A/N: This is the former astralvigilante, author of Degrassi: The Boring Point. I can't access that account anymore, so here we are!
In a dark, cold, slimy, disgusting, filthy, dilapidated, gross, nasty, icky, unpleasant, foggy, and creepy dungeon, the Eli people actually like opened his eyes. He tried to move his hands, but quickly felt the resistance of some very strong ropes. Had he been kidnapped?
From the dark, evil shadows, a male figure slowly emerged. Eli gasped in horror as he looked into the stranger's eyes. They were Eli's eyes. Standing in front of the young, incredibly dramatic hoarding Goth boy who wrote stories about drinking his girlfriend's blood was an identical stranger.
"Who are you?" Eli demanded. "What do you want?"
The stranger snickered. "I'm you," he said.
"No offense, dude," Eli said, observing the boy's shaggy brown hair and socially normative clothing, "but apart from probably being my genetic identical, you look nothing like me."
"That's right," spoke the evil imposter. "I am what you'd look like if you were a two-dimensional hipster enjoying his first semester at NYU. Muahahahaha."
"You go to NYU?" Eli asked. "But you and I are identical, and I'm only sixteen. How can you be old enough to go to NYU?"
The doppelganger threw his head back and laughed. "You fool! Right after the dance where Adam got shot, I kidnapped you and since then, I've been taking your place. It's been almost two years now, and I've been pretending to be you, and so far not a single person has figured it out!"
"What have you done?" Eli asked with shock.
"Well, I've given your friends a few pieces of quirky advice," the clone recalled, "gotten high with the guy Clare got with after she broke your heart. Made some terrible movies while I was high and tried to use them to get into film school. You know. The usual."
"High?" Eli asked with disgust. "You mean like on marijuana? Because I'd never do marijuana. If I were going to try an illegal substance, I'd definitely go for absinthe. It helped Edgar Allen Poe create some of his best works."
The poser snickered. "Oh, Eli. You love weed! As a matter of fact, the only people who like weed more than you are Jake and Miles Hollingsworth the third."
"Miles who?" Eli asked.
"Think a skinnier, bisexual version of Declan."
"Declan?" Eli asked. "You mean Fiona's brother? The guy who people can't agree on whether he raped someone or not?"
"Yes, exactly!" the evil twin snickered.
"Well, whatever," Eli groaned. "Whoever you are, you're not getting away with this. Clare will never believe you're the real Eli Goldsworthy."
"Oh, but she already does! And I've already done the deed with her and cheated on her!"
Eli wasn't impressed. "Are you fucking serious? God, you sound like the reincarnation of Fitz right now."
"How do you know I'm not? Fitz could be a shapeshifter. DID YOU EVER ASK FITZ IF HE WAS A SHAPESHIFTER?"
The thought had never actually occurred to Eli, because he sorta figured Fitz was just your average low-life perverted creep who beat up trans kids and used Jesus to get laid.
Speaking of trans kids, Eli looked to his right where he could hear someone struggling against a piece of mouth tape.
"Adam?" Eli asked. "Adam, what are you doing here?"
The evil Eli clone ripped Adam's tape off. "Well, hello, Adam. How are you feeling after the accident?"
"Like I just won the lottery," Adam said sarcastically. "Why am I tied up in a basement."
"Because, my friend," the doppleganger said. "We faked your death so Drew could hook up with Becky."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Adam said. "There's no way Becky would go for Drew, and Drew's done dating every girl I like just to be a dick."
"Don't be so sure about that," spoke the Eli imposter. "You might be mistaken." Fake Eli rolled in a TV monitor, where he turned on the surveillance he was keeping on the kids at Degrassi. "Check this out," he said cruelly.
On the TV screen, Becky was going for Drew, who was not done dating every girl Adam ever liked just to be a dick.
"Becky," he said, with a dramatic sigh. "You're the last girl I'll ever be able to steal away from my brother." Drew started to tear up. "I don't like dating girls my brother didn't like first! You saw how badly it went with Marisol and Alli."
"Actually, I didn't go here back then, remember?" Becky asked. "I moved here for um…reasons or something. Oh right, isn't my brother on the Ice Hounds?"
