I stare out the window at the people in the courtyard below. A touch of sadness comes over me. I will never have friends I can be so open with. No one at Seigaku knows what I'm capable of. All my friendships are built on carefully constructed lies. They have to be.
Saeki taught me that. I let him see the real me, and he paid a heavy price. Back when we were still friends, I betrayed him. My need to be in control destroyed him. If my teammates knew how much I fight against the urge to hurt them, they would never speak to me.
So I keep to myself because I know no one will ever be able to accept me. Not the real me. I am too cruel, too sadistic. No one will ever understand my need to break people. And I don't expect anyone to accept me. I don't belong in this world.
The normal world doesn't suit me. I can't be myself here. But I want to be. I fight against my need to control everything around me with every breath I take. That kind of behavior is socially taboo, and I need to fit in more than I want to have friends.
Still, there are times when I want to rip off my mask and let them all see how dangerous I am. If these people knew what I'm capable of doing, they would leave me alone. But I know better than to drop my masks because they keep me safe. And they keep my secrets safe.
I can't help but hope, though, that someone will come along who is able to see through the facade I wear. I am human, after all. I can play subtle games and fill the need I have to manipulate others. But I can't make friends by playing games, and that's what I want more than anything. A true friend. Someone who can see the truth behind my lies and accept me as I am.
The dream is a foolish one, but I can't help myself. I don't know what friendship is like. Not really. All the so-called friendships I have are based on lies. Even the people in my world aren't my friends, but at least I understand how to interact with them. The hierarchy in that world is all based on fear and power; concepts I understand well.
I sigh and pull myself away from the window. At least I have tennis to take my mind off things. Since the sport exists in both worlds, I can be myself when I play. For the most part, anyway. I have to be careful not to take things too far, but that's one of the skills I've mastered. After seventeen years of being forced to hide myself behind masks, I am a master of subterfuge.