Alone. So so alone. Sams in the room across the hall.
I can't tell him without sounding like a little girl.
He would love to help me, this stuff is just up his alley. I know he would, but I cant. Because its not me. Im not supposed to need anything. Im supposed to make sure sam gets everything, that being a hug or a lesson in hand to hand combat, I have to provide. Not the other way around.
Damn you, dad.
As I look around my room and see the few things thats mine, like my weapons, the keys to the Impala and the picture of me and mom, I know I should be satisfied.
Not happy, but, content. Sam is safe and sound and there is no monster lurking in the dark right now. The bunker is safe. Sam is safe. Im safe.
I have a hell of a lot more then most hunters have.
I can't put my finger on it, but something cold is churning my insides to ice. I almost feel sick and I can feel the tears press behind my eyes. I should get up, make Sam some food or maybe go down to the shooting lanes.
Yeah, we have shooting lanes. How awesome is that? That thought alone should thrill me, but it doesn't. Not really.
Maybe go down to look at Baby. She's been a bit neglected lately, I should take her out for a spin, just for the sake of the drive.
But I can't get up. My legs feels like lead and my arms are as heavy as 3 alphas deadweight.
I can't do anything. Right now I can't even tear my eyes from the keys on the bedside table. I wonder how long I will sit here. How long I already have been sitting here.
I'de wish Sam would come and check on me, make sure I'm still alive.
Im not sure anymore. I can't feel my heart beat. If I am dead, I hope Sam will take care of Baby. Take her out for that spin I haven't given her.
I hope Sam will take care of him self. I hope that maybe Cass will look after him from time to time. I hope Sam will take care of Cass now and then. They both need someone to take care of them now and again. They both can get so focused on the price that they tend to forget them self. To stop and smell the roses now and then.
When did I stop to smell the roses?
A long time ago. Before Bobby died.
Before the apocalypse.
Before Hell.
Before Dad died.
Before Mom died.
So much death.
So little life, so little joy.
I can't breath. Something is stuck inside of me and I can't.
I must still be alive because I can feel something on my shoulder.
Wonder what it is.
A hand. A hand is shaking me gently. I tear my eyes from the keys and look up. What is it? A monster? Could be.
Something is familiar here.
Not a monster.
Cass. Castiel is here.
Why is he here?
"Cass?" My voice doesn't sound as it's supposed to sound. It sounds weak, rough. Not me. Not strong and protective.
"Hear me, Dean." Cass' voice is strong, protective. All consuming. Castiel.
I hear him. I feel him. He is right there. Right here.
I nod, it's all I can do.
"Im right here. Do you want me to get Sam as well?"
He is right. But why does he tell me this? I known that.
I shake my head and looks down.
Don't get Sam.
Please.
I can feel a fat tear fall from my eye but I can't get my hand up and wipe it away. They are too heavy.
Castiel sits down in front of me and tilts my head up. Wipes the tear away from my face.
"Lie down Dean." He says and his voice is still strong and powerful, but more gentle this time. He gently pushes me to my side and lifts my feet up on the mattress.
As my head touches the pillow, it's as if I can breath again.
Cass' hand is on my cheek and I can feel his warmth. I guess I wasn't all numb anyway.
He pulls away and moves to remove my boots and put them quietly on the floor. I can't see him anymore, but I can feel his presense, moving around in the room. I hear the door to the closet open and close. I feel him standing behind me, then putting a blanket over me. He turns the light down low. I didn't know the light could do that. Maybe its angel mojo. Maybe I just didn't know. Didn't care.
He rustles with something and then I feel the bed dip and he lays down behind me.
Maybe he is spooning me, I think in a fog of thoughts. My brain is on slow motion. Cass doesn't spoon me. He just lies there, probably not knowing what to do now. I slowly turns around and looks at him. He lies on his back and stares up in to the ceeling. He has been going on pure instints until now, if soldiers of heaven even have instincts. Guess Cass do. But now, he has no clue what to do.
I look at him. Like, really look at him. Its so easy for me to see him. I don't see Jimmy anymore. This is Castiel, angel of the lord and awkward as hell.
He looks huge. Like, larger then life. His vessle might be smaller then me but he has always been intimidating, filling up a room like no-ones business.
Somehow, he makes me feel safe.
He looks at me from the corners of his eyes. Then he looks back up at the ceeling.
Unsure. I close my eyes and feel some of the nothingness that had filled me up earlier, seep out of me. Castiel was here with me. Sam was just across the hall. Both safe. Both relaxed. More or less. The thought of Cass actually relaxing, makes me smile a bit. I'm not sure it shows on my face. I'm sure that, if I were to open my eyes right now or in ten minutes or in five hours, Cass would still lie there, still and awkward, starring up in the celing. Unless, he's gone ofcause. You never really knows with Cass. One thing is for sure, you don't ever take him for granted. Maybe he's gone already. Of to do what ever it is he does. Away from the awkward situation, away from all the nothingness that seeps from me, bringing him down. I wonder what he is doing here in the first place.
I open my eyes. He is still there. Still starring up in the semidarkness. Still awkward. Still Castiel.
"Stay?" I ask, knowing he would get what I wanted to say.
"Of cause." he says, but doesn't seem to get anymore combfterble in the bed. Guess he doesn't know how.
"Thanks." I whisper and close my eyes again. I'm so, so tired. Empty. Lonely.
But not alone.
"Dean." I hear him say and I open my eyes.
"Cass." I say, as an answer to his unspoken question.
"Is it customery for two men to share the same bed?"
I smile a little more, and I'm pretty sure it shows on my face.
"It can be, Cass."
He is quiet for a little bit, then asks:
"Does that mean that we have to be intimate?"
I can't help smiling a little broader. I don't laugh. I don't have the streanght and it's to important for Cass to be taken serious.
"I think we already are, Cass."
A pregnant pause, then:
"I see."
He then graps my hand in his, and holds it, like a vice. It actually kinda hurts a bit. But, it's also nice, to feel something, even if it is Castiels iron grip on my hand.
I squese him back, softly, and it somehow makes him relax his deathgrip on my hand.
"There you go." I murmer and closes my eyes again.
I'm pretty sure I fall asleep after that.