For Haley. Thank you Cortney for being an amazing beta. :)
Dear reader, I hope you enjoy this.
Lazarus has no dirt on me …
Clarke just wanted to run and run and run. Away from her people so she didn't see the pain on their faces, away from any Grounders because she couldn't handle their betrayal, as far away from Mount Weather where the corpses still lay, and away from Bellamy, because that was a whole different level of pain. And so she ran.
Not far at first, just to Lincoln's cave, where she broke down and cried for hours. Or was it scream for hours? Lincoln found her there two days later and looked at her like he understood. How could he? How could he know what it feels like to run away from everything you've ever known?
He handed her a backpack, "You're gonna need this. It's not much, but you can't be out here alone with nothing."
Clarke wanted to refuse at first, because who cared if she managed or not. She wanted to tell Lincoln so, that she would just have to be fine on her own but he had silenced her with a pointed look before she could even open her mouth.
So she just nodded, "Thank you," and accepted the supplies.
She turned away from Lincoln and he started to leave the cave, but then stopped.
"We have all done terrible things, Clarke, every single one of us. The world down here is always trying to turn us into monsters. It's a constant fight not only to survive, but to live. Do what you must, take as much time as you need, but once you have accepted it and learnt how to breathe again, come home."
Tears ran down her cheeks and she wiped them away angrily.
The next day, Clarke left the cave. At first she just walked and walked, leaving everything and everyone behind, needing solace and peace and quiet. She deserved to be alone for what she had done. She deserved to feel the pain and hurt. She deserved to be broken and damaged. Her hands were covered in blood and the blood couldn't be washed away. Not this time. Not again.
When hours turned into days and days turned into weeks, Clarke realized that no matter how far she walked, how long she traveled, how much she ran, she could never escape it. Because she carried it with her. She bore it because she had to.
Bellamy was back with his people but the place didn't feel like home. Nothing felt like home anymore.
In the days that followed their return from Mount Weather, they had decided on a council – Abby and Kane from the Arkers, and Bellamy and Raven from the Delinquents. Raven only accepted on a temporary basis, until Clarke got her shit together and came back, as she so neatly put it. It was a defense mechanism for Raven and he accepted it although he wasn't sure she would come back. The funny thing was they didn't talk about Clarke, at least not to each other. Although Bellamy could feel the sharp looks Abby threw him behind his back, blaming him for not making her daughter stay.
When he had broken the news to them that Clarke was gone, Abby broke down, Raven looked upset and angry and let out her frustrations at Wick, and Octavia at first looked at him with some sympathy but then said, "Good. Me and her are done," turned around and walked away.
Bellamy divided his time between spending time with his people, trying to help them either by talking to them or just keeping them busy, and working on expanding the camp. If they were going to stay there – and he wasn't going anywhere – they would need more space, better security, and a whole new system. The delinquents were still suffering from everything that had happened at Mount Weather and Bellamy didn't know how to help them but keep them busy. So he made them work, made them help, plan, and build.
Bellamy worked throughout the day and as long into the night as he could because once he laid down in his tent, the hurt started - he remembered everything that had happened and images kept popping up in his head. His physical wounds healed but the mental ones remained. It had been a while since he had time to breathe and not plan and worry 24/7 and it came with a price. Some nights he suffered nightmares from his time in the cage, sometimes he was being drained and prodded like cattle, other times drilled into. He dreamt about killing all those people, about the dead kids in Mt Weather. So many dead. And then there were nights when he dreamt about losing his people, about losing Octavia and, more often than not, Clarke. He always woke with a start, trying to calm down by telling himself that he was safe, back at the camp, that Octavia was fine and that Clarke … he couldn't tell himself anything about Clarke. Because even though it was only a nightmare, he really lost her, didn't he?
No matter what he did, he couldn't escape the nightmares, he couldn't escape the pain, so he worked until he couldn't stand anymore and just fell into his bed, too exhausted to think, let alone dream.
Clarke was on her way toward the sea. After walking around aimlessly for a few days she found a map in the pack Lincoln left her. He had circled a place by the sea and Clarke decided to find it. She vaguely remembered Octavia telling the delinquents there were peaceful people there, that Lincoln knew a woman named Luna that would help them, so she decided to see where the map lead her. She hasn't decided to actually talk to any people yet, that was still up for discussion. However, it was better to walk with a goal in mind than just wandering around, risking being found.
The walk was long and hard but Clarke enjoyed it, wanting to feel the burn in her muscles. She was exhausted by the end of every day and when she lay down at night, she always recounted all the things she had done: burnt Grounders, Finn, TonDC, Mount Weather. And on the days she felt she really needed to punish herself it went: burnt Grounders, Finn, TonDC, Mount Weather,Bellamy. She repeated the words until night took over.
She didn't understand how she could have let the town be bombed, but there had been so little time and she had needed to act and her people had to come first. Exposing Bellamy would have been a risk she has never been willing to take, not really. She had only said it was worth the risk because she wanted to push him away. They had grown too close and people close to her always got hurt. And Bellamy didn't deserve to get hurt. She allowed Lexa to guide her, and after Finn's death she had pulled up walls, and decided to send Bellamy away. But she had only put him in more danger, and she almost got him killed. She knew how he had survived, she knew the basics of what had happened to him in that mountain but she also knew he hadn't told her everything and to be completely honest, she was afraid to find out. She didn't deserve his forgiveness.
She knew it had been his plan in the first place but she also knew he was willing to stay and find a new one. She understood he would have gone if she had asked. It's what made her wake up in the middle of the nights, gasping for air was the words she spat at him coldly, It's worth the risk.
The people in Mount Weather hadn't given her a choice in the end but she regretted not finding a better solution earlier on. Clarke had tried so hard, sacrificed a piece of her soul along the way and in the end still had to surrender the whole thing. Her people were safe, albeit broken, but they were alive. At least what was left of them.
The color of her vibrant blue eyes reduced to a dull grey, she continued her journey to the sea.
Things got better and people started to heal. It has been two months since they've returned from Mount Weather, two months of hard work and not enough time to think, two months of Clarke gone. Abby seemed to have accepted Clarke being gone, even if she hurt, Jasper and Monty were still not talking, even though Monty tried, Miller and his dad were rebuilding their relationship, Raven was putting the pieces back together with the help of Wick, and Octavia and Lincoln were closer than ever, training and teaching their people to fight and defend themselves, to survive. And Bellamy? He was basically running the camp. It was amazing how much Kane respected him and always listened to him now. He never would have thought he'd ever be in this position but he was. And he liked it, he did, he just wished he didn't have to do it alone.
Octavia asked him about it once, about his time in Mt. Weather and the decision to pull the lever.
"There was pain, applied by the mountain men who saw us as less than human, considered us blood bags and organ donors. The worst thing isn't the pain though, the pain they are inflicting, or the fear of the pain that is yet to come. And it will come, you know it. It's knowing that even if the pain stops, that they've changed you. The pain, the despair, the fear it makes you someone else, it changes you into someone you barely recognize in some moments. Your view changes, the experience shapes you, it marks you and stays with you forever." Bellamy dragged his hand over his face and continued, "But I knew, in that moment that I didn't want anyone else to go through what I and many others had gone through. Especially you, I had to protect you, protect our people. So that's what we did."
Octavia hugged him then, silent tears running down her cheeks, and he held her close. There wasn't anything she could have done. He just needed time.
Bellamy started sleeping a bit better at night, not always, but the nightmares seemed to occur further and further apart. Drinking every now and then helped, and keeping busy helped more. At first he thought moonshine would slay his demons, but instead the alcohol only opened his mind to memories and his feelings for Clarke. He wasn't a social drinker; he always took a bottle and disappeared into his tent, which was a big mistake because in there he was alone with his thoughts.
