Cold Touches

"So what did you do?"

"Oh, you know...an arm-bar."

Asami snorted into her drink, coughing out her laughter

"Korra you can't just put Wu in an arm-bar, he's still the King!"

"So? He was being a weird jerk," The Avatar waved with a fork, mouth half-full with the last of the meal, "Weird jerks get put in arm-bars. Only reason I didn't go and put Raiko in a full nelson was because he agreed to give Kuvira a fair...uh..."

Asami smiled, reaching out across the table to give Korra's hand a reassuring squeeze.

"It's okay Korra, you don't have to hold back talking about it on my account."

"But..." The Avatar fiddled nervously with the tablecloth, "Your father..."

"I know. But...that doesn't mean what I think you're doing for her is wrong. What happened..." She hesitates, waiting for the words to emerge by themselves, "...What happened to my dad isn't the only thing that happened. Everything needs to be heard out."

Korra turned her hand over, cupping Asami's in hers for a short, silent moment.

"...Well! Enough of that," Asami laughed, squeezing gently once before standing to grab the plates, "So, what did you think of the meal?"

"Uh, good! Exactly enough, actually; I'm surprised- most people end up serving too much, 'cept back in the South."

Asami smiled over the candles, setting everything on the side as she made her way back around, grazing fingers against the cloth to Korra's side.

"Well I like to think I've gotten to know your...proper proportions," The heiress grinned, leaning over to indulge herself with a brush through Korra's hair, "Still have room for dessert?"

"What, um, "Korra blushed, failing to keep her eyes from looking down the woman's dress, "What are we having?"

Slowly, Asami glided her fingers from brown hair to brown skin, tilting her chin up to look at her.

"Mmm, I wonder..." She half answers, soft red lips catching those of the girl beneath her, watching with satisfaction as blue eyes hazed closed and returned it in full, strong hands sliding the taller girl more fully onto her lap.

There was still a touch of spice on the tongue from the meal that Asami took her time sucking off, leaning more fully into the kiss. It was nice. Perfect. Just as they should be.

It wasn't until the very end of their vacation she'd started to notice there was a problem.

Greedily, she brought her left hand up to run and tug through Korra's hair, cradling her head possessively, taking its weight as she leaned further in.

It was nothing major, really. Nothing big. Just a slight...tension. A hitch in Korra's breath that she barely caught between kisses.

At first Asami thought it stemmed from the newness of...whatever it was they were now. It was understandable; it's not like Asami didn't have nerves about it either, and even when they were in the spirit world it was more of a struggle than she thought it would be to act on her feelings. She could guess at how Korra felt about her own timid advances before they went in, but actually converting that into a confession, into reciprocation and exploration, took most of the first week; she'd invested so much into the idea of it over the years that she was scared of the reality. But once that had passed, the rest had gone as fast as Asami's own sense of propriety had let her, a peck, a kiss, a rush of soft touches...

But as she got bolder, things she began to catch on to things that gave her pause. How sometimes Korra would shirk from another deep kiss for a gentler one on her cheek. How little the Avatar's hands dared to chance themselves when exploring her skin. How strongly she'd stare but how weakly she'd claim.

It was a strange crest Asami had learned to ride...but now that they were back in the City the heiress was intent on pushing through all of those honeymoon blushes. Slowness she didn't mind, she was patient enough to wait years for even the chance of something like this to happen...but now that the chance had finally arrived, she wanted to seize it. Make sure it wasn't a dream.

So, she did as all good engineers do. Plan. A lovely dinner in, candles, light music, a sheer dress that made the Water Tribe girl's jaw drop, a little drink just to warm the atmosphere...she made no illusions about her intentions.

In the end, the dress probably would have been enough.

Korra moaned up into her girlfriend's mouth, one hand finding the slit to her skirt and pushing under, travelling along the outside of a thigh, consuming herself in deep, long kisses that trailed electricity over her mind, the girl atop her pressing in for more, searching, as strong, brown hands made their way up her back and around to her side, hiking her dress up...

