"Worlds Apart"
Author: Rin Anime : Trigun
Censor: PG due to some minor language
WARNINGS: Shounen-ai. If you really don't like shounen-ai, then I suggest you don't read it! Pairings: Vash x Wolfwood/ Wolfwood x Vash. Very angsty. Also, there are spoilers for the end of Trigun (Volume 7 and 8) so if you haven't seen the end of the story, and don't want spoilers, you might not want to read this fic until after. Note: Unlike my usual fluff, this fic is really rather angsty. Comments welcome, however any flames will be read, laughed at, and whapped to death with a shovel!
Disclaimer: The characters from Trigun don't belong to me. Also the song isn't mine, its "World's Apart" by the group Jars of Clay. I'm not getting anything for this, other than my own enjoyment. Please don't sue me, I'm just a student, and I have NO MONEY! None!
--blah blah-- =song lyrics
***
--I am the only one to blame for this...—
It's my fault. It's all my fault! If I hadn't yelled at him...If I hadn't chased him away.... If I had apologized sooner. If...IF....God I hate that word. It was Nicholas who taught me to hate that word. He hated it too. He always told me there was no point in 'ifs', that they don't change anything. He told me that we have to learn to live with what happens now, and not dwell on the past. But he isn't here anymore. He's gone. He's gone and I'll never see him again. Tears are poring down my cheeks, but I can't be bothered with wiping them away anymore, there are simply too many. I cry, and yell; I pound my fists against the wall until they are raw, and my throat is so sore I can barely speak, but the pain in my hands is nothing to that of the pain in my heart.
-- somehow it all ends up the same –
It's always the same....I always lose the ones I love. First Rem, then others, so many others. Each one, coming close, becoming important to me, then dying. Because of me. After all that, I thought that nothing could ever hurt me that badly again. I was right, this hurts more. More than anything. More than any pain I've ever experienced, and more than I ever imagined something could hurt.
-- soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high –
I kept telling myself, kept telling him that there was a better way...that violence wasn't the answer. He knew better than I. He knew that while violence shouldn't always be the way, sometimes it really is necessary.
-- and like Icarus I collide, --
He truly believed that Zazie was going to kill me. I could see the terror in his eyes, when Zazie's gun was pointed at my head. He thought I was going to die, and so he killed Zazie. He did it for me, and I pushed him away for it.
--with a world I try so hard to leave behind, --
Ever since what happened in the city of July, with Knives, I've tried to avoid letting people get too close to me...It's too dangerous. I know that...I've always known that. Somehow the insurance girls got in, Meryl and her unwillingness to give up, and Millie and her kindhearted soul, and silly ways. They managed to get me to open up, and over the course of our travels together, became like family to me. But as close as I am to them, its nothing to what I shared with Nick...what I was willing to share with Nick.
--to rid myself, of all but love, --
When I lost Rem, my world shattered, like the pieces of a stained glass window. It was Nicholas who helped put me back together. I tried to push him away too, but he would never let me. He followed me, even when the girls couldn't. Long after anyone else would have given me up for a lost cause. He defended me time and time again, he was a friend, and he most importantly he taught me about love. Not just sex, or even love-making, though that was a part of it too, but love. It was Nicholas who truly loved me. Nicholas who truly understood me, and understood why I do the things I do. He understood what makes me, me. The day he told me that he loved me, was like a revelation. I had wanted him for so long, but I had hidden the desire. Locked it away, deep in the recesses of my soul. For the first time in 130 years, since all that happened with Rem, and then with Knives, I wasn't alone anymore. For the first time, I had love.
-- to give and die, --
As I watched the bullet fly from his gun, towards a killer who looked and acted like a small child, I knew there was nothing I could do. The little body fell, lifeless, and my mind recoiled with shock. Nick had come to my rescue, by killing a child.
-- To turn away and not become, --
I lashed out at him...I said things I shouldn't have said...things I didn't mean. We both did. Anger and fear overwhelmed the other emotions...overwhelmed rational thought, and words poured out, completely out of control.
