Author's Note: Hello everyone! It's good to be back with another new fic! Sorry for the hiatus but I promised myself that I would get used to my new job first before I went back to writing on here. As always, I kept my promise. Updates to stories may be slower now, but fret not my friends: I will never stop writing. Your reviews are always welcome and appreciated. Enjoy the story, and thank you all for being so patient with me.
Diana sat in her darkened room, staring out the window. The rain pounding against the glass was a comforting sound. It was always a sound that brought her tranquility. The peacefulness of the rain was in stark contrast to the inner turmoil that was tearing her apart inside.
Today she had been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's.
She'd stayed strong while her son was there, but now that he was gone, she had allowed herself to break. She had cried and cried, destroying parts of her room in a fit of rage. She cursed God, screaming herself hoarse as she asked him over and over why this was happening to her. She had already suffered so much- her schizophrenia taking her sanity away, her husband leaving her to raise her son alone, her son putting her in this institution, and now this?! What had she done to deserve this?
Now, as she stared vacantly out the window, watching rain drops splash on the glass, her anger had subsided, only to be replaced by a lonely, hollow sensation. Even though her schizophrenia was horrible, she had always had the reassurance that she would come back from her delusions. But there was no coming back from this. Her periods of lucidity would grow shorter and shorter until they were nonexistent. She would forget everything- her career, her friends, her family- her entire life would be gone, and she wouldn't even know it.
It was in one way an ironic twist of fate. For years after her husband left she'd prayed to forget about the whole thing. What led to it, the incident itself, and the resulting aftermath- everything. Now it seemed that God was granting her prayers in a sadistic way.
And what was worse, now she wished she could take it all back.
In the wake of the horrible news came a profound revelation. Every piece of her life- good, bad, and ugly- was important in the puzzle that was her. Every event and choice made her who she was now. She thought about how much time she'd wasted being angry at her husband, her illness, and her living situation. All of that anger was useless to her now. It had only served to waste her energy.
Now, sitting there in her tear stained nightgown, she realized that she didn't want to forget.
She didn't want to forget about her early days with her family. She didn't want to forget the moment during her wedding day when she realized she wasn't alone anymore. She didn't want to forget holding her son for the first time, or the look of pride on her husband's face as he held him. She didn't want to forget the scent of William's cologne as he kissed her goodbye in the morning. She didn't want to forget the feeling of his body pressed against hers. She didn't want to forget forget her husband. She didn't want to forget her son.
She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them as she pressed her forehead against the cool glass. The question still remained: what was she going to do now? The illness was going to eat away at her until she was just a shell, not knowing who she was- or who she used to be. She longed for Someone to comfort her, but no one was there. She was alone. Completely alone.
A drop of water hit her bare arm, and for a moment she thought the window was open or the roof was leaking. It took her a moment to realize that she was crying again. She didn't bother to wipe the tears away. She just let them flow. She thought about writing it all down in her journals, giving herself something to read when she didn't have an identity, but realized that she just didn't have the energy anymore. It was taking all her strength to fight against the threat of her mind leaving her at any time, and she could spare none for writing. Not now, at least.
She didn't know how long she sat there, staring out the window, but at some point she crawled into bed and fell asleep, the thought of not wanting to forget lodged firmly in her mind.
The next morning came slowly. She woke up to rays of sunshine pouring through the window. Any evidence of last night's rainstorm was wiped clean. Diana dragged herself out of bed and into the bathroom. She used the bathroom, but froze when she saw her reflection in the mirror.
The woman in the mirror seemed to have some quality that she didn't. She just couldn't pinpoint what it was. Her mind started to fret about the day the woman in the mirror became a stranger to her. She pushed the thought aside. There was no use in worrying more. She had to focus on enjoying every moment of lucidity while she could. Avoiding her reflection, she washed and dried her hands before scurrying off to take her medication. After that she took a shower and got dressed before heading to the cafeteria to eat something. She absently stood in line for her food, not paying attention to what was put on her plate as she contemplated her situation.
All through breakfast the words "don't forget" stayed in her mind, glowing like neon. There had to be something she could do to rectify this feeling, but nothing came to mind. It wasn't until she saw the scrambled eggs on her plate that something stirred in her. Scrambled eggs had always been William's favorite. For the first time since receiving the news that she worried over him. What would he think of this? Would he even care? She stopped herself for a minute. He wouldn't even know if she didn't tell him herself. Did she even want to do that? The words "don't forget" blared again in her mind, easily solidifying her decision.
He had to know. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she didn't.
Although she had decided to make the call she couldn't help pushing it off. Every time the phone was free she clammed up. It wasn't until noon that she finally worked up her nerve. It had been years but she still remembered the number to the firm he worked at. She walked up to the phone and dialed the once familiar number with trembling fingers. The phone began to ring until finally, someone answered.
"You've reached the Kierschenbaum, Wieder and Moore law firm, this is Megan, how can I help you?"
"My name is Diana Reid and William Reid is my Husband. I need to speak with him. It's an emergency."
"One moment please."
The seconds were endless, but eventually someone answered. Unfortunately it wasn't William. It was the receptionist again.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Reid is in a meeting right now. I can direct you to his voicemail if you'd like to leave a message, though."
"That would be great. Thank you."
"No problem."
His voice suddenly came over the line, and it jarred her heart to hear him.