Then, suddenly. There. A soft tension in the Avatar's lips, pushing against her, hands frozen against Asami's hips.

But she wasn't going to let it go so easily this time.

Asami pressed on, licking and nipping a trail down the Avatar's neck, feeling the pulse beneath her lips quicken, fingers tighten on her as she deftly undid the top clasp of Korra's collar, folding open more brown skin for her to taste. A hungry, reverent kiss on the collarbone that softened the girl beneath her just enough to-

"N-NO!"

The push was explosive and sudden enough to send Asami's back slamming right into the edge of the table before she could react, a sharp cry guttering from her throat as she hit the floor, a hand already pressing against the injury.

"Agh, Korra what was that?!" She snapped, pain cutting through niceities, trying to raise her head to stare knives at the girl before, instantly, softening.

The woman had leapt up from her seat at the same time and was visibly sweating, and though now she was looking with horror at her own actions, Asami could see there was more behind that look and those sharp, quick breaths.

"Oh geez sorry! Sorry- look I'll-" She burbled an explanation, shakily bending some of the ice used to keep the wine cool on the table into a healing bubble, crouching down to help.

Asami flinched away instinctively and immediately regretted it. Korra froze, panic slowing, breaking up into pain and the threat of tears.

"...I'm sorry." She tries, hand still poised to help, but voice too strained to say anymore.

"Hey, no," Asami shook her head, reaching out to touch her hand in apology, "I'm sorry. I was...I should have just asked what was wrong, not...done that."

"Wrong?"

Korra shirked away, pulling back. Asami had never seen an expression like it before; a thin shawl of humour over clenched teeth and scared eyes.

"Wrong what was wrong with that? Pfft, no, m'fine that was just-"

"-Korra-"

"-Indigestion, you know, now let me heal you up and get-"

"-Korra, please, I'm fine," She lied, shifting to her knees, "But if there's a problem-"

"-Why would there be a problem!?" Korra suddenly snapped, water frothing in her hand, "There's no problem! I told you it was just some heartburn-"

"But it's not, is it?" Asami shot back, softer but just as loud, "Every time I try and give you something more you shut me down! I can't kiss you, I can barely *touch* you and I just want to know why."

"That's- That's ridiculous-" Korra scoffed nervously, "Look if you don't want me to heal you just say so already..."

Asami looked down, tightening her hands into the fabric of her dress.

"Is it- is it me?"

" What?" Korra finally looked back at her, perplexed; annoyed.

"You know, it isn't..." She struggled, ashamed with her own cowardice for ever thinking such a thing, and the disgrace of saying it now, "...Normal. Us doing this. So if it's-"

"-What?!" Korra startled, dropping the water to grab the girl's shoulders and join her on the floor, "Nonono of *course* not!"

"Then what?" Asami pleaded as Korra flicked her gaze away again, "Korra..."

She tried not to wince as brown fingers dug deeper into her shoulders, or cringe when she saw that gaze turn inward- that fury rise and gnarl and fail to force the words out through her teeth. She didn't want to pay the price of a single shudder more than she'd already paid; for Korra to close off and back up. She needed her here. She needed her and...

...And that was it. She needed her. And it took Asami everything she had stop shaking as she watched the person she cared about the most in the world tear herself apart...and not even know why she was doing it.

Spirits, why was she forcing this on her now?

Tentatively, Asami reached out to touch Korra's cheek, trying to take some of that pain into herself.

"I'm here, Korra. Talk to me."

For the longest time she stayed as she was, frozen in anger and agony, then, slowly, Asami felt the weight of the hands on her increase, Korra's head bowing low...but not low enough to obscure the scared spite in her words.

"...Is this it?"

The question hangs like a shawl. It wasn't for Asami to answer.

"Is this it? Is this me now? Am I just-" Her lip curls, trembling, "...Am I just not allowed to be strong anymore?"

Before Asami could say anything Korra fixed her in place, eyes shimmering.

"Am I just going to be weak forever?"

