Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia (Nyotalia or otherwise. :'D), nor do I own the song secret /or/ vocaloid. So. Just a heads up for ya.
secret
Avio Favalon
An AU Hetalia songfic~
Song: secret [Megurine Luka]
I don't know if I'm a boy
I don't know if I'm a girl
I don't know where I was born
I don't know who's my mother
Madeline Williams' lazy eyes glanced out the school window, a hand on cheek, smooshing into it a little bit. They were all idiots, those in the schoolyard, heading home. Just begging to have their identities stolen by the masses.
Just like she had.
I don't know when I got alone
I don't know how I got mad,
Now, she sat here, bored and uncaring. She had had her true self stripped from her body a long time ago. It was only a matter of time before the rest of the school was just like her. She didn't care about anything, and had no emotions other than loneliness, resentment, boredom, and just plain not-giving-a-shit about anything.
Once upon a time, she actually cared about what happened to her. She had given a shit back then. She had been new, frightened, nervous, and completely invisible. It was frustrating that people looked over her so easily, did not even acknowledge that there was some mass of body taking up space.
I don't know how I got mad,
I don't think I should go back-
Her name was Amelia Jones.
She was the one that everybody liked, the Class Hero, the Queen Bee. She'd also had an eerie resemblance to Madeline, and it was something like Prince and the Pauper but instead of switching, the Prince dragged the Pauper into her life, and slowly started her takeover of the Pauper's identity.
They hung out every day, every minute that they could, Madeline was desperate to be seen with her.
Tell me now: that u really like the show.
They were like twins. They walked hand in hand down the hallways, Madeline laughing along with Amelia about something she, deep down, didn't really think was funny. But who cared? She was Amelia F. Jones' best friend. Other girls would have killed for this, and Madeline knew it. She could tell by the looks on their faces as she walked down the hall. She knew that they didn't see her, not right away. Everything was Amelia. Amelia was like the sun, and everybody wanted some of her warmth.
And because Madeline was her best friend, they wanted her warmth, too. They wanted her place in the warmth.
Tell me now: that u really want to get high.
Tell me now: that u really like my style, oh.
Tell u now, that you are to commit a crime~
It actually disgusted her how cliché it was. The entire situation was one big fucking cliché. The usual peer pressure joke. A rolled-up joint here, a brand of clothing there, and a little dash of five-finger-discount to go with it, next thing she knows, she really is like a fucking clone of Amelia F. Jones. Her grades were absolute shit, but what did it manner? Just look at her best friend! The Queen of the School! The Hero! Hottest bitch you'd ever meet(and her best friend wasn't too bad, either).
She fell into a dark place, and she hadn't even noticed. She was too blinded by all of the lies and fucked-up details around her to notice and try to get out.
Maybe somewhere deep inside her knew that it was all wrong, all, fucking wrong, but the part of her that thought she was enjoying it - which was pretty massive - stomped out any doubt, and she remained being the Hottest Bitch's bitch, clone, sidekick, what-the-fuck-ever else you wanted to call her.
U want this? Tell me how u want it to be.
And then there was that time.
She was pressed against the wall, Amelia was pressed against her, their lips were pressed against each other. Breathing was fast, flesh was damp with sweat, the air was pierced with moans and whimpers of pleasure, fingers touched everything they could grab. She had never felt so good, not even the drugs had been this good. Nothing could compare to the feel of a soft breast in her grasp, the hot breath on her ear, the slick tongue against her own, all of these sensations making her dizzy and happy and oh, god, did it feel good!
Wasn't this the entire reason she'd done it all? Just to do this? Because in the end, she was no different than the rest of them.
She just wanted Amelia.
My mind, heart is broken.
Rejected.
She was rejected, and Amelia just smiled at her, that hero's smile, apologizing, saying that "I really mean it, Maddie! I'm sorry, but this just isn't going to work. That was a one-time thing." She laughed, and went to join that British girl, who scowled as Amelia's arm was flung over her shoulders.
Rejected for someone who didn't even want it?
So what had been the point of it all? Having every part of her stolen? Giving in to all of it, changing every bit that was demanded, giving her all? What was the point?
No one else but u was going to understand my way
She was supposed to be her best friend, and she had hoped something more after that time. But, no, now there was no one. Now she was nothing. All over again, she was just as invisible as she had been before. There was no one left for her. She was empty. Who was she?
But from the day I found u babe
U falling into me-
Amelia F. Jones.
Amelia F. Jones completely fucked up her life. Like a drug that was inside her, a parasite that was done with her after taking every part of her away, Amelia F. Jones had left her with nothing.
Why should she give a fuck about anything?
Tell me now: that u really like the show.
Tell me now: that u really want to get high.
Tell me now: that u really like my style, oh.
Tell u now, that u are to commit a crime.
U want this, tell me how u want it to be.
So now, she sat there, watching out the window, watching Amelia laugh with the new chick. Her new victim. Fucking bitch.
She thought about all of the bullshit she put up and went through just for that girl. How stupid she had been. What the fuck was the point of all that?
Pissed off (or was she? It's an honest question, she wasn't sure of anything anymore, least of all how she felt about things.), she stood up abruptly, unfazed by the sound of the chair scratching the floor, almost knocking over.
She left the classroom with a swift, steady pace, her face expressionless as she walked by anyone in the hall. They didn't notice her anyways.
She was just as invisible as she had been on day one, but then at least she still had some form of personality.
Now she didn't give a shit for anything or anyone.
Why was she even alive?
I don't know if I am a boy,
I don't know if I am a girl,
I don't when I was born,
I don't know who my mother is!
I don't know how I got alone,
I don't know how I got mad
I don't know how I got mad
I don't think I should get back.
A/N: this is an I don't even know. If you're not quite certain what exactly the fuck just happened, that is totally okay, because I'm not sure if I know myself. :'D I've been wanting to write something kind of cynical/secret-esque for a bit now. I'm not the only person who finds that song kind of idgaf, right? :'D soyeah. I hope the mood fits it. I really do. Derp.
Also, what the fuck, I used Canada! Newsflash, I adore Canada, despite my constant work with Russia and Belarus.
And Nyotalia because girls are more fun. Most likely I will write a lot of Nyotalia in the future. Not that I have anything against yaoi. Buty'know. :'D
Also I may or may not write a non-songfic companion. It may be a PruCan. Maybe. Idk.
I hope you enjoyed it! :'D
~Avio Favalon