Warning: Mentions of self-harm and attempted suicide!
DO NOT READ IF THAT MAKES YOU UPSET OR UNCOMFORTABLE!
XXX
Erin's elbows were rested on her knees as she sat cross-legged on the cliff's edge, her fingers scraping through the damp grass, mud catching under her nails. Her old, well-worn I-pod was sitting in her lap on her crossed ankles, her eyes staring off across the ocean as numb tears trickled down her cheeks, her lips silently moving in sync with the song coming from the ear buds connected to her I-pod. A song she'd listened to so many times she could probably sing it in her sleep. Not that she'd let herself. She'd never let anyone hear her singing it or listening to it. Especially the guys. They were already worrying about her 24/7. They thought she didn't know that they made a point to run by her house multiple times during patrols, but she did. She simply knew better than to mention it.
The problem with the song she was currently listening to, practically on replay, was that it was kind of a sad song. Sure, if you simply listened to the opening cords, you wouldn't immediately say, "Oh, that's a sad song." It didn't have a sad sound to it, but if you actually listened to the lyrics, you'd know; and the guys would all know it matched her situation perfectly.
Erin had lived on the reservation her entire life, and her mother was Quileute, so that wasn't really where the problems start. It's the fact that her father was a paleface. It's not the fact that he's a paleface that bothers people; well, for the most part. It's the fact that Erin, herself, was the result of a drunken one-night-stand with a blonde outsider who was simply passing through. Practically everyone in the area knew the story, they just didn't have a name to put to the man's face. Erin wasn't even sure her own mother knew the name of the man. So, her father's genes combined with her mother's resulted in a baby girl with tan skin just a shade lighter than her classmates', with blue-gray eyes and dirty blonde hair; her hair obviously being the trait that stood out the most among all the black-haired natives.
So obviously, in school many kids looked at her funny when she was little, asking why her hair was so weird. There were even a few parents who told their kids to stay away from her, fearing she might be a bad example. Most parents said those things behind her back, some weren't so kind. Sure, most kids weren't openly mean to her, and in group or partner projects she worked rather well with other students. But outside of school she was a loner, with really no one she would call a friend.
This eventually lead to a depression. She wasn't positive if she had a medical form of depression, she wasn't even sure if depression could be genetic or if it was simply her life that caused it. Either way, she didn't have any antidepressants or anything to help with it, mostly because her mother was too cheap to bother with any of that, even if she knew about it. She was too busy spending her money on alcohol and her time on men. That was another reason Erin and her mother weren't exactly welcome among certain members of the tribe. Erin's mother, Deborah, to put it simply, was a slut. She slept around with any man that would bother with her. It was a miracle Erin didn't have a single sibling, much less twenty.
So, when Erin was fourteen and hit an all-time low with the emotional pain, she discovered an outlet in cutting herself. The sting just seemed to distract her long enough that she almost forgot about everything else. She wasn't sure if that was why others did it, but it seemed to work for her. Before she knew it, she was practically addicted to the feeling and escape it offered her.
She made sure to keep the scars hidden, cutting only her forearms near her elbows; and she always wore long-sleeved shirts and sweatshirts just to be safe, which never stood out since it was always so cool, even in the summer.
So, her life pretty much continued that way, she kept to herself as the loner she'd always been, and no one ever suspected anything about her cutting herself.
However, that all changed one day in the school cafeteria. One simple, seemingly non-related event that began a sort of domino effect.
~*0*~
Erin was simply sitting alone at one of the circle-shaped lunch tables in the corner of the lunchroom, her cheek on her fist as she drew random shapes with her fork in her mashed potatoes. Then, a shadow draped over her, blocking the bright, fake lights above. Looking up, she found herself staring up into the face of Quil Ateara.
"Um, hey. Uh, can I sit with you?" he asked nervously. Quil Ateara? Nervous? When did that happen? But, despite her confusion and desire to be alone, Erin found herself nodding without thinking about it. Looking a bit relieved, though Erin noticed the sadness still in his eyes, Quil sat down in one of the many empty seats across from her.
"Thanks. You're Erin, right?" he asked conversationally. She nodded, not knowing what to say exactly. Sure, she knew Quil. Everyone did. He was super friendly, but also a huge flirt when it came to the girls. Is that what he was doing? Flirting with her? She'd never had anyone flirt with her, so she had no way of knowing. No, that was impossible. Quil was normally so confident, like he was Taha Aki's gift to women. He wouldn't be so nervous if that was the case. And what was with him being sad? She hadn't seen him look sad since his father's death when they were six years old. She'd also never seen him alone before. He usually had Embry Call or-
Oh. That was it. Erin found herself looking past him across the cafeteria, her eyes zeroing in on a particularly loud, obnoxious table with four enormous, buff guys wearing T-shirts with matching tattoos on their right shoulder and the same cropped, black hair. Among them, she saw Embry Call and Jacob Black, Quil's seemingly-former best friends. Embry was laughing at something Jared Cameron said, while Jake seemed to be sulking, ironically in the same pose Erin had been sitting in before Quil showed up.
A sad sigh brought her eyes back to the boy sitting across from her. "Don't stare too long, you might go blind." he mumbled.
Erin bit her lip, not knowing what to say to him. "Sorry. I just now realized, that, well-"
"Yeah. Another friend lost to Sam Uley's cult." he mumbled, taking a spoonful of potatoes to his mouth.
She looked down awkwardly, not knowing what to say, or if she even should say something.
"Do you not have any friends?" Quil suddenly asked, lifting his head to look at her. Erin tried not to flinch at the question.
"Huh?" was her genius response.
"Well, it's just that I see you sitting by yourself all the time, so, you know, I was just wondering…" he trailed off awkwardly, seeming to realize how forward that question had been.
She blinked before looking at her tray to avoid eye contact. "Well, I don't exactly sit alone by choice."
"Why don't you sit at a table with other people?"