"Korra, you are *not*-"

"But I am, aren't I?!" She stands, demanding, well away from understanding hands, "-I mean should be over this, right? I faced Zaheer, I faced Kuvira, what happened to me, I'm healthy I've got my bending back everyone I love and care about is still alive I don't freak out, I don'-" Her voice breaks and eyebrows arch a tear free, but she scrunches her eyes and continues, "-I don't. And I've got you now, and you're beautiful and amazing and I want to hold you and- and-and-do everything but when I try to think about it and when I try and do it I...-"

She looks back at Asami, choking on the air. Helpless. Grasping.

"I can't...I c-can't...-f-*finish*, anymore. I c-can't-"

The burst of mortified tears tells Asami the rest. What was too upsetting to say; too shameful to admit doing, let alone admit failing to achieve. Years of night-time humiliation she'd kept private through the stigma of the act. No parents to know. No healers present under the sheets. Suffering. And suffering more...for her. For trying to please HER.

Asami had never felt so guilty in her life.

"I haven't been able to for years but I got with you and-and I just thought-" Korra sputtered on, gasping, insensible, "I wanted to be strong for you and figure it out by myself and all I've done is make it worse and worse and I've just been s-so-"

Asami managed to get her arms around her before Korra collapsed, anchoring onto her.

"Korra I am so sorry." Asami tried, gently rocking the younger woman, absorbing Korra's sobs and self-hatred into her own tears.

"Why'm I like this? I've been so stupid I should've said I couldn't I'm sorry"

"Shh shh shh, you've nothing to be sorry about. You did it because you're the bravest, sweetest most perfect girl I know and..." She squinted, trying to push words out of her heart before her own scant courage failed her, words she'd never dared to utter before.

Words she'd never felt were true as strongly as she did now.

"...I love you. I love you, Korra. I love you so...so please don't cry. You've nothing to be ashamed of. I love you so much..."

"Here."

"...Thanks..."

Asami tended to her own tea quietly, not sure where to begin.

It had taken the best part of an hour for Korra to recover enough for them to move to a seat and for Asami to feel confident she could let her go. A large portion of that was spent in silence, Asami pressing kisses into the Avatar's hair, holding her, stroking her...words were difficult.

Even now, words were difficult. To not say anything at all now, she knew, would be catastrophic. This was not something to be brushed under the rug, or shelved to be brought up at a more convenient time. Korra had gotten much better over the years with expressing her feelings, but this...this was not a topic for casual conversation. This wasn't glib talk about mutual remedies for depression or success. This was...sexual. This was something that should be enjoyed, not ruined. Defiled.

She watched Korra nurse her drink, staring blankly at the spot on the carpet where she'd dropped the water she'd intended to heal Asami with. To be honest her back still hurt, but it was a drop in the ocean compared to the greater hurt she felt, knowing what Korra was going through.

It wasn't all empathy, though. Even the idea that she could possibly empathize with what Korra was going through weighed on her, salting her tongue so much she couldn't bear to think of speaking the same bold statements she'd made only a few minutes ago. What claim did she hope to stake on Korra's tears by saying she loved her?

Stupid. Selfish.

To say nothing of the other guilts and twisted feelings choking her. She could feel them pressing on the fringes of her sympathy, small reliefs and annoyances that disgusted her by even daring to be in her head. Happiness; that this wasn't some spiritual or bending problem, that it was human, that it was something *she* could help Korra with. Irritation; with herself that she didn't know or guess earlier...with Korra, that she didn't tell her sooner...that it wasn't in the letter she sent her. Of course it wasn't going to be in the letter; what did Asami expect? This was not a problem you open with after two years of silence.

She didn't even know where to begin herself, regarding this topic. No-one gets...'taught' how to do it, it's just something people learn naturally. They certainly don't get taught about technique or mentality or how to resolve issues with it. It wasn't part of Asami's private schooling for sure. It wasn't even talked about *at all* in polite society, and even in the lower dregs on the docklands anything negative about it was a slur. 'If you couldn't be good at it, then what good were you?' Even now she was struggling to mentally phrase it in a way that didn't ultimately cheapen it, or make it laughable. To work around the fact that somehow, the words 'sexual dysfunction' made Korra's tears seem contrived, or laughable. Euphemisms were cheap, selling the problem short, and clinical words were met with schoolboy sniggers. Language wasn't built for this.

