A/N: I am pissed. And I think I may be even more for the next few episodes. More than pissed, I'm hurting for Alex. I've been there, I know how he's feeling right now and I don't want him to feel like that.
You know what kills me? To remember what he said to Meredith, that for the first time of his life he felt that he had something to offer. For the first time, are you kidding me? I remember this line and there's only one thing that matters: Alex needs to know that he could've won, that there's nothing Bailey can offer and he couldn't. I care more about him knowing that than about him actually getting something. I want him to know that he doesn't need the hospital, they need him, because he is freaking amazing and he can do whatever he wants to. This is why I wrote this story. It's a selfish attempt to make myself feel better by imagining a scenario where he comes to realize that.
Sorry for the rambling, I don't know why, but I felt that I should explain. I hope you guys like it. I didn't have time to proofread it, because I finished to write on the bus, and when I got home, it was almost time of the episode, sorry for that too. Please, tell me what you think.
Disclaimer: The only thing that I own is my irrational love for a screwed up person that doesn't really exists.
"Congratulations", Alex said to a confused doctor Bailey as he got out of the Conference Room. As if she didn't knew. As if he ever stood a chance against her. As if she even considered him as an actual threat. What was he thinking? Of course he would never win this thing. He, of all people. He, the most screwed up person to walk through those halls. Truth being said, he could consider it a miracle that, in his middle thirties, he had a pretty decent life - at least, he could say that before he lost his job. Now, he wasn't even sure that he still had the shares Yang had left for him. They probably could find a way of taking that too.
Mad at himself and at the whole world, Alex walked fast to reach the stairs, noticing with the corner of his eyes that he'd passed by his girlfriend and she was coming after him. He didn't slow his pace, though. He couldn't talk to anyone in that moment, not even Jo. When she reached him, he was already in the parking lot, taking his keys from his pocket.
"Alex, wait!" Jo called, when he refused to acknowledge the sound of her steps a few feet behind him. He turned back, annoyed. He loved Jo with all his heart, but sometimes she was a little too persistent. She still had to learn when to push him and when to leave him alone, which wasn't that easy, since he probably didn't know either.
"What?" He asked, facing her.
"Talk to me. What happened?" Jo questioned, with a preoccupied look in her eyes.
Alex shrugged. "There's nothing to talk about. I didn't get the seat. And I don't have a job."
He turned his back to her again and started to open the door, when he felt Jo's hand on his arm. "Alex, I'm so sorry! For the seat and for your job with Lebackes. I still feel bad that I talked to Pierce..." She said, her eyes looking like full of tears.
Freeing himself from her hands, he entered the car and said the first words that came to his mouth. "Yeah, you should."
As he drove outside the hospital area, Alex could see Jo's face, her eyes still following him. Great! Now he had managed to hurt the person he cared most. That was his thing: hurt people to share his pain. But the funny thing was that he no longer felt good doing that, seeing that other people were as hurt as himself. He felt like crap. More like crap than he was feeling before.
Trying to take his mind from entering that black hole full of shit, he pondered about where to go. He could go to Joe's, but the last thing he wanted was meeting someone from the hospital. He could go to another bar. Or he could go directly home.
"Home." He decided, hoping that Meredith wouldn't show up there; he wasn't in the mood for her dramas, she had to understand that.
He entered the silent, dark, big house, knowing that he would spend most of his time alone in there the following days. He and a computer, looking for a new job. Maybe, studying - it wouldn't hurt to have more to show when he had to sell himself in an interview. Probably, thinking about all those things he could do if he was on the board. All those things he could do if he had the money and the right resources.
Well, in that moment, the only thing he wanted to do was drinking a beer. He drank two before realizing that he hadn't eaten anything substantial since breakfast, and his stomach was starting to complain. He ate the leftovers of the mac and cheese Jo had the day before and decided to go to bed. He wouldn't die if he waited another day to think about what he could do with his life now. He probably wouldn't have many options, anyway. No job searching, no talking to anyone, no making any decisions. A rest was what he needed.
He tried. Tossing and turning in the bed, Alex couldn't sleep for two more hours. His stomach ached, and not only because of his bad eating habits, he was still mad and also feeling guilty for what he'd said to Jo earlier. He looked at the clock; she should be home already.
He waited twenty more minutes until he heard her footsteps climbing the stairs. Not knowing exactly how to talk to her, Alex just stayed on his bed, staring at the ceiling.
Slowly, Jo entered the room. Without a word, she put her purse on the armchair and walked towards the bathroom.
"Hey," Alex said, as she passed by him.
"Hi," she responded, with a tone Alex hadn't heard many times since they met.
He sighed at her cold response. What had he done? Wasn't it enough that he managed to lose two jobs in two days? He had to lose his girlfriend too?
No. He knew how painful and unfair it was to be blamed for something he didn't do. He wasn't willing to mess things up with Jo. He had done that more than once before, but not now. Not with her.
He lift himself to sit on the bed. "Jo..." He called, as she was about to enter the bathroom.
She turned around and looked at him. "Yes?"
