Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter J.K Rowling does.

I was bored so I wrote this. Tell me if I should continue or not.

Harry Potter woke up, he had the most amazing dream last night about this giant of a man telling him he was a wizard and that he was going to Hogwarts, he kept his eyes closed not wanting to wake up to the harsh reality of his life. As he laid there he heard a tapping noise and opened his eyes, happiness exploded in him and he felt as if there was a balloon swelling in him. He got up from under the huge coat of Hagrid's and opened the window to see an owl enter carrying a rolled up newspaper. It flew to Hagrid who was asleep on the couch and dropped the paper on his head; it then started pecking at him. Harry tried to shoo the owl away but it relented and carried on pecking Hagrid, "Hagrid there's a bird here; it dropped a paper and is pecking you." Harry said trying to rouse the giant. Hagrid just mumbled something about a centaur in a thong before saying sleepily "He wants money, give him three small nuts. It looks like a shriveled baby's testicle."

Harry then went to the coat and started searching in the pockets for some shriveled babies testicles, he searched through the numerous pockets and found things like mint sweets, keys, chocolate and he also found things like a whip, some rubber things that was rather oily and was stretched as if to fit a pole, some dead rats and even what looked like a half eaten kitten. Harry shuddered at what he found but finally he found three things that resembled a shriveled baby's testicle and put it in the pouch that the bird had attached to his leg.

Hagrid then woke up and started scratching his groin region while stretching and yawning wildly. They ate some of the clod sausages from last night and left on the boat that Hagrid had brought. Hagrid then tapped his umbrella on the side of the boat and it started speeding along on its own. This excited Harry as he was enthralled by seeing magic been done. He noticed Hagrid was reading the paper and mumbling about doing some 'toad lady' and he was still scratching his groin.

They reached the main land and started the long trek to London as Hagrid had said that was where they were going. They travelled by foot and also had to use two different trains. All along the ride on the trains Hagrid complained loudly about how muggles could do things without magic. He then took out what looked like a giant leather outfit and started mending it with a large needle and some cotton all the while mumbling about some rough unicorns, Harry watched him wearily as he did that and he also noticed that Hagrid was still scratching his groin but this time with vigor.

Finally they arrived in central London, as they were walking Hagrid pulled Harry into a dark narrow alley "Hold on there Harry, I just have to run a small errand."

They walked to what looked like a shop with painted windows, Hagrid told Harry to wait outside while he conducted his business. After a few minutes Hagrid came out and Harry caught a glimpse of some magazine covers with titles like 'giant jugs', 'animal farm', 'barely legal' and he also saw what looked like a giant French maids outfit. "What are those magazines for Hagrid?"

"Oh, these magazines are wankin- oh…um… there reading material for when I am alone and the outfit is for…um… a friend of mine, yes for a friend of mine."

Hagrid then led him to the front of a rather dingy looking pub called the Leaky Cauldron. They entered it and Harry wondered why the hell Hagrid was taking him into a pub. "Oh don't worry Harry this is the entrance to Diagon Alley, there we will be getting all your stuff."

When they entered Harry looked around and saw some rather odd people all over the place and kept close to Hagrid. Hagrid then in his infinite wisdom announced that Harry Potter had come back and pushed Harry in front of him. People then started coming towards him and started to shake his hand, one woman even came and said she was in love with him and if he could do the honor of signing her breast. Harry started to freak out as he saw that one was smaller than the other so Hagrid pushed him forward until they came to the back of the pub where they saw a man in a turban leaning against the wall. "Ahh Harry, this here is professor Quirril, he will be teaching you defense against the dark arts."

