sound department was doing a great job this time, he noted. He brought back Karst, who was walking with her head held high to meet Felix.
"Karst of Prox!!"
"Karst?! You're alive?! And you want me?"
"Yep, weakling. I go with the strongest, and right now that's you, big guy."
"And now, you get to pick one of three possible vacations!"
"Honestly, Alex. I really don't care. You can pick, Karst."
Karst promptly knocked Alex over, and stole the envelopes. She opened one after the other, burning the ones that were too repulsive.
"The Taopo Swamp? What the- Alex, remind me to kill you someday. Ah, here's a good one. Champa… I've always wanted to see their forge."
"Fair enough. The lapis is right here, shall we go?"
Karst walked over to Felix, and they promptly teleported away. Alex was left alone in the middle of the stage, where his enemies were starting to throw orange peels at him.
"Alright, we'll be back with Part Two of the Dating Game right after a word from our sponsors!"
Alex walked offstage, trying to find the herb store. He needed as much Ibuprofen as he could get.
"And we're back! The Dating Game will now turn to Part Two! Where one lucky lady gets to choose from three guys!"
Alex was back onstage, after nearly overdosing of Ibuprofen, being saved only by a quick Ply spell. Alex could barely feel his head now. However, Alex was also feeling the best he had ever felt on this show. He had finally found a contestant that wouldn't get the crowd riled up at all!
"And now, for our lucky lady! You know her, you bought stuff from her, Ladies and Gentlemen, iiiit's… THE ITEM SHOP GIRL FROM IZUMO!!"
The audience was suitably confused. What were they supposed to do now? There were no shippings involving the item shop girls…
"IZUMOSHIPPING!!"
And with that word, Alex realized in horror that the entire crowd would be chanting that for the entire game. He nearly broke down into tears at the thought of it, only being brought back by his dignity, which was on the verge of packing up and leaving if he didn't keep going with the show.
"Now, let's meet the three lucky guys who can choose our beautiful lady here!"
Alex walked to the right of the curtain, looking at the three guys who had lined up. He thanked Sol that there weren't any weirdoes here… Oh crap, not Kraden again!
"Kraden what are you doing here! You were BANNED!"
"I'm back by popular demand! Everyone loves me!"
The entire crowd started booing at that statement. Apparently, the crowd thought that Kraden was so annoying he was only deserving of himself. Alex wiped the sweat off his brow, clearly wondering if he should kick him out or not… Finally, he decided that he'd let it slide, then kill him later.
"Alright, our first contestant: Ivan of Kalay!"
The crowd started cheering their heads off. Apparently, that was what Izumoshipping was all about. Then they started chanting, and Alex sincerely wanted to teleport out of here right that second… Had that spell still been in his ability. Unfortunately, the Ibuprofen made him unable to concentrate long enough to get out of there.
"Our next contestant… Kraden of Tolbi!"
The crowd switched from cheering to booing again. Inside, Alex was glad that Kraden was not well loved. It would mean that noone would care if he killed him. The next contestant was…
"Um… Who are you?"
"I am Master Feh, of Xian. I come to find beautiful girl, yes?"
"Uhh, okay… There you have it folks, Master Feh of Xian!"
The crowd was confused again. They were torn between Ivan and Feh. Suddenly, someone in the audience shouted:
"FEHSHIPPING!!"
Oh no, not again…. Oh Sol, now they were rioting! The Izumoshippers were undaunted by security and proceeded to impale the unfortunate Fehshippers with stakes before order was restored. A few quick Ply's, and everything was back to its old self: everyone fighting over ships.
"Dammit, it never fails! They always argue!"
'GET ON WITH THE SHOW, ALEX!'
"Okay, so: Izumo Item Shop girl, you may now ask your questions."
The girl from Izumo held the card up to her face, and spoke in a dainty, delicate voice.
"Are you good at mountain climbing?"
"Which contestant?"
"Number… Two?"
Kraden answered:
"Yes, I have scaled Mt Aleph before!"
Alex was tempted to impale Kraden for not telling the truth. Alex knew that Isaac and Garet had done all of the work. Fortunately, the girl seemed unimpressed.
"Mt. Aleph? I have never heard of such a thing! Are you making things up?"
Kraden was crestfallen, and Alex was laughing his butt off. When he had finished, Alex told the girl to ask Number One a question.
"Okay, Number One: If there was a giant serpent guarding me, would you defeat it to save me?"