-- another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves –
After what happened with Zazie...I didn't know how to make amends. When night fell, I waited, but he didn't come back to "our room". I lay awake for hours, staring at the ceiling. He never came, and I cried myself to sleep that night. I didn't see him again until the following afternoon. He moved out of "our" room, and moved into a separate one, down the hall. Walking in and seeing him moving all his things, taking them away, I wanted to say something, but the words caught in my throat, and I couldn't say anything at all. He barely glanced at me, as he walked past me, out into the hall. I sat heavily on the bed, cursing myself, cursing my own stupidity as tears streamed down my cheeks.
-- more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears –
I curse myself even more now. Those tears, that pain, were just at the thought that he was angry with me, and I with him. I never imagined that only a few short hours later I'd lose him forever.
-- of a world embracing every heart ache......—
The Gun Ho Guns returned again...and someone from Nicholas' past. I didn't know the details, but I knew it was personal. It was Nick who made the first real apology. I wonder if he suspected what was going to happen, if he knew it was inevitable...
-- And can I be the one to sacrifice? –
He went to fight, and I went to fight...and if had I known it would be the last time we were going to see each other...back to that damned 'if' again. I didn't know. Didn't know he'd get shot. Didn't know that he wouldn't seek help...He should have come to us. Should have gone to a doctor. Instead, he sought out a church, while I waited for him to return. Waited for him to return, like he always had before. After waiting for what may only have been a few minutes, but seemed like an eternity, I knew something was wrong. I knew I had to find him.
-- or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow? –
There was blood leading into the church....I followed it like grim footsteps, and each of those drops of blood is now etched into my memory for all eternity. With each step, my panic increased, and as the pools of blood on the floor continued to grow larger, my footsteps grew faster...taking me deeper into the church, and closer to the truth I was still fighting to deny in my head. I saw him, kneeling before the alter, leaning up against his cross for support, bathed in the light of the stained glass window. He looked like he was glowing. As though he were some sort of heavenly messenger, or a brightly shinning star. Those final steps, as I rushed towards the alter, he was shinning so brightly I could barely see.
-- To love you, take my world apart –
I dropped to my knees beside him, and reached out to him then, ready to scold him for being so "macho" and not letting anyone look to his wounds. I touched his shoulder, and knew. I knew that he was gone. However, what my mind knew, my heart was unwilling to admit. Denials screaming in my head, I pulled him from the cross, and he slumped into my arms, totally motionless, completely still. I shook him, yelled at him, begged and pleaded with him to wake up. I searched his wrists frantically for a pulse, and when I didn't find it, pushed my ear to his chest, listening for the heartbeat that had so often lulled me to sleep at night, only to find that it too was absent. You can only deny something for so long.
-- to need you, I am on my knees –
I brought a shaking hand up to the side of his face.... that face that I had come to know so well. The face that was the first thing I saw every morning, and the last thing I saw at night before falling asleep. The face of the man I loved. His face was serene, at peace. He had attained a peace that I will never know. -- To love you, take my world apart -- I held him tightly in my arms, and rocked him back and forth. For me, in that moment, time ceased. When Meryl found me, the sun had long since set, and as she whispered my name, tears in her eyes, time suddenly resumed its normal course.
-- to need you, broken on my knees--
My world shattered all over again.
-- Said and done, I stand alone --
Again the tears.... I can't stop crying. The pain goes on and on, washing over me continuously. Just when I think the tide of tears has passed, and I have nothing left, a new wave washes over me, and the tears come again.
-- amongst remains of a life I should not own --
Meryl and Millie are staying with me. They cook food for me, and make me eat it, when I would have forgotten to. I wouldn't eat at all if they didn't' make me. They give me support, and companionship and friendship. We're staying in a quiet town; there's no fighting here. To the outside observer it might seem the idyll setting. Yet the most important thing is missing. Meryl says we'll stay as long as I need time to heal...little does she know that this will take longer than her mortal lifespan.