And his thoughts weren't something he wanted to deal with. He remembered telling Charlotte to slay your demons during the day so they wouldn't haunt you at night, but somehow he couldn't do it this time around, somehow the demons followed him wherever he went. He wanted to scream, yell, and blame Clarke for everything. He was so angry she had left him alone with all this, so pissed off he had to deal with everything – his well-being and everyone else's – on his own. They were supposed to be there for each other, help each other out, and lean on one another. But she had run away.
He was also angry with himself. He knew if he had chosen better words, he could have maybe convinced her to stay. If he asked her to, really asked her to, maybe she would have heard him and stayed. He should have tried harder.
Bellamy wanted to punch something but he couldn't because no matter what, he understood. Clarke had been selfish for so long, had put everything else first and she deserved however much time she needed to glue herself back together. No matter what anyone said, he understood. He wished she would have let him help her, he wished they could have done this together as they've done everything else together, but apparently she didn't need him as much as he needed her and that was okay.
He buried his head in his hands as the room spun around him. He had never wanted to grow close to her, he had never wanted to let her in, but he did. And because he was a fucking idiot, somewhere along the way, he fell in love with her. He hated himself for being so weak, he didn't want to love her but he did anyway. Because – if you haven't guessed by now – he was a stupid fucking idiot.
Bellamy held on to hope that she would one day return and make him whole again. He didn't need her to love him back, he just needed her by his side and he would be okay. He needed to protect her and keep her safe, even though she was more than capable to do it on her own. But she shouldn't need to. She shouldn't.
Why did she believe she was swallowed in darkness when in his eyes she shone so bright?
Clarke had almost arrived at her destination but she couldn't make the final steps to the shore. She could smell the salt in the air, could hear the ocean, but couldn't bring herself to walk over the sandy hill and take a look at it.
It has been a dream of hers for so long, to find the sea and be amazed by all its glory, to let her breath be taken away by its beauty – but now that she was almost there, she just couldn't do it. So she turned around and walked into a nearby village.
She met Luna and exchanged some of the shitty pelts she had made along the way for food and medicine. The grounders showed respect and some awe when she told them her name and she regretted it immediately. She didn't want the recognition, she didn't want them looking at her as if she was a hero, she didn't want any of it. But she needed to trade and so she did. She stayed outside the village and only ventured into it when she needed to.
It wasn't the trikru, it was the sea clan and since they weren't Lexa's people it made things easier. She came to understand why Lexa did what she did but understanding didn't equal forgiving. She had left her and her people to die, walked away without a glance and never turned back. She understood, since Clarke herself has eradicated the Mountain, but she couldn't forgive. Not Lexa, and certainly not herself.
Bellamy knew he shouldn't have drunk that much the previous night. He had a long day of hunting in front of him and he needed to be focused. He usually did a better job, he had been responsible and took care of his people, the best he could.
But it had been Raven's birthday and she insisted. And since he had a shitty day, he wasn't that hard to convince. But now his head was pounding, he was thirsty and hungry every second, and he just wanted to lie down. Instead of all that, he was tracking a panther through the forest, spear in his hand and rifle on his back. Monroe was on his left and Miller his right. They had been tracking the animal for a while now and Bellamy knew they were close.
He liked the forest, he felt better surrounded by trees than he did by walls. It reminded him of their first days by the drop ship and even though they had built walls there too, it was different. The forest lurked with many dangers but he had never felt freer than he did surrounded by the lush green.
Bellamy was looking for something, although he wasn't completely sure what. The camp was progressing nicely but it still didn't feel like home. And that was his biggest problem. He didn't feel like he belonged there and on some days he didn't want to be there at all. The walls were closing in on him, the pressure was enormous and he just needed to breathe. He couldn't leave though, because he had made a promise. His people were there and he didn't want to abandon them. And he also needed to be there in case she returned.
Because he was lost in thought, he wasn't paying enough attention to his surroundings. He knew the panther wasn't that close but he missed an old trip wire on the ground. One minute he was walking and the next he was hauled into the air, smashed into a tree.
The last thing he remembered was something sharp piercing his skin and his head hitting the trunk of the tree. After that, everything went black.
Octavia's heart started hammering in her chest the moment she saw an exhausted Monroe and Miller carrying her brother into the camp. His shirt was torn and covered in blood and she dropped whatever she was doing and ran to meet them.
"What happened?" she asked frantically, brushing Bellamy's hair back, rushing him into the med bay. She couldn't lose him, they've been through too much together and her brother has sacrificed and done so much for her. She couldn't lose him, were her thoughts as her heart constricted.
"An old grounder trap," breathed Miller.
"He got impaled on a branch and hit his head," added Monroe, her mouth in a firm line and Octavia paled.
"It took us a while to get him down," said Miller, laying Bellamy down on the table. "Because of the branch," he added when Octavia looked at him like she wanted to kill him.
"Keep pressure on the wound," she instructed Monroe, even though the girl knew how to do it by now.
"How bad do you think it is?" Monroe asked worriedly as Miller disappeared from the room.
"I don't know," Octavia bit her lip nervously. She had some experience but now it was her brother lying on the table and she couldn't focus, couldn't stay objective. "I don't know."
Lincoln chose that moment to enter the tent and he rushed to Octavia's side. He didn't say anything, just switched his hands with Monroe's and lifted the cloth. Blood started to spurt out and he started to put pressure on it again immediately.
"He needs a doctor," said Lincoln. "Plants won't help with this."
Octavia felt chills down her arms that continued straight to the bone. "There isn't anyone here," she whispered completely shaken.
Lincoln closed his eyes. Abby, Kane, and some guards had gone on a diplomatic mission and they were about a four day walk away. The worst thing is they took Jackson with them because the kids in the nearby village were suffering from some kind of an outbreak. Nyko was who knows where with Lexa, probably Polis.
The only other doctor they knew was Clarke, but she was gone.
Octavia was shaking, running her hands through Bellamy's hair and whispering something into his ear. She was strong, she could do this.
"Octavia," Lincoln took her face between his hands, "You have to pull yourself together. I know he's your brother and I know you're scared. But you're a warrior and I need you to be strong now."
Octavia straightened and nodded. Whatever it took, she'd do it.
Harper came running into the room, Miller on her heels followed by Monty. Harper had the most experience with wounds, learning under Jackson for the past few months because she needed to learn how to heal and how to help.
She stepped on the other side of Lincoln and lifted the cloth again, confirming his suspicions.
"I don't know if any of his internal organs are damaged," she said. "If I stitch him up and they are, he could bleed out internally. If I don't stitch him up, he could bleed out. If I leave it the pieces of the branch, we're risking an infection."
Harper continued her examination and focused on the wood still inside Bellamy while tears shone in Octavia's eyes. "There is some of the branch still stuck inside of him. No foam around the wound which is good, but I don't know if I should take it out. It's between his ribs and pretty close to his lungs and I don't know how. If I pull it out wrong, I could puncture his lung and we don't want that."
They couldn't wait much longer, so Lincoln decided to take action.
"Monty, get some of the green paste we made last week. It will buy you some time," Monty nodded and ran to get it.
Lincoln grabbed Octavia and pulled her to the side, "Stay strong. I'm gonna get some help and you stay here and keep him alive. If I haven't returned yet and he gets worse, remove the piece of the branch and do your best."
Octavia nodded and he leaned his forehead against hers just for a second, so she could draw some strength from him. She'd need it.