Alex rubbed his face before facing her. Her face was lacking the smile that he loved so much and her eyes still showed pain. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry for what I said before," he watched as her face softened only a bit, while he searched for the words to continue. "It's not your fault, you should not feel guilty, and that was mean."
Jo closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Fine," she said.
"Fine?" Alex asked, intrigued. That was way too easy. "You sure?"
She nodded. "Yeah," she answered, her voice on a pit higher than usual.
He wasn't convinced. "Okay..." he said, slowly, deciding his next move. "So, if it wasn't fine, you would tell me, wouldn't you?"
"Yeah, sure!" She stated, but she wasn't finished. She tapped her nails on the door frame and bite her lower lip for two seconds. "Fine! It's not fine."
Alex furrowed. He was almost believing that it was. "It's not?"
Jo walked the few steps from the bathroom door and came to sit on the bed. "No, it's not. You apologized for what you said and I accept your apology, but, well, I wasn't mad about that."
"But you were mad." Alex said, with an interrogative tone.
"Yes, I was. Maybe I still am," she made a pause, during which he tried to find out what he'd done wrong. "What you said was just the last straw. I was mad because... Well..." She paused again, thinking. "Alex, we barely see each other lately. Since you started to work with Lebackes, and I started my third year, and there was the fact that I thought I was gonna be fired... Then Yang left and we kept working our asses of, except that now every free time you have, you spend with Meredith Grey. She kicked me out of bed, she watched you showering, she monopolized you and you didn't do anything about it."
Alex closed his eyes and shook his head. He couldn't believe that Meredith was the problem. "Are you... jealous? Of Meredith?" He asked. "You know she's like my sister, right? That nothing could happen between us. It's disgusting."
"Yeah?" Jo raised an eyebrow to him. "I said something like that about you once, and... ops!" Alex rolled his eyes. That was NOT the same thing. He was friends with Meredith for seven years and nothing ever happened. With Jo things were completely different, he slowly fell in love with her while thinking that they were only friends. Jo continued. "But that's not my point. I'm not afraid that you'll sleep with her or whatever and, just to be clear, I'm not asking that you stop being her friend either. I'm just saying that... I don't know, Alex. She's not the only one that needs you. I need you too and I want to be here for you. She couldn't even help you with your speech, for God's sake! Also, I don't like being kicked out of bed, treated like I'm just the skank of the night and-"
Alex stopped her. "Hey! You're not a skank!" That conversation was making him uncomfortable. Didn't she know already how important she was for him?
"I know, Alex," she reassured him. "And that's why I don't want to be treated like I was. Grey can boss me around however she wants while we're at the hospital, but she can't ignore the fact that we are in a serious relationship and she can't keep coming here acting like everyone's lives have to revolve around hers."
Alex took a deep breath. Jo was right, Meredith could be really selfish sometimes and she wasn't treating his girlfriend well. "Fine," he said. "I shouldn't have allowed her treat you like that. I'm going to talk to her. Or not. I don't feel like talking to her or anyone on that board so soon. Can you forgive me... again?" He looked at her, his eyes wide open, anxious for her response. He wasn't sure if that apology was enough, but his searching for better words didn't succeed. He was counting on Jo to understanding what he wasn't saying, as she usually did.
Slowly, Jo's lips curved in a sweet smile and Alex realized he had been holding his breath. "Yes, I can."
He smiled too. He didn't know why he had to push her every time he was in a bad place, when she was the only one who could make him feel better. "Thanks."
Jo came closer and touched his lips with hers. Then, they sat side by side in the bed, their backs against the wall and Alex's right arm holding her.
"I'm sorry for bringing this topic now. I know you had a tough day..." Jo said, looking into his eyes.
"Don't worry," he replied. "I deserved it."
She let out a sad snort. "Yes, you did," she said, making a short pause to cup his face with her hand and guarantee his full attention. "You know what else you deserved? The board seat. I hope you know that it's their loss, not yours."
Her words had a serious tone that Alex couldn't ignore. She really meant it. She really thought that he was good enough for the board. Part of him felt even worse hearing that, he hated to disappoint the few people that believed in him.
"I don't know why I even thought I had a chance..." He said, causing her to wide open her eyes in surprise.
"Why not?" She asked.
"Because she is Bailey and I am... me. That's why." He would never be Bailey. Period. What's the point of even trying?
Jo shook her head. "Yeah, that doesn't explain anything."
He sighed and tried to explain it better. "It does. She is Bailey, the Nazi, the heart of the hospital, Webber's protégée, she is like freaking Jesus. And I'm only her former entitled, selfish intern, who was lucky to get into one the best hospitals in the country."
"You are kidding, right?" Jo asked, chuckling. Then, she dropped the smile and became serious again. "Oh my god, you're not. You trully believe that. Alex..."
Alex was trying not to say something stupid to upset her again, but he was starting to feel irritated. She didn't know the whole story, she only knew him where he was now. Fortunately, she never saw how many times he almost failed and how hard it was for him to keep going. "Look... you've only been here for two years-"
He cut him, raising her voice and throwing her hands in the air. "Exactly! This shouldn't be past Bailey against past Karev, this should be about who you two are now. You may have gone for a rougher path, but now, I know for a fact you are, to say the least, as good as she is."
