Storytime: The Quest for the Holy Grail
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters described in this story.
Author's Notes: Please, ignore the sheer lunacy of this story. In fact, you could probably ignore the plot altogether… The idea just made me laugh! And it'll help to picture Jack doing the different voices, too! This may become a series, depending on if I can come up with any other funny ideas. Many thanks to my betas, Elizabeth and Curuchamion!
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"Daddy, tell me a story," the little sandy-haired girl begged. She was comfortably tucked into bed, wearing her favorite Bart Simpson pajamas.
"Alright, Gracie-girl," her father responded. "But we can't take too long because you've got a big day tomorrow. Now, let me see… How about the time your mother and I went to P3X-595 and she drank the local --"
"Jack O'Neill! Don't you dare tell our daughter that story!" an irate voice called into the bedroom. The effect was spoiled moments later, though, when Sam (Carter) O'Neill came in with a twinkle in her eye and a barely suppressed grin on her face.
"Yes, ma'am," he cheekily replied. "How about the time we met the Shavadai?"
"I've heard that one before, Daddy," Grace announced.
"You have?" he asked.
"Yeah," she declared while nodding emphatically. "Lotsa times. Tell me a new one!"
"Well, let me think," Jack said as he stroked his chin. "How about this one?"
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Your mother and I, along with Uncle Daniel and Uncle Teal'c, passed through the magical portal late one Monday afternoon. The scenery looked pretty normal. It was a typical medieval village. Or so we thought. There must have been a monastery nearby because the first thing we noticed was a procession of monks. They were chanting:
"Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem,"
Then they would smack themselves on the head with a board. And then they would do it again. I turned to look at my team.
"Daniel, what's going on?" I asked.
"I'm not sure, Jack," Daniel replied. "It must be some form of self-flagellation."
Before anyone else could make a comment, we became aware of another sound. It turned out to be a mob of people carrying a woman. We heard some indistinct shouts before the ringleader spoke loudly to the man who I assume was the village elder.
"We have found a witch. May we burn her?" he asked.
After listening to them debate for a few minutes about who had dressed her up like that and floating churches, I'd heard enough.
"Let's turn around and head home right now," I ordered.
"Jack! We can't leave yet!" Daniel objected.
"Give me one good reason why not, Daniel," I asked testily.
"We think the Sangraal might be here!" he explained.
"Carter? What do you think?" I asked your mom.
"Well, sir, the UAV did detect several nearby settlements. It also detected some sort of energy readings, so I think we should stay and at least check it out," she answered.
"Alright, fine," I agreed. "But keep your eyes peeled. If they think we're witches and want to burn us, too, we may have to be ready to make a quick run for the gate."
We decided to take a quick look around and then meet back at the gate 10 minutes later. I sent Teal'c with Sam and kept Daniel with me.
"Alright, everyone. What did we find?" I asked when we met back up.
"It's absolutely fascinating!" Daniel started to ramble. "It looks like the people here must have been taken from England around the year 900 A.D. Their culture demonstrates --"
"Ack! I've already heard this from you. Save it for your written report!" I yelled.
"There appears to be a castle in the distance," Teal'c said. "The way appears to be guarded by a knight dressed in all black armor.
"Alright. Since the only thing we found our way was a dense forest, let's go your way and see what we can find out," I decided.
We headed out, and after about 15 minutes, we reached the place where the knight stood guard.
"Daniel, time to do your thing," I said.
"Good sir knight, we are peaceful explorers to your land and are seeking information. Will you take us to the castle?" he asked.
"None shall pass," was all the knight responded.
Daniel raised his eyebrows. "We must get past," he stated.
"Then you shall die!" he replied, drawing his sword and charging at us.
"I think not," I said, pulling my Zat and firing it, dropping the man in his tracks. After taking his sword for my own personal collection, we journeyed onward.
Soon, we came upon a field where it looked like there were some villagers were working in a field doing nothing but making piles of mud.
"Old woman," I called to the nearest person.
"Man," he replied.
"Oh. Sorry," I apologized. "Can you tell us who lives in that castle?"
"I'm 37," he said, ignoring my question.
"What?" I asked, confused by his answer.
"I'm 37. I'm not old," he explained.
"Look, I'm sorry about the old woman crack, but you are wearing a dress," I stated. "Can you tell us who lives in that castle?"
"No one lives there."
"What do you mean, no one lives there?" I asked.
"We're an autonomous collective. We have no master," he replied.
"Well, then, do you know where we could find the Holy Grail?" I inquired.
"I can't tell you that," he said.
"Why not?" I growled.
"Well, as that's an external matter, it would require authorization from our bi-weekly council. If it was an internal matter, a simple majority would do, but since it's an external matter, I would need a two-thirds majority to give you that information," he blathered.
I pulled out my Zat again. "Tell me where I can find the Grail," I demanded.
Instead of being reasonable, he called together some of the other villagers. "Now we see the violence inherent in the system. Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"
Figuring we would get nothing useful from the man, we proceeded around him and down the path. A few minutes later, we reached another village. As we got in range, we heard a peculiar sound. It sounded almost like a bell being rung. Soon, a man came into view around a corner. He was pushing a wagon and striking a frying pan with a metal spoon.
"Bring out your dead!" he was saying.
I was NOT in the mood to catch the bubonic plague or something like that, so we high tailed it out of the town. Within a few minutes, we saw another castle in the distance. We saw a road sign that pointed towards it. Since it was in Old English, we all waited a few minutes for Daniel to translate. Some waited more patiently than others. When Daniel gasped, I had to ask him what it said.
"That's Camelot!" he replied.
"Camelot?" Teal'c asked, slightly confused.
"Camelot?" your mom asked in wonder.
"Camelot?" I asked in disbelief.
"It's only a model," came a voice from nearby.
"Who said that?" I yelled, pointing my P-90 all around.
A man poked his head up from behind a bush and started to move forward. As he did, he was clapping two half shells of a coconut together. "Don't bother going there. It's a silly place, after all," he said, trotting off in the direction from which we'd just come.
Over the next several hours, we came across many other strange things: an enchanter named Tim, a killer rabbit, a holy hand grenade, a bridge of death, some knights who kept saying 'Ni!', and even the remains of a large wooden structure that looked like a bunny. At one point, we thought we saw an image of the Holy Grail in the sky, but it turned out to be … well, that's a story for when you're older.
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When Jack looked down at his daughter, he found that she was fast asleep. She looked like she'd been out for some time, too. He turned to his wife and found her with a gentle smile on her face, shaking her head slightly. After giving Grace a quick kiss on the forehead, he got up, turned out the lights, and led his wife out into the hallway.
"You know, when she grows up, she's going to want to go on adventures like the ones you keep filling her head with," Sam cautioned. "She's going to want to travel the galaxy and explore everything for herself."
"And I wouldn't have it any other way," Jack said, leaning in for a quick kiss. "And speaking of exploring, I think it's bed time for us, too."
Sam gave him a wicked grin. "Well, we may not have a grail-shaped beacon like the Castle Anthrax. But we do have a very large bed, and I do think you need to be … examined. After all, I am an expert!"