"You've reached William Reid at the Kierschenbaum, Wieder and Moore law firm. I can't come to the phone right now but if you leave your name, number, and a detailed message I'll get back to you as soon as possible."
There was a beep. She sucked in a breath. Her voice was a tremulous falsetto when she spoke.
"William, it's me... I have something important I need to tell you. Please call me."
She gave the sanitarium's number and then hung up with a giant lump in her throat.
All day she sat in the day room, staring at the phone. She'd try and write in her journal or read an old book, but she just couldn't focus. She took her medications and begrudgingly ate her meals, but she couldn't bring herself to stray far from the phone. When she noticed the sun going down, her hope started to fade. Maybe he just didn't care. It wasn't too much of a leap. He wasn't obligated to her anymore. Maybe he couldn't be bothered with her problems. Despite herself, the thought stung her heart.
An orderly approached her, startling her from her depressing train of thought.
"Diana, you have a visitor."
For a second she thought that maybe Spencer had decided to not go back to DC, but then another thought hit her and she froze.
Could it be? She was about to find out.
William Reid walked into the room, still dressed in his black suit and tie. Diana was struck breathless at the sight of him. There weren't words for the tumult of emotions that were overtaking her mind. He stopped walking when he reached the couch where she sat.
"Hello Diana." He said. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound would come out. When it did, it was a whisper.
"What are you doing here?"
"I came to see you."
The five simple words were enough to awaken the long imprisoned hope of reunification that lay dormant within her heart.
"Why?"
"You sounded awful on the phone. I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I-" She stopped herself from saying the words "I'm fine", because it wasn't true. She didn't want to lead him on like that. She looked down at her hands that were clasped together in her lap. He sensed the change in her mood and gently placed his hand on hers.
"Diana," he said the word softly, and watched her look up at him. "What's going on?" He was imploring her to tell him with his pleading gaze. She tried to steel herself for his reaction, and took a deep breath and let it out.
"Spencer came to visit yesterday." She began.
"Is he alright?"
"He's fine. He thought there was something wrong so he had the lab run some tests and-" Her voice broke on the last word. She put a hand up to her mouth and looked away from him, trying to keep her composure. William gently moved to hold her hand in his own, squeezing it gently. She looked up at him with sparkling eyes, vulnerable and frightened.
"I have Alzheimer's, Will."
She watched the shocked look cross his face. No matter how many times she'd pictured the look on his face on the other end of the phone today, nothing prepared her for it. There was a subtle string of emotions that flashed through his eyes after, but they moved to quickly for her to name even one of them. Tears welled up in her eyes and before she could stop them they rolled down her cheeks.
"I'm going to lose it all. My friends, my family, my life, my self. Even Spencer and you. The schizophrenia was bad enough, but at least then I didn't lose my identity. Now I'm going to fail to remember everything. I spent so long wishing I could forget you, what happened to our family, what our son did to put me in here, but now that it's happening I... I realize that I don't want to forget."
William couldn't take it anymore and wrapped his arms around her tightly. For a fleeting moment it was like he'd never left their family. The two of them sat in silence for a long time, never moving or talking. Just taking in the other's presence. For Diana, he relieved the pressure and urgency of her situation. He gave her something to focus on and it helped to calm her down. Much to her surprise, he was the one to speak first. He moved to look into her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Diana. I'm so sorry."
"Don't." She whispered, stroking his cheek. "Don't do that to yourself. There's nothing you could have done."
"If I hadn't left then maybe-"
"What? You could have prevented this? Will, this disease is in my brain. It would have taken hold with or without you being there. Don't blame yourself for leaving. Please. It's old news. We don't need to dig up the past anymore. Let's just make the most of right now. Okay?"
He sighed. "Okay."
She smiled. "Thank you."
He nodded, turning his face away from her, unable to speak. He still loved her more than he could admit to anyone- even himself. The thought of losing her in this way broke his heart. She sensed his anguish and took his face into her hands, forcing him to look at her.
"Please don't let this guilt ruin our time together. It isn't worth it."
"Can you ever forgive me?" He asked quietly. Her features softened even more.
"There's nothing to forgive. The past is in the past. Let's just keep focused on the future." He stared at her in a way that made her shift uncomfortably. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Because you are my future."
The words catapulted her back in time to when they had first begun dating. He used to tell her that all the time whenever she felt insecure. She smiled at him, looking down at herself as she blushed. Tentatively, he reached out to stroke her cheek. She looked up at him, and their eyes locked in a moment of intensity. Before William even realized what he was doing, he tilted his head to one side and inched closer to his wife. She followed his lead and moments later their mouths met in a tender kiss.
When their lips parted they were both a little surprised. Neither of them had ever expected that to happen. For a minute they sat there, absorbing the shock of what had happened. When it passed, they were both embarrassed.
"I'm so sorry, I don't what came over me..." William apologized.
"I don't know either..." She said. She was quiet for a moment, and then added "but I liked it." She studied his face, trying to gauge a reaction out of him, but his expression was inscrutable until he smiled.
"So did I." He said. This time, he didn't hesitate to hold her hand. Maybe that old spark was still alive. A brief moment of silence passed between them, but it was enough time for William to make an important decision. He moved closer to his wife and held her hands in his own. "I made a mistake, Diana. I left you and our son, and it was the worst regret of my life. I left you to fight this battle alone. Well not anymore. You already dealt with your Schizophrenia alone. I promise you that I won't let you face this alone. Never again will I make such a foolish mistake. I love you, and I'm going to prove it to you. Just watch me." He swore. There were tears in her eyes at the end of his speech.
