"Okay, okay, quiet, y'all," Mercedes raises her voice over the girls' laughter. She has to throw a pillow at Santana and Brittany to get their attention. "Who's the best you've ever had? I'll start. Sam." She points at Tina. "Now go."
"Mike, obviously," Tina answers, giggling. "I mean, Artie's a nice guy, but you didn't really think I'd say him, did you?"
Brittany laughs the loudest at this, even though it's at the expense of her own boyfriend. She doesn't even notice at first that everyone is staring at her, and when she does she just shrugs and says, "What? Artie's great and I love him but he's not the best I ever had."
"Who was the best, Britt?" Kurt asks. He tries to affect a bored tone, but he's actually dying to know, because if it's anyone at all heteroflexible...He hasn't gotten laid since he's been back at McKinley, and while he was at Dalton he discovered that he has certain needs.
But Brittany's not any help—she just mumbles something about taking the fifth dimension. Of course the look she gives Santana while she's mumbling her nonsense tells everyone everything they need to know anyway. As if they didn't already.
Finn stops chewing his Dorito for a second because he just heard something. He's eating chips off the basement floor—it's the punishment the other guys insisted on after he made them all lose a battle in Call of Duty to some guys in Houston—and now he's hearing voices down here. Girls' voices. "Shh!" he tells the guys. Then, since they ignore that, "Shut the fuck up!"
"Who's the best you've ever had, Santana?" he hears a girl say. No, not a girl. Kurt. He can hear what's going on in Kurt's room upstairs through a heating vent near the floor!
The guys start talking again, ignoring him, until he says, "Quiet, idiots! Santana's about to say who the best guy she ever fucked is." Sam and Puck instantly shut up and get down on the floor with him to listen.
Upstairs, Santana's face goes serious as she considers the question. "Finn," she says, nodding. "Definitely."
"Yes!" Finn shouts, before it occurs to him that the girls might be able to hear them too. He covers his hand with his mouth, but he can't stop smiling. Sam offers him a high-five, and he returns it left-handed.
Rachel purses her lips and folds her arms across her chest. "Santana, if you're just saying that to rub it in..."
Santana laughs. "Of course I'm just saying it to rub it in. My god, no one thought I was really serious, did they?" Down in the basement, Finn gets up and walks away from the vent, while Sam and Puck try not to make eye contact with him. But they do keep listening as Santana goes on. "I mean, I'm glad you're happy with him—or are you on the outs now? I can never keep track of all the Finchel drama because I so don't care—but personally? I prefer guys who seem like they're actually alive during sex, not like a tuna flopping around in the bottom of the boat." The guys try really hard not to laugh at that.
"I was actually only talking about kissing," they hear Mercedes say.
"I knew you and Sam never did the deed!" Santana says. "That boy is a virgin if ever I saw one." Now it's Sam's turn to look away uncomfortably, although he doesn't actually get up and walk across the room like Finn did.
"If Sam's a virgin that means you never did it with him either," Tina points out. "So who was your best?"
Santana looks around the room, at all the eyes on her, and shrugs. "Karofsky, obviously. We're in love."
Kurt scoffs. "So in love that you call him by his last name." Santana glares at him, and he hastens to add, "But whatever. Your relationship is your business, and whatever you said to him that made him decide to leave me alone, I appreciate deeply."
"That's more like it," Santana says. "So how about it, dollface? Are you as virginal and innocent as Trouty?"
"I'm not actually..." Sam mutters to Puck. True, he's never done it with anyone in Lima, but there was this guy at his boarding school...oh, and the other guy...
"All I'm saying is that all-boys' schools are a bottom's paradise," Kurt says, and Sam nods along. Not that he's a bottom, but he knows how sought-after they are.
"All right, Kurt, none of us wants to hear what you let anyone do to your bottom," Mercedes says.
"Speak for yourself." The girls all look at the maker of this comment, Tina, who now says, "What? Kurt has a nice ass! And if he ever wanted to let Mike stick his—"
"La la la, can't hear you!" Mercedes interjects.
"I'm just saying I wouldn't be averse to lending Mike out. Provided I got to hear about it in detail later. Or maybe see pictures?" She looks at Kurt hopefully.