She looked at him incredulously. "No one wants to be the awkward loner who forces their presence onto people who'd rather not sit with them. I'd rather not."
Quil looked thoughtful for a moment before he looked back at her.
"How do you do it? I mean, what do you do for fun? Without my friends to hang out with I'm dying of boredom."
Erin felt the corners of her lips twitch up slightly at the pure child-like innocence in his voice and the question. Her almost-smile the first sign of some semblance of happiness she could remember ever being caused by another human being.
"I don't know. What do you normally do for fun?" she asked him back.
Quil looked down thoughtfully. "Well, we used to hang out in Jake garage, helping him fix up old cars and stuff. Other than that, we'd either hangout at each other's houses or the beach. But I can't really do that alone. It's not as fun. What do you do?"
"I don't know." she answered with a shrug.
"Oh come on." Quil crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, a small, playful smile pulling at his lips. "Don't you have any hobbies beside drawing pictures in food?" he asked teasingly, gesturing with one hand to her tray.
One short, quiet huff of a laugh escaped Erin's throat without thinking. "Okay, okay. Um," she looked up thoughtfully. Hobbies. What did she do that could be a hobby? 'Cutting', a voice whispered in her head, and she quickly shook that thought away. "Uh, well, I like to…listen to music." she finally answered, looking back at him.
He looked at her expectantly for a moment, and when she didn't continue he said, "And? Is that the only thing you do?"
She laughed before answering, "Well…I sometimes like to paint."
"Paint?"
"Uh huh, and…I like watching Youtube videos, and…uuuuuhh, I can't think of anything else." she finally admitted. Wow, she really sounded boring.
Quil raised both eyebrows at her. "Wow. You need to get out more."
She shrugged at him, her heart feeling a painful twinge at the comment despite the fact she knew he didn't mean any harm by it. "Like you said, there's not much fun to do alone around here."
He looked down, nodding thoughtfully.
After about a minute of quiet between them, Quil suddenly spoke up again.
"Do you want to hang out after school?"
Erin's head snapped up, her eyes wide as saucers as she stared at him. He was looking at her nervously again, and in the back of her mind she realized she didn't like Quil looking nervous, it didn't fit him; and she also noticed the hopeful spark in his eyes alongside the sadness.
"Uuuumm, I don't know." she mumbled uncertainly.
"Just as friends." he hurriedly assured her, "I figured, you know, since we both could use a friend, and you seem like you could get out more, and all the fun things I know about around here are more fun with someone else, I just figured, you know…"
Erin tried not to laugh at how flustered he seemed to be getting.
"Well…" she trailed off thoughtfully before figuring 'Why not?', "Okay."
A few hours later, Erin and Quil were on the beach walking towards the water barefooted, their shoes in their hands.
"So, now what?" she asked, looking up slightly at him. She'd been to First Beach hundreds of times, but she usually just walked around or sat in the sand by herself.
Quil looked around thoughtfully for a moment before his face lit up. "Wanna build a sandcastle?" he asked excitedly as he looked down at her, a little skip in his step as he turned his whole body to face her.
Her eyes widened for a second in surprise at how suddenly his excitement appeared. But seeing how his face lit up, she almost didn't notice the smile appearing on her own face. "How old are you?" she asked teasingly. He stuck his tongue out at her before he sat in the sand. After a moment, she joined him as he began gathering piles of damp sand in front of him, attempting to shape them into a tower. She laughed at how ridiculous his 'castle' looked, but helped him nonetheless.
As he rambled on about random topics, she found her mind wandering, but not in the bad way it normally did. She realized she rather enjoyed hanging out with Quil. He was fun and a good distraction. He barely knew her, but recognized the fact that she was just as alone as him. Some might say it was simply out of convenience, and that thought made her realize that; like Jacob, Embry, and the other guys; Quil could soon join Sam's group, despite the fact he'd mentioned to her on the walk to the beach that he was afraid of 'being next'. But from the sounds of it, Jacob and Embry didn't want to join Sam, and look where that ended.
A sliver of fear worked its way into Erin's chest, making her hands pause in where she'd been packing the sand into the side of the tower. Maybe she really was a convenience to Quil. And as soon as he joined his friends, she'd be dropped just like they did to him. The thought shouldn't have hurt her the way it did, after all she'd just officially met Quil that afternoon. She didn't even know if she considered him a friend, or if he considered her a friend. But there was just something about him…No, she didn't feel anything romantic for him. But she just felt like…home. Like she was where she belonged. She'd never felt like that before. With her mom, in classes, at recess at school;…she'd never really felt like she belonged, like she was an outsider wherever she went. But it was different with Quil somehow. She didn't feel so empty anymore. Like a small portion of the gaping space in her chest that was her soul simply clicked into place, making the hole smaller and the pain easier to bear.
So, what would happen if he did end up joining Sam? She would be left alone once again. And while that shouldn't have affected her, after all she'd been alone her whole life, it still hurt for some reason. She didn't know if she could take going back to having no friends. Or, in the very least, it would take her some time to get used to it again.
It was then that Erin realized Quil had stopped talking. When she looked up at him she realized he was glaring at the castle as he patted some sand into place. She briefly wondered it he was mad at her because she hadn't been paying attention to him, but she noticed he kept casting angry glances past her up the beach. Looking over her shoulder, she saw why.
Four tall, shirtless guys were walking out of the water, laughing and pushing each other. It looked like they'd been cliff diving judging by where they were coming from. She recognized Jacob, Embry, and Paul but Jared wasn't with them and there was an older-looking guy with them. Though he only looked a few years older than them. Since she never met him before, Erin guessed he was Sam Uley.
She noticed they were walking towards herself and Quil, probably to leave the beach, but she wasn't sure. Turning back to Quil, she noticed he was trembling and looked angry and uncomfortable.
"Quil, do you want to leave?" she asked quietly. His eyes snapped up as if he'd forgotten she was there. He swallowed thickly as the trembling slowly stopped. After a few moments he nodded. She gave him a reassuring smile and stood up, waiting for him to join her.
