Harry Potter, Ron Wealsey, and Hermione Granger had hit an impasse on their quest. They had collected all of Voldemort's horcruxes, but they didn't know how to destroy these dark magical artifacts.
"Each of these artifacts is supposed to be indestructible," said Hermione. "We'll need something equally powerful to break them."
"Great, so it's hopeless," said Ron.
"Wait…" said Harry, adjusting his glasses, "I think I have an idea..."
Harry and his friends apparrated to a house in the suburbs. When Harry knocked on the door, Dudley Dursley opened the door and stared indignantly at his adopted brother.
"What are you doing here?" said Dudley. "What do you want?"
"Dudley, I'm sorry. I realized that I wasn't around for your birthday this year, so I thought I'd make it up to you with some presents."
"Presents?!" said Dudley, cheering up instantly.
"Yeah, I have all of these presents, just for you." Harry showed Dudley a stack of brightly wrapped gifts.
Dudley rushed to unwrap the presents. The first was the crown of Ravenclaw, which Dudley bent back and forth on his knee until it snapped.
Next, Dudly unwrapped the box containing a locket, which he hung around his neck like a bit of gangster rapper bling. Upon inspecting himself in a mirror and deciding that the chain wasn't cool-looking and "baller" enough, Dudley threw the locket onto the floor, where it broke into many tiny pieces.
Then, Dudley unwrapped a square-shaped package that he hoped would be some kind of video game. Instead, the package contained a diary.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" said Dudley, looking confusedly at the ancient lettering of the cover.
"Well, I suppose you could read or write in it…" said Harry, opening the diary to a blank page.
"That's so boring!" said Dursley, taking the diary from Harry's hands. "No reading! Books bad!" He stomped on the diary until all the pages were crumbled and torn.
The next gift box contained the cup of Hufflepuff.
"Hey, watch this, Harry! Get out the beer pong table!"
Dudley formed a small pyramid on a table in his backyard with the Cup of Hufflepuff and six red drinking cups. He threw a ball at the cups, knocking the Cup of Hufflepuff to the ground, and cracking it irreparably.
Dudley then opened a tiny jewelry box containing an emerald ring.
Dudley looked at the ring for a moment. The ring sparkled in Dudley's hand, its intricate engraving testament to hundreds of years of Slytherin wealth. Dursley's eyes gleamed with sadistic inspiration.
"Here, snakey, I have something for you," said Dudly, opening his hand to offer the ring to the snake.
Dudley shoved the ring into the snake's mouth. Nagini choked as the ring got stuck in its small intestine.
"Well, that's it," said Harry. "The snake was supposed to be your last present."
"That's it?!" said Dudley. "Just six gifts?!"
"Well, that's all I can find," said Harry, "I'm so sorry."
"What?! Noooo! Waaaaah!" Dudley emitted an ear-splitting scream that made the scar on Harry Potter's forehead flare to white-hot levels of pain.
Harry Potter fell down dead.
And instantly returned to his feet, victorious.
"Oh my god, how could you possibly survive that?" said Ron, as the three friends hurried off into the sunset.
"You're our hero," said Hermione.