-- it takes all I am to believe, in the mercy that covers me –
I lie alone at night, covers wrapped around me.... tears my only company until finally I fall into an exhausted sleep. When I dream, it's always the same. He isn't dead. He didn't die. We are together, and we are happy. The worst part is that half-aware state, somewhere between dreaming and being awake, where for a moment, I believe that the dreams are real. That he's there. But they're not real. It's never real.
-- Did you really have to die for me? —
God, Nick.... Why? Why did you do it? I remember when you held me at night and whispered in my ear that you and I would have countless nights together. Nights spent in quiet conversation, and love, always the love.
-- for all I am, --
A hero, a killer, a savior, a vessel of destruction...a machine, a human being. The man with the 60 billion double dollar bounty on his head. The man who loved you.
-- for all you are, --
A hero, a killer, a priest, a fighter, a martyr. The man who loved me.
-- because what I need and what I believe –
We were so different, and somehow, exactly the same.
-- are worlds apart. –
You told me that we'd be together.
-- To love you, take my world apart –
Meryl is standing outside my door. I know she's there...I can hear her. She wants to comfort me, and as generous a thought as that is...there's nothing she can say that will take away the pain.
-- to need you, I am on my knees –
I should have stopped you from going....
-- to love you, take my world apart--
I should have protected you like you always tried to protect me.
--To need you, broken on my knees--
Nick I need you so much.
--On my knees...on my knees.... --
I cover my face with my hands, and I can feel the tears escaping through my clenched fingers to run down my arms. How long have I been crying now? Days? Months? I'm not sure anymore... I'm not sure of anything. -- I look beyond the empty cross, -- The cross is there...propped against the wall. I've given it to Millie. I can't bear to look at the thing. It is a constant visual reminder...I have so many reminders already... God Nick, everything reminds me of you.
-- forgetting what my life has cost –
How many people have died because of me Nick? I used to remember them all, I had a name for each face, but now, now I think I've lost count. When I try to think of the others, your face comes to the front. So many names, so many faces, and you've eclipsed them all.
-- I wipe away the crimson stains, --
Blood Nick.... there's so much blood. "Blood on my hands," but even worse, there's blood on my soul.
-- and tore the nails that still remain –
What do I do now?
-- More and more I need you now, --
Nick.... How do I keep going without you? Why should I keep going? What reason do I have to go on? Time and time when I would have given up let everything go, you were there to encourage me...to force me to keep going. What do I do now?
-- I owe you more each passing hour,--
You did so much for me....You fought for me, fought beside me. When I ran from everything, you came after me.... you loved me. Did I ever get to show you how much everything you did really meant to me?
--the battle between grace and pride I gave up not long ago,--
I used to play the part of the fool.... but you saw through it. You saw through my mask every time. You knew when I was hiding things. I could never lie to you...never deceive you. You always knew when I wasn't being honest....
-- So steal my heart and take the pain –
I'd give anything to have you back Nick...anything at all. I miss you Nick.
-- and wash the feet and cleanse my pride –
You taught me so much. You helped me become the person I am.
--take the selfish , take the weak and all the things I cannot hide –
I haven't worn the red coat since.... I can't bear to put it on. If I do, that means I have to go on. It means I have to face everything. Knives...I have to face Knives.
-- take the beauty , take my tears –
I have to stop crying.
-- my sinful soiled heart, make it pure –
I wipe the tears away.
-- Take my world, its all yours –
I get up off the bed and make my way towards the door. Its hanging there..hanging on the rack by the door.
--take it now, take it now –
I reach for the coat, and with trembling hands, pull on the sleeves over my arms. Red..red for Rem. I used to wear the coat for Rem...now I wear it for you. I have to stop Knives.... Confront him, and stop him once and for all...And after.... after this is over, maybe I'll see you again.
-- Worlds apart -- _________________________________________________________________________