They grabbed their shoes and went to walk back up the beach, but of course Sam's Gang crossed their path, making the two pause so the guys could keep walking. Erin noticed all four of the guys seemed to eye her wearily, glancing almost nervously between her and Quil. She wasn't the only one to notice.
"Got a problem?" Quil demanded angrily. She looked at him in surprise. She didn't expect him to talk to them, and she'd never heard him really get mad before.
The others looked away in sync, but Paul didn't seem to get the silent memo. He smirked at Quil and stopped walking.
"Just wondering if you two were held back a few years. Building a sandcastle? Seriously? Is that your way of impressing a chick, Ateara?" he taunted. Erin's eyes burned, for some reason that comment probably stung her more than it did Quil.
"Shut up! It's none of your business!" Quil snapped, his body trembling again.
"Paul." Sam warned, grabbing Paul's shoulder and shoving him ahead of the group, probably to make sure he kept walking. The group continued walking like the confrontation didn't happen, but she noticed the younger two eyeing herself and Quil.
They all seemed to be wearing the same emotionless masks, making them all look like clones. Embry barely looked her way before continuing on ahead. Jake completely ignored Quil, but to her surprise he seemed to be looking her over. Not like he was checking her out, but like he was trying to figure something out. After his eyes seemed to rake up her body from her feet on up, he finally made it to her eyes.
He froze in place as his eyes glued themselves to hers, his stoic mask falling from his face. She felt like she was being drawn in, and for the first time in her life, that huge, gaping hole in her chest seemed to close up completely, not an ounce of pain left. She'd never felt so…relieved. But at the same time, she was confused, and Jacob seemed to be feeling the same, judging by all the emotions swirling around in his eyes.
Then, he snapped.
A colorful array of cuss words spewed from his mouth as his whole body began convulsing, as if he were having a seizure, his hands gripping his hair to the point she wondered if he was going to rip the hair from his scalp.
When he stopped swearing to take a breath, his eyes found her and she took an involuntary step back, fear sparking inside her. His eyes had taken on a golden color, like an enraged flame. She almost didn't notice that two of the guys had appeared and were each grabbing one of Jacob's arms, yelling at him to calm down and trying to drag him away.
It was then she realized he was still yelling. At her. His words barely even registered in her mind, but she knew they weren't good words.
She was suddenly shoved back, falling on her butt in the wet sand. Quil's back was to her, his knees barely bent as if he were trying to protect her.
"Don't talk to her like that! You don't know anything about her!" he screamed at Jake, both boys shaking.
That's when her life truly changed. Why? Because in the next instant, both boys exploded before her very eyes.
And in their place were two wolves.
~*0*~
Erin had passed out on the spot, no surprise there. And when she woke up, she was on a couch in an unfamiliar house with booming voices and mouthwatering smells coming from the kitchen through a large entryway. A couple seconds after she opened her eyes, she was suddenly surrounded by a few tall, shirtless guys and waves of scorching heat.
A woman's voice told the others to back off, and Erin realized she was in the room with Sam, a woman she guessed was Emily Young, Paul, Embry, and Jacob was on the far side of the room glaring at her. Sam told Embry to tell Quil and Jared she was awake, and then began his explanation of everything.
She learned about the pack, and how all their tribe's legends were true. She'd only ever heard the basics of the legends that they told in school, so Sam gave her a brief retelling of them so she'd understand. She was shocked, obviously, and a little nervous being around them for a while, but she warmed up as Sam continued. He told her how he was the first to phase because a coven of vampires called the Cullens moved to the area a couple years back, then he was followed by Jared, Paul, Embry, Jake; and lastly Quil phased for the first time on the beach.
Sam also explained in Quil's defense he hadn't met to shove her to the ground. When they go through the phase, their bodies went through changes. They grew taller, stronger, had larger appetites, and their senses heightened. Since Quil wasn't used to his new strength yet, he'd meant to gently push her behind him, not shove her to the ground. Erin responded that she was fine, and that she wasn't angry at Quil for that, to which Sam jokingly replied that Quil would be relieved to hear that.
The next part was what Erin, to this day, wished she never learned about.
Imprinting.
Sam described it as being "stronger than love at first sight". As if "gravity shifts so his imprint is the center of his world". And "every other connection in the wolf's life is severed, or made secondary to her".
As Sam described it, Erin didn't know what to think. She wasn't stupid. She could tell by the loving looks he kept casting in Emily's direction as he described it that he had imprinted on her. And partially because of that, she wasn't sure what to think of imprinting.
On the one hand, it almost sounded like forced love. Like the wolves or their imprints didn't have any choice. And Erin knew pieces of the Sam-Leah-Emily love triangle. Is that what happened? Sam dumped Leah for her cousin?
But on the other hand…Erin never had anyone love her. Heck, no one in her life had even liked her, she didn't know what it felt like to be loved, or to be in love. And Sam and Emily looked happy; well, 'happy' was probably an understatement.
As she mulled these thoughts over in her mind, a thought occurred to her. Sam had given her a brief rundown of all the other legends, why was he suddenly going into such detail over this one topic? She asked him as much, and instead of replying, he looked over his shoulder at Jacob.
Jacob met Sam's eyes with a heated glare before he looked at her. She took one look in his eyes, saw the anger, confusion, and stubbornness in his eyes, and it all clicked.
Jacob Black imprinted on her…and he didn't want her.
She played it off like she didn't care, like it didn't bother her. But she had a feeling none of the guys were buying her act.
She spent the next few weeks hanging out with the pack, both at Emily's and at school. All their classmates took notice, and rumors flew like crazy, most of them so absurd even Erin couldn't help but laugh.
Erin quickly became close with pretty much everyone in the pack. Once Quil was able to control his anger rather well, she hung out with him and Embry a lot, either at the beach or one of their houses. She also bonded quickly with Embry over the shared fact that neither had father figures growing up, and both had been viewed by their classmates as outsiders most of their lives.