Drew shook his head. "No one fucking remembers that shit."
The two teenagers leaned in for a passionate kiss.
BWADEVVUR
AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAH
I CAN MAKE IT!
WHATEVER IT TAKES!
IKNOWICANMAKEITTHROUGH!
Let's face it. The intro isn't even a real song anymore. You thought that Boiling Point intro with all the AH-WOOOs was bad. This is just terrible.
School started, and Clare was pouting in a corner.
"Hey, Clare!" Drew said cheerfully. "You wanna stop pouting in a corner and hang out with the guy you cheated on your boyfriend with for no obviously good reason even though that guy has a girlfriend now who gets jealous really easily?"
"As tempting as that sounds, I suddenly hate you," Clare said sternly.
"Why do you hate me?" Drew asked. "I've never done ANYTHING that would make someone hate me. Not even one thing in my entire life."
Clare rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you're a real stand-up guy and all, but while I had cancer I realized that life is too short to be friends with you."
"Why?" Drew asked. "I'm like the perfect friend!"
"No you're not," Clare said. "The only reason you're president and I'm vice is because you dropped out of high school to buy yourself another year on the show."
"That's never bothered you before!" Drew said. "Come on! What's the real reason you don't want to talk to me."
"YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!" Clare shouted.
"Oh shit," Drew said. "Well whatever you do, please don't tell Becky cuz uh, she really just wants an uncomplicated, drama-free relationship with the big brother who didn't stop her dead ex-boyfriend from driving off into the woods in the middle of the night and crashing a stolen van into a tree. If you tell her you're having a baby, shit might get complicated."
"Even if anything you just said made sense, it doesn't matter because I'm having an abortion!" Clare said.
"Oh, great! I'll make spaghetti!" Drew cheered.
"I changed my mind!" Clare announced. "I'm keeping it."
"Dammit Clare," Drew frowned. "I was really looking forward to making spaghetti."
Meanwhile, somewhere else in the school, Becky started handing out flyers for the brand new, totally unlike anything Degrassi has ever done before "power cheer squad."
"Wow," Imogen said cluelessly. "Doesn't Degrassi already have a power squad?"
"This is different," Becky explained. "This is the power cheer squad. It's a sport. Power squad's just a sad attempt the writers made at giving Chantay an actual purpose back when she was on the show."
"Wow," Imogen said. "That does sound totally different. I'm pretty convinced."
Zoe walked up to Becky all, "I would love to be on the team."
"You can't cuz you got gang raped," Becky said.
"Refusing to let people on your cheerleading squad because they got gang raped isn't very Christian," Zoe said.
Becky considered this. "Yeah, but I'm such an uncomplicated, drama-free person that I just can't possibly have you around ruining my life."
"Are you kidding me right now?" Zoe asked. "There is so much freaking drama on this show centered around you. You're practically the new Clare, I swear that all they'd have to do is give you a new boyfriend with guyliner and you'd be the same person."
"That's not true!" Becky said. "Stop saying lies!"
"You're dating the brother of the ex-boyfriend who freaking gave his life to try to text you. Your best friend made out with that boyfriend and is lying to you about it. You pretended to be gay to get that best friend to like you more than Jack. Oh, and your brother's in jail for gang raping me and your parents don't understand why that makes you uncomfortable around him. You have a lot more drama going on than I do."
Becky shook her head. "Nice try, but Imogen would never make out with Adam. She's a lesbian, and even if she wasn't a lesbian, she's not the kind of girl who would creepily stalk a guy who is already in love with a melodramatic, moody Christian girl and try to take advantage of his frustration by hooking up with him."
"Yeah!" Imogen said. "Wait, what?"
"Have you seen Imogen's first couple of seasons?" Zoe asked.
"If I had watched seasons 10 and 11," Becky continued, "do you think I'd date an unrepentant sinning man-whore like Drew?"
"Good point," Zoe said. "You got me."
Later that day, Becky and some random people including that Jack person Imogen is sort-of dating were cheerleading in the gym.