She stared down into her own tea, fingers tapping the sides.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that it was so hard for Korra to say what was wrong with her that even when she did, she still couldn't say it outright. That Asami couldn't respond to it with equal frankness. That somehow it was okay for people to discuss everything about sex and pleasure except the thing itself, and the problems people suffered from in regards to it. How was she even going to start grappling with something so sensitive when even the act of thinking it- of thinking -Korra- -can't- -orgasm-, can't pleasure herself- can only go so far before freezing up-...was just...

She strained to find the word.

Impossible. It was just impossible to approach.

And if she tried it out loud, she knew she'd be forcing Korra deeper into her hole, deeper into that guilt and shame that had her curled up on the couch beside her, slowly convincing herself that Asami had declared her love out of pity rather than honesty; that she couldn't possibly deserve it for being so defective- for failing herself again.

The worst thing though, the thing that Asami hated more than anything, was that the things she wanted to say the most; how much she loved her, how much she admired her...those words were as good as feeding her poison. Korra would turn her affection into sword to fall on, and Asami refused to let her suffer any more for her sake. She had bled enough.

But still. Asami had to say something. She had to know more. Get Korra talking. And if she could do anything to support her, anything at all...well, maybe she could start with that.

She took a breath.

"So when did it start?" She paused a second, willing the silent girl beside her to continue, "Zaheer?"

Blue eyes stared off, still focused on some unknowable thought.

Asami clutched her cup tighter, staring into the steam, not daring to push any further. Had she already messed it up? Should she apologise? She wanted to, but an apology might guilt Korra into an answer, and the last thing she wanted was for Korra to feel any-

"No."

Asami tightened, trying to hide her surprise at both the answer and being answered. Peripherally, she could see Korra hadn't moved, still fixated on her spot. She waited.

"...Maybe," Korra continued, filling the space with her stumbling voice, "Maybe I just didn't notice. I couldn't...move, very well back then. It was painful. Everything was. But I don't think...I don't think it was Zaheer. I think it...I-I think I-"

Asami heard the cup in Korra's hand crack.

Without thinking she turned to touch her shoulder, a familiar gesture of comfort as utterly ignored as the scalding tea now running down the Avatar's hands; blistering them red. Asami lunged forward and...

...Stopped, inches away from slapping the drink out of her hand and dragging her to the sink. Paralyzed by understanding. Mortified.

Spirits, she...she couldn't help her. Not if she wanted Korra to talk. She couldn't allow anything to interrupt this admission; especially not her own needs; even if that need was to protect her. If she tried anything more, change priorities even a little to shield her...that'd be it. It'd end. And she didn't dare let that happen.

This...had to play out. She had to let Korra do it.

Asami felt sick.

Korra narrowed her eyes, more from effort than from pain as she carried on.

"...It was after I got to the South Pole. I...started having bad dreams," She winced, funneling a breath through her nose, "Really bad dreams. Not like the ones you saw me wake up from while I was still here."

The heiress bowed her head. She remembered the screams.

"It's not what you think. It wasn't- I don't know if it was any one thing, all I know is that I was so lonely- and-...and one day I tried not to be and-..."

She choked something back, chin trembling; but still not seeking the arms Asami desperately wanted to wrap around her.

"...I...I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was too much. It wasn't that my legs hurt- they did but- it was...I knew that when I'd done it before it felt...good. To do. And that scared me. What if it didn't now? If it didn't...what if nothing ever felt good ever again? What if- what if I did like it, even through the pain? Or-" She paused sourly, tasting the idea, "...because of it?"

She scowled guiltily.

" I-...I-I guess...I was scared of what that'd make me. To enjoy something like that. Twisted. A sick Avatar getting sicker."