Jared often helped her with her homework that she didn't understand, seeing as he was a senior and only third from the top of his class, maintaining an A average. So obviously her sophomore homework assignments were a breeze for him.
She often helped Emily out in the kitchen, seeing as how they were frequently left behind at the house while the guys patrolled or chased the redheaded vampire they'd been after for months. And since the guys were bottomless pits, cooking seemed like an efficient way to pass the time. Since her own mother never bothered with her, Erin didn't know jack squat about cooking. So, Emily was more than happy to help teach her, and Erin was surprised to find she was a quick learner.
Sam soon became a sort of older brother/father figure for her, since she'd never really had a male role model in her life. He frequently looked out for her, checked up on her, and made sure the other guys didn't trample her in their rush to get food.
Paul was a bit more complicated. He never seemed to make an effort to be friendly to her, though he wasn't hostile or anything of the kind. And he made her just a bit nervous, seeing as he was known for his short temper, and she still remembered the comment he'd made at the beach when Quil phased. However, her view of him changed one day.
Erin had made three batches of sugar cookies at Emily's for when all the guys got back after chasing the redhead again. She had a feeling they wouldn't catch her, and they were always down and disappointed when they failed, so she wanted to have something ready to cheer them up. It had, obviously. After all, they only ever thought with their stomachs it seemed. At first they thought she'd helped Emily make them, but Emily made a point to inform them that Erin had made them all on her own.
All the guys had been shocked, giving her looks showing they were impressed. For one of the first times, though it was more common since she hung out with the pack, she felt proud and accomplished for something she'd done. Of course, Jacob had to be the one to ruin it.
He had muttered something about "That explains why it tasted funny," adding something about how Bella's cookies were better. Erin barely even had time to flinch before Paul stood, grabbed Jake by the back of the neck and dragged him out of the house. The sound of ripping clothes and growling echoed from outside as everyone stood frozen. Sam had rolled his eyes before going outside, muttering about having to break up another brawl.
Erin had sat at the table, staring blankly at the wood. Jacob's comment had effected her, and she soon felt herself slipping into her 'dark pit', which was what she called the place her mind went on a bad day; where she often thought about the pocket knife she kept hidden. Her chest felt like it was tearing open again. She noticed that when Jacob said or did things that hurt her, she felt like her chest was being ripped open more than it had before. But she also noticed that when the rest of the pack was around, trying to cheer her up, or simply being themselves, it felt like the hole in her chest was healing. But it never healed completely. Only Jacob had the ability to do that.
After a while Paul had come back in the house, saying something about 'Sam making Jake go for a run'. When she looked up, she was shocked to see Paul was covered in blood, with large scars trailing down his ribs and around his neck, yellowish bruises around his eye and nose.
Her examining brought her eyes to his, and for the first time she noticed they didn't have the same cold glint they'd had before. When they looked at her, they almost looked warm, not really friendly, but…protective. Paul offered her a small smile, and she returned it with one of her own, realizing he'd stuck up for her. Defended her, against the one who was supposed to be her 'other half'.
She wasn't stupid. She knew Jacob didn't want her. At first she didn't completely understand the situation, but after hanging out with the pack for about a week, Emily and Embry filled her in on the whole 'Bella' situation. How Bella Swan had dated a Cullen and went into a depression when the vampire left her in the woods. Jacob had brought her out of the depression, and fell in love with her. But she told him she didn't love him, and then when Jacob phased Sam told him he had to stay away from her to protect her. Jacob had wanted to imprint on Bella, so when he imprinted on Erin, he knew it would never happen. In a way, Erin understood. He loved Bella, of course he would want to fight the imprint to be with her. And she didn't want to be in the way of that. But at the same time, it hurt. And he didn't make it any easier.
There were times when she'd catch him watching her, either cooking or at school or something. And the look in his eyes always seemed to make warmth flood her body. It was like he was trying to figure her out, but at the same time, there was a shadow of the look Sam gave Emily all the time. She loved it, craved it, even. But then he'd realize what he was doing and glare at her.
If only that was where it ended.
A few weeks after she'd first joined the group, her and Emily had been cooking, no surprise, while the pack went to Jacob's house to get him. He was supposed to meet at Emily's for a meeting, but he didn't show. About twenty minutes after the guys left, Erin was mixing a second batch of muffin batter when she became aware of a rumbling truck engine approaching the house. When it stopped she heard the familiar howling sound the guys often made in their human form to let them know they were back.
She smiled when Jared and Quil entered the kitchen, heading to the table as Emily pulled a pan of muffins out of the oven to put on a plate. Quil tried to return the smile, but it seemed more like a grimace. When she gave him a confused look as he sat down, he silently glanced past her to the door. When she looked back, she saw Embry enter the house with a very pale teenage girl with thick, brown hair.
"Who's this?" Emily asked in a friendly way. Erin tried not to get angry when the girl looked away uncomfortably at the sight of Emily's scars. She went back to mixing the batter to distract herself.
"Bella Swan, who else?" Jared answered, casting a nervous glance at Erin.
Erin froze, her hand pausing as her whole body went stiff.
Emily continued to be friendly to Bella as she rested a hand on Erin's shoulder. To the others the touch looked like she was scooting Erin over so she could put the plate of muffins on the table, but Erin felt the reassuring squeeze she offered; which gave her just enough strength to continue stirring.
She tried to ignore the paleface, the girl who held the heart of the boy who was forever tied to her. She felt her heart tug painfully as her eyes burned. She knew what this meant. Now that Bella was in the know about the pack and everything, there was nothing standing in the way of Jacob and Bella being together. Nothing, except Erin; and Jacob had had no problems walking over her in the past.