"HEY, BECKY!" Zoe shouted, so that everyone at the pep assembly could hear. "Drew impregnanted Clare!"
The shock of that shocking news sent Becky plummeting to the ground in shock, fracturing her ankle in the shocking process.
"Guess a spot just opened up on the team," Zoe said.
Mr. Simpson sighed. "Where's Mrs. Torres? This is about the time where she should be marching in here to yell at me about how Becky falling was my fault and she's not going to risk her son's life by letting him go to a school where a girl could break her ankle."
"Oh yeah," Drew said. "My mom joined a cult to try to resurrect my brother."
"That is literally the only plausible explanation for why she hasn't had a fit about anything so far this season," Mr. Simpson agreed.
Meanwhile, Miles was all, "Tristan, even though I wanted nothing to do with you when we met, I suddenly find myself viciously attracted to you."
"Okay, wow," Tristan said. "I thought I was doomed to spend the rest of my life dating extras. Upgrade!"
Miles nodded in Tristan's direction. "What you don't realize, baby," he said seductively, "is that a lot of people are pissed off that Degrassi effectively killed 1/3 of the trans representation on television. They think that by making a random ass guy go bisexual for you, they can win back the LGBT community."
Tristan had never cared much about the LGBT community, mostly because it didn't concern his hair, body mass, or relationship prospects.
"Oh no," Tristan said. "If I'm dating you, that means I'll get more screen-time. More screen-time means I have to stop acting like an unlikable stereotype who's actually more unbelievable than Dave was that time when he was trying to get in character as my boyfriend."
"You can do it, Tris," Miles said. "God, our relationship is like a shitty fanfiction."
"There is NOTHING fanfiction-like about us. By the way, what do you think of EClare? They're totally my OTP."
Miles realized he was late for his father being a rich douche bag, so he excused himself and went home.
"Miles!" his mother shouted with disgust, horror, contempt, and fury. "You knew your father was going to be a rich douchebag at 5 today, and you're ten minutes late! This could cost him his entire rich douche bag career!"
So then Miles was all, "I have a boyfriend!"
"Having a boyfriend after you had a girlfriend recently is silly," Miles's dad said. "Bisexuality doesn't exist. The same people who think that condoms are a form of abortion believe that's been scientifically proven."
"Why should I care what those people think?" Miles asked.
"They're the only people who will play golf with me," pouted his father.
"WHO YOU PLAY GOLF WITH IS NOT MY PROBLEM!" Miles shouted. With that, he stormed off.
"MILES, YOUR YELLING MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YELLING!" Mr. Hollingsworth shouted.
"YEAH, WELL I DON'T CARE WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YELLING!" Miles yelled. "YOU AND YOUR YELLING CAN GET OUT OF MY LIFE."
Then, Mr. Hollingsworth thought for a moment and concluded that acting like an abusive psycho was the best way to handle this situation. He shoved Miles into the wall.
"GOD, DAD, STOP BEING AN ABUSIVE PSYCHO!" Miles shouted.
"Oh, son, son, son, I'm so sorry!" Mr. Hollingsworth said. "I've never shown remorse for a single thing I've ever done in my entire life but that is something I'm super sorry about."
"Whatever!" Miles pouted, storming off to the outside world, where Maya was hiding in his bushes with a pair of binoculars.
"MILES!" Maya shouted, jumping in front of him with her signature pout.
"What, Maya?" Miles asked. "We're broken up. Move on."
"YOU'RE NOT OKAY!" Maya shouted. "TALK TO ME!"
"I don't wanna talk to you, okay?" Miles asked, throwing a lawn chair across the room. "I'm TOTALLY okay," he said, ripping the fire hydrant out of the lawn and throwing it through a neighbor's window. "I'M NOT EVEN ANGRY! This is me being totally fine!"
Maya shook her head. "No, you don't understand! I've dated a suicidal guy before and you're making him look like Pollyanna."
"No one knows who Pollyanna is anymore," Miles said.
