Here's a bit of Marauder humor. I don't have much experience with comedy, and I'm not a very funny person normally, so let me know what you think about this.
If you haven't seen or read Old Yeller, this story probably won't make any sense. But seriously, it's a classic, so if you haven't seen it, pop on over to YouTube and look it up.
Disclaimer: I own nothing from this story. The setting and characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The Old Yeller movie belongs to Walt Disney Productions. All other movies mentioned belong to various film production companies. Professor Cunningham is an original character, but you can borrow him if you like.
Warning: contains emotional teenage boys and mild implicit teenage naughtiness
Each of the four of them had a different reason for taking Muggle Studies. Sirius wanted to learn about cars and motorcycles and make is parents as angry as possible. James, on the other hand, was hoping to gain insight into the native culture of one attractive female redhead. Remus reckoned he might need to seek employment in the muggle world someday, so he had best learn about it now. Peter simply wanted an easy class.
So, for all their reasons, there they were sitting in the first Muggle Studies class of their fifth year. Professor Cunningham was his usual, enthusiastic self. "Welcome, welcome, students! I am excited to see you all after a long summer. I hope everyone had a great holiday. Did anyone have any experiences with muggles while you were away from school?"
"Oh, professor!" a Ravenclaw piped, waving her hand. "My sister and I went to the British Museum in London. It was fascinating! We got to see ancient statues and artifacts from Greece and Egypt and learn all sorts of things about history!"
"Oh, how marvelous! That is a wonderful museum! You should all go there when you have the opportunity. It is right in downtown London; admission is free, so it is an excellent and convenient opportunity for you to learn about muggles. Anyone else?"
"Ooh, I have a story!" Several Ravenclaws groaned softly as they recognized the voice of Sirius Black. "We went to Remus' house one day, and his mother is muggle-born, you see, so she gave us some muggle money to go buy some snacks at the store. So we went to the store, and there was this stunningly beautiful young lady working the till. So, I said to…"
"Sirius, I don't think Professor Cunningham wants to hear this story," Remus interjected.
"Don't interrupt, Remus, of course he wants to hear it, and so does the rest of the class, see how curious they are?"
It was somewhat true- several students were watching Sirius with grins on their faces. Others were simply rolling their eyes. A few looked confused and downright curious. "So like I was saying, I asked this lovely young lady if she would like to join me for a drink down at the pub after work. And of course she says yes. Well, as luck would have it, just after we left the store I remembered ("Only because I reminded you," Remus muttered) that I can't take her to the pub for a drink since I am, in fact, underage, and I'm sure you won't be shocked at learn that the folks in Remus' village are all just as boring as he is, so they sure wouldn't have cut me a break."
"Move along with the story, please, Black," Professor Cunningham said. Even he was starting to look a bit annoyed now.
"Right, right. So we went back to Remus' house and used the fireplace to make a trip to the Potter house, where, to my relief, Mr. Potter always keeps a few bottles about alcohol around for emergencies…"
"Um, Mr. Black, perhaps this isn't the best story to share with the class…"
"Oh, don't worry, Professor, no one was injured, at least not seriously. You see, James' parents weren't home at the time, but I knew they would have been fine with us borrowing their firewhiskey, so we just took the bottle with us when we to meet my lady friend after work…"
"Mr. Black, your fellow students and I really do not want to hear about your illegal drinking exploits during the summer. Now…"
"But Professor, I'm sure you want to hear about what happens if you mix firewhiskey with Coca-cola!" Professor Cunningham suddenly looked surprised and mildly curious, although still terrified. "As we discovered, the fire and the whiskey and the pop bubbles all mix together to form an overflowing bubbly froth fountain! And as we later discovered, if you try to contain that bubbly froth fountain in a sealed glass bottle, it will explode!"*
Professor Cunningham looked stunned for about half a second. Finally, he gave his head a slight shake and looked at different part of the class. "Well, that was certainly fascinating! Now, for our next order of business, before we start discussing you upcoming OWL exams, I'm sure you are all looking forward to the Hogwarts Muggle Film Festival. As you know, we hold this every other year, and all of the Muggle Studies students are required to attend some of the screenings. As fifth year students, you will be required to attend at least four films throughout the year." The professor had flicked his wand, and pieces of parchment were now flying to all of the students. "You are now receiving the schedule for the films we will be showing. Most of them are on the weekends, on Friday or Saturday evenings. The first film is next weekend, and the last one is in March. There are a wide variety of films here, including some great classics along with some stunning modern releases, so I hope you will take advantage of the opportunity to attend as many of these as you can."
…
"He's showing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory again. We went so see that one third year," James pointed out.
"Look," Sirius said, "I know you liked the Oompa-Loompas because they make you look tall and handsome by comparison, but musicals are not my thing."
"What's a space alien?" Peter asked Remus, pointing to the summary of The War of the Worlds.
"It's a creature who lives on another planet. Most muggles don't really believe in them, but they write lots of stories about them. Most of the time in the stories, they're like humans with funny colored, wrinkly skin and antennae and big eyeballs."
"Oh, so like a house elf, except with antennas and…"
"Hey, look, there's one about a dog. It says it's 'an emotional, action-packed film about a boy and his dog, set on a farm in pre-electric America. A true classic, it also provides insight into the lives American cowboys."
"A boy and his dog? On a farm?" James scoffed. "That sounds about as exciting as the Peverell family histories my father made me read over the summer."
"Hey, I love dogs! It's certainly better than some show about battling purple house elves."
"But they have laser guns. Like a mix between a muggle gun and a deadly hex."
"Yeah, that does sound pretty cool. But look, the laser gun movie is in November. The dog movie isn't until February. So, let's go to both of them."