"And I *know* that's not how it works," She added hastily, voice thin, "I know, but...that's how I felt. And it was...the idea of it, of being like that...I couldn't trust myself. I can't trust myself. So I started not to do anything. I started to do stuff to distract from it. Threw myself into getting better. Meditating. But it didn't help, I wanted to..."

The now-broken cup creaked a little as she flexed into it.

" I...thought about it all the time. I couldn't do anything else other than read letters and train, so I couldn't help think about things like...that. Of what to t-touch and, the pain and...I wanted to...t-to..."

She flicked her eyes down toward Asami's knees and back again, as if to confirm something and wallow in the remorse of it.

"I guess I ruined myself with that, "She sighs, hand in her hair, "I-I'm sorry. This isn't very helpful, it's just rambling. I-I mean it's a pretty dumb pity-party, right? What's wrong with thinking about sex, there's no...if I can't do it just because of something like that then-"

"-Tell me more about the dreams." Asami interrupted, taking a chance.

Another glance over. Longer. More searching and more sad.

"...They're...not what you think..."

Korra looked away, and they fumbled back into quiet.

Asami wished she'd said nothing at all. She'd just done it again;, she'd trapped Korra into something else, even after telling herself she wouldn't. The heiress just didn't want the person she loved to keep on bringing herself down...was it really so bad of her to ask? How else could she get her to stop if everything she did was something she didn't have the right to do?

She couldn't answer. She could only listen as Korra forced herself continue through the demanding silence Asami had thrust on her.

"I was back in Republic City. Cured. Just in the park walking around, or in a meeting with Raiko or going through my stances...then suddenly, it felt like...like when I was poisoned, but without the pain or the fear, just...the anger. The power. And I'd feel it rising, trying to take over, so I'd try and keep it in but I just- the more it came up- the more out of control it got, the better it'd feel. And it felt...great. Like everything I'd ever wanted. Eventually...always...I'd just give into it. Let go into my Avatar State. I was just so...powerful. Nothing hurt and it felt so good, but..."

She nervously wiped at her mouth, trying to hide from her own admissions.

"But I didn't stop getting more powerful. And the more powerful I got, the angrier I got. And it felt better the more I got blinded by it, the more I let go. Until I'd just be...destroying things for the thrill of it. I'd set fire to the park. Ice over the sea. The City'd burn and I...I...enjoyed it. I always enjoyed it . It was such a rush and it was never enough. And the people screaming, the people crying, I'd...bloodbend them. I'd turn the ground into lava when they tried to run. I'd crush the police in their own armour...then the people I know would come; Lin, Tenzin, trying to help me or stop me and-..." She sucked a sharp breath, "I-I couldn't see them as what they were anymore. It was like- like watching a mover or something. I was just enjoying watching myself...finish them. And the scale of it would shrink. It'd get more-specific in how I'd do it, take longer as I revelled in it...until the end."

She held her cup out infront of her with both hands.

"...It always ended the same. Sometimes it'd be my dad or mom. Sometimes Bolin. Mako. Sometimes..."

She squeezed tighter.

"...And then, just in the last moment, I'd be me again. I could see them again. Just in time to...feel...them...-"

The cup smashes between her fingers.

"..."

She brings her hands down into her lap. Watches them shake.

"...And then I'd wake up...just like that. And I'd remember everything. What I'd done. And I'd reach down under the covers and I'd...I'd be-"

She buries her face in her hands, fighting to keep her shoulders from shaking.

Asami slides off the couch to kneel infront of her, touching to either side of her legs.

" UM-M'okay," She bites through, "I'mokay. J-Just gimme a m-minute..."

"I'll get you some water, okay? For your hands."

Asami rises, turning to-

"W-Wait."

A palm slides against hers; fingers entwining, desperate with rough cuts and blisters.

The voice isn't smothered now when it speaks; just sensitive. Unprotected.

"Stay...Please?"