"I would! I would strike it down with my fists and power!"
Alex wiped the sweat off of his brow. If he had let slip that he was a Wind adept, then the game would have lost its randomness.
"Okay! Yay! Number Three… What would you feed me if I was sick?"
"I would feed you medicine, then I would roast fish from our lake and herbs from our garden."
The Item Shop girl seemed to not like fish at all, which sent Alex laughing even harder. She lived on an island for Sol's sake!
"Okay, number One again: Tell me something true about the other guys!"
Alex started to protest, until the Wise One shocked his body remotely. 'The question is good, she is seeing if number one will tell the truth. You cannot interfere, or I will shock you again.' Alex was beginning to hate that big rock even more.
"Um… The guy next to me is really boring, and the other one is really old!"
Alex told her that Number One was indeed telling the truth, which scored points in the girls point of view.
"Now, Number Two: Linen or Wool? I don't understand…"
What the-? Who was writing this crap? After a mental argument between himself and the Wise One, followed by several more zaps, Alex managed to restrain himself. Kraden answered:
"Wool is very scratchy, and Linen is not very attractive… I would say whichever you liked best!"
The little cheeky suckup! Alex resolved to torture the man before he killed him. Again, the girl was not pleased with the answer, so Alex was happy for the present.
"Number Three… Who do you idolize?"
"I idolize noone, as I teach those who idolize me."
The girl seemed very put off by the response. This man seemed very self absorbed!
"Um… Number One? The world is about to end… What do you say to me?"
"I would say that everything's going to be okay, and that we both lived good lives."
The Item shop girl looked to be very pleased, and the crowd was now busy making Izumoshipping signs in the audience. One by one, these banners came up, and they looked to be even bigger than the Alex is HOT banners. For the first time, Alex noticed this, and finally got the message that Ivan was more popular than him. The Wise One had to shock him several times to get him to stop making for the corner to cry his eyes out.
"Number Two! I can't walk anymore! What do you do?"
"I take you to a Sanctum so they can heal you!"
The girl didn't know whether that answer was good OR bad… She resolved to call it neutral, and asked the last question:
"Number Three! I wake up one morning, and suddenly can't use vowels! When I say wht s gng n?, what do you say back?"
For once, all three contestants were dumbfounded. None of them could think up an answer to that question. Finally, Master Feh broke the silence, by saying:
"I do not know… I think I would help you some how, but I would not know how to."
The girl seemed disappointed. Was that really so common nowadays? Then Alex noticed that the questions were done with, and started to inwardly cheer. It was almost over! Alex walked over, saying:
"Well, you heard it here folks! Now, which of these lucky guys do you choose?!"
"I choose number One!"
The crowd went wild. Literally. They started to bang their banners over the Fehshippers heads, and started screaming at the top of their lungs. Thankfully, Alex had put his hands over his ears in preparation, and began to walk to the other side of the curtain suffering little ear damage.
"You rejected: KRADEN OF TOLBI!"
"Why, why you beautiful girl! I wanted you!"
"Ew, you horrible old man. You really ARE boring!"
Kraden stomped off stage, being rejected for the third time.
"And now for the new policy! If someone has come on the show and has been rejected three times in a row, then everyone can end his misery! That's right folks! Kraden can now be killed!"
The crowd went wild, leaving only a handful of people in the stands to watch the rest of the proceeds.
"You also rejected: Master Feh of Xian!"
The master took one look at the rather attractive young girl, and sighed, walking off the stage with his head held low.
"And here is the person you picked: Ivan of Kalay!"
Ivan walked over from the other side of the curtain, staring at the beautiful girl from Izumo. And that's all he did, he just stared. Apparently, he hadn't seen a pretty girl like that in a while. He mouthed: 'Wow…" as Alex herded him close to her.
"And now, you may pick your vacation!"
Alex pulled out three envelopes from his pocket, and spread them out to her. She picked the one on the left, and opened it. Suddenly, she started squealing.
"YAY! WE GET TO GO TO THE TOP OF MT. MIKAGE!!"
Ivan couldn't have been happier. He was going to a place where he could see for miles out into the ocean, with a pretty girl to boot! Alex handed her the vacation packet, which promptly warped them to their location.
"Thank you all for watching, and we'll see you next time on: THE DATING GAME!"
The cameras stopped rolling, and Alex slumped to the floor of the studio, thankful that it was finally over. Noone stopped to pick him up though.