Casey remembers Olivia outside the door of her office. She remembers the way Olivia's face was sunken, aged, a crease around her eyes and a heaviness to her brow. She remembers Olivia's voice asking her out to get a drink, barely audible and forced, as if she had no energy to talk at all.
She remembers all of this because Olivia had been sad, and while Olivia was many things, she was rarely sad. Sadness was heavier than anything on the woman, and Casey wondered if she herself could bear the sadness she saw in the mahogany eyes, because an angry Olivia was one thing, a frustrated Olivia, compassion, exhaustion, all those things were tolerable. But Olivia looking as if she no longer had hope in her to stand, let alone whisper, that was another matter completely.
They went to an old bar within walking distance, one with cork floors and foggy air filled with smoke, and Olivia had whiskey on ice while Casey had a cognac.
"Right before Alex died, she said it wasn't worth it"
"Liv…"
Olivia shook her head, "Said there would always be another victim"
"there will be"
"fucked up kind of job security"
"yeah. Yeah it is,"
Casey thought Olivia might put her head down on the bar and sleep right there in some desperate wish never to wake up again, but she never did, just turned her eyes to Casey and whispered,
"It's never enough"
"Is that what Alex said?"
Olivia nodded, her eyes turned towards a scratch on the bar,
"Is that what you honestly believe?"
"I don't know Casey" Olivia swirled the alcohol around in her mouth and swallowed, gave a short laugh,
"My mother used to drink this all the time," she stood to leave, "thanks Casey, I'm sorry, I'm just not that much fun right now."
Under normal circumstances, Casey would have let Olivia walk out of a bar, no problems, but tonight, something made her grab the tan wrist and hold on.
"You're not okay right now"
"I'm fine"
"Olivia, my apartment is two blocks away. You look like hell, I know you feel like it. Humor me."
A detective too far gone to care is a rare and unfortunate sight, but Casey did her best to ignore the sagging shoulders and defeated eyes as she led the woman back to her place. After four flights of stairs and a long hallway, Olivia looked as if she might not make it through the door. Her face was void of expression, her eyes blank, hands unusually still. Casey led her to a chair, and Olivia watched as she pulled out the hide a bed and lay sheets and pillows on it.
"Sleep"
"Casey?"
At the end of a minute it was Elliot, or rather, Elliot's words, that led her to take Olivia to her own room, and lay with her arms around the trembling woman until she fell asleep. It couldn't have been long after she transferred to SVU, and after a particularly hard case, she had brought Olivia a cup of coffee and a bottle of bath bubbles. Olivia had looked utterly confused, and while Casey had been thanked graciously, she felt something was missing. Elliot must have sensed Casey's bewilderment, because he pulled her aside and whispered,
"People don't do things for her. She barely knew how to accept a cup of coffee when she started here, let alone a gift. Funny, she would give her soul to make sure I got home to my kids or Cragen didn't miss AA"
Looking at Olivia looking completely lost in her living room was the last straw.