For Ceasar's Palace One Shot contest presented by Estoma using the prompt 'Fear.'
It was the last days of spring; the morning fog lingered among the trees as a lover not yet ready to leave with the sunrise. Windows were left open to let in the sweet smell of yesterday's rain and to let out the smell of sweat and blood along with the long awaited cries of a newborn babe. This child meant they had finally won against all odds - even if it did take some convincing.
By that afternoon, the couple was left with whispered goodbyes and tiny waves as their visitors retreated through the large oak doors as quietly as possible.
"You look nervous," Katniss whispered to Peeta, who was still pacing besides the crib that smelled of pine. Peeta stopped suddenly, realizing his actions. He scrubbed his fingers through his hair that was still long from the winter months, and scratched the three-day stubble on his jaw.
"Sorry," he chuckled. "It's been a while since we've had this much excitement." Peeta carefully lay next to Katniss, unsure of how fragile she was after the ordeal. She took his hand and cradled her face in his palm, giving it a soft kiss before drifting off to sleep.
That was the last piece of quiet they had, for within the next hour, the baby started to cry and parenthood had officially started. Peeta's nervousness never wore off over the next day and it became more apparent when he cradled the child as he continued to pace. Katniss napped when she could; her waking hours were full of changing diapers, feeding, and reassuring Peeta he was going to be a great father. Yet two days later, her efforts of reassurance were failing. It was obvious Peeta hadn't been sleeping and that his nervousness was splintering into anxiety.
"Peeta, it's alright. I can take her," Katniss yawned, holding her arms out. Peeta's stride across the room had become labored and obviously painful, yet he kept moving: ten steps to the wall from the crib, six steps along the bed, bounce-bounce, six steps back… "Peeta. I said I could take her."
He shook his head and continued his ten steps back to the crib, "No, it's alright. I think she'll quiet down soon enough."
"It's been twenty minutes. I got her. She's probably hungry," Katniss said, sitting up a little straighter, but Peeta was still pacing. "Peeta, when was the last time you even sat down? You've given your leg a rest, right? Peeta!" she finished sharply which finally got his attention.
He turned and looked at her with tired, defeated eyes. "I'm sorry, she just won't stop crying."
"I know. It's nothing to worry about. Babies cry. Now give her here, she's hungry," she held out her arms again and this time, Peeta complied. Once the baby latched and quieted down, Katniss patted her hand next to her on the bed. "Sit down. Let me see your leg."
"No, no. It's alright. I'll be fine. I've been on my feet longer that this. Remember Thom's toasting?" Peeta was right, he spent almost five days in that makeshift bakery making all of the essentials from the cake to catering for the three-hundred guests - but he had time to sit down and eat once and a while. "While she's eating, I'd best get you something to eat too. I'll be right back." He leaned over and gave her a kiss before leaving the room.
Later that night, Katniss had Peeta watch the baby while she took a quick shower. It couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes but when she came back the baby was screaming and Peeta was pacing again, only this time she was still in her crib and Peeta was stomping back and forth scrubbing his fingers through his hair and tugging at his ears. Pacing was normal for new fathers, but this was turning into a new habit for Peeta. She was wary of where this behavior was headed.
"She won't stop crying. I… I can't do it. I fed her. I changed her. I walked with her. I… Katniss. She won't stop. She won't stop." Neither did he. He didn't even look at Katniss. His words were frantic; his breath was as fast as his pace. Katniss tightened her towel around her and walked slowly to Peeta before catching him in her arms and holding him still as she kissed his forehead, his cheeks, his neck, and his mouth. Katniss was scared Peeta would have another flashback. The stress was bearing down on him hard. She hummed in his ear and rocked him slowly until she felt him relax a little in her embrace. He was feverish against her cool skin still wet from the shower. The baby was still fussing, but she could wait a little longer. When she rocked Peeta to his right, he tensed and he inhaled sharply. Katniss demanded that he sit down so she could look at his leg. Peeta looked away and rubbed his knuckles against his red, wet eyes as Katniss unhooked the contraption from his swollen thigh. In the dim light it was not hard to tell how bad his leg had gotten - chafed red skin blossomed against white when the pressure was finally relieved. Blisters had begun to form.
"Katniss. You don't have to take care of me. I'm al-" Katniss shushed him and went to the bathroom to fetch a cool rag.
