A/N: So, I don't really know what this is. I say that every time I post something on here, but really, I just sit down and let whatever comes out, come out. There are some inconsistencies in terms of the show in this piece. Like when Hanna was being tortured by A.D., for example, I treated that more like a dream than reality for the sake of this. And there are some timeline inconsistencies as well where I acted like things happened within days instead of the weeks or months that they probably really did. But yeah. This is basically about Hanna's thoughts after Spencer gets shot. I love Hanna so please don't take this as me not thinking she's wonderful. I've just noticed how blank her face has been this season as opposed to previous seasons and sort of came up with a bit of a backstory about why that might be. And I really love the Spanna friendship. So yeah! I don't know what this is haha but I hope you enjoy it!
When Spencer gets shot, you feel like the ground beneath you has opened up and swallowed you whole.
It didn't feel like this when Ezra got shot. Sure, he was your teacher and Aria's somethingorother at the time, but you felt indifferent. You saw Aria completely fall apart and your heart ached for her, but you honestly couldn't have cared less about Ezra. He was kind of an asshole back then, anyway.
With Caleb, you were terrified. He was the first person in your life to ever get shot but he definitely wouldn't be the last. When you saw him strapped to a stretcher, bleeding and pale, you couldn't help but feel like your heart had been slaughtered into the ground. You were hysterical and sobbing and screaming into Aria and Spencer's arms and you couldn't breathe again until the doctor told you he was going to be okay.
With Spencer though, it's different. You don't feel the indifference that you did with Ezra or the heart-wrenching pain that you did with Caleb. No, with Spencer, it's worse. Because even before Caleb, Spencer was there. She's always been there. She's your best friend. And you feel like shit because no matter what you do, you just keep hurting her.
You saw how she felt about Caleb and you still kissed him. She asked you for your permission to date him and you gave it to her. You were a little bitter about it, but you still gave it to her. And you did mean it, at the time at least. You were engaged to someone else after all.
You think about every stupid thing you've ever gotten mad at her about, every terrible thing you've ever said to her, every awful thing you've ever done to her. It all flashes through your mind in a matter of milliseconds. You've made a lot of mistakes, but you're not the same girl you were in high school. You like to think you've matured, but if you're honest with yourself, you sometimes feel like you're even worse now than you were back then.
When Caleb confesses his love for Spencer, you're just standing there, hidden in the corner. He doesn't know you're there and Spencer is trying her hardest to be considerate towards you and all but tells Caleb to shove it. You know she loves him. You can hear it in her voice and the way she begs him to leave. You can feel it in the way she slams the door. You can see it in the way she avoids your eyes and jumps right back into the topic at hand. But somehow, you erase this all from your memory when you hook up with Caleb a few days later. He tells you he loves you and he knows how you like your french fries and you're sold. Because you've always loved him.
You don't care that he just professed his love for Spencer a few days ago. You don't care that he skipped out on you multiple times before. You don't care that you basically left your fiancé for him. You don't care that you're screwing over your best friend. You don't care. And if you're honest, you haven't cared for a very long time.
Spencer kept you sane. She was the one who challenged you and talked you off the ledge whenever you'd go on one of your theorizing rants. That whole correcting your vocabulary thing she did was damn annoying but it made you a hell of a lot smarter, too. And when you went five whole years without talking to her or seeing her everyday, things changed. You changed. It wasn't all overnight, but slowly, you began to become hardened. You still smiled and laughed and kept up appearances when you had to. But your face was blank ninety-nine percent of the time. You became empty. And you stopped giving a fuck.
You go rogue and kidnap Noel Kahn like it's something as simple as stealing a lipgloss. You feel like you're sixteen again, only this time, you don't care if you get caught. You don't feel guilty. You want him to pay for the hell he caused you. But more than that, you just want to feel something.
That's all you've wanted since you left this stupid town five years ago. You wanted it with Jordan. You wanted it during Charlotte's release hearing. You wanted it when you were being tortured by A.D.. You wanted it with Caleb. But it's been so long since you've truly felt anything (other than emptiness, that is) that you can't even remember what it's like.
