Disclaimer: There are many creative ways to say, "I don't own Fushigi Yuugi." This is not one of them.
This poem literally popped into my head as I became drugged up on allergy medicine at around… midnight or so. I was just reading one of my manga and I came to Chapter 46 (a.k.a. Episode 33) and was instantly inspired.
Warning: Episode 33 spoilers. Death and angst and drama are abundant here, so be careful.
Don't Make Me Look
Don't make me look into his eyes
The windows to a soul that should never be shattered
Of which such pain should never have touched
Don't make me watch those orbs of rose
As they begin to cloud over with eternal oblivion
I can't take the weight of his stare
I'm not able to hold his devoted gaze
Knowing that he died for me
Knowing that he would die again if it came to that
But seeing the utter peace in his eyes
The acceptance of death as his destiny to seek
It pushes me past my emotional limits
Drives me to begging and pleading
I would do anything to bring him back to life
Just don't make me look into his eyes
Don't make me look at his face
So open and loving and kind
For a moment in time I am allowed to smile
Then I see the blood running down his temples
Between his eyes like morbid teardrops
Streaming off his lips like a liquid promise
Until I can't stand it any longer
I want to wash his face and comb his hair
I want him to be just the way he was when perfect
For when I see him now
All I can see is the taint of death
The stolen vitality that can never be returned
With a smile of contentment forever painted on his porcelain features
And my heart keeps on breaking
And my tears keep on falling
So please, don't make me look at his face
Don't make me look at his body
At the radiant form that's so completely destroyed
Wrecked and broken like a doll no longer wanted
I can feel the wounds on his shoulders
I can count each of the holes in his side
It makes me want to scream as I try to stop the bloodshed
And knowing deep down that there's nothing I can do
The feeling of helplessness nearly overpowers me
It has made me push away my beloved
But the thing that truly kills me
Burns like a holocaust in my core and my being
Is the fact that his Seishi symbol shines ever brightly
Unaware of the fact that its human flesh is fading
That its essence is ready to fly without a care
The willow is the greatest of all nature's creations
And I start to think he's too strong to leave us
Denial is the best defense I have
The only shield against the sight before me
I stand up and search for the one who can fix this
The one who can bring him back to us before it's too late
Because I can't look at his body anymore
Don't make me look at him
At the deceased I once called Nuriko
We made him look beautiful again
We gave him the gift of his splendor
Can't I just remember him like that
Can't you just leave me in my anguish
I'm not strong enough to handle this
I tried to run but I was caught
I tried to hide but I was found
I want to believe that he's not really dead
And I can see the same desire shining behind all the Seishi's eyes
Yet reality is cruel and cold as the snow we kneel upon
There is a certain amount of ice within our hearts now
That will take an eternity to melt the grief away
I am forced to look at him
Forced to see that he is never coming back
Never going to eat, drink, walk, laugh with me
The tears keep flowing from my eyes even though I feel so numb
Somehow… words of compassion pierce through my misery
Realization dawns on me like a blossoming orchid
And I know the truth
That no matter where he is
In this life or the next
He will watch over me and protect me
I will never be alone and he is never truly gone
For where there is memory there is life
You have made me look at him
This time, I won't look away
* * *
One reason I've hated Miaka was because she ran away from Nuriko's body when she couldn't handle knowing that he died. Through a great deal of the series, she runs away from her problems and I just… my respect for her goes down the proverbial toilet. However, this doesn't mean I can't empathize with the poor girl. In fact… a lot of this poem came from what I felt the first time that I watched Nuriko die, and the feeling never changes as I watch the episode over and over.