"Ok, whatever. But we have to go to that Marilyn Monroe movie, too."
"And Hamlet," Remus added. "We have to see that one; it's based on one of the greatest muggle plays of all time."
"Great, what is that one about, a girl and her piglet?" James said, rolling his eyes.
Remus consulted the movie schedule. "Um, no, that would be Charlotte's Web. They're showing that one a few weeks from now."
James groaned and leaned over to Peter. "Okay," he whispered, "if you can get Remus in strangle hold, I'll take down Sirius."
…
It was during the Christmas holidays that they had their big break through- "You're a dog!" Peter yelled, as Sirius ran joyfully around the dormitory, barking as loudly as he could.
"You'd better be quiet before someone comes up here to investigate," Remus laughed. The dog jumped up to lick his face.
Later that night, Sirius looked up from his magazine and grinned. "You know what this means, don't you James?"
"What?"
"Now we have to go see that dog movie!"
…
"Good evening, students! I'm glad you see you have all come out for tonight's film screening. Tonight's film is the American classic Old Yeller. Now, before we begin, we will review things you will need to know in order for the film to make sense. In the four year class, we just finished an extensive unit on primitive muggle technology. Who can tell me what a plow is?"
For the next five minutes, Professor Cunningham explained about muggle farms, American cowboys, and some place called Texas. Finally, he explained about some disease called rabies. "Rabies is common among animals in the muggle world, although humans can get it as well. It is fatal and causes madness in those who are infected with it. It is sometimes also known as hydrophobia, and in this film it is know by the informal dialectal word hydrophoby."
"Let's start the movie already, Cunningham," Sirius muttered under his breath.
Finally, the professor concluded his explanations and flicked his wand at the large projector in the middle of the room. A rattling noise came from within the large contraption, and suddenly a picture appeared on the screen at the front of the room. Music started to come from the victrola attached to the back of the projector.
The movie opened with an old-fashioned folksy song praising the merits of the film's title character, Old Yeller. James and Sirius did a little dance number in their seats. However, five minutes into the movie, things were starting to get dull. The opening scene depicted a man and woman in a log cabin, wishing each other a sad farewell as he left to – what exactly was he doing? A cattle drive? That must involve a car and some cows… oh, muggles! Soon they were watching a series of quaint vignettes of American farm life. Sirius felt the need to jab James' arm.
"Why did we choose this movie?"
"Because you wanted to watch a movie about a dog."
Sirius gave a sigh. "Maybe the dog will do something cool soon."
And soon it did. As the mother on the movie screen screamed for her son, Yeller charged in to attack the angry black bear. "Yeah! Get 'em, Yeller!" Sirius stood up and yelled. Everyone turned around and stared at him.
A few minutes later, Sirius elbowed Remus. "Hey, Remus!"
"Stop talking, Sirius."
"The kid on the movie reminds me of you."
"Mmm?"
"Cause he's so responsible and has no sense of fun."
"I see. Thanks."
A few minutes later, the dog and the young man were walking across the prairie together. "See, like you and Padfoot, going on an adventure. Hmm, now we need people to be James and Peter."
"James is the little brother. He loves you and has finally convinced me that I should keep you around."
"What about me?" Peter whispered.
"You're the little girl," James quipped.
"Hey!"
"Shh, quiet," Remus whispered as he noticed several people glaring at them.
Soon, Yeller was back in the action, this time, defending his master from a herd of angry wild pigs. So, however, it became apparent that Yeller had been injured in his valiant fight. Sirius leaned forward in his chair, wide-eyed, whimpering. "Old Yeller? Is he okay?"
Remus patted his shoulder. "I'm sure he'll be alright." Soon, the mother of the household had arrived to bandage him up. Sirius relaxed. Everything was going to be okay.
Ten minutes of emotional scenes later (Remus pretended that it didn't remind him of his own mother when the young man's mother was tending to his hog wounds.), the boys were ready for some more action, and action it was. The family's cow had hydrophoby! The young man bravely shot the cow to protect his family. Later that night, the young man was inside with his little brother when suddenly, his mother started yelling for him to bring the gun!
"I bet it's another bear!" Sirius whispered.
"Or a dragon!" Peter squeaked.
"It's a wolf!" the mother yelled. All four boys went tense. Remus shrank into his seat. By the time the fight scene was over and the wolf had been shot, Remus was trembling. Sirius put an arm tightly around his shoulders. Still, it got worse. Soon it became apparent that the wolf had infected the beloved dog with a deadly, maddening disease.
By the time Old Yeller met his death, most of the girls and several of the boys were making use of the boxes of tissues Professor Cunningham had placed strategically around the room. Even the professor himself, who had seen this movie several times, was getting a little teary. However, nothing would have prepared him for the sight he saw as he turned to look at the students in the back of the room. In the back right corner was a group of four fifth-year boys, all with tears pouring down their faces. Black was nearly sobbing, and he had this arms wrapped around Lupin, who looked almost sick with grief. Potter rubbed Black's shoulder comfortingly as Pettigrew blew his nose loudly. Professor Cunningham was stunned. All the times he had shown this movie, he had never had seen such a strong emotional reaction, especially not from a group of fifth-year boys.
Finally, the movie ended and the students began to file out of the classroom. Several girls were peering curiously at the group of crying young men, whispering that perhaps Black and Potter weren't as shallow as they usually seemed. Suddenly, as the boys went out the door, a furious scream erupted.
"James Potter, why did you let me watch that movie?"
The End
*This is pure fiction. I have no scientific evidence to support the claim that firewhiskey mixed with Coca-cola in a sealed bottle will result an explosion.