LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD ARTHUR
A long time ago, there lived a little… um… boy, I guess, who always wore a red cloak with a hood which he used to hide his messy hair and busy eyebrows.
"Hey, my hair isn't messy and eyebrows aren't that big"
Shut it Iggy.
"And don't call me Iggy!"
Shut it, now follow the story or I'll make you wear the dress.
"Fine, now can you please not call me Iggy? I'd prefer it if you called me Arthur"
Fine, Arthur it is then. So, as I was saying because of this he was known as Little Red Riding Hood but to save time we'll just call you Arthur.
"That's my name, what else are you going to call me?"
Don't go there.
He lived with his mother in a little house on the edge of the wood.
"Why do I live near the woods?"
How should I know, go ask the one who originally wrote this.
"You're just reciting a book but slightly changing the wording"
And what if I am? I already did it once, I can do it again.
One day his mother asked him to take some cakes to his Grandma who lived in a cottage at the other side of the wood.
"The other side of the woods, are you telling me the author sent some kid into the woods alone? Are they completely bloody bonkers?"
Have you ever read Little Red Riding Hood before? You should know how the story goes. Now stop trying to rationalise the story and get going.
Arthur loved going to see his Grandma and he skipped along the path…
"I am not skipping"
Like I said, he skipped along the path through the woods with the basket of cakes because he didn't want me to use his magic books to summon the 'devil'.
"Okay, alright, I'm skipping, happy?"
Yes, you look really manly right now *starts laughing*
"I refuse to do this anymore, go ahead, and call Ivan. I dare you"
Okay, I was only joking, stop starring at me like that. It's kinda creepy and besides, I think he's nursing a hangover he got from the last fairy tale he was in (even if it was for like five minutes).
On the way he stopped to pick some flowers.
"Flowers, really?"
Yes, really. Now this was a mistake because there was a wolf who lived in the woods and he saw him.
"Bonjour, Arthur" Francis said.
"Francis, what the bloody hell are you doing here and why are you naked?" Arthur asked.
"Your blushing how cute"
"Get the hell away from me!"
That has got to hurt… so, um, I guess Francis is the wolf... anyway he asked Arthur where he was going.
"I'm taking these cakes to Grandma's," Arthur said.
"I know," said Francis," let's go together"
"Get bent git"
Well there goes the plot. So instead of setting down different paths they took the same path to the cottage… Francis, leave Arthur alone and put some god dam clothes on.
"But I am wearing clothes" Francis said.
That's a rose, a pair of ears attached to a hair band and a costume wolf tail. At least put some underwear on.
So, we'll have to skip that part seeing as Francis the wolf is now with Arthur, I just hope he gets there in one piece.
"Of course I will" Arthur snapped.
I was talking about Francis.
"You do care" Francis said.
Shut it, pervert. Now then when Arthur and Francis came to Grandma's house they went to the bedroom to see her.
" You look a little strange Grandma," Arthur said, "what big hairy arms you have"
"All the better to hug you with my dear," said Grandma.
"But, what big ears you have Grandma" Francis said.
"All the better to hear you with my love" said Grandma.
"You have such big eyes, Grandma!" Arthur said.
"I love to see you so much my dear" said Grandma.
"But what very very big teeth you have Grandma" Francis said.
"All the better to EAT YOU WITH ! " roared the wolf and jumped out of bed…
"Wait, I thought Francis was the wolf" Arthur said.
I did too.
"I never said I was the wolf, you all just assumed I was" Francis pointed out.
"Then why are you here?" Arthur asked.
"To keep you company"
"Like I need you to keep me company"
Guys, the wolf.
"Oh yeah" Arthur and Francis said.
He chased Arthur and Francis round the cottage and then out of the door.
Luckily, a woodcutter was working nearby and he heard their cries. He killed the wolf with his axe and Grandma popped out of the wolf's tummy all in one piece!
"How is that even possible?" Arthur asked.
"And I was not screaming" Francis said.
Francis, quit poking the wolf.
Arthur thanked the woodcutter for saving his life and…
"And he asked to borrow his axe because there was still one more 'wolf' that needed taking care of" Arthur said.
"Why are you looking at moi?" Francis asked.
"Why don't you stand still and find out"
And so Arthur chased Francis all the way back home, that is assuming he even made it back home. I sure hope Arthur doesn't make too much of a mess. Seriously, I might need him again.
The End.
"STAND STILL!" Arthur yelled.
"NON, YOU'LL JUST CUT ME UP!" Francis yelled.
"WHY DON'T YOU STAND STILL AND FIND OUT!"
"NON! SAVE ME!"
The story's finished, you're on your own. Good luck.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"