Chapter 1: If only...
One always takes something for granted and will never realize how much someone worth to him/her self until the day he/she lost that someone. How much of a fool can he/she be?
How much of a fool can he be?
It was a question that ran through his head at the moment. How much of a fool can he, Kira Yamato - the so-called SEED, be? For one being qualified as the most advance DNA alteration project that naturals and coordinators alike had ever achieved, he certainly was not the most advanced one in understanding what the others are feeling. For one being called as the kindest person around, in his own opinion, he certainly was the cruelest person, if not, being around. He never took her feelings into consideration at all, not even once.
He blamed his selfishness for her suffering. He was too infuriated by Fllay's death, too infuriated by his stupid crush (which he previously thought was love) on her. He failed to see that he was hurting the person who stayed faithfully by his side and unconditionally giving him the love, attention, and kindness that he needed.
And that person was Lacus Clyne, the one woman who tolerated his cold shoulders towards everyone around him after the final battle, the person who continued to encourage him to be happy again, and the one who sacrificed her own feelings for him. She stayed by his side despite the fact that she, the one who actually loves him with all her heart, knew more than well enough that he was still wrapped up in his feelings towards the certain red haired girl and will never return her feeling.
Yet, despite everything she had done, what she had sacrificed for him, he continued to disregard her feelings towards him and brush her off, even if he knew that somewhere deep in his heart, he actually loves her back. He denied his feelings towards her, and for what? For the girl who literally took his heart out and walked all over it, of course, after she cut it into pieces. The girl who used him just to get her revenge on the coordinators, the girl who refused all ties with coordinators.
He hit the white wall with his clenched fist frustratedly. It's true that coordinators had their DNA altered when they were still a baby to make them more advance – smarter, faster reaction time, higher instinct – than normal human beings, or Naturals as what they are called as now. It was also true that due to the altering of their DNA, they are able to heal faster than Naturals. Thus, they are least likely to die even with even such fatal injuries.
Of course, Kira Yamato knew this far better than any Naturals and Coordinators could possibly comprehend – with him being an even more advanced version of a Coordinator or, as they would call him, a SEED.
However, he also knew one thing better than anyone else that will ever exist and had existed did. He knew this fact even better than those who created him in the first place. He knew that the chances of Lacus Clyne surviving that fatal blow on her head with no long-term effect was very slim, almost 1 percent to none. And of 5 long-term effects, he could single out the most possible one. If for Naturals a fatal blow on their head could cause them amnesia. Unfortunately, for Coordinators, being an advance human being and all, they are unable to have something called amnesia. In Kira's conclusion, the worst case scenario for Lacus was blindness for the rest of her life. That is, if she ever open her eyes to the world once more. For now, the chances of her not be in a coma for the rest of her life is very slim, 0.5 percent at the most.
He seated himself beside where the pink-haired girl laid peacefully. Right now, the only thing that n indicate that she's still alive was the slow rising and falling of her chest. He took a hold of her hand. It was colder than usual... nevertheless, he took her hand and cupped it on his cheek as he slowly stroke her bangs away from her face. He smiled slightly when he saw that although that she was unconscious, her gentle smile still decorated her face. He blinked away the tears that were threatening to fall. Surely, Lacus will not be pleased if she found out that he was crying. After all, she was the one who always try to make him a stronger person.
After almost three years knowing her, he came to understand that the pink haired idol doesn't want anyone to worry let alone cry because of her. She was too nice to be real. She forgives everyone who has done bad against her and never harbour revenge.
Then again, it was her nature, even in the past, when the EA threatened to kill her if ZAFT didn't concede their attack to Archangel. She never has a single negative thought about the Earth Alliance's force afterwards. Instead, she just smiled and forgave them and reasoned that they only did it because they were in danger. One would find it very hard to figure out what she was really thinking about. Whether she is sad, happy, scared, nervous, in pain, or anything else, because her smile is always present. Never did he once see her without her smile. Even when she found out that her father died, she just looked sad for one second and quickly put up her smiling mask back on and reasoned that her father will not want her to cry for him. He will want her to be strong.
She always appeared and tries her best to be perfect and fully met up to or exceeded the standards others put on her just to make others happy. So, fully knowing about this fact, for now, the only thing that he could do is to make sure that he doesn't cry or else, she'd feel guilty.
