What Are Friends For?
By Helen H.
"NOOOOOOOOO! THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!"
Kowalski heard the screech of Patterson's voice two compartments away, and he was instantly sorry for anyone who found himself closer. Jumping up from the generator he was attempting to overhaul, "Ski" made a beeline for the Engineering office.
He stopped short at the doorway. Seaman Patterson was tearing around the space as if the devil himself was after him, alternating between looking down at the piece of paper he clutched in one hand and throwing both hands to his head. And if humans could be said to growl, Kowalski would swear that his old friend was growling.
"Pat! Patterson! What's the trouble, buddy?" Kowalski asked, reaching in to grab the other man as Patterson swept past once again, yanking him to an abrupt halt. Pat, eyes wide and staring, made speaking motions with his mouth, but nothing came out. Undeterred, Ski tried again.
"Okay, pal, take a deep breath. That's it," Ski said, as Pat gulped in a lungful of air. "What's the deal?"
"It's...this," Pat mumbled, smoothing out the sheet of white paper he had crumbled into a ball in his hand. "I just got this handed to me. I can't read it again. You read it and tell me what it says. Please tell me I'm reading it wrong," he pleaded, handing the paper over to Ski.
Smiling, Ski took it and began to read aloud. "Yeah, okay, it's a message from BuPers. What's the problem, I still get..." He stopped, swept the message with his eyes again, and looked over at Patterson, each man's face echoing the other's consternation at the words the message contained. "RECALLED! THEY WANT TO RECALL YOU INTO THE REGULAR NAVY?"
Patterson dropped down into the engineering officer's chair and put his head in his hands. "You were supposed to tell me I was reading it wrong," he moaned. "How can they need me back in the Navy? I'm nothing special! I'm just a sailor on Seaview!"
"Well, you gotta admit, there's been a hell of a lot of OJT on this boat," Ski countered. "I mean, think about it. Monsters... giant sea creatures... mermaids, kinda... ghosts...you've probably got a lot you could take to an "A" School billet somewhere. Ya know, teaching the new kids about..." Ski's voice faltered as Patterson looked up at him, face darkening. "Uh, stuff."
"I'm not leaving," Pat said flatly, folding his arms across his chest. "I'll go AWOL, I'll disappear into the jungle in the next crazy place we make landfall on, I'll do something, heck," and here he swallowed, "if I have to I'll go to the Admiral."
"Whoa, buddy, let's not get too crazy. I'll bet Mr. Morton wouldn't like you going over his head, c'mon now." Ski sat down in the other office chair and regarded his friend, whose face was regaining its normal color. "I'm your pal... let's put our heads together and come up with something."
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Both men sat silently for a few minutes, and then Pat stabbed a finger into the air. "I'll tell 'em I died."
Ski's mouth dropped open. "Yeah, that'll work. And so your Mom has a heart attack and she dies? Good one, Patterson."
"Okay, not such a good idea." The room quieted again, the brain processes almost visible. Suddenly Patterson slapped his hands on the desktop. "Kidnapped! I'll tell 'em I've been kidnapped by uh, uh, a lobster man! No, no, wait, they'll never believe that," he cried. "Okay, I've got it! I've been kidnapped by pirates!"
Kowalski shook his head.
"Stranded on an island that just popped up, populated by giant lizards?"
Ski shook his head again, more vigorously this time.
"Taken away by outer space aliens? Turned into a werewolf? Swallowed by a giant whale?"
"I think that one's been done," Ski said flatly.
Patterson threw his hands up into the air. "I got nothing. I might as well pack my sea bag right now. Lot of help you've been."
Ski leaned back, a wounded look on his face. "Hey, I'm trying to be some help here. I'll think of something. How long you got?"
Pat scanned the message once again. "Fifteen days. They're not even giving me the regular thirty! Something about shipping me out right away, I dunno."
Thinking hard, Ski said, "Maybe we could sneak into sick bay, get you some iodine, paint you with giant spots. Some dread tropical disease should be good for a couple weeks!"
"Riiiiighhhht. Like Doc is gonna fall for that one. Again," Pat answered, staring at Ski out of the tops of his eyes.
"Oh yeah, I tried that myself one time, didn't I," Ski said, grinning, and then immediately sobered. "I think you're right, I'm out of ideas. You'll just have to go."
Both men leaped up as Seaview's XO, Lieutenant Commander Morton appeared in the doorway. Peering over his shoulder was Chief Jones, the COB of the boat.
"We must not have enough work for you men to do, if you can spend your time relaxing in Engineering," Morton said sternly, blue eyes scowling. "What's the problem here?"
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"My..my fa-fault, sir," Patterson sputtered. "I just got this message from BuPers, and, well, I'm just all shook up about it. Sir."
Morton held out his hand. "Message? Let me see it, Patterson."
Dutifully Pat handed over the paper. The officer took it, read silently for a few moments and then handed it back. "Well, I'll be sorry to see you go, Patterson, but orders are orders."
Patterson swallowed deeply again. "So you think there's nothing you can do, sir?"
Morton shook his head. "Don't see how. They need you in the regular Navy, well, you've got to go, don't you agree?"
"I guess so, sir." Patterson hung his head, a woeful expression returning to his face.
"When does it say you've got to report? Fifteen days? That's cutting it a bit close, we're not due back in Santa Barbara for ten days. From today. What's today's date, sailor?"
Patterson thought about it for a moment and then mumbled, "It's April First, sir."
"That's correct. April the First it is."
Something was making Kowalski's shoulders bob up and down, as he began edging to the door. Chief Jones was making funny noises, too. Even the XO had clamped his lips together. Patterson looked from one to the other, the scowl on his face turning to astonishment and then anger as realization hit him. The doorway was suddenly empty, laughter echoing down the passageway as the footsteps of three men faded rapidly away.
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, KOWALSKI! I KNOW IT WAS YOU!"
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