"You love me?" It was a hopeful whisper, almost too quiet to hear, but he heard her. "Do you mean it?" She whispered. He nodded.
"I've never meant anything more than that." He assured her quickly. The grin that swept across her face was breathtaking. This time when they kissed it felt more natural. Like when they were first married. William put his arm around her and she leaned her head on his shoulder.
They sat there, not talking for a long while. They didn't need words- the silence spoke louder than anything else. For just a little while they were in their own little world where there was nothing but peace. Time seemed to pass them by at an unprecedented rate, and soon visiting hours were coming to a close. It took an orderly barking at him to leave for William to finally move. She grabbed his hand, fearing that this might all be a delusion created by her mind.
"Don't go." She begged. He smiled at her.
"Don't worry. I'll be back tomorrow."
"You promise?"
He nodded. "I promise."
She hugged him once more and gave him one more kiss before letting him go. She watched him leave and wondered if it would be the last time she'd ever see him. She glanced over at the clock. It was time for her to take her medication. She busied herself with that before retiring to her room for the evening. She changed into her pajamas and brushed her teeth, stopping to stare at her reflection again. The woman in the mirror had had something she did not this morning. Now, after all that had happened today, she thought she knew what it was: hope. But now, staring at the woman reflected in the glass there was no disconnect between them. This was her, not a stranger anymore. Because now she had hope inside of her. Smiling to herself, she shut off the bathroom light and climbed into bed.
Despite the exhausting side effects of her medications, she was very much awake, replaying the day's events over and over again in her mind like a movie. Every touch, every kiss, every single moment was pored over. It was a memory she wanted to hold onto forever. A part of her thought she was dreaming already and that any second she would wake up and find out that none of it was real, but the time never came. Savoring those precious moments, she shut her eyes and slowly fell asleep.
She awoke far too early in the morning. The sky was still a lovely shade of pink with the sunrise. Which meant it was probably around six or seven in the morning. She tried her hardest to go back to sleep, but knew it was useless. She was awake. Hopelessly and completely awake. She went into the bathroom and decided to take a long bath in hopes of relaxing. Some lavender scented bubble bath would have been a true blessing at the moment, but it was a luxury she couldn't afford. So she sat back in the tub, her mind mulling over memories of William's visit yesterday. She hoped with all her might that it was real.
She decided to come out of her room around nine, and her day began as it normally did. She had breakfast, took her medications, and even met with her psychiatrist to discuss how her current medications were working for her. That ate up a chunk of her time, but not nearly enough. Time seemed to slow to a crawl just to thwart her. The hours ticked by slower than molasses, but it was moving. That was all she could ask for. She reread her books and wrote in her journal and replayed the night before over and over again as she waited for him to arrive.
When the clock struck six adrenaline pumped through her system. He would be getting off of work about now. She started rubbing her thighs as the anxiety began to set in. This was it. It was all going to come down to this one moment. One promise that could make twenty years of pain disappear. Her eyes were glued to the hall, as she tried to will him to come back to her.
Time, once a slow snail, was now as fast as a cheetah. Before she knew it, the clock read Seven. Her heart started to sink into her stomach. Maybe he wasn't coming after all. She looked down at her hands, fidgeting as she tried to tamp down the emotions that were strangling her heart.
"Diana?"
The word made her heart stop in her chest and her head shot up. There he was. There were no words to describe her relief or her joy. She stood up and walked over to him, still a little dazed.
"You came." She whispered as he wrapped his arms around her.
"I made you a promise and I intended to keep it." He assured her. She couldn't help the two tears that ran down her cheeks. He felt her tears seeping through his shirt and wanted to wipe them away, but couldn't bring himself to pull away from her. The need to protect her and keep her close was overwhelming. It was Diana who pulled away from him.
"I'm sorry." She said.
"For what?" He asked, wiping her tears away with his thumbs.
"I doubted you."
"It's okay. I understand." He said quickly, trying to cover up the sting of her words.
"I just can't believe that this is real..." She trailed off, looking into his eyes as she cupped his face in her hands.
"Believe it. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." He promised. She stilled at the mention of going anywhere. He noticed the change and reached for her. "What is it?"
"It's not you going anywhere I'm worried about. It's me. My mind has already been going away for years and now this is happening on top of it. I'm losing myself, Will. Slowly but surely the woman you fell in love with is going to fade away until she's just a memory. And then what will be left? A lost woman living in a fantasy world with no clue about who she is or used to be." Her voice broke on the last sentence. She tried to stay strong for herself, for him, but before she knew what was happening her face crumpled up and she broke down into sobs.
William pulled her into his arms and clutched her to his chest. There were so many things he wanted to say to her, so many reassurances he wanted to give, but the truth was the words she had spoken were his greatest fear, and he didn't know what he could say to make it any less real. He wanted to be a haven for her- someplace she could go when she was feeling weak or having doubts, but how could he comfort her if he couldn't even comfort himself? He was being confronted with a reality he didn't know how to face. The only peace he gained was from the knowledge that his wife was just as frightened as he was- if not more so. Seeing her so fragile and vulnerable broke down the walls he'd built around his emotions, and his face contorted with pain as he began to cry with her.
