Until I bleed I reach out next to me. But there is nothing. Just the cold bed sheet and a big part of nothing. I turn around and sigh. I can't believe it that you are not here with me. I know it's my own fault but it is so hard to accept that. I mean how long did we have each other? Five months, six months. It feels like a bat of an eyelid. It feels like an eternity. I never thought that I could miss you like that. Hell, I never thought I could miss anyone like that. But I guess you have been a first in so many things. I shouldn't be surprised that you are the first person I miss so much that it actually physical hurts. I whip over my eyes and as every morning I try to pretend for a second that you are just in the shower and will be with me just in a few minutes. I pretend that I can hear the water rushing and you singing some silly song. It seems so real it almost hurts. I open my eyes again and it really hurts now. Reality comes crashing down all around me and I know that you are gone. And do you know the worst part about everything? I know that you are just a couple of meters away from me. Maybe three doors. But the distance couldn't be bigger if we would live on different continents. You are gone and it is my fault. My pride, my ego, my temper. That all drove you away and I can't even blame you. I can just hope that one day I will find someone else who I can love the same way I loved you. But I know that I won't. Because you were special. Because you were all I ever wanted.