She didn't realize she was still stirring the batter until Emily rested her hand on her shoulder again, whispering that it was ready to put in the muffin tin. So, she distractedly helped Emily plop the mix into the muffin liners in the pan. Maybe it was the paranoid part of her, but she felt as if Bella Swan were staring at her, even as the guys conversed with her.
The sound of laughter and the swelling feeling in her chest brought her eyes to the door, which Emily left open to let the fresh air in. Sam entered first, heading straight to Emily, of course ruffling Erin's hair as he passed to kiss his imprint. The action normally would've made Erin laugh, but she simply kept her eyes on the door as Paul and Jacob came in, laughing and shoving each other. Paul went to the table, but Erin kept her eyes fixed on Jacob. He met Bella's eyes before motioning for her to follow him. She did without hesitation, and the two walked away.
He didn't even spare Erin a glance.
~*0*~
Watching them walk away, Erin felt like claws were ripping through her chest, leaving her to bleed out. She heard voices say her name, felt a hand on her shoulder; but she couldn't respond. Her throat was tightening, her eyes stinging, and her hand was itching to reach into her jean pocket. Where her pocket knife was.
Finally, she pushed past everyone, ignoring their pleas and calls as she hurried up the stairs to the bathroom, where she locked the door and leaned against her hands on the sink.
In the past few weeks of Jacob ignoring her, insulting her, hurting her; she'd never felt this much pain before. It was like someone was stabbing a serrated blade in and out of her chest repeatedly. She needed an outlet for the pain.
She needed to cut.
She didn't even think about it, but the next thing she knew a stinging in her wrist brought her eyes down to where she'd sliced the blade across her skin, blood pooling around the thin cut.
She did it a few more times, until she felt like her arm was burning from the stings. In the back of her mind she heard someone knocking on the door, calling her name and telling her to open the door.
She cut one more time, before the knocking became frantic pounding; a loud, panicky voice demanding she open the door. She simply stared down at her bloody arm, her vision going blurry as a drop of salty water fell from her face onto one of the new cuts, causing a little extra sting. She hadn't been at this point in about three weeks. Hadn't cut herself once…since she met the pack. She'd been tempted, but she hadn't done it.
She didn't even jump when the bathroom door burst open, splinters of woods flying as heat filled the small bathroom. Chaos ensued, and she didn't know what was happening. Someone took the knife, a hand scorched her wrist even though the grip was gentle. Sam yelled something about Quil needing to get out.
After about ten minutes, the bleeding stopped and her wrist was bandaged. Now, she was sitting on the couch with Emily sitting beside her holding her hand, Quil was still gone since he lost control of his anger, Paul standing in the corner with his arms crossed, Jared sitting in the recliner, Embry standing by the door, and Sam knelt in front of her.
Finally, they forced the truth out of her. How long and why she'd been cutting herself. She was ordered to never do it again, and even though no one said it, she knew she would be kept under constant supervision from then on, which she was.
~*0*~
When Jacob and Bella returned, Embry had pulled Jacob aside to inform him of what went on while he was gone. To Erin's surprise, Jacob approached her in the living room immediately. Emily had banned her from the kitchen for the day to 'take it easy', but Erin had a suspicion it was more to keep her away from all the kitchen knives. Jacob entered the room, surprisingly without Bella, who Erin could hear in the kitchen. He looked at Quil, who had returned and was keeping her company watching TV. They seemed to communicate silently for a moment before Quil nodded and went into the kitchen to leave them alone. Jacob took Quil's vacated seat next to her on the couch.
~*0*~
"So, you want to tell me what's going on?" he asked after several moments of awkward silence.
"Not really." she answered, her voice an emotionless drone.
"Why not?"
"One, Embry already filled you in; and two, I don't want to."
"Why don't you want to?"
Erin turned and stared into his eyes. She could tell he was searching hers, trying to pinpoint what she was thinking and feeling.
"Why would I want to?" she asked simply. He looked down at his feet, as if thinking about what to say in response.
"Embry said you're depressed because of your home life and because you've never really had any friends growing up." He didn't say it mockingly, or cruelly in any way. He said it…searchingly. As if trying to gage her own reaction, to see if he were correct. "And that because of your depression, you started cutting yourself a couple years back."
"If you seem to know my whole life story, what do you want me to say?" she asked sarcastically, leaning back on the couch with her arms crossed, staring straight ahead in hopes of Jacob not knowing how he was affecting her.
"I'm trying, here, Erin." he said pleadingly.
"What, for three seconds?" she retorted before she could stop herself. When he looked over at her with wide eyes, she swept on, "Everyone else in the pack has been 'trying' for almost a month now. And the answer they got earlier was just a basic rundown of my life story, that's more than anyone's ever gotten in my entire life. And you think that trying for one minute is going to make me let you in my head? Let you hear all my thoughts, feelings, and secrets?" she ranted, staring angrily into his eyes as she spoke, "Think again."
They stared silently at each other for about a minute, her nostrils flaring as she nearly panted for breath. As she stared, Erin saw something change in Jacob's eyes. It was small, but then his whole expression, his whole posture seemed to change.
"What if I tried harder?" his voice was hoarse, raspy as he spoke. "I know I've been the crappiest imprint in history to you, hell, I've been the crappiest person to you. And I'm so, so sorry for everything, Erin. You didn't deserve to get dragged into all this supernatural bull-crap, and-"
"'All this supernatural bull-crap' is the best thing that's ever happened to me." she whispered, then she looked him over before adding, "Well, most of it, anyway."
Jacob winced. "I deserved that." he mumbled, "I wish I hadn't imprinted on you, not because of you personally. More than anything, I hate that you have to be in pain."
"You love Bella, and hate me. I get it, Jacob, you don't have to sugar-coat it-"
"I never said I hated you." he argued.
"Either way, you don't want me." she pointed out, speaking slowly to make her point. She watched as Jacob leaned his elbows on his knees, thinking her words over.