"Harper will help you, and the others too," Lincoln kissed her quickly. "I'll be back as soon as I can. Just keep him breathing."
"He can't die," said Octavia seriously, although there was a storm in her eyes, "he isn't allowed to. Please."
"He won't," promised her Lincoln, praying he wasn't lying to her. "I have to go."
With a quick nod to Harper and the other, he left the med bay and ran to find a horse.
He mounted the black stallion and rode out of the camp. He stopped at the end of the road, battling over which one to take. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and prayed to the gods it wasn't the biggest mistake he has ever made.
He took the path on his right.
Clarke has spent some time with the sea clan, helping them when they needed a doctor, going hunting even though she wasn't the best at it, and painting. The grounders were surprisingly accepting and never bothered her with questions. Every now and then someone would tell her something wise because everyone could see she was troubled no matter how many walls she built up. Most of the time Clarke would just ignore it but as time passed, she started to breathe a little easier. She was trying to do good, helped whenever she could. She didn't accept what she had done nor had she forgiven herself, but baby steps. She didn't feel like crawling into a hole and dying all the time anymore.
Painting helped. At first she painted those whose lives were lost and those whose lives she ruined but then she decided to paint the scenery too, their old drop ship, the camp, the river and the cave. It was paint from plants and not exactly on paper but it helped. When she painted, with her fingers no less, her mind rested. She was so focused on what she was doing, she didn't have time to think about what had happened. For a little while every day she just let it go. There was still much work to be done, this wasn't over by a long shot but it was a start. She'd always be damaged, the experience so far on earth having changed and molded her forever, but they won't define her forever also. She wouldn't let it.
Clarke cried even though she wasn't a crier, she fought herself and others, battled her own demons and slowly started to heal. Maybe not putting the pieces back together quite yet, but at least discovering there were still several pieces of her there after all.
She left the clan a while later, back towards where she came from. Not home yet, she wasn't ready but she was ready to be closer to home again. The sea clan and Clarke parted on good terms; they supplied her with food and medicine for the services she provided even though Clarke knew it wasn't completely fair. They've done much more than she had. She also knew she could come back if she ever wanted to. And maybe she would but the moment wasn't right. She liked the sound of the sea and the salt in the air; she liked the calm and the breeze.
She never saw the sea.
Clarke had heard the hooves before she saw the horse and its rider. She hid behind a tree not knowing whether it was enemy or friend, her breaths coming rapidly.
The rider almost rode past her but at the last moment she saw it was Lincoln and she moved. His head snapped around to her and he stopped the horse. The horse protested but Clarke moved towards him, knowing immediately something was very wrong.
"Clarke," said Lincoln urgently.
She knew Lincoln wasn't there to try to bring her back, she knew something terrible must have happened. Lincoln didn't play games and she trusted him enough by now to know he came with an important purpose.
Before he could explain what that was, Clarke reached to grab onto his arm and he lifted her up behind him. She held close and hoped there would be enough time for her to do what Lincoln came to get her for.
"What's wrong, Lincoln?" she asked, her eyes closed, scared of hearing the answer.
He turned the horse around and sped towards Camp Jaha, "There has been an accident."
"I've figured that part out," Clarke admitted, "Who and what kind of accident? And why are you getting me?"
"Abby, Kane, and Jackson are on a diplomatic mission with a few others and the remainder of the med staff is suitable for minor cuts, sprains, breaks and bruises but this is more serious. Since both doctors are a few days away from camp, I tried my luck trying to get to you."
Clarke didn't think about why she went with him so willingly, she expected to put up a fight but somehow she didn't. She just knew the moment she saw him she needed to go.
She was glad she followed his map and he was able to find her. "Lincoln," she repeated, "what exactly happened?"
"A team was out hunting and one of them triggered an old grounder trap. He got pulled into the air, smashed into the trunk on a tree and somehow impaled himself on a branch," he explained.
Clarke's whole body froze, dread overcoming her. Her heart started hammering in her chest and she couldn't seem to breathe in enough air. There was enormous pressure in her head and he hands started to shake. She knew, before he confirmed it, she knew.
"Bellamy," she whispered. Lincoln just nodded, confirming her fear.
Oh God.
Octavia and Harper did whatever they could. They packed Bellamy's wound with gauze, used some of the paste and kept him covered and warm. He was unconscious most of the time, only waking up once.
His eyes opened and he looked confused for a moment before his face contorted in pain. They gave him some tea that had some pain relievers in it but neither was sure how much he was allowed to drink, so they were careful.
"You had an accident, Bell," told him Octavia, running her hands through his hair. He was warm but not burning yet.
"A trap," Bellamy rasped out and groaned when he tried to move.
"No," warned him Octavia. "Don't move, don't even try to, just lay here, help is on the way and they're gonna fix you right up, you'll see."
"Who are you trying to convince, me or you?" Bellamy closed his eyes, tired.
"I won't let anything bad happen to you, big brother, I promise." There shouldn't be a need to keep repeating these words to each other but somehow they always did.
She grabbed one of his hands and sat on a chair next to him, pulling his hand to her lips. "Come on, Bell, fight. You gotta fight; your fight is not over yet."
There was no response, he lost consciousness again.
Harper was sterilizing her hands again to check the packed wounds. She changed the gauze and applied new bandages.
"How does it look," asked Octavia.
"The same. The good thing is it doesn't look worse, the bad thing is he isn't getting better either. There is no fever yet but he is losing color. I want to hook him up on one of these drips, but I'm not sure which one is the correct one. They are only color coded." Harper was biting her nails, worried.
"You're doing well," told her Octavia. She was thankful for the time she'd spent with Indra. A warrior cannot change what they cannot control. And Harper was doing the best she could. She just needed to have faith in Lincoln that help would be there soon. The old Octavia would have panicked by now, but the new Octavia had to stay strong.
She didn't leave his side and after a few hours, he started burning up and Octavia knew they couldn't wait for much longer without risking an infection. He called out for her once and for a moment she thought he was awake but then realized he was only delirious. She brought a bowl of cold water and a cloth and started wiping his forehead and arms, trying to cool him down.
The next time he called out, he did it in a low tone with a strained voice. And he didn't call out for her, he called out for Clarke.
It was nighttime when Lincoln and Clarke arrived back at camp. It was quiet and there weren't many people outside Clarke took in the camp, her chest tightening. For a moment she wanted to jump down from the horse, turn around and run away.
But she couldn't because Bellamy was hurt and she had to help him. The camp seemed bigger, there were some new structures, maybe a few cabins on one side. Clarke could only make out a few changes in the dark.
She'd have more time to explore later, although she wasn't sure she would. At the moment it was time to get to Bellamy.
The med bay was still located in the same spot and Clarke ran to it. She entered the room and stopped cold. Miller was sleeping in a corner, Harper was standing by the patient, a relieved smile on her face as she saw her and Octavia turned around swiftly when she entered the room. Clarke didn't linger on her, just nodded. O's eyes were cold and scared.
What made her stop though was Bellamy. She couldn't see his face because his sister was sitting by him but she saw the bandages, the bloody rags on the floor, the torn shirt and his pale skin. Her heart almost stopped but she stepped forward anyway. She willed her hands not to shake too much.
Her eyes watered and fear enclosed her heart. She walked to clean her hands with a disinfectant and put on some rubber gloves.
"Harper," Clarke prompted her and Harper explained the situation. Clarke removed the bandages and examined the wound. She would have to remove the small pieces of wood that was still lodged inside and then see if they punctured any important organs.
She never looked at his face.
