With All My Heart, Goodbye
Buffy
I couldn't believe he had the nerve to enter my house and then my bedroom of all places with his cryptic
message. He couldn't have waited until morning to tell me my boyfriend had pretty much cheated on me in the
widest range of the term. When I wouldn't be able to see for myself and get repulsed to utter disgust. But that's
Spike for you. Low on the tact and high on the self pleasure scale.
Lately he had been acting so strangely. Every time I thought I figured out why the reason slipped my
mind and I shook it off. I followed him outside on that cold evening. It wasn't really that cold but looking back it
feels cold to my heart.
The place was dirtier than Spike's lair and that's saying a lot. I was dreading what I would find every step
I took towards the ultimate downfall of our relationship. No words can capture the feelings that the scene brought
to me. Maybe I was horrified, disgusted, revolted, saddened, angered, scared, turned on (Dracula will do that to
you,) Or a mixture of all those things. I stayed long enough for him to notice me then I bailed. I could hear Spike
coming down right after me and Riley behind him a ways.
"Buffy wait! I'm sorry." Spike yelled. Sure he was sorry. As sorry as he was when he could eat people. I
had fallen into his trap of self gratification. Lord he would be having a happy. I kept running until I didn't hear
anyone behind me. I didn't know what else to do besides go home to face it in the morning when my mind wasn't
utterly convulsing with emotions and ideas. How long had it been going on?
I felt betrayed. Every bone in my body screamed vampire filth. I ran a cold shower and hopped in for a
few minutes. It only succeeded in making me shiver and grow angrier. Why did I pick these guys? Was I a glutton
for punishment or something? I got into bed and spent the rest of a bad night with some bad restless sleep. The
next day was a blur of sorts between torching the vamp nest and going to the Magic Box.
Riley
She caught me. That bastard. And we had bonded over her too. I had walked all night wearing out the
soles of my shoes but I couldn't wear myself down enough to sleep. I was reeling. Maybe I had wanted her to
know. Getting it out in the open we could talk about it and deal with it. That would make her love me.
But Graham had changed it all with his offer. An escape. It wasn't the manly way to deal with my
problems but nothing else besides an ultimatum would shake her. She didn't see anything. She focused on the
problem at hand and didn't see the other ones forming around her. I want to take the blame for all of this but I
can't. It's her fault too. She drove me to it. Holding her every night with her blue eyes looking into my eyes trying
to tell me that she loved me but couldn't I just held her tighter. I tried to squeeze the little love I could out of her
and what was left was the cold shell that I woke with every morning.
With whatever weird vampire heart he had Spike loved her too. And there he is spouting off how I have
the better deal. I at least get to hold her even if she doesn't hold me in return. Grass is always greener on the other
side I guess. I'd rather long for her and not know how much loving her could really hurt when she tries to love you
back but can't.
So I go visit her. Lay it out for her and give her the choice. With everything I have I will for her want to
try. She cries. As I guess she's been doing for months. But she does not give in to her emotions. She fights it
again. What I hoped she wouldn't do. She wouldn't let me deal with her problems. Verbal abuse of each other
wasn't enough. I encouraged at least a punch. Any kind of contact was good as Spike would probably say. But she
wouldn't and left. In 4 hours I would be leaving. She knew now and it was her choice. I wouldn't keep hurting
myself over her. I wouldn't put myself through that. Cushioning her falls and her choices. She would make this
one herself.
I packed my bags and looked around my room. Most of it was going to be left behind. My old life
exchanged for the new one. What was the quote? "Our is not to question why, ours is just to do or die." Well I
would. I would suppress everything about Buffy and fight the good fight sunrise to sundown. That's what I was
made for wasn't it? I was a soldier and I would serve mankind. Just as she did. I thought we understood each other
but it's another wrong in my twisted view of the world.
All I had left to do was hop on board the helicopter and be lifted off into the night. I took a piece of paper
and a pen up. I had to leave something. A last regret, a last quote for myself to this place that used me and scorned
me. Nothing came. In my messy writing I wrote the only words that I could. "With all my heart goodbye." I
snapped close my suitcase and headed downstairs.