They stayed interlocked that way for a long time. The fear and anguish between them could not be put into words. Silence stretched out the minutes until Diana suddenly stiffened and pulled away from him. He looked at her confused until he saw the vacant, glassy look in her eyes.
"Do I know you?" She asked quietly.
Those four words sent a stabbing pain to William's heart. How did she already have the power to cause him such distress? The answer came simply enough: because he allowed her to. But the answer did nothing to stop the pain that was surging through every fiber of his being. He felt his throat constrict as unshed tears pricked at the back of his eyes.
"Yes." Was the only response he could manage to choke out.
It lasted only seconds before Diana came to. There was a moment of disconnect before she realized what had happened. Her eyes grew wide as saucers and she backed away from him on impulse as waves of frustration, guilt, fear, and self-loathing crashed over her. In a devastating moment of clarity, she could plainly see the danger she had put the both of them in. In her naïve acceptance of her husband's love and want to have him back in her life, she had opened herself to a world of pain. If he were to leave her again it could destroy her from the inside out. But somehow him staying was an even greater fear. Because every time she left she would be causing him pain. So not only was she hurting herself, she was hurting her husband too. Her hand flew over her mouth as a horrified look crossed her face. Humiliation flared up bright inside of her, and before she could stop them tears pricked at her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. William went to reach out to her, but she recoiled as the shame overwhelmed her. Her body went into fight or flight mode and before her mind made a conscious decision, she fled to her room, sobbing all the way there.
Unbeknownst to both of his parents, Spencer Reid saw the brief interaction between them. He saw his mother begin to cry and run from his father. He saw what his mother did not: How he leapt from the couch and tried to grab her hand, how he hesitated briefly, trying to figure out what to do, before going after her. The fact that he looked so tormented gave him a bit of sadistic pleasure. The child inside of him savored the expression, memorized it so he could remember it when he was angered at his father. But he couldn't simply stand there and enjoy his father's pain, because as good as his father's hurt felt, his mother's torment was just as devastating. They neutralized one another.
He waited a moment or two before following his father to his mother's room. When the door shut after his father, he creeped over to the window and watched them carefully, straining to hear their conversation. The door was so thick that he couldn't make out the murmuring behind it, so he studied their body language instead. His father was curving over his mother protectively while his mother was closed off and reserved.
As soon as his wife ran from him, William wanted to go after her. There was no question that he would do so, but he hesitated a moment, unsure of what he could say to make her feel unashamed. He could feel a pair of eyes watching him. He thought it was a doctor or one of the orderlies. He didn't bother to check. He was too distracted.
He would have never guessed that it was his own son.
His hesitation only lasted a second or two before he started walking to her room. His pace was brisk as he strode down the hallways. The high ceilings and wood floors made for excellent acoustics. Every step he took echoed in the corridors. Orderlies, doctors, and patients occasionally passed him by, but they all seemed to yield to him. The way he walked made it clear that he was a man on a mission.
Finally, he reached her door.
He peered through the window and saw her sitting on the side of her bed, face in her hands. The movement of her body demonstrated how harshly she was sobbing. He flung the door open and went to her, wrapping his arms around her.
For a brief moment, all was peaceful between them.
William wished he knew what to say to her. He tried to force the right words to come to him out of sheer willpower alone, but it didn't work. His mind remained blank. He held her in that embrace for a long time, never speaking. If the right words wouldn't come to him, then he'd say nothing at all. He hoped that somehow his presence would be enough to make her feel better.
Diana had rushed into her bedroom weeping hysterically. This first forgetting of her husband had cut her deeply. She knew that it was a wound that would never quite heal, especially because it was going to happen again wether she wanted it to or not. Lost in a sea of self-hatred and guilt, she sat on her bed, crying into her hands. She was sobbing and shaking so hard that she didn't hear her husband enter the room. Only when his arms were around her and she smelled the unmistakable scent of his cologne did she realize he was there. For a long while they stayed that way. He had become her port in the storm. His touch calmed her and made her hopeful, but it couldn't erase her fears.
Suddenly she pulled away from him, compelled to study his face. She didn't want to forget it. She memorized every line, crease, and wrinkle. When she finally looked into his eyes, however, she stopped cold. Those pools of brown were glistening with unshed tears. For a terrible moment she thought her forgetting him had wounded him and brought them on, but that wasn't it at all. He wasn't afraid of her- he was afraid forher. She reached up to caress his cheek with her hand. It should have strengthened her, this shining evidence of his love, but it only served to make her feel weaker. She was hurting him already and it hadn't even been a day.
His Weathered face was lined with pain. His eyes seemed to have aged him a thousand years. But he still forced himself to smile at her touch, even though they both knew it wasn't the real thing. All that ran through Diana's mind was how much she had hurt him.
"I'm sorry." She croaked, voice cracking as tears streamed down her face.
"Don't." He whispered, holding her to him. "It's not your fault."
"But I-"
"Please," he begged her, "You didn't do anything wrong." His voice was stronger on that point. She shook her head.
"That's just not true." She paused, searching for the words that could convey her despair. "I'm hurting you."
"I've hurt you before, but you forgave me. It's your turn now. And I've already forgiven you for this. The question now is can you forgive yourself?"
She stopped for a second, considering it. "I don't think I know how."
"You'll find a way. I know you will."
"How can you have so much faith in me?"
He smiled. "How can I not?"