"Um, Tina. Wow. I don't know what to say." It's a nice offer, he guesses, although he has no idea whether Tina's actually authorized to extend it. But just in case she is, just in case it's something Mike and Tina have actually discussed, he should probably actually formally decline. Because the thing is, he's just never been attracted to Mike. Not that he might not be desperate enough some time—what with all the cock he's not getting lately—but in the meantime he's still holding out for someone who meets his standards in the looks and personality departments. "I wouldn't want to get involved with someone with a girlfriend."
"Oh, that's too bad, cause I'd make the same offer for Artie," Brittany says.
"Yeah. Too bad." He's never been attracted to Artie either. "Thanks, though."
"Way to let Kurt weasel out of answering the question, everyone," Santana says. "But that's okay. His weaseling says it all. Virgin with a capital V."
"If you want to think that, go ahead," Kurt says. "I don't have anything to prove to you. I concede that I could certainly never out-whore you, Santana."
Brittany nods seriously. "I'm the only one who can do that."
"You are the queen, Brittany," Kurt agrees. "Besides, even if I wanted to try to compete with you and Santana—and I'm not actually saying that I wouldn't—given the lack of suitable partners at McKinley I'd never stand a chance."
"It must suck to be the only gay guy," Tina says.
"The only out gay guy," Kurt corrects, studiously avoiding looking at Santana. "But, yeah, it does."
"Well, what if you had some kind of magic powder that you could sprinkle on any guy to make him gay?"
"Tina...did you just intentionally avoid using the term fairy dust for your hypothetical magical powder?"
Tina thinks about it and laughs. "Hey, that's pretty good. Uh, unless it's offensive, in which case I totally avoided it on purpose." Kurt shakes his head. It would have been a little offensive maybe, but he's even more appalled that she missed such an obvious one. "Anyway," Tina continues, "who would you use it on? Out of the glee guys? You don't have to say Mike even though he's the hottest and I'd be totally okay with it."
"Um, well, not Mike, because he's with you. Even if you'd be okay with it, I wouldn't. Same for Artie."
"And Finn because he's with Rachel," Brittany adds. "Right, Rachel? Or is he back with Quinn already?"
Kurt sees the furious look on Rachel's face and leaps to her rescue. "Finn and Rachel are together and as happy as two lovebirds can be, and Quinn is pleased for them and is delighted to be good friends with both of them." Quinn smiles blandly at Rachel—a smile Rachel tries to return but can't quite because she's still giving the stink eye to Brittany and Santana. "And anyway," Kurt goes on, "I can't even think about Finn that way anymore. He's my brother now, and that would just be...ew."
"So that just leaves..."
"Sam and Puck," Mercedes fills in for Tina. "And as someone who dated both of them, let me just say—"
"Oh, please," Santana says. "You never even let either of them get to first base. What do you know about taking it up the ass from either of them?"
Down in the basement, Sam and Puck smile at each other. Puck doesn't actually find the idea of giving it to Hummel up the ass unappealing. And since Sam's grinning too, it's not that big a deal.
"Or giving it to either of them up the ass," Brittany adds.
Kurt coughs lightly. "Actually, uh, Santana's right. I've tried both and I definitely have a preference for, uh, taking it."
Downstairs the guys' smiles get even wider. "I knew it," Sam mutters. That is, he kind of thought, just like Santana did, that Kurt was still a virgin. But he was pretty sure that he would turn out to be a bottom sooner or later. Man, he just hopes Kurt picks him over Puck. Though even if he doesn't, Sam could fight for him...
There's a lot of squealing coming from upstairs, and Puck finds himself shushing the girls despite knowing they can't hear him. It's not like he's worried Kurt is going to pick the living Ken doll over himself. He just wants to hear Kurt describe how much he wants Puckasaurus inside his sweet little ass.
The girls quiet down after a few minutes, and Sam and Puck scoot in closer to the grate when they hear Tina press Kurt: "So which one? Sam or Puck?"
There's an interminable pause, during which the guys in the basement hold their breath. And eventually Kurt says, "Ugh. Neither."
"What!?" Puck springs to his feet and kicks the wall. "Little dude can't be serious."
"Shh!" Sam orders. "He's still talking." Surely he's going to clarify...because he couldn't have really meant...
"They're hot, I'll give them that. Sam's abs...Puck's arms..." Kurt gets lost in reverie for a second before he remembers he was explaining why they're unsuitable sex partners. "They're both just so...so subby."
"What'd he say?" Puck demands.
"He said we're both too subby."
Finn looks up from his phone for the first time since he walked away in a huff. "What's going on?"