Miller stirred and jumped on his feet when he saw Clarke. He looked confused, but at the same time, relieved. That moved Clarke, making her feel trusted, and she nodded at him.
Clarke started to work, dusting the wound with a powder she got from the sea clan first to numb it. She worked methodically and with precision. And she did her best not to let her knees give and crumble to the floor. After an hour she managed to remove all the pieces of the branch and she determined no vital organs have been damaged and sighed in relief.
She cleaned the wound as best she could and started stitching. Everything but Bellamy on the table in front of her disappeared. The stitches were neat and not rushed. One more scar left on his skin. She put a balm over the wound, something she obtained from the sea clan healers as well and then covered it with a paste from plants Monty had prepared. Harper provided her with fresh bandages and she put them over the wound and secured them with tape.
"Now all we can do is wait," she whispered. "If the fever doesn't get down, we have to give him t some seaweed tea."
She heard Lincoln and Octavia arguing behind her, Lincoln telling her she needed some rest but Octavia not wanting to go. Harper was washing her hands and Miller squeezed her shoulders in thanks before he exited the bay. Harper came around and hugged her and Clarke stiffened before awkwardly returning the hug.
Octavia ignored her.
"Can you stay with him for a little while?" asked Clarke without looking at her. "I just need to clean myself up, then I'll be back to check on him and you can rest."
"I don't need to rest. I'm not going anywhere." Stubborn as always.
Before she left the room Clarke had looked at him and bit down on her lips to keep quiet.
She exited the med bay and ran behind a structure and threw up. She has been scared and after all her work of getting better, she almost crumbled again when she saw Bellamy laying there on the table. The wound wasn't so serious and she was grateful but it could have been. It could have been much worse and for all she knew he could have died. Just a centimeter to the left and he would be no more. She could have lost him and she couldn't handle that. It was too much.
She slid down to the ground, leaning on the wall behind her. Her eyes watered and she put her head into her hands. Even though they've had a rocky start, Bellamy was one of the most important people to her. He was her best friend, her co-leader, her partner and he almost died today. Clarke sobbed into her hands. She had abandoned him. He needed her and she had walked away.
She wasn't prepared to lose him. She has made so many mistakes in the past but she needed to make things right with him. She needed him in her life, in whatever capacity he'd be willing. Whatever he wanted, as long as it was by her side. He made her strong, he made her better, and he understood her. He wasn't dark. Never has Clarke had such an intense and strong connection with someone as she had with Bellamy. He was her rock and her compass and he needed to get better.
Clarke stood up and grabbed her backpack. She knew Abby was gone and she hoped she still had the same quarters. After changing her clothes and cleaning herself up, she felt better. Bundling her hair into a bun, she left the room and went back to the med bay.
Her breath caught again when she entered, "How is he?" She never wanted to see him on that table again.
Octavia was still sitting in the same spot, "Same."
Clarke nodded but didn't say anything, just went to check him herself. He was still hot and Clarke went to prepare some tea.
She sat down on the other side of Bellamy after, pulled her legs to her chest and kept watch.
Somebody was pouring something down his throat and he coughed it up.
"You gotta drink, Bellamy, come on," he heard a voice say but he didn't want to. He wasn't thirsty, he was so hot and also cold and everything hurt. He tried to open his eyes but he couldn't. His eyelids were so heavy and his arms were pure lead, so he couldn't lift them either.
He didn't like the feeling of being paralyzed and he started to panic.
"You're okay, you're okay," the same voice from before tried to calm him. "You're okay, Bellamy, just breathe."
The voice was his anchor and he focused on it.
"I know it hurts and I know it's scary but you're gonna be okay. I just need you to drink this, will you please try," said the sad voice. "Please, Bellamy, for me."
He wanted to tell her he'd do anything for her but he didn't have the strength. She seemed to understand or just tried her luck again and this time he didn't cough it back up but swallowed it.
"There you go," the voice seemed happier, "just a little bit more."
He felt something cold on his forehead after a few moment and when the voice started talking again, he felt calmer and peaceful and the darkness claimed him again soon after. He never heard her plea, "I know I'm the one who left, but you have to come back to me."
It has been a long 24 hours for Clarke. She hadn't moved from Bellamy's side, hadn't eaten or slept. She only had some water. His fever spiked soon after the operation and for a while it was touch and go but they finally managed to get some fluids into him. It was a long night and Bellamy was restless every now and then, delusional a lot of times and slept through others.
Several times he called out for either Octavia or her and Clarke's heart panged every time he did. She has tried to be strong for so long and she knew she'd do everything necessary for him to get better but she couldn't bring herself to put her walls up. It took too much effort and maybe he didn't deserve it either.
So she let herself feel. Feel the pain, the regret, the fear, the despair – she let herself panic for a while and then banished those feelings and let hope replace them. When his fever broke about two hours ago, hope bloomed in her chest and it was a feeling she hadn't felt in quite a while.
Octavia was so happy she actually smiled at her and then proceeded to lie down on the cot in the corner. Lincoln came back twice during the night to check up on them but he knew Octavia needed to be with her brother, so he let her be.
The others would probably be back soon and Clarke knew that Miller, Monty and Harper were probably keeping her being back in camp quiet because Raven hasn't made an appearance yet.
"Where am I?" a pained voice interrupted her thought process.
Clarke's hand first flew to her mouth and she bit back a sob that threatened to erupt. Then she ran her hand through his hair, grabbing the cup of tea and bringing it to his lips slowly. He drank greedily, his eyes still closed.
"You're in the med bay, had a run in with a tree," smiled Clarke.
Bellamy actually snorted, "Looks like I won."
"Barely," replied Clarke. It was too much of a close call. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I've been run over by a truck," groaned Bellamy.
"You don't know what that feels like, Bell," she rolled her eyes. If he had his wit, he must be better.
"It's a figure of speech, princess." Clarke grabbed his hand and ran her thumb over it in small circles grateful. She felt like she was able to finally breathe again.
Before she could get Octavia, he was out again. She lifted his hand to her lips and kissed it.
He slept through most of the next few days. He woke up a few times, but Octavia was at his side and Clarke didn't want to interrupt. She wanted to give them some privacy and slipped outside to fill her lungs with some fresh air and maybe grab some nuts and berries.
Before she could even take a good look around, she ran straight into Raven. Literally.
"Hey, watch it there, Griffin," Raven barked without any real malice.
Clarke just looked at the mechanic and slowly started to return the girl's grin with a small smile and the next moment they were hugging.
"You're an idiot but I've missed you," chided Raven.
"I've missed you too," Clarke responded and she had. Aside from Bellamy, Raven was probably her best friend and they've been through so much. It had been hard walking away from her friends, her people but she knew it was also something she just had to do if she wanted to survive.
"How's the other idiot?" inquired Raven.
Clarke chuckled. "His fever broke, the wound is looking good, so I think he'll be just fine."
"Good, he has more luck than brains," commented the brunette although they both knew she had been worried for him too. "Wanna grab some breakfast?"
Clarke just nodded and went with Raven. Raven must have known she didn't want to be assaulted by a hundred questions and a bunch of different people, so she took her to her shop where Wick saluted her before teasing Raven about not being able to stay away from him for more than two minutes.
Miller, Monty, Monroe, and Harper joined them a few minutes later and Clarke found herself surrounded by friends. It was a good feeling and she enjoyed it. Everyone was careful with her, probably afraid she'd break any minute. She had a feeling Raven wanted to tell her some things but she remained quiet. Maybe the other delinquents had asked her to or she was waiting for a better opportunity.
Forty-five minutes later she started feeling restless and she was itching to go back to Bellamy. Raven noticed and just nodded at her, forming Go with her mouth.
