A/N: Two words. Holy. Crap. What kind of crack was I on when I wrote this? Also, since when did I get so perverted? I blame it on puberty. Hey, I just realized, this is my first shonen ai fanfiction. Anyways, I guess you could consider this to be crack. I really don't know. I just hope it makes you laugh. Enjoy!
Pairings: KisaSasu, which is the main one, and there's slight KisaNaru and SasuSaku; if you blink you'll miss them.
Info: This is based during the time Itachi and Kisame tried to kidnap Naruto at the hotel, if you can't figure it out already. Itachi is OOC because I can't do his character very well at all, and Kisame will be wimpy one minute and perverted the next because I wanted him to be bipolar for this fic.
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, I wouldn't have a notebook filled with hastily scribbled fanfictions.
Kisame's New Boyfriend
A deadly silence filled the hall of the hotel as Jiraiya observed the scene before him with delicacy. Sasuke was standing dangerously close to Itachi; one wrong move on his part, and Sasuke was a goner. Naruto was at the mercy of Itachi's partner, Kisame; one small step and Naruto might lose a limb. The Sannin knew he had to treat the situation with much caution.
Finally the oldest Uchiha spoke, relieving some of the tension. "We're here to take Naruto-kun back to our organization, as you already know," he directed at the white haired man. Noticing Sasuke's face fall, he breached the subject of their second objective. "We also have a use for you, foolish little brother."
Sasuke's eyes widened in unmasked surprise before narrowing in suspicion. "And what would that be?"
"I guess I'll start from the beginning. Kisame here," Itachi said, gesturing to the blue skinned man, "has been depressed lately because he can't get a girl. They all run away from him screaming." Itachi leaned down to whisper, "Not that I blame them…"
"What does this have to do with me?" the youngest Uchiha asked in irritation. "And since when did you start caring about others' romantic issues?"
"It has everything to do with you," Itachi replied. "And it's kind of difficult not to care when you have an emotional partner who keeps you up every night blubbering and sobbing." With this said, he shot a glare behind him at Kisame who grinned nervously.
"Just get to the point," Sasuke urged impatiently.
"Fine. Since Kisame is obviously not having much success with women, we decided that he needs a boyfriend. That's where you come in."
"Wha…oh, no way, now way in hell!" the raven haired boy violently refused as his brother's words hit him.
"I'm afraid you don't have much of a choice, little brother," Itachi replied calmly.
"B-but I've never even spoken to him!" Sasuke objected.
"Kisame, say hi," Itachi commanded.
"Hey…" The blue haired man blushed as he waved shyly at the young Uchiha.
"There, now you've spoken," Itachi said in an almost bored tone.
"You know that's not what I meant!" his little brother growled.
"Really, otouto, why are you so against it? It actually is a perfect match."
"What the hell do you mean it's a perfect match?!" the raven haired boy demanded angrily.
"Well, when you marry Kisame he'll be related to me."
"M-marry him?" Sasuke stuttered, thinking that things were getting way too out of hand.
"Now that he mentions it, his dark blue skin would contrast with your almost white skin quite well," Naruto said thoughtfully.
"Dobe, whose side are you on?!"
"Hey, I'm just voicing my opinion," the blonde defended, holding his hands up in peace. "My opinion just happens to be a fact."
"Also, Kisame's very buff and masculine form will make up for your feminine figure," Jiraiya pointed out.
"I don't have a feminine figure!" Sasuke shouted, blushing slightly.
"Yes you do," Naruto and Itachi deadpanned in unison.
"Stay out of it!"
"Uhrm…Sasuke-kun…if it makes you feel any better, I find your feminine form very attractive," Kisame murmured timidly.
"…" Naruto, Itachi, and Jiraiya merely stared in silence while Sasuke twitched in visible disgust and irritation.
"I don't have a friggin' feminine figure!" he insisted.
Itachi sighed, grabbing Naruto's arm and dragging him over to stand beside Sasuke. "These are masculine hips," he began, running his hands down the blonde's hips, which were straight and narrow.
Naruto squealed in a high pitched tone. "Don't touch me, pervert!"
Itachi rolled his eyes, taking a struggling Sasuke's hands in his and running them down his friend's hips. "See?"
"Ugh, I don't wanna touch the dobe!" the youngest Uchiha hissed, snatching his hands back from his brother's grip.
"These are feminine hips," the oldest Uchiha continued, tracing his own hands down Sasuke's slightly curvy hips. He once again took his brother's hands in his own, running them down the boy's own hips. "See the difference? Now, don't even get me started on your feminine-shaped legs."
"You're a freak! Don't touch me!" Sasuke screamed out of character, stumbling a few feet away.
"Yeah, only I can touch Sasuke-kun's hips!" Kisame said possessively, wrapping an arm around said boy's waist for emphasis.
The next few moments found the fish man writing on the ground, clutching between his legs where Sasuke had targeted with his knee.
Itachi blankly stared down at his partner before turning to his little brother. "Now, now, Sasuke, is that any way to treat your future boyfriend?"
"I don't even know him!" Sasuke hissed, feeling very violated.
"You can get to know me," Kisame suddenly said, magically recovered and on his feet again. He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Sasuke twitched violently. "I don't want to get to know you!"
"You don't have a choice, as I said earlier. Kisame specifically wanted you."
The younger Uchiha shot a look of disbelief at his brother. "This is the first time he's seen me!"