Asami swallows, wiping her cheeks with her free hand before sitting back down, never letting go. And when Korra leans silently into her arms, Asami holds her as if she never would; curling a hand into her hair. She hoped that wasn't too much to ask.

"I'm sorry. I'm fine." Korra murmurs, but doesn't move, hiding against the older girl's chest, "Really. I just...wanted to forget about that. It's messed up, right? Sick. I'm sorry."

Asami shakes her head, trusting Korra to feel the motion through their embrace, hoping that the Avatar found the feeling more truthful than any words she might say. It never came out right when she just...said it. Her tongue never felt smart enough to know how to get her feelings across to the girl in her arms. A machine she didn't know how to work properly. It frustrated her.

Spirits, she felt so useless. She'd asked so much of Korra tonight, and what had she given in return? What *could* she give? Some vague words of encouragement? A bit of tea? There had to be something more that she could do. Anything.

Korra leaned her head back to look up at her, feeling protective arms tighten around her just a little too much.

"Asami?"

"...Use me."

She said it without thinking, without an idea what she meant by it...only that she did. She tried to continue before Korra could say anything, rushing through a thousand different ideas.

"I could-," Asami grimaced carefully, not sure whether it was appropriate to look at the girl staring at her, but deciding to do so anyway, "I could...just, uhm, lie down, and let you do what you want to me. Or..."

Korra pushed herself out of Asami's arms.

"Asami, no," She tried to explain, "Don't you get it? I don't want you to get dragged down with this! You've spent enough of your life looking after me-"

"-So what am I supposed to do?" She tried, knowing she'd gone too far to back down now, "Just leave you alone? Abandon you?"

Asami rushed a hand forward over Korra's mouth, seeing the reply in her eyes.

"Don't you dare," She whispered, eyes stinging, "Don't you dare even think that. You think it's hard for me, caring for you? What's hard is not being able to. What's hard is every day for three years knowing you were in pain and struggling, and not being able to see you, or comfort you, or help you beyond a few scribbles on a piece of paper. Nothing has ever hurt me more."

"And that's not your fault," Asami added, moving to cup her cheek, keeping her gaze, "I chose to care. You don't have to feel guilty or responsible for that. But...if you care about me too, if you don't want to hurt me...then let me help you. Use me. I'm here for you...I'd spend the rest of my life looking after you if you'd let me."

Korra's eyes widened, and Asami wondered if that was an admission too far. But she'd never take it back.

"I..." Korra brought her own hand up to hold the one on her cheek, leaning into it, "Of course I care about you. I just...I just hate this. Being useless. Like I can't do anything by myself. Everyone starts treating me like I'm...less. Even if they say they don't think it. I didn't want that for this. Between us."

"Then it won't happen," Asami swore, taking both hands into her own, "I promise. I know how strong you are Korra, and I know you can get through this. Whatever you want to do...do it. I'll support you."

"...Really?"

Asami nodded, respectful that there was more in that question than just a confirmation.

"Really."

"But what if..." Korra frowned, turning inward again, "What if I just keep making it worse...or-what if you really don't like what I ask you to do?"

"Then we'll get through it together. Whatever it takes." Asami said simply, "...I mean, I never thought I'd get to kiss you at all, so we're already doing better than I ever imagined."

The younger girl laughed, and Asami had never heard anything more beautiful.

"You are," Korra smiled, tears of relief in her eyes, "The perfect girlfriend, you know that right?"

Asami flushed even before Korra shifted foward to kiss her. It was soft, but confident, underlining the term. A girlfriend, now. Something to introduce the other as, if they could dare. And she would dare, if Korra would let her.

The world slid from her shoulders. They were comfortable. They were...together.

"...Fine, I'll use you," Korra smirked as she backed away, then blushed, "But, uh...not today. I'm beat. And- not with what you suggested. I...kinda liked what happened before. The...tugging."

"Of course," Asami smiled, giving Korra's hands a reassuring squeeze, "Anything else?"

"Yeah..." Korra said, wincing.

"Could you get that water now? My hands're *really* starting to sting."