When she returned, Octavia was sitting beside Bellamy and he was back asleep. She sat down on the other side, resuming her previous position and watched him.
"Thank you," Octavia's firm voice filled her ears.
Clarke's gaze snapped up, "I'd never let anything happen to him if I could help it." She had gone down the wrong road once before but never again.
"I'm gonna get some food now that he's better." Clarke nodded and Octavia left the tent.
She checked Bellamy's temperature and was relieved to find it it was completely normal. She rechecked the wound and changed the bandages. If everything went according to plan, he'd be just fine.
Grabbing one of his hands in her own again, she rested her head on the side of the table he was lying on and closed her eyes for just a second.
When she woke up later – she wasn't sure how much later – the first thing she saw were deep brown eyes looking down at her.
"I thought it was a dream," said Bellamy.
Clarke was confused. "What?"
"Earlier, I don't know exactly when, but you were here and we were talking and I thought it was only a dream," he clarified. "I was sure you weren't really here."
"Oh." Of course he would think that. "It wasn't a dream." Realizing she was still holding his hand, she squeezed it. She probably should have let go of it but she didn't want to. Not yet.
He had the most intense look on his face, a mix between hope, anger, pain and something else. Clarke knew she should get up, get him something to drink, maybe a few berries too but she couldn't move. She held his gaze and just continued to run her fingers over the back of his palm.
She knew he had questions, she knew he wanted answers, but maybe right then wasn't the time for that. It could wait until he was get better. Although when he got back on his feet, the first thing she was going to do was yell at him for getting hurt this way.
When he tried to roll onto his side, he winced and Clarke stood up, finally letting go of his hand and walked to get him some meds and liquid.
"It's gonna hurt for quite a while, you need to rest and take your meds," she explained although he probably knew already. "No stupid things, Blake."
She knew he was ready to protest but he was in pain so he didn't push it. "Not for too long though."
"For as long as it takes," Clarke whipped around and walked back to him.
Bellamy took the meds and pulled the blanket higher, shivering slightly. Clarke noticed, "I'll get you a clean shirt since you ruined your last one." Her tone was too icy. Now that she knew he'd be okay, the relief was replaced with anger.
"Well, I'm sorry for getting impaled on a branch," Bellamy spat.
"You should be. What were you thinking, being so reckless," she knew she shouldn't push him but he made her so angry. "You should know better."
"You're not the boss of me, so save it, okay?" He didn't raise his voice like she had, but it was dark and bitter and she felt the coldness in her bones.
She wanted to yell but noticed the sweat on his forehead. He was still exhausted and she should have known better. "I'm not doing this now, I'm gonna get you that T-shirt."
She turned around and walked out but before she was out of earshot, she caught his words, "Run away. You're good at it."
She closed her eyes as if he had physically hit her and felt the pain all over her body and soul.
Bellamy knew the moment the words left his mouth he fucked up. He didn't even mean them, not really, but he was angry and hurt and most of all confused so naturally he lashed out. She had caught him by surprise. He wasn't sure if he was ever going to see her again, even though he hoped. And then he was in pain and she was lecturing him like it was her right and he exploded.
When Octavia brought him the shirt he thought for a second Clarke was gone again. He had driven her away. But Octavia quickly shook her head, "She's still here."
She helped him with the shirt and then explained what happened over the last few days. His own memory was very fuzzy and he was happy somebody filled in the gaps.
Over the next few days Clarke came in regularly to check up on him, changing the bandages and cleaning his wound and monitoring his overall healing.
He apologized immediately the next day, "I'm sorry. I was being an ass."
She nodded, "I'm sorry too."
And even though they both apologized, they also knew the argument was far from over. The apology didn't really solve anything, just postponed the matter.
He moved back into his own tent and felt the improvement immediately. Even though the tent was shitty, the antiseptic smell in the med bay was making him sick and claustrophobic. He had been offered a room inside but he declined it, needing to feel the air around him. He needed to be outside.
He also wanted to return to work much sooner than he was able and was in a sour mood most of the time because of it. Clarke couldn't even remember how often she had to send him back to his tent with a glare. She should have just camped outside his tent.
Since she was keeping tabs of him she also managed to notice the crazy amount of girls that wanted to check on him. She was sure all these well-wishers only wanted to sneak a peek. Clarke snorted every time a girl asked about him.
Time passed and he was getting stronger. Clarke removed the stitches and gave him permission to start working again. Which was good because he was getting stir crazy and everybody knew it.
But that also meant she didn't have a purpose in camp anymore. Bellamy had noticed she spent some time with Raven and Wick, and hung out with Monty, but she never got involved in the camp's business and that didn't sit so well with him. Because he knew what it meant and he didn't want it.
Abby and Kane radioed in, telling them they were on their way back and when Abby learned Clarke was currently in camp, she made her promise to not disappear before she came home.
"Are we gonna talk about it?" asked her Bellamy when they were walking back to his tent one evening.
"Talk about what?" Clarke pretended not to know although he noticed her hands retreating into fists.
He pulled back the flap and let her enter first, "Clarke," he started when she sat down on his cot and looked up to him warily.
He leaned on his shitty table and when she didn't say anything, he had to ask, "Are you staying?"
He felt like the seconds dragged on for hours and when she shook her head all hope fled from him and he felt crushed. He dropped onto his chair and put his head into his hands, elbows on his knees.
Bellamy tried to understand and in a way he did, but he had just got her back. He couldn't lose her again. The pain in his chest was immobilizing him.
"I just can't stay, Bellamy," Clarke explained. "Everywhere I look, I see evidence of what I've done, what I've caused and even though I realize I still have friends here, I also see the accusations. Jasper can't even look at me."
"Jasper can't look at me either, and I'm still here." He ran his hand through his hair, sighing. "What is running away gonna solve, Clarke?" he looked her in the eyes. "You can't run forever and I've just got you back. I'm trying here, I really am, making good on the promise I made. But the truth is, it doesn't feel right. Nothing is right."
"I just don't know what to do, Bellamy," she admitted, "but I feel like I don't belong here anymore. Not after everything I've done, all the pain I've caused. What I've done can't ever be undone. And I've come to accept it in a way, but this place here, I'm just not ready yet."
"Look, Clarke, first of all you weren't acting alone. We've both done it, so that isn't all on you. Even before you came to the Mountain, it wasn't all on you. And to be honest, I'd probably have done the same thing there, too. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, but I understand why."
There was so much pain in her eyes.
"But look around you, Clarke. All these people, all your friends, they are still here because hard decisions had to be made. They wouldn't be here otherwise."
She didn't say anything.
"You've told me once I couldn't run and now I'm telling you, you can't run, Clarke. You need to face it and you need to heal. I can see it in your eyes that you're better but I know you're not well enough yet. But you can't run. Let me help you, let us help you." He was pleading now; he was doing something he promised he wouldn't do. But he couldn't lose her again, not so soon.
"I don't know how," her voice sounded broken.
"I do, we do it the way we do everything, together," he offered, hoping she'd agree. He had come to accept that they worked better as a team a long time ago. They were strong on their own but together they were their best selves.
Bellamy stood up and sat down next to her on his bed.
"Together," she asked looking at him with such sadness it nearly broke him.
"Together," he affirmed. "I know you haven't forgiven yourself and I know it will take time but I have and many others have and it's a start. We go from there."
It has always been her initiating the contact between them but this time he needed to. He slowly put his arm around her shoulder and hugged her sideways. She leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes.
"Okay," she whispered.
"Okay?" he asked, his heart skipping a beat.