"Kurt said he doesn't wanna fuck us because we're too subby," Sam fills him in.
"Subby?"
Puck rolls his eyes. "Subby. Like...submissive. Like...he thinks we want someone to boss us around in the sack."
Finn starts to laugh. "He really called that."
"Yeah? Well he said you were, and I quote, 'Ew.'"
That wipes the smirk off Hudson's face. Until Evans has to go and add, "Because you're his brother" and totally take away Puck's small victory. "Quiet! They're still talking!"
Puck gets back on the floor and this time Finn joins them too. Santana's saying something that they miss, but they catch Kurt agreeing with whatever it was. "Exactly. And I mean, the way he was following Lauren around like a puppy dog. Please!"
Finn rolls onto his back laughing. "That is so true! What was up with you and her anyway?"
Puck, unable to think of a satisfactory retort, falls back on, "Shut the fuck up, dude!" and a hard shove to Finn's shoulder.
"And Sam..." Kurt continues up in his room. "I mean, he seems sweet enough and everything, but...I mean, Mercedes, was he ever anything other than a perfect gentleman with you?"
"No. He wasn't," Mercedes answers defiantly.
"Oh, that's it!" Sam exclaims. He stands and pushes up the sleeves of his hoodie.
"Dudes, what are you doing?" Finn asks, watching as Puck stands too.
"Your brother is under some serious misapprehensions about me and my bro here, dude," Puck answers. "We're going to go clear them up."
Sam, however, isn't actually that concerned with clearing up whatever misapprehensions Kurt might have about Puck. He stops him on the stairs, out of earshot of Finn. "Just so we're on the same page here, bro..." Fuck, how to put it? "You wanna double team him? Both of us fuck him?"
"Yeah, man, that's the idea. Unless he's right about you and you don't have it in you."
Sam shakes his head. That's not what he's getting at at all. "No, I mean...just once?"
Puck looks at him all confused. "I can go more than once."
"But I mean just tonight?"
"Well...yeah. That should prove our point. I mean, I'll be honest—Hummel's got an amazing ass, and this isn't the first time I've thought about getting all up on it and all up in it. But that doesn't actually make me gay. It just makes me...I mean, if that wasn't all just talk and he really wants it as rough as he was inferring? We'd be idiots not to hit that."
Sam relaxes a little. Not totally, because he still can't believe Kurt thinks he's subby, but at least he can relax about that other thing.
They don't speak the rest of the way up. When they reach the hallway outside Kurt's bedroom door they hesitate for just a second, just long enough to hear laughter and Kurt saying, "And I mean, if either of them did like guys, they'd be total bottoms."
Sam flings the door open and strides in, Puck right behind him. "Good evening, ladies," Puck says. "Kurt." He meets Kurt's eyes and watches the boy's face go a very deep red.
"Kurt," Sam repeats, looking him over slowly from head to toe and back again. He's barefoot, and his pale, delicate ankles are exposed and crossed in front of him as he sits with his knees up against his chest. He looks so...limber. Soon Sam is going to have those ankles over his own shoulders. He's wearing a plain white shirt, one button too many undone to look like anything but an invitation to suck a bunch of hickeys into the creamy skin. The jauntily tied scarf makes Sam think he may just be hiding one or two already.
"Puck. Sam. What brings you up here? I thought you were playing war games with Finn?"
"We were," Puck says, crossing his arms and leaning back against the door. "But it sounded like you girls were having way more fun up here. You girls and Kurt."
"Kurt is the one we really want to see," Sam says, and he doesn't stop leering for a second, and it's very...surprising. "We need to borrow him for a few minutes. Or more."
"Borrow him for what?" one of the girls asks—Puck honestly doesn't even know which one because he can't look at anything but Kurt and the way his legs are crossed in front of him so you can see just a glimpse of his snug-jeans-covered ass, but not nearly enough.
Puck lifts the corner of his lip in a smirk. "We need him for a sandwich we're making."
"A sandwich, Puck?" Kurt asks. "Really?" It's possibly the worst innuendo he's ever heard. Except...is Puck actually propositioning him? Are both of them?
"Yeah, a sub sandwich," Sam says. "Like Puck says, we can't make one without you."
Oh...oh. They heard everything. Or if not everything, then at least that. And now they want to do something about it!
Well. This night just got very interesting.
He gives them his best coquettish eyelash flutter and says, "Well, I guess you'd better take me then."