"Maybe not romantically…" he admitted quietly after a while, "but, if I'm being honest…being in the guys' heads all the time…they've got nothing but great things to say about you." he looked up at her, still hunched over, "And, if you'll let me, I'd like to have the chance to find that stuff out for myself."
Erin looked him over suspiciously. "What are you saying?"
A small grin tugged at the corners of his mouth, and Erin realized she'd never really seen him smile, at least not at her.
"I'm saying that if you'd give me a chance, I'd like to be your friend."
Her jaw went slack and her eyes widened as she stared at him, gauging his sincerity. She couldn't see anything that suggested he was faking or making it up. Thinking over her response, she answered, "If you want to be my friend, you've got a lot of work to do to make up for being a total prick to me the past few weeks. Trust is something that is easily broken, especially for me, and I don't trust you in the slightest. It's going to take quite a while for me to consider you a friend. I'm willing to keep an open mind, but that's pretty much all I can do, since I don't really think you have what it takes after everything you've said and done. So…good luck, I guess." she finally ended with a shrug.
Jacob nodded thoughtfully before he looked at her, a smile once again appearing on his face. "Okay, I'll do what I can to be a better friend to you, and in return you aren't going to cut yourself anymore."
It wasn't a question, or even a deal, really. He was basically ordering her not to cut herself again.
"Okay, Jacob, I won't cut myself as long as you don't give me a reason to."
His smile barely dropped a smudge at her comment, she was basically announcing he was the reason behind her little 'episode' earlier. He nodded in agreement and went to stand up. He looked like he was going to leave, but he paused and turned back to her.
"Oh, and you can call me Jake. I prefer when my friends call me Jake." he said with a smile, his tone completely nonchalant before he left the room.
Leaving Erin with a smile on her burning face.
~*0*~
So, their relationship progressed slowly for a few more weeks. While he was nicer to her, talked to her more, and definitely made an effort to check in on her and everything, he didn't really hang out with her more than before. He spent a majority of his free time with Bella, and unfortunately she spent a lot of her free time at Emily's. So, Erin had no choice but to hang around Bella Swan, and she found that, all Jake-related issues aside, she still didn't like Bella.
It didn't really have that much to do with the fact that she was a vampire-lover, or that Jake obviously loved her, it had a tiny bit to do with the fact that she was the reason the pack was having issues with the redhead, but more than anything, it was just her as a person.
She was selfish, everything had to be about her, despite that she said she didn't like being the center of attention. Yeah bull crap on that. Then, while all the guys were away patrolling or chasing the redhead; oh sorry, while Jake was away patrolling or chasing the redhead, Bella would simply sit by the window waiting for him, whining and asking when he'd be back while Emily and Erin slaved away in the kitchen. And whenever Bella actually did step in and help out in the kitchen, she'd either get in the way, shove Erin around, or criticize the other girls' cooking. Every time Bella said something negative about Erin's cooking, Erin always had to stop herself from pointing out that Bella had been cooking most of her life, while Erin had started learning less than a month prior.
Unlike Erin, Bella wanted really nothing to do with the pack, just Jake. She didn't put in the effort to get to know everyone else. She just sat there uncomfortably whenever the other guys were around, not getting their sense of humor and often getting offended whenever they made a vampire joke. She even got offended when they made comments about the redhead, often correcting them that 'her name's Victoria, not the redhead'. Like the pack was supposed to care what her name was when they're trying to kill her?
So, yeah, Erin didn't exactly like Bella, but she never said anything about it to Jake. After all, he was finally being her friend and not treating her like she was a disease. She wasn't going to do anything that would upset him.
However, during times that Bella wasn't around, like when they were at school or something, Jake was actually fun to be around, and Erin found that she liked spending time with him. She found that whenever he was around, whenever he was smiling that huge smile at her, or laughing the way that he did, her whole day brightened. She found that she never went to her 'dark pit'. She never thought about her pocket knife. She just felt happier and healthier overall. She also noticed the rest of the guys didn't shoot worried looks at her anymore, they didn't walk on eggshells around her like she knew they did before. They weren't worried about setting her off as much anymore. They just laughed along with her.
But Erin should have seen it coming. After all, she wasn't good enough to deserve happiness. That's what her mom always used to say. It was simply the calm before the storm. Like all good things, it had to come to an end eventually.
And the storm that hit? It started out like any other day. She was sitting at the kitchen table with Jake, Quil, and Bella. She was peeling apples for Emily while the other imprint prepped pie tins for apple pies. Quil was eating his lunch, having just come in from his patrol. Bella and Jake were talking about some plan for him to take her cliff diving soon. Paul and Sam were in the living room watching something on TV, and Embry and Jared were out on patrol. Just like any other day.
Then the calmness of the day was shattered by a howl ripping through the sky so loud even Erin and Emily jumped in fright. The guys all looked at each other in worried confusion as they stood up. Jake ruffled Erin's hair as he hurried past and Sam kissed Emily before he left out the back door. Erin was aware of Bella trying to get Jake to tell her what was going on, but then the phone rang. She saw Emily wipe her hands off before answering.
That's when they figured out what was going on.
Sue Clearwater was in frantic tears on the phone as she told Emily that her daughter Leah had phased during an argument with her father, causing Harry to have a heart attack and her 14 year old brother Seth to phase as well. Emily left to meet Sue at the hospital while Erin offered to clean everything up for her and wait for the guys to get back to fill them in. Only after Emily left did Erin realize Bella was no longer in the house, but that was the farthest thing from her mind.
It turned into one of the longest days of Erin's life, but long story short; Bella had left to go cliff diving alone since Jake wasn't around to take her. And why wasn't Jake around to take her? Because he was with his pack trying to help their two newest members, and then the redhead showed up so the pack had to split up to deal with her, too. Then, Jake had to go rescue Bella because she jumped in the ocean only a few cliff faces away from where the redhead jumped into the ocean. Erin stayed at Emily's house, making a few simple meals while the pack filtered in and out while they filled her in on what was going on. Then Jake came over, ranting frantically to her about how Bella left him to go rescue her bloodsucker in Italy even after everything that he'd done to her. While she listened to him rant, Erin felt like her chest was tearing open all over again. Part of that was because she felt bad that Jake had to be in so much pain because the girl he loved left him. But mostly it was because, while they had agreed to only be friends, it killed Erin that Jake was ranting to her about the girl he loved, when the girl who loved and needed him most was standing there listening to him. And he didn't even realize it.
