The thing Annabeth Chase marks her years by is how much dread she has.
How much the worry increases as she ages, how much the feeling in the pit of her stomach solidifies, and how much she feels like a coward when they need her.
It's not the happiest thing.
i.
The first time she remembers that feeling, she is staring at the new boy who has come to camp, as the green symbol glows over his head. She remembers what she has read, about the prophecy, and can't help but wince at the fact that this boy, this young boy, only has 4 more years left to live before it all comes crashing down. Only a little bit of time before everything shatters in his fingertips.
And although she hardly knows the boy, just the faintest remembrance of his name fluttering at the edges of her memory, she resolves, right there and then, that she will do everything possible in the world, to make sure that he is safe and that he is protected. Because he will save them all. And even though this boy, if the symbol floating above his head is anything to go by, is destined to be her mortal enemy, he is destined to fight a far worse enemy, and she knows, no matter what, that she will help him, no matter the cost.
ii.
The next time the feeling reappears, they're in the back of a van, animals crowded around them, the smell almost overpowering in its potency. She closes her eyes and lies down, ignoring his questioning and surprised look. She knows, she knows that she shouldn't do this, shouldn't be friends with him, when all it will bring is heartbreak in the end. Heartbreak for being with this boy, yes, being friends with him, but she also knows he makes her feel this more intensely than anyone else had before.
The feeling is a little heavier in her stomach, and she knows that being friends with him, loving him like that, is too dangerous. And the creeping dread consumes her thoughts for the rest of the night.
iii.
The next time the feeling appears, she is still fresh-faced and young, and stares at him on the boat on the thickening sea, foam spraying up and over onto the deck. She's come so close to losing him, to never seeing him again, and the worry has becoming even worse. Now, every time she looks at him, into those green eyes, she thinks of almost nothing else, except for the inevitability of her losing his. The feeling in her stomach grows a little more painful, and a little colder, the cold hands creeping around her soul and squeezing it, sending shivers throughout her body.
But then he smiles, and says something stupid, and for a moment, she is able to breath just a little better, just a tad easier, because right here, and right now, this boy is her best friend, and this boy is still alive.
iv.
The next time, she is stuck holding up the sky as tears stream down her face, her hair dirty and ragged. She can't, she won't ever forgive herself if he comes for her, and dies, and she knows that he will. She knows this, because she would to the same thing and so much more for him. She when the weight is lifted off her, and she is forced to watch him take it for a goddess, the only thing that hurts more than her pain is the simple idea of losing him again.
How can she ever manage to face him like this, fear consuming her every idea, the simple thought of not being with him driving her crazy? This boy is so much more than just her best friend. He is her partner, her rock, and she knows that just as he makes he better, she makes him better. It's a little painful, but he is worth every bit of the pain, and so much more. And she will always fight by his side.
v.
This is the first time the dread takes on another meaning. Now it's not only the dread of losing him to a prophecy she can't ever hope to prevent. It's the dread of losing him to the girl with curls and red hair, green eyes and freckles. She has always felt secure, always felt safe in their friendship. And with that, that in jeopardy too, she's not sure how much more she can take.
She is just a plaything for the Fates to taunt, another helpless demigod for them to laugh at, cackling in her situation.
God, Aphrodite must hate her. Now, it's not just pining over her best friend. It's pining over the boy she knows she can never have, the boy who she knows she loves, even at just fourteen. But she also knows that if she tells him she loves him, she'll start crying a year from now, when she loses him to a few rhyming words spoken 70 years ago. She'll lose him even more. And she can already feels like she's losing him to someone else. She feel likes he's already gone, even though the years have blurred by and there's still just one more left for her to suffer though. To worry incessantly about her best friend.
But he is always worth the pain.
vi.
This is the last time, she knows. The last time she will feel like this, because these are the last moments where she can feel like she can lose him. She is now less young, but still just a teenager. Still supposed to live out the rest of her life. But age doesn't define demigods. If she was as old as the things she had seen, she would not be alive, for she has seen horrors and witnessed more than one should ever do in a single lifetime. The feeling has now wrapped its cold tentacles around her heart, invaded her head, claimed her soul, and everyday, her mind is filled with thoughts about him, thoughts for him.
When they claim she is a hero, she wants to laugh. A hero? She is nothing more than the cowardly girl fated to live and lie, the cowardly girl who she knows she is better than, the cowardly girl who is too afraid to handle the heartbreak after she loses him, the heartbreak that comes before when he rejects her, and the heartbreak that comes after when he is gone.
The other boy, with the blonde hair and the blue eyes, never made her feel like this. Never made this feeling so strong. But she knows that is a good thing. Because loving only one person like this, it takes more out of her than she can ever fathom, enough energy to last a lifetime. Because losing bhim? That's painful enough.
But loving him? As Aphrodite would tell you, that just made it worse.
vii.
There has not been many moments in her life when the feeling as gone away. It did, for a few months, after she confessed once he survived. And knowing he was right there by her side, made the feeling shrink a little, made the cold worry turn a little warmer and melt away. Made the feeling a little better.
Then he had disappeared, and everything had crumbled before her eyes, and the feeling had returned once more. And then she had found him once again, but this time, the feeling didn't go away. It was just directed at more than one person now. Now she worries about everyone on this boat, even those who she doesn't know that well. Because if they are destined to fight together, then by gods, she will worry about them. She will worry about every single one of her friends until the day she dies.
But the feeling now, returns in full force, at the last bit of sunlight she has seen in a while turns smaller and smaller, as she falls into the blackness with her love, with her other half. And she can only hope, with him, that soon, the feeling will be gone.
Even if she has to die to make that happen.
viii.
An older, wiser Annabeth Chase does not mark her years by that feeling anymore. Instead, she marks it by people, the moment when she met her first friends, the moment where her friend became her best friend, the moment in which she knew he loved her, and the moment in which she makes another family.
Because, as this Annabeth Chase knows, having that feeling of dread in your stomach only means you've got something so good you'll do anything it takes to protect it.