Spike
I watched it all fall to pieces. I thought it would make me happy. I would have my chance at her now with
Captain Cardboard gone but I couldn't find any happiness in it. Over the next 24 hours I saw them both slowly
crumbling. I tried to stop it, intervene. I was killing them both and I actually cared. With whatever meager heart I
possessed I cared.
But there was nothing I could do now. The bomb had an unstoppable timer on it. I saw him go the
landing pad with his luggage in hand. I saw her kill them all taking special pleasure in the one who used to drink
from him. I was glad it wasn't me, it could be. For all I observed I couldn't tell if she was angry with me. I was
only the messenger wasn't I? But I bore the word of Lucifer as far as she was concerned.
I ran with her, part of me hoping she'd make it in time, part of me hoping she wouldn't so I could hold
her and comfort her. But I knew she would never let me. I stayed hidden, an echo of chaos in her life. She ran like
the wind as only she can do with her beautiful blond hair streaming behind her. In a dirty mood I would have said
it reminded me of Baywatch. Hey a guy's got to get his kicks somehow when he's in a state like mine.
The wind rustled the autumn leaves and moaned the lose of Riley. He was a hero to the good guys and a
formidable opponent to the bad guys. But towards the end it had grown muddled as he crawled to the dark side.
But no one is all good and no one is all bad. Look at Angelus. I was just past the trees when He left and she
arrived. I was dumbfounded that he never looked down to see her. Vampires have better vision than humans and I
could watch him. He was trying not to cry and because of his stubbornness he was missing her, He would never
know she wanted to try again. She wanted to love him.
What a turn of events. I watched her standing there looking up to the clear night sky. The whole world
was telling her it was a lesson learned but what did that matter to her shattered heart? All the lessons in the world
couldn't mend it. I took a step forward and then retreated. In no way was this my place. She would take me for a
gloater because she couldn't see past my past. I was a vile evil thing to her. I shadowed her home.
At least I could protect her in this state because she couldn't defend herself in that condition. I stayed
outside as she went inside. Good job Spike. You destroyed your only love because you couldn't have her so no one
would. I'm a piece of shit. But a piece of shit that would try to fix this. Maybe I couldn't bring him back from the
jungle but I could love her the way he loved her because I have nothing else to lose.
Buffy
I couldn't believe he had the nerve to enter my house and then my bedroom of all places with his cryptic
message. He couldn't have waited until morning to tell me my boyfriend had pretty much cheated on me in the
widest range of the term. When I wouldn't be able to see for myself and get repulsed to utter disgust. But that's
Spike for you. Low on the tact and high on the self pleasure scale.
Lately he had been acting so strangely. Every time I thought I figured out why the reason slipped my
mind and I shook it off. I followed him outside on that cold evening. It wasn't really that cold but looking back it
feels cold to my heart.
The place was dirtier than Spike's lair and that's saying a lot. I was dreading what I would find every step
I took towards the ultimate downfall of our relationship. No words can capture the feelings that the scene brought
to me. Maybe I was horrified, disgusted, revolted, saddened, angered, scared, turned on (Dracula will do that to
you,) Or a mixture of all those things. I stayed long enough for him to notice me then I bailed. I could hear Spike
coming down right after me and Riley behind him a ways.
"Buffy wait! I'm sorry." Spike yelled. Sure he was sorry. As sorry as he was when he could eat people. I
had fallen into his trap of self gratification. Lord he would be having a happy. I kept running until I didn't hear
anyone behind me. I didn't know what else to do besides go home to face it in the morning when my mind wasn't
utterly convulsing with emotions and ideas. How long had it been going on?
I felt betrayed. Every bone in my body screamed vampire filth. I ran a cold shower and hopped in for a
few minutes. It only succeeded in making me shiver and grow angrier. Why did I pick these guys? Was I a glutton
for punishment or something? I got into bed and spent the rest of a bad night with some bad restless sleep. The
next day was a blur of sorts between torching the vamp nest and going to the Magic Box.
Riley
She caught me. That bastard. And we had bonded over her too. I had walked all night wearing out the
soles of my shoes but I couldn't wear myself down enough to sleep. I was reeling. Maybe I had wanted her to
know. Getting it out in the open we could talk about it and deal with it. That would make her love me.
