A/N Hello, and welcome to chapter one of Devils and Devilry!
This is a sequel to my series four companion fic, Prophecies and Properness, where I mocked every episode (well, apart from episode eight, which still haunts my completist side to this day) of series four. So, for the next six weeks, here's what'll be happening here:
I watch the new episode on Sunday night, and hopefully, so do you. Then, the next day, I write another chapter concerning the week's episode, with funny (I can hope), sarcastic and completely biased letters to the characters, the three heroes and one loser of the episode, a really deep moral lesson I learnt from the episode, a sarcastic recap of last week, a prediction for the next episode and some musings.
There'll be six chapter for each episode of series five, plus a summary chapter at the end, posted every Monday evening (if possible). Really, really huge spoilers lie below.
You might want to wear a helmet, because this will blow your mind (I'm so sorry. I'll never make that joke again). I don't own Being Human.
So, with that pre-amble over, here's Episode One, 'The Trinity'!
PREVIOUSLY ON BEING HUMAN
After Mitchell was killed by George, Nina was killed by vampires and George was killed by a poster of the moon (well, if you think about it), only Annie the eternally cheerful ghost with reverse trust issues remained. Meanwhile, Tom the werewolf came to stay, followed by everyone's favourite OCD vampire, Hal.
They all went on some magical adventures, involving vampires who want to murder a baby, a psychopathic ghost with terrifying dance moves, the pairing of a teenage sex-pest vampire and a forty-something succubus, a vampire who wanted to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, Cutler (need I say more?), and Mark Gatiss. Along the way, they picked up Scottish human-turned-ghost Alex, and Annie blew up a baby (did I mention the war child?), and went through her door.
When we left off, Hal was shouting abuse, strapped to a chair, in the living room of Honolulu Heights, and creepily posh suit Mr Rook showed up and nicked Alex's body.
HEROES AND LOSER
HEROES - 1. Tom - still chivalrous, still awesome, 2. Alex - Yes, she might have lost a brain cell or two when she let Crumb out, but that doesn't stop her being a BAMF, 3. Hal - Because I say so.
LOSER - Mr Rook. I'm sorry, but no matter how good your intentions are, nothing stops you being a huge creep. And also, he stabbed someone in the eye. With a pen. Come to think of it, isn't that what the Joker did?
MORAL OF THE EPISODE - Never let the Devil into your hotel. It'll end in tears.
MUSINGS
Wait a second, I thought Mr Rook could see Alex last series? Maybe he has a cold, or something.
I really should hate Crumb, but there's something weirdly adorable about his little superhero fantasies.
I never knew Toby Whithouse was in the government.
Did no one notice that door that was being held open by Alex at the end?
There are far better ways to use pens than THAT. Jesus, Dom.
And yet no-one realises that Captain Hatch is really pleased about the suicide. That's hotels for you.
He Will Rise? I'm sure they're talking about Tom there.
LETTERS
ONE - Well, it's nice to see you again. First things first, it's time to talk about topless you. I think it's safe to say that you have some slightly weird addiction to taking your top off. Congratulations on your really, really easy job interview, I'm sure that was exhausting. Let's just hope you realize that the Devil's in the kitchen, and he's set on turning you against your friend. I'm sure you'll realize in the finale one day.
And how's the bloodlust going? I'm assuming that you got your fix with Cram (like the runner, not like Crumb... the crumb), but you know... stay away from now on. Also, I apologise for my insensitivity (and terrible puns) about your bloodlust last year. I'm bloody sorry about that. I'll never bloody do it again, I promise.
PTS
TWO - Hello again! Long time no see. I see you've adjusted pretty nicely to the afterlife, after some understandable trauma. I'm sorry about Mr Rook - take it from me, he's the Creep of the Year and it's only February. On the bright side, now you're a ghost, you can pop up and piss him off anytime you like and he'll never know you were there. The perks of being a ghost. They never stop.
But sadly, you also made a major cock-up this week - letting Crumb/Cram out of the cellar. Did you really think that he wouldn't do anything apart from go and drink someone dry? Really? I think Annie was a little bit of a bad influence on you. Three words: reverse trust issues.
You're still awesome, though.
PTS
THREE - Welcome back! It's good to see you're still as chivalrous as you ever were, even if you might have got on Alex's nerves a little bit. Congrats on your new job, too, even if a general knowledge round was required. It might be to do with (and I speak as a fellow bloke) the fact that you look just a little bit like Woody from Toy Story.
And the same goes for you - avoid Cap'n Hatch, because, and this isn't a metaphor, believe me... he's the Devil. Watch out for that one, you don't want to start trusting him - and considering you believed that Cutler meant well (he meant well for the audience, but not exactly for you) last year, I really wouldn't put it past you. Sorry.
Stay frosty,
PTS
FOUR - To be honest, I'm a little worried writing this. It's not every day you write to the Antichrist. But you're in every episode, so I'm obliged to. So, here we go. Can I kindly ask you to stop asking people to commit suicide? It's not very nice, and you won't earn any friends this way - well, I'm not sure you could ever have friends, but that's not really the point, is it?
And even if you are the King of Evil, don't touch Hal and Tom's bromance. Kirby did it last year, and we all know what happened to him. I know that's your plan for world domination, but why not try another way? Making Tumblr crash would probably do the trick. It usually does.
And yes, I just laughed at the Devil. It probably means an awful lot of bad luck, but it's worth it.
PTS
FIVE - Hello there, you creep. I actually quite liked you when I first saw you, but now? Well, let's just say I don't. You might be a 'good guy' (the loosest definition of a good guy possible, but a good guy nonetheless), but you go about your good intentions in a very, very screwed up way.
Just curious - how many people have you stabbed in the eye? The office boss may have been a bit of an idiot, but honestly, did he deserve it? It does kind of make you wonder how many people you've killed, to be honest. Maybe imprisoning them would work, or showing them a few pictures of cats on the internet.
And I know where you learnt your eye-stabbing tricks from. Stop watching The Dark Knight, the Joker's a bad influence on you.
PTS
SIX - And finally, we have you. I've got to say, I think you might be the next Cutler - don't worry about him, he's dead (sob). Yes, you drank a man dry - well, Gavin had it coming, look at his hair and tell me he didn't deserve to die - but you're still weirdly cute, like a six-year announcing that they want to be a fairy when they're older. I'm sorry, that was below me.
PTS
QUICK REVIEW - Yes, I really liked it. Phil Davis is awesome.
PREDICTION FOR NEXT EPISODE - Alex will discover a creepy Victorian child haunting Honolulu Heights, who'll generally be a bit of a pain. He'll have been sent by the men with sticks and rope, who'll finally appear (I saw plenty of rope in the trailer) to try and drag Alex through to the afterlife (she probably broke the rules somehow).
Meanwhile, Tom and Hal will compete for Employee of the Month at the hotel, which'll escalate until they're all out fighting each other (not again!). Meanwhile, Captain Hatch will have a field day with all the fighting, and will finally get out of his wheelchair. And yes, these are barmy.
So, that's it for this week. Please review - positive reviews are great, but any tips or constructive criticism are very welcome, because I'm still several hundred miles north of perfect, and any tips will result in better chapters for you. Requests for new sections/things you want mentioned are also welcome.
The chapter for episode two, 'Sticks and Rope', will be uploaded on Monday 11 February.
PTS out.