:A/N: I hope none of you will take this seriously. If you do so, you're running in danger of ... um... (must think something up).
:Disclaimer: I don't own HP. He most certainly belongs to JK R. Although I'd only want to own the first three books.
:Claimer: Plot is mine. Made it up yesterday night while talking to Incapability on the phone.
Rated T for character death.
Beta-read by Lady-Miranda-Van-Tassel.Thank you a lot!
:Summary: Harry Potter's last war. Why Hermione ends up with Lucius, why Ginny and Neville stick together and so on. Parody. HB-6 spoilers.
The bitter, the true, the Ending
A HP Parody for the Strong
It was a hot summer morning. Harry Potter sat up in bed and scratched his head. Some moments later he remembered where he was and how the last happenings made him feel… slightly miserable. He had lost one of his best friends, Dumbledore. Every being of the world would now shake in fear of Lord Voldemort. And that situation would, most certainly, be corrected by our glorious, yes, from triumph and courage. The one and only who was left on earth to defeat the dark. Dark, dark Voldi. Oh. I most sadly apologize for my inappropriate language. A tragedy with such an impact should be treated as such. Voldemort. Lord Voldemort.
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Hermione knocked on the door, not waiting for an answer and opend it."Harry! You're still in bed! Did you forget whe have to battle V- ...V..."
Harry chuckled. "How do you want to kill him if you can't even speak out his name?"
"That's not my point!" Hermione went over and dragged Harry out of bed. "We ?-have - to - go!"
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Twenty minutes later, Harry, Hermione and Ron were standing in front of the Burrow. All of them shaking in fear, nobody seemed to bring up courage to ask what would happen. But as Hermione grabbed a book out of her bag, Ron sighed.
"Hermione! How can you concentrate?"
"V? V? he said he'd get here! Didn't you read the letter a thousand times?"
"I… I can't read."
"Uh. Sorry, Ron, I forgot. Well, then I'll read it out to you again." Reaching into her pocket, she took out a piece of paper that was pink and smelled like roses.
"Dear Hermione, please tell Harry I'll kill him tomorrow. After that, I'll celebrate my glory. Will pick up all of you tomorrow. Greetings to Ginny, I miss her. So, it says here that he will –"
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A moment later, there was a green lightening and all of them couldn't see. It was followed by a dull noise of something falling to the ground.
Then, a voice rose up.
"Hermione! There you are!" It was Lord Voldemort's.
Ron and Hermione screamed in fear, both looking down on Harry's body. "Oh no! He slipped and broke his neck!"
"Well," Voldemort laughed and scratched his head, "I guess he's rather allergic to green lightning."
"Ah."
"So, shall we go?"
Ron looked up. "What? We? With you? You just killed our friend!"
"I meant Hermione." Voldemort held out a hand to her, which she immediately took. "Ron," she said, "excuse me, but he's so handsome!"
"What about me? I thought you loved me?"
"Yeah. Well. Those couple of nights we spent together is nothing against him!" She looked up to Voldemort who was smiling brightly.
As they turned around to leave a desperate, broken-hearted Ron behind, Voldemort turned around once more. "It's this book... I'd read it... "The best Lover," not even expensive."
Voldemort and Hermione disappeared in a cloud.
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Some miles away, Snape sat down on a hill, waiting for his Lord to come. Narzissa and Malfoy sat next to him, both licking around. When their noises grew to loud for cold Snape to sustain it, he said, "Narzissa, could you please get your tongue back to where it belongs?"
Malfoy nodded. "Yes. Back into my mouth."
"Why yours?" Snape was visibly angry now. "She's mine!"
"My wife? Yours? Wait, am I daydreaming?"
Narzissa stood up, shaking her head. "Didn't we say I could have sex with both of you?"
"Did I say that?" Malfoy looked confused.
"Yes," Snape lied. "You did. Just yesterday."
"Oh. Okay. Well then, it's your turn." Malfoy watched Snape stand up and walk off with his wife.
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Meanwhile, Ginny tried to turn around to face Neville. But as they grew together on their butts during the night, they couldn't really face each other.
"Neville, I told you we can't do that thing we read in this book!"
"But it says here 'The perfect lover is able to do everything. You'll notice that especially this position is not very difficult.' "
"You have to read what is written in small letters, too! What does it say?"
"'You'll know you did wrong when'..."
"Your butts stick together?"
"Yes." Neville looked smashed. "Sorry. I should have –"
"It's okay. The question is how we can defeat Voldemort now."
"Do you think he read this book, too?" Obviously, that was all Neville cared about.
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Again some miles further away, Lucius stood up from a rock. "Wait! I didn't say that! Snape! Come back with my wife!"
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"Harry's dead, Hermione leaves with Voldemort, and my mom can't bake. That's it. My life's over." Ron laughed hysterically as he killed himself with his mother's sewing needle.
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"Voldemort?"
"Call me Susan."
"Why?"
"Because I feel more like a woman."
"Okay- so, Susan, why do you love me?"
"Well, Hermione, because Snape actually wanted you but I decided to steal you and make him fall in love with Narzissa."
"But what about Malfoy?"
"DARN IT! I completely forgot that! Ah, no! Why? W - h - y?"
"Why what?"
"Why didn't I poison him?"
"I don't know."
"Ah, maybe that was too expensive. You know, these days one has to be really careful about finances."
"Right. What are we going to do now?"
"Dunno. I killed Harry and I have you. Nothing more to be happy about!"
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And so, Ginny and Longbottom (!) remained together until their last meal wanted to come out. Both of them died of blood loss. Snape had his way with Narzissa, Lucius is, by the way, still trying to find them (he doesn't know that Snape stole Harry's Invisibility Cloak), and Voldemort and Hermione still live happily ever after. Oh, yes, there are still Ron and Harry's bodies? That's probably what Lucius will eat when he's hungry (the word DeathEater gets a very new meaning here), trying to find his wife.