Diana looked at him, voice betraying her fear and impatience. "You don't see it, do you?"
Confusion flickered through his eyes. "See what?"
"I'm fading, Will. Every time I leave from now on will be a little longer than the last. Sooner or later the times without memory will be longer than my periods of lucidity. The look on your face when I forgot you for ten seconds was so hurt and betrayed. Do you really think you're going to be able to stand it when I forget for ten minutes or even hours? You have to protect yourself now before it's too late."
"Protect myself? From what?"
"From me." Came the broken hearted whisper.
He saw it there as plain as day, the damage his leaving had caused her. He had shattered her ego until she saw herself as nothing but a danger and nuisance to others. Never before had he felt such deep regret. His face crumpled and tears dripped down his cheeks. He had tried so hard to be strong for her, but now, confronted with one of his greatest failures, he broke. He suddenly clutched his wife to him, trying to harness some inner strength from having her near. Diana stiffened momentarily before relaxing in his arms. Seeing him cry broke down any walls she had left, and a new floodgate of tears and emotions opened. Before she knew it, she was sobbing too.
Spencer was watching them through the window in shock. He didn't think he had ever seen his father cry before. Now, to see both of his parents so devastated was humbling to say the least. In the short time he'd been watching them, he'd seen them united in a way that they hadn't been in years. Any bad or angry feelings he'd harbored for his father vanished as he watched him attempt to console his mother. They needed each other now, he realized. More than ever before. All at once, he felt like he was intruding on a private moment. He backed away from the window and leaned up against the wall, not quite sure what to do with himself anymore.
He had come here to comfort his mother, but his father had beat him to the punch. He felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him. It was silly, this feeling, and he knew it, but he couldn't shake it off. He thought about all the time he'd spent as a child waiting for his father to come back, then when he had realized he wasn't coming back, how much time he'd spent being angry at him. Now, standing in the hallway of the sanitarium, he realized what a waste of time and energy that had been. His mother was slowly slipping away from him. Even though she had been for years, this was different. This time the further away she slipped the less likely she was to come back. It scared him more than he could ever say. There was a sense of urgency now that hadn't been there before, a need to make every second together count. That's why he had come back. To make new memories with her before she forgot him completely. He realized that his father would be involved now too. For the sake of his mother and himself, he had to put the past where it belonged and focus on the future. The moment he chose to forgive, he felt an invisible burden that he hadn't known was there lift from his shoulders, and smiled.
Maybe there was hope after all.
When William and Diana parted, William saw the exhaustion on his wife's face. He looked at the clock and saw that it was nearing nine o'clock. His heart sank.
"It's almost time for me to go." She frowned. "I'll be back." He promised.
She smiled. "I know." She kissed him tenderly before gathered his things.
When he went out the door, he saw his son standing there. He glanced back at his wife, who was now in the bathroom before shutting the door.
Father and son stared at one another. For a beat, neither said anything.
Then, without warning, William pulled his son into a hug.
Spencer froze at the unfamiliar contact, but William didn't care. His son was here- that was what mattered.
"She's still in there if you want to talk to her."
He nodded, then went to open the door. Spencer stepped inside. He heard the water running in the bathroom and waited. It turned off just as the door closed.
"Will? Did you forget something?" She called, before coming out. She saw her son standing there and smiled. "Spencer. Honey, what are you doing here? I thought you had to go back to work." She said, giving him a hug. He held her close, reveling in her embrace that still smelled of the Oscar De La Renta perfume she always wore when he was little.
"We're investigating a case in the area." He said.
"You should have called."
"It's late. I didn't know if you'd be up or not." He explained.
She sighed. "What's on your mind?"
He looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?"
She gave him a look. "I know when there's something bothering you." She sat on the bed and patted the spot beside her. "Tell me what's wrong."
He sat with her, but wouldn't look at her as he fidgeted with his hands. Her eyes darkened immediately. This was serious. She put a finger underneath his chin and forced him to meet her gaze. The fear in his eyes reminded her of when he was three years old and was afraid of the dark. A long, uncomfortable silence stretched between them.
"I just wanted to see you." He said, finally.
She knew better than that. There was a subtext to what he was saying, an unspoken fear that she knew all too well. He wanted to see her while she was still lucid. She didn't blame him. She put a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm here now." She said quietly.
The words seemed to release something inside of him and he started to cry. She pulled him into her lap and stroked his hair, just like when he was a child. She hushed him quietly, appearing calm. But inside, she was as frightened as he was. She'd never let on about it, though. That was her cross to bear. Her son didn't need her fear on top of her own.
"It's alright. It's all going to be okay." She said. Even as the words came out she knew she didn't believe herself, and neither did her son. But she knew she had to say it. She had to give him something to hold onto, to tuck into his heart and pull it out when she was away. To see him so hurt broke her heart, but she had to stay strong for her baby. She couldn't show weakness. Not when he needed her. She leaned down and kissed his forehead with all the tenderness she could muster. He was her whole world, her son. Her reason to keep fighting during the darkest nights of her life. She loved him so much it hurt.
When he couldn't cry anymore he sat up, wiping his eyes. His mother watched him carefully, ready to be whatever he needed at the drop of a hat. He wiped his eyes and pulled himself back together.
"I'm sorry." He said, embarrassed that he had broken down.