"C'mon, it'll be like old times," she said playfully, trying to lighten the mood, but instantly regretted her words when she saw the look of fear on Peeta's face when she returned. "I mean, remember when you were helping build the bakery? How gross your leg got, all sweaty and raw? You work yourself too hard. Always have," she said sweetly as she knelt down to tend to his leg, hoping his thoughts would leave the cave.
"You shouldn't have to take care of me and the baby. It's just so hard. She hates me," he sniffed and looked away. "Why won't she stop crying?"
"I'll get her in a minute. You get to bed. I mean it."
Peeta didn't move while Katniss tended to the tiny siren. He was still hunched over, rubbing his eyes. When Katniss' efforts to quiet the baby took longer than expected, Peeta started to rock in his seat at the edge of the bed. Soon he frantically had begun to fasten his prosthetic back into place.
"What are you doing?" Katniss asked, her words muffled by the large safety pin held between her teeth. "Peeta?" And with that, he was gone. Katniss hadn't the energy to run after him, and with her hands full and still only wearing a towel; she had to let him go. He knew better than she how to manage his stress. Maybe he would go to the bakery, or outside for some fresh air. Maybe even a drink with Haymitch to finally get some sleep. Katniss sighed and resumed her checklist of things to do to please the demanding queen.
Two days had passed, and there was still no sign of Peeta. She would tell her visitors that he was working, or tending to business errands that had piled up over the past week during his leave. No need to worry those who didn't understand. Greasy Sae would have understood. In her place after she passed, Greasy Sae's granddaughter only knew the couple after the dust in Panem had settled. She knew very little of Peeta's disorder, or the trials they faced in the past fifteen years to live a normal life. By the evening, Katniss assured Alaina she could manage on her own, especially since the chores were finished.
When it was time for bed, she found it easier – and much more comforting – to swaddle the baby next to her tucked amongst the pillows. Annie had sent Katniss a tiny soft green blanket embroidered with seashells and sea horses. Katniss' heart sank thinking of how alone Annie was at that time in her life. It had been a week since this new spark of light was delivered into her world, and Peeta had only been there for less than half of it. Peeta may have his moments, but he was sure to come back.
It was a tough night, but her routine set to increments of every two hours seemed to be working, and they both went to sleep without any tears. Soon, the morning light crept through the window, bringing with it a blush of color, but no warmth. Katniss turned over, pulling the blankets tighter. She smiled at the scent of her newborn left in the covers and slowly opened her eyes.
Katniss took a breath and slid her hand over the cool covers where her baby had laid. Her fingers clutched at the fabric while she turned over and looked at the crib. It too was untouched.
In an instant, her chest tightened and her stomach went sour. Her mind kicked into a hundred directions at once and then she was on her feet banging open every door in the house calling for Peeta. His studio was empty, as were the other three bedrooms and the study. From the kitchen to the back garden, she called his name, each time more frantic and desperate. She's gone. When she made it to the front porch, Haymitch had his front door open, peering across the way as he leaned on his cane.
"Haymitch! Have you seen Peeta?" she cried to her neighbor as she ran down the steps to the main walkway.
"I thought that's who you were hollerin' for. Nah, not since we had a cigar last week," Haymitch called back, never leaving the door stoop. He had seen and heard stranger things happen to his young friends, so seeing Katniss never break stride for the village entrance in her pajamas did not alarm him in the slightest.
Barefoot, she ran to the first place she could think of: Peeta's bakery. Her middle ached and her lungs burned as she pushed her fear aside. Peeta has the baby. Everything is going to be fine, she thought. He just didn't want to wake me, that's all. Sure, it's weird of him to not leave a note or come back without the slightest clue as to where he's been. It's fine. Everything will be okay.
She reached the steps of the bakery and pushed the door open. A bell cheerfully rang as she entered.
"Artos! Artos, where are you?" Katniss called into the quiet bakery. Artos' parents moved to 12 a year after the war in hopes to help rebuild the home of the Mockingjay. At fourteen, Artos had proven himself competent enough as Peeta's apprentice to keep the shop open for the basic necessities while Peeta was away.
A moment later, the boy poked his head around the corner, flour smeared across his dark cheek.
"Katniss! Is that you?" he asked, his face suddenly struck with worry. "Everything alright?"
She was out of breath, hunched over gripping her knees. The pregnancy had taken a lot out of her and she wasn't completely mended from the delivery.
"You seen Peeta around? Has he been here? At all?" she said before a dry cough left her throat.