"Lacus..." he called her name softly, "I'd do anything for you to wake up right now... so please, wake up." He pleaded to her still form, although he knew that she would not hear him at all. A crystalline tear made its way down his cheek, followed by another, and another.
"Why am I crying? Lacus wouldn't want to see me cry now..." he muttered to himself as he quickly wiped off his tears with his sleeve. However, they wouldn't stop coming down. He felt like a wreck right now... if only he didn't coop himself in depression of Fllay's death. If only he moved on just like what Lacus suggested. Most importantly, if only he didn't snapped at her that day...
Flashback
"Ne Kira-kun could you accompany me to my meeting today?" asked Lacus politely, hoping that Kira would say 'yes'.
"No, I can't." Said Kira in monotone. He then simply continued with the same tone, "I have matters to do."
"Like what? Can I come?" asked Lacus, although she knew that she has meeting to attend. However, those people surely won't mind a bit at all if she was late for a minute or two.
"No," replied Kira as he quickly made his way through the door. "And don't think about following me." Warned Kira coldly as he slammed the door behind him.
Today was the commemoration of the ending the battle. To many it was an important day because it was the day where the agreement between Naturals and Coordinators was reached and the signing of the peace treaty. However, also to many people, it was the day where they will remember the sacrifices of their lost ones during the war. To Kira, today was exactly3 years since Fllay's death and he could not believe that Lacus can't remember that and with her oh-so-innocent voice, asked him if she could come to accompany him.
Lacus winced slightly as the door was made its impact. Her heart was deeply wounded by his behaviour towards her. Now, not only that he was being quiet around her but he also has became cold towards her. She dropped on her knee on the ground. She wanted to cry, however, God forbid her to do so. For some reason, she just can't remember when was the last time she ever cried. It has been way too long since she ever cried. She smiled sadly as she stared at the picture beside Kira's laptop. It was framed beautifully... it was the picture of both Kira and Fllay together in their Earth Alliance uniform. Kira was smiling genuinely and looked very happy... very contradictory of his condition right now.
"You know Fllay, I'm jealous of you..." Said Lacus mainly to herself as she looked at the picture. She then got up and decided to ignore Kira's warning and quickly dashed downstairs to follow Kira.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Scene and Time Swap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just as what Lacus had suspected, Kira was visiting Fllay's grave again. In front of her tombstone laid a bouquet of red roses. Lacus couldn't help it but to feel jealous of the deceased girl, although being jealous was taboo and a big no-no to her. She learned when she was little that according to what her mother had taught her, being jealous is bad. She slowly walked towards Kira, only to find him as usual... silently crying in front of her tombstone.
She reached out to him, but as her hand was only 5 cm away from his shoulder, she was beginning to have her doubts. Kicking away all of her doubts and filling her mind with the thought that 'Kira-kun will want some company', she finally placed her hand on Kira's shoulder.
Feeling that someone was touching him, Kira immediately seized the hand and turned around to see his the owner of the hand, only to find a certain pink haired coordinator standing there behind him. He asked her in a rather rough and angered tone, "What are you doing here?"
"I was just following you, and see if you need some company." Replied Lacus.
"Did I not tell you not to follow me?" he hissed at her for being such a nosy person. His eyes narrowed towards her form as they flashed dangerously in anger. She had invaded his special place.
"But I just thought-"
"Well, you thought wrong, Lacus Clyne!" Kira cruelly snapped at her, startling her.
"Demo, don't you want anyone's company?" asked Lacus meekly as she began to slightly tremble under his hardening gaze.
"I don't want anyone's company right now but Fllay's!" he yelled at her.
"But-" she started. "I'm sorry..."
"I'm sorry doesn't cut it this time, Lacus! Why can't you understand the fact that I wanted to spend as much time as possible with Fllay?!?! Especially today, deceased or alive I don't care at all!" yelled Kira as he tightened his grip on her hand, which caused Lacus to wince under the pain. "Why can't you just stay out of my life? Stop plastering me with your presence! I love no one but Fllay! I hate you Lacus Clyne, get it through that thick head of yours!" He released his grip on her and shoved her to the ground roughly.
