Author's note: This is a collaborative effort between MorganNK and myself stemming from a long email conversation about how Tommy viewed love. The first part from Barbara's POV is MorganaNK's and Tommy's view is mine. It first appeared on Archive of Our Own a few days ago.
Tommy pressed a tender kiss to my bare shoulder. His voice, barely a whisper, "don't ever leave me, Barbara," as he settled down behind me, his arm around my waist, his hand splayed on my stomach.
I listened as his breathing evened out to peaceful sleep, and my heart broke for him. It had been the same routine every night since we had become a couple. When we made love, he would look at me, an expression of disbelief and wonder across his handsome face, as if he expected me to disappear at any moment, and it didn't matter how many times I reassured him.
In some ways, I understood. Tommy had always made the mistake of confusing love with ownership, a result of his childhood, which had damaged him badly. He had lost his father to cancer; then his family due to his mother's affair with Dr Trenarrow and his subsequent rage at finding them together.
After that he became so scared of being alone that he clung on to people until he suffocated them, before retreating in confusion, not understanding what he had done wrong. He lost Deborah to his best friend Simon. Then there was the complete mess that had been his relationship with Helen.
He saw me as his possession too; turning up at Balford le Nez when I was working with DCI Barlow, bringing me in to work with him when I was demoted, standing up for me when others put me down. He hated it when I spent time with Azhar, was angry when he thought I was dating, and if I had a social engagement that didn't include him he would pry. At times he reminded me of the seagulls in Finding Nemo, and if he could have stamped my forehead with the words 'property of Thomas Lynley – hands off!' then I am sure that he would.
Tommy muttered in his sleep, his grip on me tightening. I placed my hand on his, stroking it, and he calmed.
I hoped, that with time, he would realise that I wasn't going anywhere. I had been attracted to him from the first time we met, and had fallen in love with him not long after. We were both bad at love, but with each other we had found something special, something right; something that worked. All he needed to do was trust.
Every time we made love, I was frightened.
Barbara was different to every other woman. She was spontaneous and free. Her eyes never clouded over with other thoughts. Her hands never traced a routine pattern over my body. Every time was different and wonderful. She hungered for me. Every part of her opened to me; pulling me into her mind, her body and her soul. Feeling her love fill me was the only time I felt complete.
I kissed her shoulder. "Don't ever leave me, Barbara." I pulled her against me as we settled back on the bed.
She always reassured me. Promised that she'd always be there. I believed her. She meant it now, but would she always mean it? I didn't trust love. It's capriciousness had fooled me before. With Deborah. With Helen. Even with my mother. It felt different with Barbara, but was it? Would I wake one day to be told I loved too hard, that I stifled her being? I tightened my grip, trying to hang on to her. My sergeant, my partner, my life. She stroked my hand gently, as she always did.
"I'm not leaving you, Tommy. Ever." Barbara rolled to face me and caressed my face. Our eyes locked and, as always, I saw the truth. She loved me. She loved me as much as I loved her. "You need to trust me, my love."
"I do. I just... get scared."
"I know. I used to be too."
"But I could never leave you. We've proved that over the years."
"Everyone I loved left me; Terry, and my parents. I pushed everyone else away so that I couldn't love, couldn't be hurt again. You got through my defences. I hated everything you stood for, but I adored you. You were always there, putting up with my tantrums. If you could never leave me, why do you think I could ever leave you?"
I frowned. "But..."
"Tommy, you try so hard to hold on to people that you suffocate them. You try to possess them, own them, bend them to your will. You want them to love you the way you imagine love to be."
"I can't bend you to my will."
"Which is why I can love you the way you need - the way we both need. I'll never leave you, Tommy."
I nodded. Her eyes never lied. I believed her. Not intellectually as I had before, but in my heart. I kissed her then whispered, "I need you now."