The professor leered at Harry and made some weird hand motions as if he wanted to grab Harry but something was holding him back. Hagrid seeing this got worried and grabbed Harry and held him close. Unfortunately for Harry Hagrid had shoved him in his groin area and started using Harry's face as a scratching post. Finally Harry freed himself and breathed in a deep lungful of air and followed Hagrid outside into the back area. There he tapped a few bricks with his umbrella and the walls opened up to reveal a hidden street. Hagrid told him that they would have to go to the bank at the end of the street t get some money and as they walked Harry wished he had a few more pairs of eyes as he saw shops selling cauldrons, books, clothes, ingredients for potions "ten galleons for a vat of bull semen, its madness I tell you." Harry overheard an old lady say.

They reached the bank and Harry saw some odd animal standing at the entrance and behind the counter. He asked Hagrid and Harry told him that they were Goblins. Hagrid gave in Harry's key and they were transported to his vault on a rollercoaster ride. As they were going at top speed Hagrid threw up and it hit some people below them. As they reached their vault Harry scooped up a whole lot of money into the bag the goblins gave him and left the vault as he looked around to see were was Hagrid he saw him using a rather jagged looking rock face to scratch his groin "Ohh yeah that's I baby right there."

Harry pulled Hagrid away giving him a weird look; they then set off to some other vault for some 'top secret Hogwarts business' as Hagrid had said. When they opened the vault Harry peeked inside and saw a rather odd looking thing on a pedestal, it was pink in colour and looked rather fleshy, it had a tuft of hair above what looked like a hole with what looked like folds around it, it also had a small sort of nub sticking a bit out just hidden by one of the folds. Hagrid promptly picked it up, sniffed it and gave it a lick before pocketing it. "What's that Hagrid?" asked Harry.

"Oh don't worry Harry, that's one of the wonders of the world that. It's called the Philosophers Pus- oh never mind you are still a bit young to understand."

They then went back to the Alley and started shopping for Harry's stuff. Harry started scratching again in public and Harry voiced his concern "Hagrid is something wrong?"

Hagrid then smiled at Harry and put his hand that he used to scratch himself on Harry's shoulder and said in a wise voice "Ah young Harry let me tell you a word of advice from an old man. If ever a female centaur comes and offers herself for free don't do it ok."

Harry looked at him weirdly and carried on walking towards the wand shop as that was one of the last items he needed. As they entered they saw an old man behind the counter. He measured Harry all over his body until finally he allowed Harry to start testing out the wands. For quite some time none of the wands Harry tried were working that is until Harry picked up something quite odd looking, it looked like a perfect replica of his willy and he found it odd that wizards would make a wand like that. He shrugged and started waving it about and then suddenly it started to vibrate, excitedly he shouted to Mr. Ollivander who was in the back of the shop looking for some more wands "This one is working."

As Ollivander came to the front with a package "he said, Ahh yes Mr. Potter the wand chooses the wizard."

But as he saw what Harry was carrying he hastily grabbed it muttering about telling his wife not to leave her toys everywhere. He then gave Harry one last wand. "This Mr. Potter is the finest wand ever made. It was made during the times of Merlin and is 10 inches of the finest oak and it contains the most powerful core ever."

"What is the core?" Harry said in awe as he waved the wand about sending sparks about.

"Its core is… one of Merlin's pubes." Said Ollivander in a whisper.

Hagrid clapped at him for getting his wand and they paid for it. They went out and Hagrid told him to g to the book store while he went to get something. As Harry walked he wondered about the bizarreness that is the wizarding world. He entered the book store and picked out his books and as he went to pay he saw a girl with brown bushy hair and brown eyes. He walked towards her and saw her reading a thick book.

"Hello, I'm Harry Potter."

"Hello, I'm Hermione Granger."

"Are you going to Hogwarts?"

"Yes and you."

"Yip."

"So il see you at Hogwarts."

"Yeah il see you there."

"Cool."

With that Harry paid for his stuff and walked outside looking for Hagrid. He saw Hagrid walking towards him with what looked like an owl; it was white and snowy looking. He gave it to Hagrid and they left the Alley were Hagrid took Harry to his uncles house and left him there where couldn't wait for September 1st.

Please R&R.