In the few days that followed, Erin practically lived at Sam and Emily's, helping everyone in any way she could. Emily tried to help cook, but she was so shaken up at loosing her uncle that Erin just shooed her into the living room to sit with Sam, who was more than willing to hold her together. Some of the guys even tried to help her where they could, doing dishes or cutting vegetable. Everyone came together like a family should in times like this. Whether they were helping Sue plan her husband's funeral, staying with Seth and Leah, patrolling, or just chilling at Sam and Emily's house.
Everyone except Jake. When he wasn't running his scheduled patrol, or 'babysitting' the Clearwater siblings, he was AWOL, probably calling or visiting the Swan house, checking if his precious Bella was home yet.
Erin tried not to think about Jake. She tried to distract herself by pouring herself into cooking and cleaning, like Emily always did. But without Jake around smiling at her, and the guys too busy and sad to distract her, she soon found herself slipping into her 'dark pit'. And then, after about five days, Erin reached her tipping point. Just a few simple words tore Erin apart more than she ever thought anything could.
~*0*~
Erin slipped the spatula under the hamburger patty, lifting it off the frying pan and onto the plate that was already piled high with hamburgers, the counter space surrounding her covered in plates of sliced tomatoes, lettuce, pickles, cheese slices, buns, ketchup, mustard, and bags of potato chips for the guys to make their own lunch. Feeling like that was enough for now, Erin turned off the burner and set the spatula on the counter beside the stove.
Paul, Seth, and Jared had left a few minutes ago, Jared to switch out with Jake and the other two to patrol. Seth had phased back after about the third day of being a wolf, while Leah was still struggling with it. So, Jake was with her now, probably doing more harm than good, until Jared took his place. Sam had taken Emily grocery shopping, probably more to distract her and get her out of the house than anything, but they did need more food. Embry and Quil would be swapping out of their patrol shift with Paul and Seth in a bit.
Hearing voices, Erin stepped up to the kitchen window, looking into the backyard to see who was coming. Jake was walking toward the house, looking pissed off about something, and to Erin's surprise, Jared ran out of the forest after him, grabbing his arm and jerking him back. It looked like Jared was talking to him, and he looked just as mad as Jake. Curious and worried, Erin pushed the kitchen window open just a crack and leaned closer to listen to what they were saying.
"This doesn't concern you, Jared. Back off." Jake's voice growled.
"Like hell it doesn't, Jake. If you ask me, the rest of us care about her more than you ever will." Jared snarled back. Erin blinked, realizing she'd never heard Jared growl before. He was always the calm, level-headed one.
"Shove off, Cameron." Jake snarled, throwing Jared's arm off him. "You don't know a damn thing about it. You don't know what it's like having your choice taken away from you."
"So that's it, huh? You don't really care about her or being her friend, you're just trying to appease the imprint, is that it?"
Jake growled a low warning growl that Jared didn't listen to.
"Why can't you just wake up, Jake? Why can't you realize what the rest of us already know? Bella never loved you! She was using you as a crutch! But there's a girl in there that actually does care about you!" he shouted, pointing at the house, "For whatever reason, she cares about you, and she's hurting. We can all see it. She's hurting and she's broken a hundred times worse than Bella ever was. Why can't you get your head out of your ass and see that for yourself?"
"The imprint is being whatever she needs me to be. And she needs me to be her friend." Jake snarled defensively.
"See, that's where you're wrong. Have you not seen everything that's been going on the past couple months? She's got plenty of friends now. She's got every single one of us as friends, brothers even. And deep down, I know that you know that there's something she needs more than friendship, Jake."
"And what's that, wise and mighty Beta?" Jake asked sarcastically.
"Have you not seen how she looks at Sam and Emily? I don't even think she realizes it, but whenever Sam and Emily are being all cuddly and doing things couples do, Erin always watches them with this sad little smile on her face, and she looks like she breaks just a little every time she sees them like that. Then she'll look over at you and that smile will vanish. Don't you get it? She wants that. She may or may not realize it, but she does. She wants to be loved, Jake. She's never had that. And that's not something the rest of us can give her, only you can."
Erin looked down as she listened to Jared talk. She never even realized she did that, but now that she thought about it, she realized Jared was right.
"Yeah, well she's never told me that. So how am I supposed to do anything when she doesn't tell me what she wants?" Jake demanded angrily, crossing his arm.
"Some things shouldn't need to be said." Jared pointed out bitterly.
"Well, that's too bad for her, then, isn't it? Because I don't love her, Jared, I love Bella. And that's never going to change."
Erin's head snapped up, tears shining in her eyes as she stared at Jake's back. Her knees buckled and she leaned her elbows on the counter to stay standing up, feeling like claws were stabbing their way into her chest, slowly tearing her heart out of her body, crushing it in the process. Out of all the pain she'd ever felt in her life, nothing came close to this. She just wanted to die to make it end.
Fumbling around, she found a notepad and pen, writing two quick notes, one to tell the guys to dig in; and another to tell Emily that she forgot she had an English essay that she needed to finish at home; and that she was sorry about the mess.
Seeing Jake heading toward the house, Erin grabbed her bag and practically ran out the front door to get away from the house as fast as possible.
~*0*~
The next day, she'd texted Sam telling him she didn't feel well and needed to stay home and rest. He responded by letting her know it was fine, and that everyone hoped she felt better. He didn't say it, but she knew he would tell the guys to incorporate her house in the patrol loop. A couple of the guys had come to the realization that when she was in her 'dark pit' she often said she didn't feel well. So they probably were worried that she would cut herself. But she couldn't think of anything else to say or do to avoid Jake without it being obvious or causing suspicions. And she couldn't bring herself to be near him.