"Not true," Itachi corrected. "When we first decided that Kisame needed a boyfriend we were already at Konoha to catch Naruto-kun, so we observed the males of Konoha. He actually wanted Naruto-kun as his boyfriend at first, because he thought he was cute-"
"Ewww!" Naruto cried in disgust, interrupting Itachi who glared at him.
"As I was saying, he wanted Naruto-kun, but it would be kind of difficult to have a relationship with your captive. So he settled on you instead, Sasuke, and refuses to choose anyone else."
"Why is he so intent on me?" Sasuke asked, dreading the answer.
"Don't you believe in love at first sight?" Kisame asked, squeaking in fright when Sasuke turned to glare at him for his words.
"Good question, otouto. I believe the reasons were that you have a nice butt, you're cute when you're sleeping, and your rebellious attitude turns him on. Am I right, Kisame?"
Said ninja blushed and nodded.
Sasuke was on the verge of emptying his stomach all over the hotel floor. "You've spied on me while I slept?! And stared at my ass?!"
"Yes," Itachi replied simply as if that was perfectly normal, ignoring Sasuke's second exclamation. "A few times you mumbled out a name. What was it? Oh yeah, Sakura, I think it was. You made Kisame quite jealous."
Sasuke blushed faintly as Naruto turned on him. "Sasuke-teme, you said you didn't like Sakura-chan that way!"
"I don't!"
"But he said you spoke her name in your sleep!"
"Shut up and stay out of this!" He silenced Naruto as more pink colored his pale cheeks.
"You're so cute when you're embarrassed, Sasuke-kun," Kisame cooed, reaching out to caress the boy's cheek.
The black eyed boy glared at the offending hand and slapped it away before it reached its destination. "You, fishy pedophile man, be quiet too!"
"I'm not a pedophile!" He sniffed, withdrawing his hand.
"You're like, ten years older than me!" Sasuke accused, crossing his arms.
"Fifteen years, actually," the older Uchiha corrected in a bored tone while observing his nails.
"That's even worse!"
"Love overcomes all obstacles," Kisame responded dreamily.
Sasuke twitched for the umpteenth time that day.
"Besides, wouldn't you rather be with the pedophile that's only fifteen years older than you instead of the pedophile who's thirty seven years older than you?" Itachi piped in.
"Orochimaru doesn't even like me that way!"
Itachi snorted. "Please otouto, he bit your neck and left a hickey. Which is still there, by the way. You should really put some cover up on that thing; people will get the wrong idea about you."
"It's not a hickey! It's the curse mark!" Sasuke cried angrily.
Itachi pulled his struggling brother closer and tugged his collar down. "It looks like a hickey to me. It seems like you have competition, Kisame."
"Mine!" the blue skinned ninja proclaimed, possessively dragging Sasuke into a bone crushing hug.
"Agh!" Sasuke wrenched away. "Don't touch me!"
"You practically lived for touch when we were younger, otouto."
"Yeah, well, he despises being touched now," Naruto replied. "I tried to pat him on the shoulder once to wish him good luck, and he nearly tore my arm off!"
"Really Sasuke, it's going to be a difficult relationship if you're going to be that violent," Itachi scolded.
"I'm not going into a relationship with anyone, especially not this bipolar shark man!" Sasuke said with a note of finality, which was promptly ignored.
"What's wrong with me? I can change!" Kisame cried out desperately.
Yet again, the poor Uchiha twitched as the last ounces of his patience dwindled away.
"It's not like Kisame will bite you. Well, at least not until you get further in your relationship."
"I don't want him to bite me any time!" Sasuke whined.
"Oh stop being a baby," Itachi ordered, rolling his eyes. "Kisame won't rape you on the first date or anything…however, your honeymoon is a different story."
Sasuke stared in wide eyed horror at his brother. "WHAT?!"
"Just forget I said anything," the crimson eyed man replied, waving his hand in the air lazily.
"I'm not even gay!" Sasuke shouted in a last, desperate attempt to save himself.
"I can change that." Kisame suddenly hooked an arm around the young boy's waist and dragged him close.
Sasuke fearfully wrenched away again. "Ok, screw you all, I'm leaving! Ruin someone else's future!"
"Not so fast, otouto." Itachi caught Sasuke's arm before he took two steps. "Looks like we'll have to do things the hard way. Kisame, take your new boyfriend." He flung Sasuke into his partner's outstretched arms.
Kisame squealed happily and picked Sasuke up bridal style. "C'mon, Sasu-chan!"
"Hey, put me down, bastard!" The raven haired boy struggled violently, flinging his limbs every which way. "And DO NOT call me Sasu-chan!" he added venomously.
"Haha, Sasu-chan! Whoa, hey!" Naruto's snickers were cut off as Itachi picked HIM up bridal style. "Let me go!"
In a dramatic poof of smoke the four were gone.
Jiraiya blinked slowly, making sure that he didn't imagine everything that just happened. "…Well, that was probably the weirdest thing I've ever seen." His gaze fell on a single sheet of paper lying on the ground, where the two Akatsuki members had previously stood. "Hey, they left me a wedding invitation!" Picking it up, his eyes narrowed mischievously as he remembered Sasuke's curvy hips, tapered waist, and long, shapely legs. "I think I know who will be wearing the dress!"
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A/N: Haha, my little sis came in my room while I was typing this and saw the title of the document, and was like O.o "Kisame's new boyfriend? Kisame's not gay!" and I was like "Haha just ignore it, it's nothing". She knows zip, zero, nada of shonen ai and yaoi. Anyways, I hope you liked it, because I actually kind of liked the way this turned out, for my first attempt at boyxboy! :P