"Sure they do," Maya said, getting up in his face and screaming at the top of her lungs. "WHAT'S WRONG? YOU CAN TALK TO ME, OKAY! I'M A TOTALLY NON-THREATENING PERSON TO TALK TO WHO ISN'T JUDGMENTAL OR IN THE LEAST BIT PSYCHOTIC!"
"Whatever," Miles brooded. "You're not my friend. My only friend is Mary Jane."
"God, you have so many girlfriends!" Maya said cluelessly. "I knew you weren't gay."
"I'm bi-freaking-sexual," Miles said. "Does no one know what that is on this show?"
"No," Maya said. "On Degrassi, you're either gay or not into labels. That's just how it is."
The next day, Zoe was being cheer capitan. "Okay, girls. I have a really important announcement to make. In order to get over people sending naked pictures of me around the school without my consent, I'm going to send naked pictures of you around the school without really asking for your consent. Any questions?"
"How is this a good idea?" Frankie asked.
"Because it's a terrible idea that's bound to end in police arresting me for distributing child porn, and that's the kind of bad decision-making that has allowed Degrassi to survive to season 14," Zoe explained.
"Fair enough," Frankie said.
Later, Frankie took a photo of her breasts which her brother downloaded and masturbated to.
"Zoe," Frankie said the next day. "I can't do this anymore. See, my brother is getting off on my hot body and as much as people assume that Miles and I are the new Declan and Fiona, I'm not into incest."
Zoe rolled her eyes. "Such a prude, amirite girls?"
The whole squad, including Jack who you think would be more a feminist given her rantings about heteronormativity, a word which I did not learn until college, agreed with Zoe.
"I'm sorry, but I just don't see how not wanting your brother masturbating over a picture of your breasts is prudish," Frankie said.
"You're off the squad!" Zoe shouted at the girl who was her friend five minutes ago.
So then Drew accidentally told Audra that he got a girl pregnant.
"This is fantastic!" Audra said.
"What are you talking about, Mom?" Drew asked.
"Drew, ever since your brother died, I have had no excuse to go to the school and yell at Mr. Simpson. He's been my main punching bag for years now. I can't sit home and knit anymore, Drew."
"I thought you were trying to resurrect my brother," Drew said.
"Yeah, but learning the dark secrets of witchcraft and sorcery only takes up a few hours a week," Mrs. Torres explained. "I need someone new to emotionally abuse for no particularly great reason. Does Clare have a spineless parent I can bitch at?"
"Yeah, I think so," Drew said.
"Good!" Audra laughed maliciously. "Then we're going there RIGHT NOW."
So Drew and Audra went to Clare's house to have the big pregnancy talk.
"GOOD GOD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" Audra shouted. "What in the name of FUCK made you think it was a good idea to have sexual intercourse? I can't believe that my son, a boy who went to the boiler room with Bianca while he had a girlfriend and who cheated on Katie with her later, which I know because the video of it went viral, would just up and HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE irresponsibly! This is positively SHOCKING! I had no idea my son was even interested in sexual intercourse, let alone irresponsible sexual intercourse!"
"Stop saying sexual intercourse," Drew pleaded.
Audra did not listen. "My fucking GOD! Clare, what on Earth made you think it was a good idea to have sexual intercourse with my numbskull of a son?"
"I had cancer!" Clare defended.
Audra rolled her eyes. "Cry more, you delusional girl! Having cancer and thinking you were going to die and then suddenly getting a fresh start on life only to find out that the love of your life cheated on you is no excuse to make a bad decision."
Clare shook her head. "You're wrong. A few months ago, I thought I'd never have the chance to have a pointless fling with a super-senior who cheated on my best friend sophomore year. Now that I have a second chance at life, I have to take opportunities as they come."
"What the fuck does that have to do with being pregnant at eighteen?" Audra asked. "I am now going to stand here and judge the fuck out of you, you big floozy."
"That's my daughter you're talking to!" Clare's mom said.
"Yeah, well your daughter dated her own step-brother and your other daughter said she was going to Africa but then ran off to join the cast of 90210 instead, so you're clearly an imbecile too!" Audra shouted.
"You know what would be really funny?" Drew asked. "Mom, you should sign up for trading spouses and blow up at someone on reality TV. It'd make us just enough money to support this baby."