"You don't know how it feels losing someone you love! You never care for anyone else but yourself! You only know are happiness all your life! You're always the center of attention unlike Fllay! You always have someone by your side and never knows how it feel like to be alone!!!! You won't know how I feel right now, Lacus! You don't know how lonely I felt since Fllay died!! I've been lonely this past 2 years after her death, you don't know anything about how it feels like to be lonely, so just get out of my life!! I don't want to see your face anymore!!! You make me sick with your stupid happy attitude!!" He yelled at her as a lightning, signaling the rain that is to befall on earth – followed his words.
As his strings and echoes of his words stopped, the first rain droplet fell on to the ground, signaling the pain of a girl's heart.
Usually, she would just forget his words and never took them to heart because she knew, that he was just frustrated and depressed that the his one only love was gone. However, this time, his cold words pierced themselves into her heart deeply. It struck the core of her heart, and his words just unlocked her most painful memory. His cold words just opened her darkest memory, the memory she tried to forget a long time ago...the time when her all of her friends and family, except her father hated her for still smiling after her mother's death, even after what her mother had done to her.
A drop of water fell on the ground...
Lacus bit her lip and tried as best as she can to not cry in front of him. However, by doing this, she did not notice that her mask was slowly slipping away. The mask that she's been using all her life to hide her true self and feelings from the world, the mask she's been using all her life to make sure that people does not worry about her was finally broken into pieces.
Another water droplets as more came from the sky and the rain started, soaking the world entirely.
If it were other people who told her those things, her mask may not be broken by now... however, those words were coming out of the mouth of the one she hoped will never said it. It was coming out from Kira Yamato's mouth himself. Right there and then, she found out one thing... from all of those times she had try to convince herself that she was not alone... she has been fooling herself.
She was alone in the world the moment her father died.
Those times when she thought that no matter what Kira would always be with her, that he himself is enough to give her all the love she needs, she has been wrong. Kira has left her the moment Fllay Allyster died.
She now knew one thing and is very certain of it... she is all alone in the world with no one.
And finally she realized something... no one in this world, not even the kindest person ever existed – Kira Yamato – loves her and it is all because she actually, in truth, is a very selfish person who understand no pain at all. Kira's outburst just now was more than enough proof of that... it was more than enough proof to her to prove that he actually hated her.
'She deserved it, it was the truth...'
thought Kira. '... and the truth always hurt... but that's life.'However, he thought otherwise the moment he took a look at her, immediately, Kira regretted for losing his control, yelled at her and said all of those words. Maybe... no, it's not maybe anymore, he has gone pass the border. He must have, or else, Lacus' eyes wouldn't have reflected that much pain in a matter of milliseconds. He knew that because he's sure that even Fllay's look when she lost his father or even himself when Fllay died did not contain that much pain, sorrow, and sadness. Lacus he saw right now just looked like an innocent little girl who was asking why everyone hate her... no, now that he looked at her longer, she looked much worse than that, thought Kira to himself.
Just right there and there, he discovered the most important thing about Lacus. He found out that no matter how strong Lacus is, how brave she is in the battle field, how determined she is towards peace, how she always forgives people, how she always looks happy, or how she is a coordinator, she is still a human and has feelings. She just hides her feelings better that any other people could ever done and what he just said was the most inhuman and cruelest things one could ever said to the kind and tolerant girl.
Especially because infact she know how it felt like to lose some precious. For she had lost her only family during the war. And no matter how much he hated to admit it, he was very wrong about Lacus because if one can be considered to be alone in this world, it will be Lacus, not him. He has Lacus by her side all these time, while she has no one. Sure there's Athrun and Cagalli, but they were busy and rarely talks to her.
"Lacus, I..." stated Kira regretfully as he took a step towards her.
Lacus immediately put an apologetic smile to Kira and bowed apologetically. "I'm sorry Kira-kun. I had no idea about what you're thinking and you're right, I don't know your suffering at all-"
"Lacus..." started Kira, his mind was screaming for him to apologize to Lacus.
"I'm just a girl who doesn't know the pain of losing someone I love... I...1... I'm just daddy's little girl after all..." rambled Lacus.
"Lacus, I'm sorry..."
"What are you apologizing for, Yamato-san?" asked Lacus innocently, trying as hard as she can to hide her pain. The last thing she ever wanted was making Kira feeling guilty of her own fault. "What you said was the truth. I'm never alone, I couldn't possibly understand your feelings at all."