"Don't be. That's what I'm here for." She said, smiling. He smiled back. "Tell me about your case." She said, hoping to distract him. He launched into a general description of what was going on and his speculations of who could have done it while she leaned back and listened. When the topic had been exhausted, she changed it, talking with him until a nurse told her that visiting hours were over. She nodded and turned to her son, who was looking at her with that lost little boy look in his eyes again. He pulled her into a tight hug.
"I love you, Mommy."
Her throat tightened. He hadn't called her that in years. It underscored how scared he must have been.
"I love you too, baby."
He gave her one last long look and then left.
He was surprised to find his father waiting for him in the hall and briefly wondered how he managed not to get kicked out. He stared at him, not sure of what to say. His father stepped up to him.
"Come on, I'll walk you to your car."
He nodded. After a minute of silence, William spoke up.
"How much of that did you see?"
"Enough to know that you reconciled with her."
"I did." He answered. "How do you feel about it?"
Spencer hesitated for only a moment before speaking. "She needs you. I can't be there for her as often. She needs someone to depend on."
"I need her too." He said quietly. Spencer didn't miss the slight hitch in his voice.
"I'm glad she has you." He said. William smiled.
"She had you. So thank you."
"For what?"
"For staying with her when I wasn't strong enough to." Spencer almost stopped at the subject they'd broached, but forced himself to keep walking as they entered the elevator. "I knew what I was getting into when I married your mother. I knew about her illness, but I thought I could handle it. And for a long time I did, because I saw past it to who she was on the inside. But that night, when everything changed, I realized there was danger there. Danger that I hadn't seen before. I protected her, but the secret festered inside me. It made a rift between us that her illness made worse. Until one day I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to handle it, so I just went. I devoted myself to my work and tried forget. But I never stopped thinking about the two of you. You were the future I'd left behind, and I had to wake up and remember that every day. I thought of you often. But I thought about her even more. The look on her face when I left. The words she used. "You're weak". It's been over 30 years since I married her, but I'll never forget that moment... I'll never forget the way it hurt. I still thought about you both, even drove by the house sometimes to feel close to you two. I realized that I had everything. And every day since then I've kicked myself for giving it all away."
The elevator door opened and they went through the lobby doors. Spencer didn't know what to say to that. They were quiet when they reached his car.
"Spencer..."
Spencer looked up as he pulled his keys from his messenger bag.
"Yeah?"
A dozen things flashed through William's mind. All things he wanted to say, things he should have said, things he had said before. He wanted to tell his son how important he was to him, how much he wanted his forgiveness, how proud he was of the man he'd become. But that was too much for now.
"If you ever need to talk about your mom or about anything else, you have my number."
He had extended his hand out to his son, a chance for them to reconnect. Spencer knew the gauntlet had been thrown down. It was his choice to pick it up. To hold on to the past or look toward the future. He remembered his earlier choice to forgive, and it shaped his reply.
"I will."
William smiled at him, and Spencer felt a flash of joy surge through him.
"Goodnight." William said.
"Goodnight." Spencer repeated before climbing into his car and starting it. William watched his son pull out of the parking lot and drive off into the night. He stared after his son long after he was gone, feeling for the first time in a long time a sense of completeness that hadn't been there for years. He had his family back. It may have not been exactly how he had planned it, but it was real. It was his. The circumstances that led to the reunification were awful, but for one instant, everything was as it should have been in his world. Just like it used to be. Just like it should have been all along.
William drove home that night, thinking about the turn his life had taken. He loved his wife and son more than he could say, but he couldn't stop worrying over them. He wanted them close again. As he pulled into the driveway, he stared up at the house he owned, bought after he left his wife and child. It was nothing fancy. As a lawyer he could have gotten a mansion, but settled for an average place in the suburbs, saving his extra money in a bank account. He'd never felt the need to get more than he had, and that extra money had been sitting in the bank, quietly gathering interest. As he ate a late dinner, he set his laptop on the kitchen table, and pulled up his bank account. There was well over fifteen thousand dollars in there. Seeing that got him thinking. He wanted his family back. He wanted them so badly he could scream. He surfed the web for another hour, writing down phone numbers and jotting down addresses. Then, tired and worn out, he went to bed, satisfied with the plan he had concocted.
The next morning he got up well before his alarm was scheduled to go off and quickly showered and dressed. He was ready for work when his alarm started blaring the oldies music he'd come to enjoy. He spent those two hours before he needed to go to work on the computer and on the phone, filling out form after form, making call after call. All of them were important, but none more so than the first one he placed. That first call was to his son, asking for his blessing for what he was about to do. Surprisingly, Spencer answered him. After a lengthy explanation for why he was calling, he waited for his son's answer. The lengthy pause was perhaps the longest moment of William's life, but when he said "okay" the joy that he felt was unspeakable. They both agreed to come to the sanitarium that evening to give Diana this gift.
That morning, he went to work happier than he'd been in years.
For Diana Reid, the day had been average and bland. She got up, showered, dressed, took her medications, and ate breakfast. She met with her doctors and held a lecture on John Lyndgate's "The Siege of Thebes". She had lunch and wrote in her journal. She read her daily letter from her son and the latest book he sent her before having dinner. All of these things had always been highlights of her day, but in comparison to the last two they were dull and grey. Things without her husband and son were so lackluster that she wondered how it had ever been the best part of her day.
