Bobby POV
I'd known this moment was coming.
I'd known for years, but especially since yesterday. Yesterday I finally realized exactly how it was going to go down.
And it wasn't horrible.
It wasn't in a shouting match with Ross. It wasn't in a tantrum of papers flying off my desk or in an outburst of extreme emotion directed at a suspect whose circumstances hit particularly close to home.
It was behind closed doors. With Alex.
And somehow that made it okay.
"You know what they want," she said.
Yes I did.
They wanted her to fire me.
I watched her as she tried to rein in her emotion. She was fighting a losing battle as she tried to explain.
"It was either that or they drag you into some hearing. I thought this might be…"
"Kinder, gentler…"
"Something like that."
She was struggling, and I tried to make her feel better. I started mumbling about how it had been a long time coming, but that only made her tears come faster.
She was firing me and I was worried about how she felt.
What did that say about me? About how much I wanted this job? About how much I wanted her?
And suddenly the most frightening aspect of the whole situation was that I might not get to see her again.
Realistically, I figured that yes, I would.
But she would be under no obligation. She wouldn't have to report to work and look at me across our desks.
If we were going to see each other, it would have to be an effort. A specific, conscious decision. That scared me. Would she make that decision?
We'd been through so much together that I had no doubt of her love for me. But there were so many different kinds of love and I wasn't sure which one came into play.
"You're the best," she told me after she'd regained control. She leveled her teary eyes onto mine, but I had to drop my gaze. All I could think was that I didn't want to walk out of this room. I didn't want to walk away.
She kept watching me as the thoughts raced through my mind. And then I knew I finally had to do it. I had to go.
I started to walk past her, but I couldn't leave without one last gesture. One sign for her, to let her know a little bit of how I felt.
So I kissed her.
I meant for it to be quick, but once my lips touched her cheek I had a hard time pulling away. And then the hug that came next just felt natural, as though we'd been doing it for years. She fit perfectly against me and I rested my cheek against the softness of her hair.
Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would hug Alex in the captain's office at 1PP. Of course, now it was her office, but still…
After a long moment, the professionalism kicked in and we both stepped back.
"Well, I'll see you around, I guess," I said, hoping for some kind of positive response. Did she want to see me around?
She nodded emphatically, but she didn't say anything. She looked like if she tried to speak, she was going to start crying again, so I stepped toward the door.
I stopped at the door and debated saying more. Maybe getting her to commit to a time that we would get together, or maybe asking if I could call her sometime. Something, anything, that would make it okay for me to go.
But I wasn't going to push it. I couldn't. Somehow, despite her ten years with me, she had managed to land herself the job she deserved. The MCS captain. I wasn't going to ruin that for her.
Maybe if I left quietly, she could get on with her life.
So I did.
Alex POV
I hadn't been expecting him to kiss me.
It was so un-Bobby-like. Or maybe it was un-Goren-like. But now that he was back to being a civilian maybe he was going to be more open with his feelings.
Whatever the case, it had nearly broken me to say the words to him. In fact, I couldn't say the words to him. I let implication and supposition do my job for me.
"You know what they want…Either that or…"
Because on the inside, I was screaming, "You don't fire your partner of ten years! You don't fire your best friend!"
And best friend was probably an understatement. He'd been the only man in my life for so many years now that I couldn't even begin to imagine my life without him. I didn't want to.
We'd been moving in a definitive direction lately, resolutely heading towards each other. He was learning how to let me in and I was learning how to depend on someone other than myself.
There was a real hope that we might have a future together as something other than partners.
"And you know, now that it's here it's not bad actually…"
"It's bad," I argued, even though I knew that the tears were going to come. "And you trying to make it better only makes it worse."
He was kind enough to give me a moment.
There hadn't been very many occasions during our partnership where I'd allowed him to see my emotions.
Why was that?
Was I afraid to let him too close?
Was I afraid he'd think less of me?
I don't know. And I don't know why it didn't bother me to let him see this time, even though we were at 1PP.
Except that maybe it only further proved my point. Somewhere along the line, our roles had shifted. We were no longer detectives first and then man and woman. Now it was the other way around.
He rubbed my arm gently in an effort to comfort me, and it made me sad that after all this time, that was all we allowed ourselves to do.
I took a deep breath.
"You're the best," I told him. "You always will be."
I wanted to say more.
I don't know if I can do this job without you. I don't know if I want to.
I knew I didn't get my position as a result of him getting fired, but at the same time, it tainted it. I felt like the brass was getting a perverse pleasure out of having me do their dirty work.
Besides, I had written off the idea of becoming captain years ago. And while the offer was tempting and flattering, the reality was that it wasn't me anymore.
It wasn't what I wanted.
He started to walk away, and I closed my eyes and dropped my head. I couldn't watch him go. So he startled me with the kiss on the cheek.
I felt the emotion bubbling up inside of me again, and I just wanted to grab a hold of him and never let him go.
So I did.
Well, for a minute anyway. I held onto him and thought about how nice it felt to be in his arms and how much I would love to be there more often.
We reluctantly stepped back from one another.
"Well, I'll see you around, I guess."
Later today? Tomorrow? Every day next week?
But all I could do was nod.