Alex was surprised by that response. He'd never thought about that, and he wasn't sure he wanted to. "Whatever," he dismissed, hoping that she would drop the subject. She didn't.
"You know that Stephanie was surprised when I told her that Bailey won?" Jo asked.
"She was?" Alex asked back. It was one thing that his girlfriend thought he had a chance, but Edwards was a whole new story.
"Yes, she was. She said she was sure that you'd win, because Bailey didn't even prepare her speech. Like me, Steph can't see whatever mistake you may have done in the past, she only sees two attendings on the same level." Jo stated, firmly.
Alex dismissed her again. There was no point in keep discussing that, right? "Not that any of this matters anymore."
Jo took a deep breath, before turning all her body to face him and saying seriously. "It matters, Alex, can't you see?" She made a pause, in which he thought he should say something, but he had no idea what, so he just shrugged, and she continued, talking slowly, like a kindergarten teacher. "If you start looking for a job thinking so little of yourself, whatever you go, people will continue to underestimate you, and I can't let this happen when I've seen so much of you and learned so much from you for the past two years."
In that moment, despite everything that happened the latest week, Alex felt grateful. Jo was more than he ever wanted, much better than he could possibly imagine. A few years before, if someone told him that he could have this kind of relationship, he wouldn't believe he deserved it, and there they were. Looking at his wonderful girlfriend, Alex realized that she was probably right. Maybe he was good enough to achieve greater things on his professional life too.
Struggling with the right words to express his feelings, Alex reached for Jo's face and put all his overwhelming emotions into a deep and passionate kiss. As Jo reciprocated, things got deeper and deeper quickly and they wouldn't have stopped if it wasn't for his cellphone vibrating somewhere in he bed. Alex broke the kiss, ready to not only deny the call, but also turn that thing off - after all, he was sure it was Meredith, like in the last five times. It was Cristina.
"Hi!" Said the woman's voice on the other side of the line. He looked at the clock; shouldn't she be sleeping right now? It was five in the morning in Zurich.
"Hi," Alex replied. Jo looked at him intrigued, mouthing a "Did something happen?" to which he couldn't answer yet. "What do you want? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, thanks. I'm sorry about the board seat. Meredith called." She said, going directly to the point, very Yang style. Knowing that this was the reason why she was calling, he put the phone on the speaker, between Jo and him in the bed.
"Did she wake you up only to tell you that?" Alex snorted. Those two could be really weird at times.
"Well, not exactly," Yang said. "She woke me up because she needed to talk and you weren't answering your phones. A little reckless of you, but I respect that." Hearing that, Jo put her hand on her mouth, so Cristina couldn't hear her quick laugh. "That sucks that I don't have the right of giving my seat to whoever I think will represent me better, isn't it?" She stressed the word "my", and Alex noticed how Cristina Yang always had a way to make things about herself, even when she was being a true friend to him. "Anyway... Maybe it's for the best. I fired my chief of Pediatrics the day after I got here - his ego was too high and-"
Alex interrupted her for the first time. "And there's only place for one ego in your hospital, right?"
Jo slapped his arm, but Yang didn't seem to be bothered. "Exactly. And that's why I thought about you. You're probably as good as him, but you don't know that, so you'd be perfect." Alex rolled his eyes as Jo raised an eyebrow to him. Cristina continued. "I wanted to call you right away, but I knew you wouldn't want to come, since you had your making-buttholes-for-a-living thing and the seat that I left. But now you don't have anything holding you there, do you?" Alex looked at Jo and was about to say that, yes, he had, but she stopped him herself and made him listen. "I mean, you have Hairball, but she can come too. Our priority is cardio, but we have a whole hospital machine working, I'm sure I can place her. And you can always go back, as long as you hire someone for me, because I really hate doing that."
She stopped and Alex realized that it was his turn to say something, though he didn't say anything. It could be a great opportunity, but he couldn't just accept a job in another continent, he barely knew which language they spoke there. Plus, he had to discuss this with Jo, who was just staring at him. After a few seconds, Cristina spoke again. "Alex? Are you still there? You don't have to answer right now, you can think or talk to your girlfriend or whatever, just call me when you decide, I'm not gonna fill the position for the next few days, anyway. Mer said that Robbins may offer you her position as the head of Peds, I just wanted to make my offer first. Bye!"
She hung up from the call that seemed more like a voicemail, and Alex stayed there, looking to the screen, without knowing what to do. One day, he had a job and the chance of being on the board of GSMH; the other, he had no job and no seat. But then, his phone rang and he had an offer and a clue that he might get another one, both great.
Still speechless, he looked at Jo, who was staring at him with a hint of a smile. "What should I do?" He asked.
She took his hand into hers, and caressed it with her thumb. "You choose. You can go to Zurich, you can wait for Robbins's offer or you can deny both and do whatever the hell you want. I told you you were great, didn't I?"
And, this time, he believed.