It seemed to take forever, but dinner finally ended. After taking her medications, she rushed back to the day room to await her husband and- much later- her son. Every minute felt like a thousand years to her. No matter how she tried, her book couldn't capture her attention. She kept her eyes fixated on the clock, watching the second hand go around and around over and over again until it was nearly seven o'clock. Her breathing quickened as she sat ramrod straight on the couch, watching the door and silently willing it to open.
Then, like magic, he was there, walking to her with an ease she knew she would never obtain. A grin stretched across her face and she stood up to greet him. He wrapped his arms around her and she breathed in the scent of his Axe Apollo cologne. Enfolded in his arms, she knew she was safe, knew she was home.
"Hi." She said dreamily.
"Hey." He pulled away from her to give her a kiss. She grinned at him.
"How was your day?"
"Long and boring." He said, cracking a smile. "But much better now that you're here."
"I was thinking the same thing."
They sat together on the couch, talking about their days while lying in each other's arms. William never let on that he was giving her anything today, and wouldn't until their son was there. Instead he told her stories of the trials he was working, and how some had turned out. When she slipped into a hallucination (courtesy of her schizophrenia), he sat there quietly and watched everything play out. He refused to leave her side. When she came to about an hour later, she was stunned to see that he stayed. It shouldn't have surprised her, his fidelity to her, but a slim, shadowy version of herself kept saying that he was going to realize that he didn't want to deal with her illness again and leave, devastating her. But a smaller, quieter voice in the back of her mind told her that she should trust him. The two sides were at war, creating chaos inside of her.
Not long after, her son appeared. The way her husband looked at him set off a red flag in her mind. She eyed them suspiciously.
"Alright, what is it?"
They glanced at each other. "What do you mean?" Asked Spencer.
She gave him a look. "You don't think I know when something's going on? You two aren't as subtle as you think. So come on. Out with it."
Spencer sat down on the couch, sandwiching Diana between them. After a moment or two, William finally spoke.
"How would you like to live with me?"
She stared blankly at him. The words were so unexpected, so foreign. It was like being hit with a baseball out of left field. She wanted to say something, but kept drawing a blank. All that came out of her mouth was a shocked and startled "What?"
Her husband looked vaguely nervous and fidgety. "Come home with me, Diana. I can't stand the thought of you rotting away in here. I have enough money to pay nurses to come to the house to help take care of you. I've already spoken to your doctors here and gotten them to agree. I want you to be there when I get home. I want to look forward to coming home instead of going to an empty house every day. I lived without you for too long. I won't make that mistake twice. I want you. Always."
His words left her so dazed that she almost didn't respond. A long silence followed the speech. When Diana gathered her wits, she found herself smiling.
"You want me?" She echoed.
"Yes. I do."
"Are you sure?"
"More sure than I've ever been." She heard the sincerity of his voice and saw it in his eyes. Her throat tightened as a score of memories danced before her eyes. This was it. The reunion she'd been waiting for for over twenty years. A tear escaped down her cheek.
"Okay... I'll come home with you."
The light in his eyes filled her up, made her whole inside as he pulled her into a fierce kiss.
The next few days were a whirlwind of activity. She packed up what little possessions she owned into boxes. Her most treasured books, some pictures, her journals, and of course the letters from her son. She had kept all of them, and they took an entire box unto themselves. The last thing she packed was a small box that had been stored under her bed. This was where she kept the memories of her husband. She needed it to be in a very secluded place, considering she'd only thought of him in private. There were bigger items like photo albums and framed pictures, and smaller ones, like her wedding ring. Since his reentry into her life, she'd begun wearing the ring again. She settled it into a bigger box and then taped it shut.
When all was said and done, she sat in the room, seeing her life packed up in boxes. It was strange to leave this place that she had called home for so many years. Although she couldn't help the bit of fear that went through her at leaving, there was excitement there too at this new life she was going to live. She looked out the window one more time and saw bright sunshine streaming through the window. Birds were happily tweeting on tree branches, and the world seemed joyful, as if to indicate that there was a bright future ahead of her. With one last glance, she went outside to where her husband and son were waiting.
William had spent the past few days preparing for his wife's homecoming. He had locked any sharp objects away in a high cabinet that neither of them could have reached. He cleaned out the refrigerator and freezer to make room for food that wasn't TV dinners or leftover takeout or pizza. He cleaned the entire house in a way he hadn't in years, and started making touch ups to the master suite. It may have been twenty years since they'd lived together, but he still remembered the things she liked. When he was satisfied he picked up his son at the police station and took them to the sanitarium.
Diana sat there, waiting for them. There were three boxes there, packed with all of her things. Each one of them took a box and carried it out to the car. Two in the trunk, one in the backseat.
Diana said goodbye to her doctors, the nurses, and the orderlies before taking her husband's hand and walking out the front door. The sun got in her eyes and she had to shield them for a moment before she could see. The three of them piled into William's hybrid, and Diana looked at the giant building that had been her home for twelve years. She felt a pinch of sadness to see it go, but she was ready for this new adventure.
The ride there took a half hour. Diana felt anxiety creep in as the three of them sat in the car. Occasionally someone would ask her a question, but she never gave much of an answer. She was too busy wondering about the house. When they pulled into the driveway, she stared at it. Her first thought was that the paint looked just a shade too dark to really fit in with the rest of the neighborhood. She smiled. It was fitting, she supposed. Their family was probably as off as one could be while still maintaining their supportive dynamic. It was only then that she saw William glancing anxiously at him, clearly expecting a reaction. She smiled at him and held his hand.