"Okay," she repeated and sneaked her arm around his waist, needing to feel his strength. "Can I stay here tonight?" she asked quietly. "I'm scared I'm gonna run if I'm on my own. I'm just … scared."
"Of course you can," Bellamy told her and kissed her forehead gently, holding her close.
Clarke woke up after one of her better nights. Sleep was a rare commodity and she felt rested and calm. It took her a moment or two to realize she was nestled into Bellamy and that he was still asleep. They were both fully clothed, huddled under a furry blanket that pooled around their waists. Her head was on his shoulder and her arm was draped over his waist. She checked to make sure she wasn't lying on his wound.
She couldn't remember the last time she woke up and the first thing she thought of wasn't something painful and tragic. So she just lay for a while longer, enjoying her quiet mind.
She wouldn't be Clarke however if she didn't start thinking about the previous evening. Bellamy had told her before she was forgiven and it felt as good this time as it did back then. He has always given her strength, support, and understanding and she has missed him more than she ever thought she would in the past months. And she knew without a doubt she wanted him in her life. Always.
Bellamy stirred and Clarke untangled herself, sitting up. She pulled on her boots and stood up. "I'll be right back," she murmured without looking at him. She couldn't understand his response because he was still half asleep and that made her smile for the first time in months.
She went to find the bathroom and splashed some cold water on her face. It was a while since she's seen a mirror and she looked so thin. Along the way she has also cut her hair a bit below the shoulders and she ran her fingers through it now, untangling the mess.
Grabbing two cups, filling them with some sort of coffee, she returned to Bellamy. He wasn't in the tent and she put the cups down on the table and sat on the chair.
He came into the tent a few minutes later and Clarke offered him the cup of coffee which he accepted gratefully.
"I don't want to stay here," Clarke said, "I can't."
"Clarke," Bellamy started, looking broken.
"No," she interrupted him before he went down that hole and she hurt him again. "Let me explain."
He just lifted his eyebrows and she took it as a go ahead, "We made it work back at the drop ship. Now obviously that is gone and we have a place here. But it's doesn't feel right, it reminds me of everything that has happened, of everything I've done. And I just can't stay here. I want us to move away."
She nibbled on her lower lip, awaiting his response. What if he didn't want to go? Leave this place?
"Okay," he breathed out. "Where, how, and who?"
"Whoever would want to. I think quite a few people would come, especially the delinquents. Some would want to stay and I'm okay with that. We could stay in contact, meet up and everything, but I just need to be away from here. So I don't know, the ones who want to go, take our stuff, grab some supplies, and just leave?"
It wasn't a bad plan. They hadn't arrived with much when they first came down and she knew they could do it again.
"Okay," Bellamy nodded, "but where would we go? We don't know the lands, we don't know the enemies." He started pacing. "We could ask Lincoln, he might help."
"I know a place," Clarke grabbed him by the hand to stop him from moving. He just looked at her and so elaborated, "I've been to the sea. Well, not completely there but in the vicinity and I stayed with some grounders there for a while. They are part of a sea clan and Lincoln knows them. There is a lot of land there and we could build a settlement somewhere near the clan. Or they could at least point us into the right direction."
He was nodding, "Tell me more."
And so she did. She started at the moment she left, telling him about Lincoln, about her trek to the sea, her time with the sea clan and the time on her own. He seemed interested and she hoped she was making a strong case for the move. They talked for hours, revising some old wounds too, elaborating on the talk they had on their way back from Mount Weather.
Clarke felt the guilt and she'd feel it for a long time to come, regret was soaked in her bones and pain held her soul hostage, but maybe this was a new beginning, a new start.
"I don't have all the answers and I have a lot of questions myself but I feel good about this," Clarke admitted.
Bellamy agreed. "It doesn't feel like home."
"What?" Clarke didn't understand.
"This place, Camp Jaha, it doesn't feel like home. I've tried to fit in and I knew we've accomplished a lot but somehow it never feels like home. No matter how much we build, how involved we get, it just doesn't."
Clarke nodded, knowing well how he felt.
"It's okay not knowing all the answers," Bellamy grabbed her hand. "We'll figure it out."
They involved the others and waited for them to make their choice.
In the end quite a few people decided to go with them. About two thirds of the delinquents and their families – if they had any – and also some Arkers. Jasper wasn't ready yet and decided to stay behind, but Monty, Miller, Harper, Monroe and of course Raven and Wick were on board. Octavia would never let Bellamy leave her behind and Lincoln would never leave Octavia so they went too.
Clarke's reunion with Abby was emotional and her mother didn't like the plan of her daughter leaving again, not when she just got her back. But when she promised to stay in touch and to keep working with Camp Jaha as well as made her understand she needed this, Abby let her go. But they made plans for this settlement to be an extension, just at another location.
Preparations were made, provisions gathered and they set off a few days later. Clarke and Bellamy were leading the group, they loaded three carts with supplies and Raven – she walked on and off. Clarke copied some designs too, even if it was hard for her at first. The majority of supplies and designs came from Mount Weather. The Arkers went back to it, buried the dead and took a lot of their supplies and blueprints. For a second the adults considered moving in there but that idea was quickly off the table.
Lincoln and Clarke talked about the sea clan, she shared what she knew with him and he told her a lot about his experience. The clan was known to be very peaceful and he had some friends in it. Bellamy and Octavia both listened, adding a few comments here and then, asking questions when needed.
They camped at night and after breakfast the next morning they were on their way again. The walk there lasted three days. On the third day Bellamy's head snapped up when he smelt the salt and Clarke smiled.
"We're almost there," she said, grabbing his hand without really thinking about it.
Bellamy squeezed back but when she thought he'd let go, he surprised her and didn't. So she kept holding on, too. It felt good and calmed her. She's been excited and nervous at the same time – were they doing the right thing, what if she was leading them to their deaths, what if this turned out to be another bad decision?
"Stop worrying," said Bellamy, "you'll get wrinkles."
And then he winked. And Clarke snorted.
The four of them – Clarke, Bellamy, Lincoln, and Octavia – rode ahead to the grounder village, to ask for permission and advice. They were granted an audience immediately and it was interesting how different it was from Lexa's clan.
Clarke was still uncomfortable with the way they looked at her but at least now she wasn't the only one they addressed.
They greeted Bellamy and Octavia and Lincoln actually hugged Luna. They were old friends, he knew her from when he was younger. She first thought they were asking for passage to the other side but when they explain their wishes and plans, she agreed.
"Clarke of the Sky People," she said, "we'd be honored to grant you land in these parts."
"Good," murmured Bellamy only for her ears, "It'd be a shame to have to walk back."
Clarke subtly elbowed him in the ribs.
They agreed on the terms, a suitable piece of land, and after joining them for dinner, they went back to their people. Since it was late, they decide to camp for the night because they still had a little further to go and everyone was exhausted.
When dawn hit, they gathered their things and went on their way. An hour later they stopped when they reached the place they marked on their maps. It was a clearing surrounded by woods on one site and sandbanks on the others. They unloaded their backpacks and Lincoln led the horses to a steam marked on the map, just a little further into the woods.
"This will do," said Bellamy, already making plans in his mind. "We will need to surround it with a fence again, to keep us safe, from the woods and everything in it and on this side from the sand. We can make several towers for keeping watch and doing patrols."
"And we can build cabins," complimented him Clarke, "maybe build a med bay, some kind of a hall – a mess hall maybe, and council room in the center, maybe to the side."
Bellamy found himself nodding, "It's gonna be a lot of work. Hard work and it's gonna take time to get it all done."
