How The Cullen's Met Their Doom

A\N: This is very random, and I don't mean to insult anyone here. Even you Team Edward members who'll flame me (which'll be kinda cool… never gotten flamed before). I have nothing against vegetarians, so sorry for the metaphor as it's not meant to be insulting. Yes, this is Twilight-bashing, but it's just for fun, ok? I'm not meaning to be ugly, just funny.

I don't know why the Cullen's were in Alagaesia, or how they got there. They just showed up one day in full soap-opera glory, sparkling like a disco ball on something not entirely legal. The way I figure it, sparklepires are kind of like cockroaches.

Edward with the bronze hair, the "oh, so perfect looks" and seriously strange stalker tendencies, sparkled broodily. Unlike regular vampires, this freak of something-worse-than-death isn't a creature of the night- No, Edward is a creeper of the twilight.

In another life, he would have been a fat man, or a very sad skinny man. Why? Because he falls in love with food he's not supposed to eat. If he were human, his whole epic love story would have been a lot different. Edward and his "family" (A.K.A. a cult of vegetarians) are health freaks, but one day, Edward smells a burrito that he feels he can't live without. Not wanting to break his families rules he obsesses over it, eventually he starts watching it just lie there. After someone else (James) takes a bite of said burrito, Edward kills him. Then, a lot of drama occurs. He marries the burrito (which had grown moldy being a burrito and all) and somehow the couple have a daughter they name Nessie, who is apparently half-vegetarian (A.K.A. A taco with lettuce).

Bella is the burrito, enough said.

Emmet and Rosalie are pretty much the quarterback and the cheerleader. With serious glitter issues of course.

Carlisle is a doctor (but not the Doctor), and Esme is too much of a boring background character to get into.

Alice was nearly okay, she and Jasper were tolerable, but they were also sparklepires so- As I said earlier, COCKAROACH EFFECT!

So, the Cullens, (Vegetable-Stalker, Burrito, Taco, Quarterback, ect and sparkles), were standing right in the middle of the Varden camp, seriously freaking people out. The angst was so thick you could cut it with a knife (which a witch did). The Varden complained to Nasuada, who immediately handed it off to Eragon and Sapphira.

"How can we ever deal with that?" Eragon asked the blue dragon, disgusted.

Sapphira just started laugh at the ridiculousness. Then she sneezed.

After the smoke cleared, the Cullen's were gone. After further inspection, they found random glitter around the area. The sparklepires were dead and the worlds celebrated.

…

Occasionally members of the infamous "Team Edward" were found. They were worrisome but as Meowth of Team Rocket (The had followed the wrong 'ash'; turns out just because a village burnt down and was full of ash, it didn't mean there were an abundance of Pikachus!) had pointed out, Team Edward wasn't even a real team!

…

Angela had a jar filled with the most frightening substance ever created; even she was wary of it. However, it would win the war.

She had Arya transport the jar right to King Galbatorix's feet and waited for the screaming.

It was loud.

Turns out a slice of meaningless drama is hazardous to your health.

A\N: So? What do you think? Since I'm not the creeper of twilight, I can't read your mind so you'll have to write it in a review. I know some of this is complete nonsense, and random, but hey- I did warn you. I got the idea of Saphira sneezing the Cullen's out of existence off of some list thing, unfortunately I can't remember which one but thank you who ever thought of it and I hope you don't might me illustrating how. Everything else is my own craziness.

Thank you all for reading this and I look forward to hearing your opinions.