At the school for the blind, you feel like you're in some poor budget horror movie. Noel's severed head makes you gasp, but that's mainly because of how ridiculous the whole thing is. What a stupid way to die, you think to yourself bitterly. As you and Emily meet up with the others, you hear a gun go off and instantly take notice that Spencer isn't with the rest of you. You tell yourself she's fine and that this isn't happening and for a moment, you almost believe it.
When you imagined your life without Ezra all those years ago, you didn't even flinch. Sure, he was there for you when you were crying about college and your dad, and he told you some silly story about how he used to dress up like a hot dog, but that doesn't warrant a long-term place in your life. You knew that Aria would be heartbroken, but she'd get over it eventually.
When you had to imagine your life without Caleb, you felt like you couldn't breathe. You were in denial and kept shaking your head and felt like your heart would rip in half if you thought about it for too long. But in the back of your mind, you knew that you'd get over it eventually too, if you had to. You'd never forget about him and you'd always love him, but if it came down to it, you knew you could disassociate enough to the point where you'd probably be able to love someone again in another ten years.
But when you imagine your life without Spencer, you feel a pain that you've never felt in your life. You feel your heart deflate in your chest, like a shrunken balloon that's running out of air. You feel unsteady and cold, like the sun will never shine as brightly again. But worst of all, you feel like you don't know how you'll be able to go on.
Sure, you'll make new friends eventually, and maybe some of them will even remind you of her, but you know that no matter how hard you try, you'll never be able to open up to them. You know you'll still have Aria and Emily and Alison, but you don't how the four of you will be able to carry on like you once did. You don't know how you'll be able to let anyone in ever again.
Because Spencer Hastings is the personification of grace. She is strong and fearless and fights for her friends with everything she has. She's the only one who's always believed in you. She's the one who got you out of that literal torture chamber. Sure, it was some weird, terror induced daydream, and you don't even know how much of what you experienced there was real, but you know it means something that Spencer was the one you saw instead of Caleb or Aria or Emily or Alison.
Caleb would've done anything for you once upon a time. If you're honest, you know that he probably still would. But Spencer is the only person in your life (aside from your mom) who has consistently been there for you. She's never called you the problem. She's never blamed you. And what's left of your heart shatters when you realize that you've never had the opportunity to tell her how much you appreciate her.
As you rush into one of the classrooms and find your best friend lying on the ground, covered in blood while she's being cradled by Mary Drake, you feel this soul-crushing terror. Your hands shake and your knuckles turn white and you feel like you're going to faint, so you scream out "What did you do?!" It's only then that you realize you're partially talking to yourself.
It doesn't matter that you weren't the one who pulled the gun on her, it doesn't matter that she forgave you for kissing Caleb, it doesn't matter that she'd never hold anything against you, it doesn't matter that she'll love you unconditionally no matter how many times you screw up. You can't help but feel terrible because it seems like the only thing you know how to do anymore is hurt her.
It's silly, in a way, thinking about what you'll do without her. Because you did go five years without her very recently, but it's not like she wasn't around during that time. If you called her, if you needed her, she'd be on the next plane out to see you, no questions asked.
But if she dies... If she dies, you don't know what you'll do. The future seems foggy and cloudy and dark without her spark.
You're shaken out of your thoughts and transported back into the present moment when Mary announces that she's Spencer's mother. You don't have time to be shocked about that though because your attention is solely focused on your best friend. You see Spencer's eyes start to fluter closed and her breathing start to slow down and you feel like you're having an out-of-body experience.
In an instant, the walls around your heart that you've spent years building up to protect yourself and keep out any possibility of feeling start to crumble in your hands. It feels like bulldozers and wrecking balls and sledgehammers are having a go at the vital organ encapsulated within your chest.
And when you break down in hysterics that rack your entire body and finally allow yourself to cry for the first time in God knows how long, you realize that you're actually feeling something.
You just hate that it's taken the possibility of having to live a life without your best friend to get here.