But Graham had changed it all with his offer. An escape. It wasn't the manly way to deal with my
problems but nothing else besides an ultimatum would shake her. She didn't see anything. She focused on the
problem at hand and didn't see the other ones forming around her. I want to take the blame for all of this but I
can't. It's her fault too. She drove me to it. Holding her every night with her blue eyes looking into my eyes trying
to tell me that she loved me but couldn't I just held her tighter. I tried to squeeze the little love I could out of her
and what was left was the cold shell that I woke with every morning.
With whatever weird vampire heart he had Spike loved her too. And there he is spouting off how I have
the better deal. I at least get to hold her even if she doesn't hold me in return. Grass is always greener on the other
side I guess. I'd rather long for her and not know how much loving her could really hurt when she tries to love you
back but can't.
So I go visit her. Lay it out for her and give her the choice. With everything I have I will for her want to
try. She cries. As I guess she's been doing for months. But she does not give in to her emotions. She fights it
again. What I hoped she wouldn't do. She wouldn't let me deal with her problems. Verbal abuse of each other
wasn't enough. I encouraged at least a punch. Any kind of contact was good as Spike would probably say. But she
wouldn't and left. In 4 hours I would be leaving. She knew now and it was her choice. I wouldn't keep hurting
myself over her. I wouldn't put myself through that. Cushioning her falls and her choices. She would make this
one herself.
I packed my bags and looked around my room. Most of it was going to be left behind. My old life
exchanged for the new one. What was the quote? "Our is not to question why, ours is just to do or die." Well I
would. I would suppress everything about Buffy and fight the good fight sunrise to sundown. That's what I was
made for wasn't it? I was a soldier and I would serve mankind. Just as she did. I thought we understood each other
but it's another wrong in my twisted view of the world.
All I had left to do was hop on board the helicopter and be lifted off into the night. I took a piece of paper
and a pen up. I had to leave something. A last regret, a last quote for myself to this place that used me and scorned
me. Nothing came. In my messy writing I wrote the only words that I could. "With all my heart goodbye." I
snapped close my suitcase and headed downstairs.
Spike
I watched it all fall to pieces. I thought it would make me happy. I would have my chance at her now with
Captain Cardboard gone but I couldn't find any happiness in it. Over the next 24 hours I saw them both slowly
crumbling. I tried to stop it, intervene. I was killing them both and I actually cared. With whatever meager heart I
possessed I cared.
But there was nothing I could do now. The bomb had an unstoppable timer on it. I saw him go the
landing pad with his luggage in hand. I saw her kill them all taking special pleasure in the one who used to drink
from him. I was glad it wasn't me, it could be. For all I observed I couldn't tell if she was angry with me. I was
only the messenger wasn't I? But I bore the word of Lucifer as far as she was concerned.
I ran with her, part of me hoping she'd make it in time, part of me hoping she wouldn't so I could hold
her and comfort her. But I knew she would never let me. I stayed hidden, an echo of chaos in her life. She ran like
the wind as only she can do with her beautiful blond hair streaming behind her. In a dirty mood I would have said
it reminded me of Baywatch. Hey a guy's got to get his kicks somehow when he's in a state like mine.
The wind rustled the autumn leaves and moaned the lose of Riley. He was a hero to the good guys and a
formidable opponent to the bad guys. But towards the end it had grown muddled as he crawled to the dark side.
But no one is all good and no one is all bad. Look at Angelus. I was just past the trees when He left and she
arrived. I was dumbfounded that he never looked down to see her. Vampires have better vision than humans and I
could watch him. He was trying not to cry and because of his stubbornness he was missing her, He would never
know she wanted to try again. She wanted to love him.
What a turn of events. I watched her standing there looking up to the clear night sky. The whole world
was telling her it was a lesson learned but what did that matter to her shattered heart? All the lessons in the world
couldn't mend it. I took a step forward and then retreated. In no way was this my place. She would take me for a
gloater because she couldn't see past my past. I was a vile evil thing to her. I shadowed her home.
At least I could protect her in this state because she couldn't defend herself in that condition. I stayed
outside as she went inside. Good job Spike. You destroyed your only love because you couldn't have her so no one
would. I'm a piece of shit. But a piece of shit that would try to fix this. Maybe I couldn't bring him back from the
jungle but I could love her the way he loved her because I have nothing else to lose.