Kira flinched when she called him the same way she called him the first time he told her his name. However, that was not the only reason why he flinched. It was also because beneath those words, he could clearly see and feel the pain he had inflicted towards her carefree mind and her innocent heart. He yelled at her cruelly without thinking about the fact that she, of all the people that he knew, knows the pain of losing someone important. She had lost her whole family, exception if her father during the Junius Seven tragedy and then she lost her father too during the war. She was alone in this world.
Where as Fllay has him and his friends to comfort her when her father died, Lacus has no one at all to comfort her when her father died, since he died near the end of the war. Despite that, no one had tried to comfort her either after the war. They were all too busy to handle the aftermath of the war. And him? Instead of him comforting her, it was the other way around, just like everyone else, he had forgotten about her feelings and what is going on in her mind.
He knew that she had been crying herself to sleep from time to time after his cruel words. Yet, he has not made an attempt what so ever to apologize to her. Also, from time to time, he would hear in the middle of the night her screaming, often time saw her waking up while panting in sweat and shaking in fear. Yet, never did he go and check on her, or comfort her with a thought that she was just fine and is an adult already and can live through her nightmares.
Where as Lacus in the other hand, would immediately rushed into his room to make sure he was okay every time he woke up with a nightmare. Of course, then he would snap at her and told her to go away. Yet despite that, the next morning he would find her in front of his door the next morning sleeping while shivering in cold... and despite everything she had done for him, she had never asked him for anything in return.
"I'm the one who should be apologizing." Said Lacus as she forced herself to smile, even though she knew that she could no longer smile. "Well then, I guess I should be going now and not disturb you any longer." She then turned around and ran away from Kira as she felt tears pouring down from her cheek. She refused to show her weakness and cry in front of anyone, especially him. She wanted him to always remember her as a strong girl.
"Lacus, wait!' yelled Kira as he went after her.
Lacus blindly tore her way out of the cemetery and drove her car away from the place. "Everything will be just fine... Like usual, Kira-kun will forget everything by the time he's home. Don't worry Lacus, Kira-kun just need to pour his anger and depression out to someone again. That's all... he doesn't mean any of those words he said.." said Lacus reassuringly to herself.
She then thought for a couple of seconds...and remembered the look on Kira's face after he yelled at her. He looked like he has released everything that has been bottled up in his heart. " ... who am I kidding? Lacus Clyne, of all the people in the world, you should know that Kira had meant every single word he said...he was just saying all of those things that he had kept to himself... but Kira-kun, you're wrong about me. So please, don't judge me like how other people judge me...I'm not a heartless person... I know how it feels like to be alone..." muttered Lacus, shedding tears of pain and sadness as she drove through the rain, clearly not paying attention to the road.
Lacus was immediately brought out of her world when she heard a loud siren. Her eyes widened in terror as she saw another car in front of her. She immediately swerved her car to the side in attempt to avoid the incoming car. Her car collided to the pole nearby and the car behind her was unable to stop in time, thus, it was colliding with the side of her car. Lacus couldn't see what else happen as another car hit her car from the opposite side, crushing the metal into scrap pieces of metal. Some of the metal pierced its way into her flesh and the pain she suffered was more than enough to take her into the darkness.
"...I'm sorry, Kira...for being so selfish...good bye...I hope you reach happiness without my presence..." muttered Lacus. She then heard a concerned and panic voice called her before she lost her consciousness. Along with the last tear that slid from her eyes, the sky cried along with her.
End of Flashback
"Lacus I'm so sorry..." said Kira miserably as he recalled the last day he talked to her. He cried as he cupped her cold hand with both of his hands, trying to make them warmer.
Outside the room, Cagalli and Athrun looked into the room sadly.
"Whoever thought that he'd care this much about her?" asked Athrun mainly to himself as he wrapped his hand around Cagalli.
"If only she'd wake up..." said Cagalli. "I don't know what would happen to Kira if Lacus also died, Athrun. She was the one who has been keeping him sane since that girl died. She was the one who supported him and stayed by his side through this 3 years. What would happen to him if she also die, Athrun? I don't want to see my brother suffer even more."
"I know Cagalli, I don't want to see him suffer too... Lacus has been the pillar of his life eversince the war ends. Hell, she has been OUR pillar since the war ends, and she never asked for anything in return."
"I don't want her to die Athrun. I don't want her to be in coma forever. I want Lacus to wake up." Said Cagalli as she cried on Athrun's chest. Athrun slowly stroked her golden hair.
"Don't worry, she will wake up. She's a strong girl and we all know that."