Dear friend,
Did you ever care about someone more than you should have?
So much that it ended up hurting you more than it hurt them?
I guess that's a stupid question,
Seeing as you answered it the last time I saw you.
Dear student,
Did you actually read my writings the day you asked for them?
Did you just flip through it like the things we got in class?
Or did you actually see what was in front of you?
Is it what made you so scared so suddenly?
Dear sweetheart,
Did you know I fell in love with you?
If you didn't, it's okay,
I had just barely realized when it was definitely too late,
It's the only time I ever do really.
Dear lover,
When you look at her do you ever see me?
Sometimes when he talks to me the way you used to,
His eyes flash that chocolate brown for a second before going blue again,
And I try to forget about it, but I don't.
Dear college graduate,
I haven't seen you in four years now,
I still think of you though,
Do you still think of me?
Do you ever start to write back?
Dear husband of another,
I heard you got married,
Did you get that honeymoon in Hawaii you wanted?
I heard from a friend that your first dance was incredibly tacky,
To a song you claimed to hate yourself.
Dear lawyer,
It's ironic that you told me to go to law school, isn't it?
That I'm the one suffering for my art while you do paperwork,
I am happy though, even without you,
I hope you're still carefree and light too, even in your stuffy firm.
Dear new father,
I can't believe you got a girl first when I have a boy,
If she has your brown eyes it will kill me,
Mine has them, although they obviously aren't yours,
He's talking now…I almost wish he would stop.
Dear happily married,
I kicked my fiancée out today,
While our son was at school,
I'm just grateful I never liked the prospect of marriage,
Then I'd be sad and he'd have half my money.
Dear in-love-with-his-wife,
She called me last week to threaten me within an inch of my life,
After you get this tell her she's a twig and I'm never going to be afraid of her,
I will stop these scattered notes about my life though,
I do love you though, and you'll always be around even in your absence.
Dear vacationing at the house in upstate New York,
I know I promised I'd stop but I have something too important not to share,
I have been diagnosed with brain cancer, it's funny it shows up in my favorite organ,
I don't know if you'd be willing to see me, or if she'd let you,
It would just mean a lot to be able to say goodbye.
Dear dead-and-buried,
She burned the note, not that it matters I've divorced her now…But it does, because I didn't know about you. I guess it serves me right, trying to ignore what I felt for you all these years.
I love you though, always have, always will.
I'm so sorry, Lilly. You have no idea, and you never will because of what an idiot I am. I know you would have forgiven me if I'd come to you. You shouldn't have, I was never good enough for you. That's one of the reasons I used to convince myself not to see you, that I wasn't good enough for you. It didn't really matter though, not to you. I haven't been happy since that last week when we were eighteen. When we drove all night to Six Flags with Miley, playing I Never and trying to throw peanut butter M&Ms into each others' mouths. And then playing truth or dare with you when she fell asleep in the backseat.
I'm so much worse than you, Lils. I didn't even realize too late, I knew before our stupid fight. I knew when Yellow by Coldplay came on the radio. I looked at you, and your beautiful blond hair. I watched it blow a little because the AC was on so high. And you turned your head up sleepily, those haunting blue eyes meeting mine. And I knew. I should have said something then, but I lost everything instead.
I started that fight, right before Christmas, because I was afraid of what I felt. I was afraid of looking at you again and not being able to kiss you. I can't believe I've never kissed you. And I could have.
She doesn't have my eyes, which should put your heavy soul to rest. She doesn't have anything of mine, because she's not my daughter. I think I knew years ago, I just ignored it out of fear that it would lead me back to you. You're the reason I never got high, why I never got drunk, I was afraid that the influence of certain substances would bring out the more rational part of me. The one that's always known I have to go after you. I almost got there once. I was only a few towns away when I stopped at a diner for some coffee and pancakes. I saw this couple arguing and she was crying, ran out away from him. I couldn't let that be us.
I'm going to apologize again because I'm about to do something you aren't going to like. No I'm not going to make an inappropriate joke, and I'm not going to go fuck some skank, or god forbid Miley, I'm not going to drink myself into a coma. Jeesh Lilly, stop guessing. I'm gonna lose my nerve.
I'm going to kill myself.
Don't worry, I left notes for Miles, Jake, and Jackson.
If I end up in the other place, where I really belong, then I'm sorry you never got your kiss. If not, I'll see you soon. My soul mate, my princess, my skater girl.
Yours,
Smoken Oliver Oken
P. S. I love you, I just had to say it one more time.
AN: Very morbid, I know. I just started writing it. And it turned out this way.