Sleeping peacefully…

Until I fell so deep.

Sleep did not come to her easily that night. It did not come easily on most nights – but it was that night especially when she tossed and turned, her mind full of only one thing – only one person – even more than before. Aoshi-sama.

I… I think there may be a chance that Aoshi-sama… He may… …Love me? Ah, when I think of it in these terms it sounds rather ridiculous. But today… No. I could not have been mistaken. …Could I have? …I probably was, the more I think of it.

For it had been today when she had caught his eyes as he looked at her when he thought her unaware.

Those eyes. Ah, those eyes. So distant always looking on with no expression but a detached coolness, at that moment they had shone with such warmth and tenderness, such longing and want. And as soon as she had looked up at him, it seemed as if a door had snapped shut and the detached cold had returned. He had raised an eyebrow and asked her what the matter was – and she had stammered out a breathless, "N-nothing!"

It could have been a mistake. A trick of the golden morning light, something about the strange shadow of the engawa overhang. But Misao wanted to believe. That was undeniable that he had looked at her in such a way, if even for a moment. Ah, the thought made her shiver and clasp her hands over her beating heart.

It had also been today when she had caught a spark of jealousy in his demeanor and it was today that he had said something that she did not know how to interpret.

For, Misao was a lovely young woman, it was undeniable. And even though her lack of womanly manner and the thick 'feminine charm' that most young women lay on around young men was not present at all, it was that which made her even more appealing. Her outgoing manner had earned her many friends in the town, many of them regulars at the Aoiya. Many had attempted to court her but were denied, in a friendly manner – with the offer of continuing a friendship. But there were always new admirers.

So when she had received a proposal of courtship from one such new admirer today, it had so happened that Aoshi was present.

The young man was handsomer than most, preferring to wear the clothes of a Westerner rather than kimono, as befitted the heir of a rich merchant family. He spoke with the air of reciting poetry, dramatically waving his arms. "…I stand before you today with a trembling heart and a trembling hand. If only you could take my hand to keep it from trembling, if you could give me your heart and I give you mine then I would do my best to make you happy. If you would do me the honor of allowing me to court you I would be the happiest man alive. My feelings for you… I have tried to suppress them, my father, he has other designs for me. But the sound of a beating heart cannot be quieted – and as my heart beats only for you, my dear Misao-san, I can only-"

Misao knew from experience that interrupting the poor guy was a little too harsh. So she always let them say their piece before smiling and telling them it was alright if they remained friends but nothing more. Because there was someone else that she loved. But he was getting a bit too intense and long-winded. "Sousuke-kun, I'm sorry-" she began saying.

"Hm." He cleared his throat, interrupting her. "As I was saying, Misao-san – my heart beats only for your sake and-" But as this young man, Kusakabe Sousuke-kun, was finishing up his tirade, he was interrupted once again – this time not by her.

There was the sharp sound of wooden geta clicking against flagstones as Aoshi came up the path to the Aoiya. "…So your heart beats only for her." his voice was cold and sharp, his eyes blazing with a frigid fire, tone derisive. "Then I am sure you would do her the honor of allowing her to speak."

Sousuke froze, turning, annoyance, anger and then fear flashing over his face. "Wha-"

Aoshi continued icily. "Do you have any idea what it is like to actually suppress your feelings for someone? Every day to watch the one you love more than anything and be unable to approach them as you want to? To be unworthy of her attention?" he said so quietly that Misao had to strain to hear him, very close to the young man now and looking down at him with stony, frozen eyes. "A rich merchant boy who has not done a day's work in his life should not speak about quieting a beating heart." There was a twitch to Aoshi's eyebrow. "For there are many more ways of doing that than one." He said, a threatening undertone to his voice.

Misao stared. He couldn't mean- Does he have someone he loves? Aoshi-sama? No! I-It can't be! W-who-!? Her eyes widened as Sousuke unfroze from his initial fear and hastily departed without even a backwards glance at Misao. Aoshi looked at her and opened his mouth to say something but stopped. …It couldn't be… Who is it? …Who?

The wind blew and the two of them stood still, facing each other on the path, silence between them, autumn leaves swirling and churning along the ground. Then Aoshi broke the silence. "…I apologize." He said. "I acted senselessly."

She made herself smile. "Hey, I get it, Aoshi-sama. You kinda raised me so it's only natural that you get overprotective of a little girl that you watched grow up."

"That isn't it at all." He said firmly, quickly. "…I did not watch you grow up. I left before I could do so. And when I came back you were already an adult. That's why, even though…-" he suddenly stopped. "…If that is how you take it." He finally said. With a nod, he walked by her. "If you will excuse me."

Not even realizing that she had tears streaming down her cheeks, she swiveled around and grabbed his sleeve to keep him from leaving. He did not turn, but his shoulders stiffened as he stopped. "…Aoshi-sama…" she said quietly. "…For whose sake have you quieted your beating heart?" she sniffed, the tears coming stronger and stronger. "If she is at least a little bit smart then she'll understand. Y-you are not unworthy of anyone's affection, Aoshi-sama! You-you're amazing! Because… Because so many people who care about- B-Because I lo-" she stuttered, tears making her voice uneven until she finally cut herself off before she could say anything more.

He did not turn still, but his voice was thick with emotion. "…It is almost time to serve dinner." He managed and she could almost hear his jaw tightening. "…I have to go and assist with preparations. …Please dry your tears."

Misao's shaking hands dropped to her sides and Aoshi still did not walk away. "…A-Aoshi-sama…"

"…I may have laid a mask of ice over my face but my heart has not yet stopped beating." He said quietly, sadly. "…Those boys are better than I give them credit for – some of them. Enjoy yourself, Misao. Do not waste your affection on me."

With that, he departed.

Neither he nor Misao came down to eat dinner.

And so, Misao lay on her side, then back, then other side as she tossed, thinking of him, of how infuriatingly confusing he was, playing a game of 'he loves me, he loves me not' in her head, trying not to cry, not wanting her heart to break. I want you to love me, Aoshi-sama. But… Do you? Who is this phantom woman?