"Why would I bitch at someone on national television when the town of Degrassiville has SO MANY PEOPLE I can yell at?"
"Good point," Drew said.
"So, you're definitely raising the baby in this house," Clare's mother said. "It would be really shitty to make the producers build another set after they've been using this one for so long."
"No!" Clare said. "I'm going to New York with Eli! He'll help me raise the baby."
"Isn't Eli some emo kid who crashed his car into a wall over you?" Audra asked.
"Now's not the time to be judging people who crash their cars into walls over girls," Drew said.
"Fine," Audra rolled her eyes, "but when Adam reincarnates, I am going to have ONE HELL OF A TALK WITH HIM. I don't care if he's reborn in a rural village in Zimbabwe, that boy is so grounded."
"This is a Christian household," Clare's mother warned. "I don't like all this talk about reincarnation."
Audra laughed. "Since when? I can't remember a single time when any of you people even mentioned being Christian since season 11."
"You're being unreasonable," Clare's mother said.
"OH, I'M THE UNREASONABLE ONE!" Audra shouted sarcastically.
"Mom, you're talking about grounding someone who died last summer," Drew said. "You're talking about grounding the reincarnation of someone who died last summer. Maybe you should get a massage and try to chill the fuck out."
"I WILL NEVER CHILL THE FUCK OUT," Audra shouted. "If I wasn't shouting all the time, I'd just be another boring old mother on Degrassi like this washed out character."
"Watch it," Clare's mother said, without raising her voice at the woman who was losing her shit.
"I'm going to run off and find Eli!" Clare announced.
So Clare did that. Unfortunately for her, the Eli she met was not the Eli she fell in love with in season 10, but the hipster imposter who had the true Eli tied up in a dungeon.
"Eli, I'm pregnant," Clare said, not noticing that Eli's normal hair color means that there's no way he's the real Eli.
"Hold on, I have to talk to Spinner. He's back on the show."
"And I still work at the Dot," Spinner said with an uncomfortable grin. "Isn't that the saddest thing you've heard all day?"
"Pretty much, yeah," Clare said.
"Okay, let me put on my psychotic jerk flying into a rage face real quick," the fake Eli said. He fished that face out of his backpack, then shouted, "OH MY FUCKING SATAN, CLARE. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PREGNANT?"
"It's Drew's," Clare said.
"OH MY FUCKING SATAN, CLARE! HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME? I'VE TOTALLY NEVER CHEATED ON YOU, LIKE EVER!"
"Yeah, you have," Clare reminded him.
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT, CLARE. YOU'RE RIPPING MY HEART OUT!"
"Oh, go write a play about it," Clare said.
Eli's doppelganger laughed maniacally. "There will be a play, Clare. There will be a screenplay! I am going to make a movie about how the evil Clara Edwin ripped Ari's heart out if it's the last thing I do! Only now that I'm a hipster, I'm going to do it ironically!"
"Eli, I can't imagine my life without you!" Clare said, for real.
"I DON'T CARE!" the imposter Eli said, for real. "That was pathetic," he frowned. "I'm not being nearly a big enough jerk. God, what would K.C. do in this situation?" Then, it hit fake Eli in a wave of inspiration. "MY LIFE IS BEING HELD TOGETHER BY TAPE, CLARE!" the guy who's way too out of character to actually be Eli shouted.
"That didn't make sense when K.C. said it in season 10, and it makes even less sense now!" Clare responded.
"Well TOO BAD!" the replacement Eli said, before storming off in a huff.
Will false Eli take Clare back? Will Clare figure out that her Eli is an imposter? Will Becky keep dating Drew, or will she meet some weird Christian kid with guyliner, insist she's not really dating him, then kiss him and have to admit it to Drew in some big dramatic mess? More importantly, will Audra figure out that Adam's not dead, but is actually just tied up in a hipster's basement? Will the writers turn Zoe gay and give her a foe-yay crush on Frankie? Are there way too many fucking characters on this show now? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK OR SOME OTHER TIME WHEN I UPDATE THIS FIC!