"No. Not at all ma'am. Is he okay? Can I call someone?" he asked stepping closer to the counter, his hands tightening around the small towel slung over his shoulder.
"Shit, " she muttered. "Thank you, find me if you hear anything." Katniss stepped outside and at the bottom of the steps she began to feel dizzy. It was a mix of stubbornness and pride that kept her from asking for help. If word got out that Peeta was still having his episodes, their efforts of being a normal family would be torn apart by the town. I don't know what to do. Where is he? He's got to have her, I know it. What if he's had a flashback and he doesn't know who she is? Oh, please, please let them be okay. She brushed away her tears and forced herself to keep moving.
It was still early enough where that the streets were still quiet. On their walks through town, she and Peeta liked to rest by the memorial erected after the war. It kept him centered when he started feeling frustrated about what was real or not. It reminded him of what the Capitol did to all of the good people and how much there was in the District to be proud of. And that's where she found him, alone on their favorite bench. His shoulders were slumped over and his head hung low. Unsure what state she was in she slowed her pace as she approached him. On his lap was the soft green fabric casually draped over what could only be their child.
"Peeta," she said softly as she continued to step towards him. The bundle on his lap was quiet and unmoving. Katniss covered her mouth as her other hand fell to her belly. "Peeta, what did you do?" her voice quivered from her throat. He looked up slowly, his eyes red and swollen. He sniffed and his lips turned up a small smile.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, his brow knitted in shame. Katniss fell to her knees in shock. Not a single sound crept past her lips, only a tear made its move. It can't be. After all these years, Snow is still managing to use those I love against me.
Peeta's solemn features immediately turned to worry. He looked down at the quiet bundle in his arms and back to Katniss. Afraid to move, he stayed seated and shook his head frantically. "No, Katniss, no it's not what you think. Oh no. She's fine. She's sleeping. I didn't want to wake you. Come here please," he carefully slipped a hand out from under the baby and patted the bench next to him. "She's fine, I swear."
Katniss exhaled with relief and with a shaky hand, wiped her eyes. Her breath was still catching in her chest and she let out a stifled laugh in disbelief. "Where were you? You can't just run off like that," she said sternly. As she looked at Peeta, it was hard to stay mad, but he still had plenty of explaining to do. She slowly got to her feet and sat down on the bench next to Peeta. "Now spill it. What happened?" she asked again as she gently moved aside a corner of the small blanket to reveal a happily sleeping baby.
"I had to leave, I'm sorry. I found a room on the other side of town. I needed the quiet to think. I just felt so helpless. Plus I didn't want to hurt…" he cleared his throat and looked up at Katniss, his eyes begging her to not have to explain his fears of a violent flashback.
She patted his arm and nudged him, "I understand. It's been so long since you've had to deal with any real stress. I'm sorry I wasn't more attentive. How'd you end up here?"
"First, I wanted to see her and tell myself she's real. Not only real, but mine. Ours. Something the Capitol will never be able to touch. She started fussing and I didn't want to wake you, so I figured I'd walk her downstairs. And I just kept walking. I talked to her too and that seemed to calm her down," he said with a smile. "She likes hearing me talk. I told her about you, and how beautiful you are. I told her how I fell for you that day in school. Eventually, we ended up here, and I told her about all of the other great people we knew. We wouldn't have her without them."
"Is that why you were crying?" she asked, wiping his cheek.
"Yeah. I realized there is nothing in this world, or the past, that could ever make me hurt her. Is that why you were crying?"
Katniss looked away, almost ashamed to admit that she thought the father of her child had done the worst. "I'm so sorry Peeta. You weren't yourself the other day, and when she went missing, I don't know what I thought."
"I'm sorry. I didn't expect to wander off. Come on, let's see if Antos can whip up some breakfast for us," Peeta said and stood up slowly, still holding the baby in one arm as he braced himself with the other against the bench to get upright on his prosthetic. Katniss smiled and wondered if she looked that silly when she was getting up from the overstuffed couch while she was pregnant.
The two shared a slightly burnt cheese loaf Antos made and watched through the bakery window as the rest of the town woke up and started their day. They nestled the baby in a breadbasket and set her on the table where they both could keep an eye on her.
"So, Mrs. Mellark," Peeta said, pushing the last bits of bread towards Katniss, "I really am sorry. You still love me? Real or not real?" he asked as he sucked the last bits of crumbs off of his thumb.
"Wake me up next time."