"It's beautiful."
Diana carried the first box and opened the door while William took the next one and Spencer the last. She set her box down by the door and looked around. It was brighter and more open than she had anticipated, though that could just be because what she could see of the place was painted white. There was a door on her left that led to the garage. The kitchen was closest to the door on her right side. It seemed small, but it looked pretty. The dining room table was directly across from it on her left. To the left of the kitchen was the living room. While the kitchen and dining room were tiled, the living room was covered in a tan shag carpeting. There was a large flat screen TV and two leather couches. On the furthermost wall in the house was a sliding glass door that went to the backyard. She could see the green grass from her current position in the house. Had she gone out back, she would have seen a small table with three chairs on it under the porch, and a cushioned swing with its own awning. Behind the living room couches was a hallway. The door on the left was the bathroom. The furthest door down was Spencer's room, or a guest room in case of company. The door closest to that on the right was the master bedroom, and the one beside it was the laundry room.
Diana picked up her box and quietly made her way to the master bedroom. When she went inside, she looked around. The walls were beige and unexciting. The California king size bed had its tan headboard resting against the left wall. It was covered in all white with large fluffy pillows and a goose down-filled comforter. There were two matching small beside tables, both holding a lamp and a framed picture. With a small drawer beneath it. The one on the left harbored a digital clock and the right an iPod docking station with an iTouch charging on it. The wall opposite the door held two large windows, both decorated with curtains and several photos, and a wooden desk with a matching chair. The desk top held a laptop, several sheets of white paper, a coffee mug full of pens, and a silver desk lamp. To the left of it was a large mahogany six-shelf bookshelf. William had already cleared three rows for her books, as he had already filled the other three with his own selections. Across from the bed were two sets of five drawers for clothing. In the left corner of the room was a cushioned chair and matching ottoman. On the right of the drawers was the door to the master bathroom, which held a large spa-like bathtub and separate shower on the right wall, and toilet next to double sinks on the left. At the furthest wall were two double doors that led to a huge walk-in closet. It was nice, she decided. It actually reminded her of a hotel. She grabbed her box and set it on the bed.
Time to start unpacking.
For the next few hours she unpacked her things in her new room, adding the touches that would make it home for her as well as her husband. When it got to be too late, Spencer decided to head back to the hotel he was staying at, despite both of his parents saying he was more than welcome to stay there. Respectfully, he bowed out, knowing that first night was going to be important. So William drove him back while Diana continued to unpack. The family photos were what transformed the room for her. There were pictures of the three of them together, some of her and her husband, and some of her and Spencer. The last photo that she hung on the wall was her and William's wedding portrait. She looked at the picture with a grin. They had been so young. Young and in love. Their smiles were older and more worn now than they had been in the picture, but they were here after all this time, together.
"What are you thinking?"
William's familiar voice startled her from her thoughts. She hadn't heard him come in. She wondered how long she had been standing there as she smiled at him.
"About us." She said, stroking the portrait affectionately. He smiled when he saw it.
"Remember our first dance?" William asked.
"Of course I do. We danced all night long, but the first one was "You Needed Me" by Anne Murray. It was our song."
"You were so beautiful that day. I remember thinking about how much I wanted to sweep you off your feet. There was a moment during the dance where I seriously considered picking you up, spinning you around, and never putting you down again."
Diana laughed. "Really?"
"Really." He promised. Diana smiled up at him and kissed him softly.
"Dance with me." She said, putting an arm around him.
"No." He said. A look of hurt washed over her. "Not without the right music." He amended. He went over to the iPod docking station and turned it on, scrolling through the music until he found the right song. Their song. Music started floating through the air above them and he turned to face her. She reached out an arm to him and he bowed to her before taking her hand.
"May I have this dance?"
She smiled at him. "Of course."
They danced together for a while, holding close to one another. When the song ended, they kissed. Then, the music changed, and Diana looked at him with confusion.
"I made this playlist for us." He said, earning a smile from her. They danced through the next song, kissing mostly and occasionally talking.
By the time the third song played, Diana felt desire unwind inside her. She wanted him, and she wanted him now. Her kisses, so gentle and sweet, became hungry and desperate. She ached for him so deeply it actually hurt. He must have felt the same way, because his kiss became just as needy and passionate as her own. She started loosening his tie and unbuttoning his shirt as he took her cardigan off and threw it aside. Her dress was easily removable, and was kicked out of the way. She undid his belt and unzipped his pants. He unhooked her bra and she pulled down his underwear. The last piece of clothing to come off of her was her own underwear. They fell back onto the bed, swept up in the heat of the moment. Then, he was inside her, filling her up. The sensation, so old, but not unfamiliar, carried her away as they huddled beneath the sheets. Suddenly the twenty years they had spent apart didn't exist anymore, and they were united as one once more. When she climaxed not seconds after he did, crying out his name with joy, pleasure spread throughout her entire body. She lay there, breathing raggedly with her head on his chest, and smiling.
"Oh Diana, I love you." He said. The words were a happy sigh as he drifted into slumber.
"I love you too." She whispered. And she did. She fell asleep that night with the knowledge that no matter what else life had in store for her, matter what else life had in store for her, she was safe in his arms. Some details would fade with time, but she would never truly forget his love.