Title: Understanding Words
Rating: T
Author: tika12001
Summary: How will I survive without my best friend? An exploration behind these words, behind Jane's interpretation.
Disclaimer: not mine, make no money, all within belong to Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro and, more recently, Jan Nash. Don't sue!
Author's note: yeah, so I have no idea where this came from. Well, okay, I lie, I was watching the scene on YouTube where Maura says this line and it was heartbreaking... and then I started thinking about the word 'falling'. So yeah, my mind goes weird places when I'm sick. But yay for back to work tomorrow! Anyways, I know it's another angsty story, but I do have a humorous one coming up soon, I just have to finish it off. So don't throw things yet please :-)
I always had a problem in school remembering the difference between verbs and adverbs, nouns and pronouns, adjectives and whatever the hell else words are used to describe other words.
I always figured who cares if the word table is a noun, because does the table know? No, it doesn't, it just goes on being a table. It's solid and dependable and doesn't care what you call the word that describes it, so long as you remember that it is a table and that's what it is.
And then it comes to words like 'fall' and 'down'. One is a verb and one is an adverb, but does it really matter when both things mean that you are on the floor? He went down like a ton of bricks or he fell down the stairs, both mean the exact thing, so why the difference? Why worry about the difference between which word is entitled to that little extra 'ad' when both words mean the opposite of up?
But then there is that word fall, and I suppose that it doesn't necessarily mean down. Because even though it is most likely that you fall down, people have also described falling 'up' (up being another adverb, but it can also be a preposition, an adjective, a noun or a verb, depending on how you use it). For example, someone can say that they fell up the stairs, but in reality they do mean falling down (which is the same, most commonly an adverb but also can be the other things too), because it is not as though when they tripped, they suddenly found themselves pinned to the ceiling. No, they fell down but because the ground is pointed up, they did not fall as far down as they would have on flat surfaces.
And then people talk of falling in love (love is both a noun and a verb, it is nothing more and everything at the same time) but that has never made sense to me because there is no falling. There is no ground rising up to meet you, no grazed knees or palms awaiting you at the end of the trip, it is simply safe and comfortable and warm. But people describe it as a sensation (noun), not a physical act, that the sensation of falling is what is meant when people say that they have fallen in love.
And I never understood that, never had that feeling, so maybe I have not experienced love in its entirety. It just seems so foreign, so unknown and uncontrolled (all three are adjectives but unknown can also be a noun), that it seemed preposterous to me. Why would someone want to feel that way, to feel as though they were tumbling down, out of control, unable to stop or save themselves from the mess at the end (end is both a noun and verb, but shouldn't the end have no definition, because its meaning simply is 'no more')?
But then those same people tell me that this is life (life is a noun, and live is a verb: it is all we are though so shouldn't it be more?) and this is what I should be seeking, because what is life without love, and I can't answer them, because maybe there is no answer (a noun and verb; the thing we always seek), maybe there are only questions.
Questions (a noun and a verb) without answers, is that not the most depressing thing you've ever heard? But so it is when I ask the question Why should I want to fall down? They have no answer when I say It is so much better to not fall at all.
And they shake their heads as though it is I who does not understand (a verb, and something we all seek, we all seek to understand) but it is they who do not comprehend. It is much better to be safe (an adjective and noun), to live life by words and not emotions, because words do not let you fall, they are not uncontrolled, or unknown, they are simply words. They describe (verb), but they do not do (verb and noun), and they are much safer (adjective) to live with than fear (fear is a noun and a verb, but scared is an adjective and I wonder how they can be so different when they mean the same).
How will I survive without my best friend?
How is an adverb, will is a verb, I is a noun and survive is a verb. Without is a preposition, an adverb or a conjunction, while my is a determiner, decreeing who it is that is claiming ownership.
But it is those last two words that trip me up. Best friend. Best is an adjective, an adverb, a noun or a verb, while friend is a noun or a verb. But best friend when together, I don't understand what it is.
It is certainly a noun, as it describes her so perfectly, but a verb means to describe an action or occurrence, and I think that our friendship is an action in and of itself. Adverb can be appropriate, because she is certainly the best of the best, but then there is also a conjunction because there is no friend without the word best when it comes to her. But also the word adjective stutters into my mind's eye, because adjective is a describing word, an attribute of a noun, and if friend is the noun here, then best is certainly the most fitting attribute, because best is what she is, and I can't imagine her ever being anything less.
And it strikes me now that maybe I don't like words so much as I made out, because the word without tears at my heart a little bit, makes me feel as though my stomach has risen into my throat (a fact she will claim is impossible, but I know better), but then I think of Casey and I think of love and I wonder if I really know what falling in love is.
If I even know what love is, besides being a noun and a verb, and the reason the world goes around.
Because maybe if I loved Casey, I would feel this way about him, and not about the woman standing in front of me.
I haven't said yes (an exclamation and a noun; an affirmation of the mouth when the eyes are ignored) to him yet because being without him is not the torment (noun and a verb) that I imagine it should be, but to be without Maura makes me fear losing her.
Loss is a noun, but it is also torment and fear, despair and desperation.
And for once I wish I had her brain, her 'wordiness' because I just stand still when she walks away from me, when tears spill from her eyes down her cheeks, and I wish I knew how to express (verb) myself adequately so that she knows, she knows what I mean.
To run away is a phrasal verb, and that's what I do, and I don't run away towards her, I run away from her.
Because I finally realize that I have fallen in love, and it was with the wrong person. It was her.
But maybe if I run now, I can stop the fall¸ can stop the uncontrollable-ness of it all, and save my heart from trying to understand how it feels, can stop the loss before it starts, and I don't ever have to consider the unbearable fact that I might ever choose (choose is a verb, while choice is a noun and an adjective, both lead us to believe that we have choices when sometimes we really only have the pretence of it) to live without her.
And I wish I was better with words, because maybe if I understood the meanings behind them, I would understand me.
And I would allow myself to love her.
Maura means great, and she is my best friend, and this is all I understand.
END
You know the drill, I write, you review. :-) And if it sucks... blame the fact I'm sick and in stupid amounts of pain :-D haha