Hermione stared up at the sky. She sat in an overstuffed chair next to the
window in the Common Room, looking into the blanket of stars above her
head. "Why?" she thought, "Why Sirius?"
It had been days since the battle at the Ministry, and Hermione still had no reason, no palpable idea why Sirius had been the one to go. She sighed and felt a tear stinging the corner of her eye. Whenever she thought of Harry, and how much he needed Sirius as a father...
"It's not fair," she continued, "he was so good, so kind, so willing to help. All he ever did was help us." She thought off all the times Sirius had tipped off Harry, herself, and Ron. She imagined how different things would be if he had not been there to help them. She realized with a sudden pang of anguish that from then on they would have to carry on without him, no matter what the needed.
Still, she couldn't help but feel a surge of something that felt guiltily like, well, gratitude. She hated herself for thinking it, and she wished every time she had the feeling that something large and heavy would hit her in the head to knock shame from her. But she couldn't help it. She glanced across the common room at Ron, who stared into the fire as though it was the only moving force on the planet. When she thought of how she had nearly lost him, how she could have had to live the rest of her life without him - she shuddered.
Hermione replayed their arguments over and over in her head, one by one. She remembered every word of every row, and she knew in the most secret places in her heart that she would be nowhere without him. Ron was the reason she woke up in the morning, and the reason she slept peacefully at night. They fought, they screamed, and she loved. Oh, God, how she loved.
It was all she could do to keep herself from sobbing out loud as she sat in her chair. She searched the stars for an answer to her question, "Why Sirius?" Did she dare believe that it was because some way, somehow, some force was letting Ron live just for her? She shook her head. She was being selfish, but she couldn't help it. Life without Sirius would be terrible, no doubt. But life without Ron...
Slowly, tears slid from her eyes and rested on her cheeks. Sirius was gone. But Ron was alive. Hermione closed her eyes and silently thanked whatever metaphysical force was listening for letting him stay. Although he did not know how she felt, she knew that no matter what she loved him, and that was all that mattered.
***
Ron's eyes never wavered from the flames. With every moment that passed he could feel anger surging in his chest. He fought to keep his rage under control. As much as he wished it weren't true, he knew that no amount of anger could bring Sirius back.
He wasn't sure whether it was the heat of the moment or the reality of life, but it seemed to Ron as though Sirius had never let them down. He had been there to save them from Wormtail - a spy - and from the Death Eaters themselves. He had watched over them and cared for all three of them like a father would. The anger in Ron's chest felt ready to explode, and one question kept ringing in his mind, "Why Sirius?"
In all his life, Ron knew he would never ever see anyone that Harry needed more. Sirius had been the one person that Harry really, truly needed. But he was gone. Like so many people he was gone. And the worst of it was that he had deserted not only Harry, but himself and Hermione as well, and all the members of the Order. He had left them when he was needed.
"No," Ron reminded himself, "he was taken. Sirius didn't leave, he was forced to go." The pain was almost too much. In his heart of hearts Ron knew that Sirius hadn't really deserted them at all. But that didn't make it any easier to accept. The reality of Sirius's absence tugged at his brain painfully.
And yet...
There was solace. Not in large amounts, not even in anything larger than a rain drop in an enormous bucket. He had a well of grief in him, and only one way to see any comfort.
Hermione.
She sat at the other end of the common room, and he stole a sideways glance in the direction. Where would he be without her? She was his unofficial world, the girl he had both dreams and nightmares about. He loved her with all his heart, although she didn't know it. If there was only one thing he had learned from Sirius's death, it was how deeply he loved her, and how lost he would be if she ever left him.
He recalled walking into the room with revolving doors, and seeing Neville carrying Hermione, slumped over and motionless. His head spun as he saw her, and had the spell which hit him not addled his brain so much, he knew he would barely have been able to live thorough the fear. Seeing her like that had sent his sane mind into a downward spiral, but he couldn't have shaken the effects of the spell if he tried. Ron knew he'd never forget the incredible surge of gratitude he felt when she awakened. Even now he looked over to where she sat every now and again, just to make sure he wasn't dreaming.
As much as he hated feeling it, and as deeply as he wished he could avoid knowing that he did, he knew he was more grateful she had lived than anything. But still his mind burned, "Why Sirius?"
***
"Why Sirius?"
***
"Why anyone?"
***
"Why anyone?"
***
"She's alive."
***
"He's alright."
***
"I love her."
***
"I love him."
***
"I miss Sirius, but God -"
***
"thank you. I don't know -"
***
"where I'd be -"
***
"without him."
***
"without her."