And then he was gone.
I watched as he closed the office door behind him and then I turned around to the empty room.
This was my life now? Nothing about it felt right.
That was when the thought crossed my mind.
You don't have to do this.
Funny how that thought hadn't occurred to me before. I didn't have to do this. It didn't have to be my life.
As I walked around behind my desk, a moment of fear flashed through me.
What would I do next? If I didn't have this, then what?
But was I going to stay simply because I was afraid not to?
Absolutely not.
I pulled off my badge and held it in my hand. The treasured symbol of everything that I had worked for. And then I placed it on the desk. My gun went beside the badge.
I picked up the phone and called Moran.
"This is Detective Eames. I won't be taking that captain's exam."
"You don't want the position? What can I do to convince you?"
"Nothing. My mind is made up. In fact, I'm turning in my badge as well. It's time for me to go."
"You're leaving the department altogether?"
"Yes sir."
I finished out my conversation with the chief. He'd been surprised to hear that I'd handled the firing, but what else was I going to do? Let Maas do it? Or Moran? No. It was going to happen whether it was me or not. It was better coming from a friend.
Although he'd seemed surprisingly okay with it. Relieved almost. Was it getting to be too much for him, too?
I suddenly needed to know. I needed to hear how he felt about being unemployed. I needed to tell him that I had quit. I needed to know what he was going to do next.
But mostly I just needed him.
I left my gun and badge on the desk and locked the office door behind me.
I made my way through the maze of desks and detectives who filled the noisy squad room.
"Eames," Nichols began as he approached me with a file in his hand.
"Not now," I told him as I rushed through the room. "Check with Maas," I added when I realized that not now was the wrong answer. It wouldn't be ever.
I just quit my job.
The thought ran through me like a jolt of electricity. And yet a smile crossed my face.
I got to the elevator and punched the button repeatedly. The indicator light told me it was in the parking garage. Was that Bobby? Had he had time to get further than that, or was he still on the premises?
And then I realized that I didn't know where he'd be. We rode in together. In a department vehicle.
Okay, so he'd go out the front entrance and head for the subway, I reasoned.
The elevator finally arrived and I felt a surge of excitement roll through me as the doors closed.
Was this crazy?
Very possibly, yes.
But the way I saw it, there was no other option. If I'd stayed, not only would I be condoning their actions against Bobby, but I would also be following in the footsteps of my predecessor.
Ross had nothing but the job, having lost his family years ago due to his commitment.
He'd realized too late that he needed more.
When he'd tried to go after it, to find some validation…I couldn't let my mind wander down that path. It was still too raw.
He was someone I had worked closely with for five years, so no matter my personal feelings, it was a painful loss.
And it was a stark reminder for a barrelful of clichés.
Life is short.
Carpe diem.
Live like you're dying.
Just do it.
The elevator let me off on the first floor and I walked quickly out the front doors. A quick scan of the sidewalk in both directions had me feeling as though I'd missed him.
So then I started re-evaluating. Do I go to his apartment? Do I call him?
"Eames?"
I whipped around and saw Bobby coming down the front steps. He must have stopped off somewhere inside, maybe telling people goodbye, because I'd actually beaten him out.
I waited on the sidewalk as he descended the stairs.
My heart was racing.
He looked at me with a confused yet hopeful look on his face.
"What…" he began, but I didn't wait for him to finish. I threw my arms around him and pulled him close.
"It's Alex," I said into his neck.
"What?"
"I'm not a detective anymore. Call me Alex."
He pulled back from me so that he could look me in the eye, but he kept his hands on my waist. It was probably a good thing that we'd held back on the touching for so many years, because we seemed to have opened a floodgate now. I didn't ever want him to stop.
"Why would you do that?"
"It's not what I want anymore."
"But…you're the captain," he stated adamantly.
"Pro-temp. I was. But not anymore."
"Eames. Alex."
"I've already called Moran. It's done," I told him. He squeezed his hands tighter on me and closed his eyes. "Bobby, I didn't do it for you. I did it for me."
"And you're out here…"
"Looking for you."
He opened his eyes again and they settled on mine.
"I just…I don't…I…"
I couldn't get the words out. I had so much that I wanted to tell him, but now that it was crunch time, I couldn't speak.
But somehow he knew what I wanted to say. He moved one hand up from my waist to my cheek.
"I don't want to do this without you," I said at last.
It was a weak declaration, but we had to take this slow. We'd been inching towards each other all along, so now wasn't the time to start jumping in leaps and bounds.
But it was a declaration nonetheless.
"So…" he said, leaving the word hanging out there.
That one little word meant so many things.
So what are we going to do?
So how do you feel about me?
So what's next?
I wasn't sure how to answer any of those.
"Someone has to keep an eye on you. Who else can talk you out of doing something you shouldn't?" I asked, falling back on my sense of humor to keep from another emotional outburst.
"That doesn't really work very well for you, does it?" he asked with a grin.
"No, but I'll keep trying," I replied, matching his smile.
He brought his second hand up to cradle my other cheek and he watched me intently. He's going to kiss me again, I thought.
This time I was ready for it.
We were on the sidewalk outside the front entrance of 1PP.
And he kissed me.
THE END