"Yes," smiled Clarke, "but we can do it, can't we?"
"Of course we can."
Raven and Wick walked over, "I know you're already making plans but let's rest a little before we get really into it. Take a day off and just relax."
Before Clarke could answer her, Raven added quickly, "I know you don't like to have fun or know how to relax but today is as good day as any to start." Then she winked at her.
"I can be fun," Clarke protested, remembering uttering the words before. Why did nobody believe her?
"Sure you can," chuckled Raven. "Make you a deal," she suggested. "You don't talk about plans and work today and Wick and I will let you know what we have planned for this camp. And what Monty came up with."
Wick looked excited but Raven shook her head in a firm no.
"Ugh," groaned Clarke, "fine. But only today. Cause there is a lot to be done." But when Raven threw her a warning look, she held her hands up in surrender.
Raven and Wick went to set up their tent and Clarke turned to Bellamy, who had remained silent through the exchange. He was sporting an amused look.
"What?" protested Clarke, "I can be fun."
He just laughed and grabbed her hand again. It felt just as good as the first time. "Come on," he said and started to walk towards the sand.
"Where are we going?" asked Clarke.
"To see the sea." Bellamy's eyes were hopeful and excited.
Clarke knew there was a reason she never walked over the sandbanks to look at the water and this was it. The reason was standing right next to her, it wouldn't have been right, it wouldn't have felt right to do it without him.
She heard him gasp first and before she took a look at it, she took in the expression on his face and memorized it. He looked awed and a little bit taken aback. It was a good look on him and she didn't see it often, barely ever.
Clarke turned forward and took in the water for the first time. There were calm waves and it was dark blue. She couldn't see the end of it no matter how hard she tried. It was truly beautiful. Her fingers itched to paint it.
"It's breathtaking," said Clarke and Bellamy pulled her close, putting an arm around her shoulder. Clarke sneaked hers around his waist and leaned into him. She wondered when these little touches became second nature. She has been careful with him for so long but after coming back and seeing him half dead, the last of her resolve shattered even if she hadn't realized it until then.
"We made the right decision in coming here, right," she looked up at him.
He nodded, "Luctor et emergo," he said and when she raised her eyebrows, he explained. "It means 'I struggle and emerge.' And we've been through so much, we've sacrificed so much, but here we are, finding the pieces and gluing them back together. We did what we had to, whether it was right or not, but we survived."
"And now we need to live," she recalled Lincoln's words.
"And now we need to live. And it's gonna be hard and we'll still struggle. There will be battles and there will be hardships but we will emerge."
Clarke was moved by his words and thankful as always to have him by her side. Feeling better than she had in a while, she smiled, "You're such a nerd."
They weren't without problems but Bellamy would be lying if he said things weren't good – or at least getting there. Their settlement was coming together nicely. Raven and Wick took over engineering and were tinkering with different mechanical solutions and systems, Monty and Monroe worked on irrigation and growing their own food. Miller and Bellamy were in charge of building and security, Octavia and Lincoln oversaw training and hunting and Clarke and Harper were working in the med bay.
Lincoln and Clarke mostly went to trade with the grounders at the beginning but later connections were formed and Monty and Bellamy often went too. The fence and the mess hall were completed, the med bay was halfway there and they were now working on the cabins. The council room could wait.
One evening Bellamy had been on watch when a patrol returned from the woods with Murphy in tow. He had gone to Camp Jaha first and stayed there for a while but then decided to join them – because who was left there to annoy – his words. He told them about Jaha and a crazy A.I. chick, wanting to build a new bomb. But he had managed to unplug her and successful saved the human race in progress. Jaha went crazy and Murphy left him there after he made sure the missile was inoperable. Hopefully.
They met with the people of Camp Jaha on a regular basis, but not everyone every time. Clarke was still working on letting go of the guilt and coming to grips with her past and Bellamy still has a nightmare every now and then, demons haunting his thoughts. The others were damaged to but they were getting better, healing and building a future for themselves.
Clarke started painting more and more again and Bellamy decided to write down what had happened and what was still happening – to keep a record of their time on Earth. They were slowly building a society.
It was a couple of weeks later when things changed. Bellamy had been out on a hunt after having spent quite a few days inside their camp building cabins. He had said he needed to go and Clarke had no problem with that. What she did have a problem with was that it was late afternoon and he wasn't back yet. He should have been back at least an hour ago.
At first Clarke tried not to be nervous, he was fine and everything was alright. Nobody else seemed to be worried. Of course Lincoln and Octavia weren't in the camp at the moment, Clarke was sure Octavia would have been worried too.
Her relationship with Octavia has gotten better with time. They never really talked about what happened but they started talking to one another more and Octavia didn't leave the room every time she was left alone with Clarke anymore.
She was pacing back and forth in his cabin because she didn't want to worry the others. But all she could think about was not again. Things had been better for a while and she had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Please let this not be it, anything but this," she murmured.
Clarke wasn't even sure anymore where she ended and he began. They worked together, they breathed together, always united. He had her back and she had his. They still argued but mostly about trivial stuff because when it came to vital matters they knew what was important and what needed to be done. She had never expected she'd come to rely on him this much, that he'd become her best friend, her partner, her other half. If she believed in soul mates, she'd be convinced he was hers.
Yet, things never moved beyond the friendship line. The truth was she had been scared. Everybody she loved died or got hurt, she lost everyone sooner or later and she didn't want to put herself into the position to be that vulnerable again. But if she was honest with herself, she was already in that position. Even if they weren't involved romantically, he meant so much to her it would break her if she lost him.
Who was she kidding? She had loved him as more than just a friend for a while, she was just too chicken to do anything about it. But she knew he would never make the first step, she knew it had to be her decision. She chuckled, because the womanizing Bellamy Blake was giving her the power. He had never stated how he felt but she saw it in his eyes, and she felt it in his touch.
So please, let him come back to her and she'd gather the nerves and make the first step. Please.
It was almost an hour later when he entered his cabin. Clarke was still pacing but she spun around and relief graced her face when she saw him standing there.
"Clarke," he said.
"Where have you been?" she asked, trying to keep the frustration and anger out of her voice and failing.
"Hunting," he looked at her surprised. "You know that."
"You were supposed to be back three hours ago, Bellamy," she flailed her hands in the air. "Three."
"You know how it is, Clarke," he said gently, taking a step towards her, seeing she was worried.
She was still upset. She should have known better but he was hunting and he almost died once before and he was late and she was just worried. Rationally she knew he was careful, rationally she knew he was strong and good at this but irrationally she thought of the worst possible outcome every time.
Clarke tried to calm down and get her emotions under control. He was back and he was fine and she was overreacting. Everything was alright. But then he turned around to put his rifle down and she saw the blooding running down his arm.
"Bellamy, you're bleeding," she rushed towards him, already pulling up his sleeve.
"It's fine," he shrugged, "just a scratch."
"Sit down," she commanded and he did with a grunt, "let me see."
Her heart was beating like crazy but he looked fine. Him being injured again brought up past memories and she would never forget him lying on that table in the med bay.
"I have to get my kit," she said with shaking hands. "Stay here." Her voice was firm and let no room for arguments.
She was back two minutes later and cleaned his wound.
"Does it need stitches?" he asked.
"No," Clarke said, applying some balm, "just a tight bandage."
"I told you I was fine," Bellamy put his hand over hers.
Clarke just sighed, "You did. But there was a change you didn't know how serious it was." He could have been wrong.
She finished bandaging him up.
"What's going on, Clarke?" Bellamy stood up.
"Nothing," she looked away.