***
The two friends turned their heads to look at one another, and their eyes locked as they gazed across the room. For minutes, nothing else mattered. There was no fire, no stars, and no pain.
It had been days since the battle at the Ministry, and Hermione still had no reason, no palpable idea why Sirius had been the one to go. She sighed and felt a tear stinging the corner of her eye. Whenever she thought of Harry, and how much he needed Sirius as a father...
"It's not fair," she continued, "he was so good, so kind, so willing to help. All he ever did was help us." She thought off all the times Sirius had tipped off Harry, herself, and Ron. She imagined how different things would be if he had not been there to help them. She realized with a sudden pang of anguish that from then on they would have to carry on without him, no matter what the needed.
Still, she couldn't help but feel a surge of something that felt guiltily like, well, gratitude. She hated herself for thinking it, and she wished every time she had the feeling that something large and heavy would hit her in the head to knock shame from her. But she couldn't help it. She glanced across the common room at Ron, who stared into the fire as though it was the only moving force on the planet. When she thought of how she had nearly lost him, how she could have had to live the rest of her life without him - she shuddered.
Hermione replayed their arguments over and over in her head, one by one. She remembered every word of every row, and she knew in the most secret places in her heart that she would be nowhere without him. Ron was the reason she woke up in the morning, and the reason she slept peacefully at night. They fought, they screamed, and she loved. Oh, God, how she loved.
It was all she could do to keep herself from sobbing out loud as she sat in her chair. She searched the stars for an answer to her question, "Why Sirius?" Did she dare believe that it was because some way, somehow, some force was letting Ron live just for her? She shook her head. She was being selfish, but she couldn't help it. Life without Sirius would be terrible, no doubt. But life without Ron...
Slowly, tears slid from her eyes and rested on her cheeks. Sirius was gone. But Ron was alive. Hermione closed her eyes and silently thanked whatever metaphysical force was listening for letting him stay. Although he did not know how she felt, she knew that no matter what she loved him, and that was all that mattered.
***
Ron's eyes never wavered from the flames. With every moment that passed he could feel anger surging in his chest. He fought to keep his rage under control. As much as he wished it weren't true, he knew that no amount of anger could bring Sirius back.
He wasn't sure whether it was the heat of the moment or the reality of life, but it seemed to Ron as though Sirius had never let them down. He had been there to save them from Wormtail - a spy - and from the Death Eaters themselves. He had watched over them and cared for all three of them like a father would. The anger in Ron's chest felt ready to explode, and one question kept ringing in his mind, "Why Sirius?"
In all his life, Ron knew he would never ever see anyone that Harry needed more. Sirius had been the one person that Harry really, truly needed. But he was gone. Like so many people he was gone. And the worst of it was that he had deserted not only Harry, but himself and Hermione as well, and all the members of the Order. He had left them when he was needed.
"No," Ron reminded himself, "he was taken. Sirius didn't leave, he was forced to go." The pain was almost too much. In his heart of hearts Ron knew that Sirius hadn't really deserted them at all. But that didn't make it any easier to accept. The reality of Sirius's absence tugged at his brain painfully.
And yet...
There was solace. Not in large amounts, not even in anything larger than a rain drop in an enormous bucket. He had a well of grief in him, and only one way to see any comfort.
Hermione.
She sat at the other end of the common room, and he stole a sideways glance in the direction. Where would he be without her? She was his unofficial world, the girl he had both dreams and nightmares about. He loved her with all his heart, although she didn't know it. If there was only one thing he had learned from Sirius's death, it was how deeply he loved her, and how lost he would be if she ever left him.
He recalled walking into the room with revolving doors, and seeing Neville carrying Hermione, slumped over and motionless. His head spun as he saw her, and had the spell which hit him not addled his brain so much, he knew he would barely have been able to live thorough the fear. Seeing her like that had sent his sane mind into a downward spiral, but he couldn't have shaken the effects of the spell if he tried. Ron knew he'd never forget the incredible surge of gratitude he felt when she awakened. Even now he looked over to where she sat every now and again, just to make sure he wasn't dreaming.
As much as he hated feeling it, and as deeply as he wished he could avoid knowing that he did, he knew he was more grateful she had lived than anything. But still his mind burned, "Why Sirius?"
***
"Why Sirius?"
***
"Why anyone?"
***
"Why anyone?"
***
"She's alive."
***
"He's alright."
***
"I love her."
***
"I love him."
***
"I miss Sirius, but God -"
***
"thank you. I don't know -"
***
"where I'd be -"
***
"without him."
***
"without her."
***
The two friends turned their heads to look at one another, and their eyes locked as they gazed across the room. For minutes, nothing else mattered. There was no fire, no stars, and no pain.