After being around the pack constantly for so long, she knew the patrol schedule like the back of her hand. While the pairs often changed, the times tended to stay the same. So a few minutes before she knew one pair was switching out for another, Erin grabbed her I-pod and threw on her sweatshirt before leaving her house and going up to the cliffs.
And that was how she'd ended up sitting at the cliffs edge, crying silently as she listened to the song Why Don't you Love me? by Hot Chelle Rae and Demi Lovato.
She had told Jake a couple weeks ago that all the supernatural bull crap was the best thing that'd ever happened to her, and she wasn't lying. The pack and Emily were everything she'd imagined a family being. And while part of her believed they were worth all the pain, another part of her just wanted all the pain Jacob Black was causing her to end. In any way she could. The pain of Jake rejecting her the way he had to Jared the day before, it was slowly killing her, tearing her apart at the seams, and she couldn't take it anymore.
The pain of him hating her was nothing. Watching him with Bella was like a walk in the park. Letting him vent to her about the pain Bella caused him was fine. But for him to act like her friend, to pretend that he cared about her, to string her along, and then to blatantly shout at his friend behind her back that he didn't care about her and never would…It would've been less painful for him to stab her through the chest with an actual knife.
And she couldn't take it anymore. Forget her 'dark pit', this was her all-time low. This was an abyss that she didn't think she could ever escape.
Part of her argued that the rest of the pack cared about her. They had welcomed her in when Jake wanted nothing to do with her, they had become her friends, her family.
Part of her argued that Emily needed her. She'd already lost an uncle this week, and had to watch her cousins join the pack. That losing Erin would kill her.
Part of her argued that she was no better than Bella if she did this. She would be hurting the others, causing them more trouble and pain just to help herself. That she was selfish for even considering doing this now that there were people who actually cared about her.
But the sad part is that she didn't care. All those thoughts were in the back of her mind. She couldn't see any other solution. Cutting wasn't enough to make the pain go away anymore. And she desperately needed the pain to go away.
So, she pulled the ear buds out of her ears, unplugged them from her I-pod, and pulled her sweatshirt over her head. She didn't even feel the sting of the icy wind hit her arms. She pulled the small note out of her back jean pocket, reading it over.
I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted, Jake. I'm sorry I was such a burden.
Now you don't have to deal with me anymore.
Erin
Short, sweet, and easy to understand. Erin pulled the hair elastic from her wrist, putting it around her I-pod to hold the note to the back of it while the small device continued to play the same song on replay. She bundled her sweatshirt up and placed the I-pod in the center of it. She had already wasted time. She needed to hurry unless she wanted one of the wolves to stop her. They'd probably realize she wasn't home and follow her scent to find her.
Standing up, she peaked over the cliff's edge. Instead of the crashing waves below, there was nothing to cushion her fall except jagged rocks. It probably seemed dramatic, but there were too many holes in any plans that involved sleeping pills, ropes, and knives, and she didn't have a gun. This way, once she was airborne, no one could save her.
She didn't hear the frantic rustling, or the rushed footsteps, or the voice yelling her name. She simply lifted one foot to step over the edge.
A thick, muscled arm wrapped around her waist, jerking her away from the edge and causing her to cry out in dismay. Realizing what was happening, Erin started thrashing, her feet kicking out as her 'rescuer' lifted her off the ground.
"No!" she screamed, tears coming more frequently, "No please! Please let me go! I can't take it anymore! I just want to die!"
The guy holding her turned her into his chest and held her as she fell into him, sobbing loudly as warm breath brushed her ear as he hushed her.
"I've got you. I got you." her hands clutched at him and her nails dug into the skin of his back, but he didn't say anything.
"Quil please." she pleaded, her voice weak and scratchy from screaming and crying, "Please, I can't take it anymore. He doesn't want me, I heard him say it. Please just let me go."
She felt the grass brush her legs as Quil sat down, pulling her sideways in his lap as he held her, letting her cry on his bare chest. She felt him shake his head against her hair, his lips brushing her forehead.
"Not happening." he murmured against her skin, "I'm not letting you go, Erin. Never."
That just made her sob more, burying her face into his chest.
Quil held her tightly to him, sheltering her from the crisp air as he rocked her, humming in her ear. He could hear music and looked over to see her I-pod on. He'd never heard the song before, but after listening to it, he barely kept the snarl from erupting from his chest. He should kill Jake for this. For driving her to this point. The whole pack knew what Jake had said to Jared in the backyard the day before. And they were all pissed at him. And apparently Erin had heard him, too.
He glanced into the trees behind him, seeing the dark silver fur of Paul watching. Paul met Quil's eyes before he looked back down at the tiny girl crying in his arms, then he looked over at the I-pod, listening to the song. His lips pulled back into a snarl.
Him and Quil had been patrolling and ran by Erin's house to make sure she was okay, only to find she was gone. So they followed her scent up to the cliff and found her getting ready to jump. Over Jacob freaking Black.
Paul met Quil's eyes again, with one thought. "Enough is enough." Paul wasn't going to sit by and watch this happen.
He turned around and raced back the way they'd come, planning on ripping Jacob a new one.
XXX
This was supposed to be a short story. I came up with this idea when I was listening to the song Why Don't you Love me? by Hot Chelle Rae and Demi Lovato, and it was only supposed to be just have the stuff from the very beginning and the end, with Erin at the cliff, but then I started adding the whole background story, and next thing I know, it's like 18 pages! But, overall, I like how it turned out, despite it being really sad. Let me know what you think, and if you didn't like it, that's not really my problem, because I like how it turned out. I may or may not add on to it to show what Paul's going to do to Jake, but as of right now, this story is complete.