He turned her face back to him and she gave in. "It's just, you don't know how it was, seeing you on that table half dead, not knowing if I could save you, if you'd make it. Yeah, it wasn't that bad in the end but it could have been. And now every time you go out hunting or to the village, I just worry, okay? I never want to feel like that again."
"I'm sorry," he said and Clarke squirmed at him. "I am always careful, I am not a kid and I know what I'm doing. And yes, something could go wrong any day, but it's useless worrying about that. I'm still here and I don't intend to go anywhere, okay?"
She just nodded.
"And I know how it feels," he continued, standing up. "You were gone for months, Clarke, and I never knew where you were, if you were alive, if I'd ever see you again." His voice was laced with understanding and at one point he must have started running his hand down her cheek because she leaned into it then.
She was aware of how much she had hurt him. She knew he had needed her back then and she had walked away anyway. "I'm sorry," she whispered, tears appearing in her eyes, "I'm so sorry."
Bellamy just nodded, "I know."
She stepped into him and hugged him. "I never meant to hurt you. I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway. I shouldn't have but I needed it. Everyone I love gets hurt and everywhere I go destruction follows – at least that's what I was feeling like back then. And I didn't want you to hurt anymore. Not after all I've put you through."
"Clarke," he started, still holding her close.
She just shook her head, "I know. I know what you're going to say and you are right. And I'm learning, I'm getting there, more and more every day." She looked up at him then, "I'm sorry I left you. I won't do it again."
There was so much emotion on his face – hurt, hope, pain and love that Clarke felt the need to look away but found herself not being able to. She remembered her promise from before and she stepped on her toes, pulling herself up to him. In the next moment her lips touched his. It was a slow and gentle kiss. After the initial shock he kissed her back, tenderly and with affection. He was being careful and she knew why. But she was done with careful, so she licked his bottom lip and he automatically opened his mouth. Clarke didn't waste any time and slid her tongue inside his mouth.
He pulled her closer, deepening the kiss. She could feel his hands on her hips, slightly moving up and down, making her shiver. Bellamy groaned and Clarke curled her wrists into his T-shirt. They continued kissing and even though Clarke had been kissed before, this was a whole different level.
She could feel the energy flowing through her body, her heart hammering in her chest and her skin burning where he was touching her. It was an emotional kiss, filled with passion and she couldn't get enough.
Bellamy pulled back and Clarke felt the loss immediately, "What are we doing?" he asked.
"Whatever the hell we want to," Clarke smiled but Bellamy stayed serious.
"I'm serious, Clarke," he closed his eyes for a second but she knew it was to hide himself away, "what is this?"
She had to come clean before they continued down this road. "It's us," she said simply, "I wasn't ready before but now I am. If you'll have me."
Bellamy's eyes widened like he couldn't believe what she was saying but at the same time he was looking at her with so much affection and tenderness, warmth spread through her body.
"Come here," he pulled her into him again and attached her mouth to his. While this kiss was still intimate, it was also raw and passionate. Her mouth opened immediately and he felt so good. Her head tilted and she was lost.
Her hands glided up his chest and she wrapped them around his neck, pressing her body to the length of his. Her toes curled and her stomach did a somersault. Clarke felt the luscious tingle between her legs and she pushed him towards the table. He spun them around and set her on top of it. Clarke was thankful they made such sturdy furniture.
Clarke pulled him between her legs and wrapped them around his waist. Bellamy's hands went to her hips and he ran them down her calves while ravishing her mouth.
Bellamy unbuttoned her jeans and waited for a second, giving her time to change her mind. She didn't and instead pulled her shirt over her head, smiling at him before kissing him again. Then she had to stop again because he was still wearing his shirt and that didn't agree with her.
"Off," she whimpered, but removed it very carefully not to hurt his injured arm.
"Maybe we should get rid of the pants, too, while we're at it," suggested Bellamy, smirking,more carefree than she had seen him in forever.
Clarke's hands were shaking but they managed to take off their pants and were left only in their underwear. Their hands were all over each other but it was their mouths they couldn't keep apart. Clarke's pulse went over the roof when Bellamy's fingers traced the hem of her panties, then pulling them aside, teasing her with his fingers. She whimpered, because it was so good and she needed more.
"More," she moaned and leaned forward, tracing her tongue from his chest to the base of his neck, grazing it with her teeth. He groaned, turning his head towards her and kissing her once more. He did what he was told though and inserted two fingers inside of her, making her gasp.
She grinded down, shamelessly wanting more and he increased his tempo. He was fingering her just right and she was close but before she could come, he removed his fingers and licked them, all the time looking into her eyes. She moaned and he kissed her deeply before kneeling in front of her, removing her panties, and replacing his fingers with his mouth.
Clarke bit her lower lip and barely remembered how to breathe as he was eating her out. He pushed her back, so she lay down on the table, flicking her hard nipples through her bra with his fingers. She grabbed onto his hair and squeezed her knees around him. He was merciless with his tongue, licking, kissing, sucking, playing with her swollen flesh and wet folds vigorously. She couldn't hold on any longer and just let go, shattering around him.
Bellamy stood up, grabbed her and picked her up, kissing her deeply. He took her to his bed and laid her down gently. Clarke grabbed him and pulled him on top of her, spreading her legs wide apart, so he could settle between them. She pulled down his boxers and ran her hands along his shaft, but Bellamy pushed her on her back, promising, "Later."
Since Clarke was covered in her juices,he slid in effortlessly, filling her up. She arched her back, enjoying the feel of him inside her. He was kissing her neck,finally removing her bra. Her nipples were tight and sensitive, and when he played with them, her entire body lit on fire. He had started to thrust slowly at first but with each moment, he was picking up the pace as if he couldn't hold back anymore.
"Yes," rasped Clarke, running her hands over his back down to his ass.
Bellamy sat back on his knees and pulled Clarke with him. The new angle made it possible for him to hit just the right spot. Pushing up into her with long hard thrusts made it hard to breathe, heat spread through her and settled between her legs.
"You feel so good," he breathed out before she leaned down to kiss him.
Bellamy's eyes were filled with passion and a storm was building in them. They were both breathing hard, waves of pleasure seeping through them. Clarke held on to him while he drove into her, harder and harder, deeper and deeper.
"Touch yourself," he commanded and without a second thought she started rubbing her clit. Sparks flew through her and the combination of the pressure on her clit and his cock inside her was bringing her to the edge.
"Come on, princess," Bellamy whimpered, "I need you to come for me."
She increased the pressure of her fingers while he did the same with the pace and moments later she exploded. Her mind went blank and she fell apart. He leaned back over her, and after a few more thrusts followed her over the edge.
When their breathing returned to somewhat normal, Bellamy pulled out and dropped a blanket over them. Clarke curled into him and he kissed her forehead. Exhaustion, emotional and physical, took over and they fell asleep soon after.
The last thought that Clarke had before she drifted off was she was finally where she belonged.
When Bellamy woke up the next day he wasn't sure she'd still be there. But she was, hogging the blanket and nuzzling into his neck. Warmth spread through him and he just watched her sleep. It was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen – her, in his bed, cheeks flushed, and asleep. Needing to feel her he pulled her closer and Clarke stirred.
"Good morning," she yawned, kissing his chest.
"Good morning," Bellamy smiled.
"We should probably get up," Clarke reminded him and he almost rolled his eyes.
"We could. But should we?" he grinned and felt her smile.
"Maybe not right away," she suggested and he liked this response much better.
She looked up at him and smiled and he had to kiss her. She scrambled on top of him, never breaking the kiss and Bellamy realized where he was. He was finally home.
Thanks for reading. What's the verdict?