"Don't turn away, dammit. Don't leave." I tell myself over and over again. "Don't leave Italy."
I force myself to look back at the small country, who is now waving frantically. Why am I doing this? Why can't I stay?
"No matter how much time will pass, you'll always be my favorite in the whole world!" I shout. I can still feel Italy's soft lips against my own. Will I ever see him again?
Finally, I force myself to turn away. "Don't cry. Stay strong," I tell myself, but it doesn't work. I can feel the tears welling up, threatening to fall. Italy can't see me like this, he needs to know I'll be okay. Even if I won't.
I force these thoughts away as I make my way through the gates, for the final time.
•••
I wake up, a cold sweat forming over my body. Quickly, I sit up, recalling my memories from this dream. This recurring nightmare that I can't seem to get rid of. I can't ever remember much, just this aching feeling of both despair and terror, and I'm always walking away from someone I care about deeply.
My thoughts are interrupted as I feel the bed shift to my left. I must have sat up too quickly.
"Luddy?" I hear a soft voice ask. "What are you doing awake? It's only 5 in the morning." The brunet man beside me rubs his eyes as he sits up to join me.
"Nothing, just a bad dream," I answer. "Go back to sleep, we have training later."
"It must have been a really bad dream. You're crying." He reaches up to wipe the tears from my eyes.
"Really? I didn't even notice."
"What happened in your dream?" He asks me, looking up at me with wide, brown eyes.
"It was nothing, Feli," I say, lying back down. "Nothing I can remember, anyway."
"Oh, ok." He blushes and lies down next to me again. I smile down at him.
"You're beautiful, Feliciano," I tell him. He really is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
"Ti amo, Ludwig," he says, snuggling in closer. Seeing him in my arms comforts me, and all the depressing feelings from my dream are gone. I lightly trace small circles on his back with my thumb.
"Ich liebe dich." I kiss him on the forehead. Eventually, we both drift off to sleep, with no nightmares to disturb us.
•••
I wake up to the sweet voice of Feliciano.
"Luddy, it's time to wake up, sleepyhead!" I feel a soft fingertip press gently against my nose, followed by a quiet giggle. With a tired groan, I finally give in and open my eyes. Funny, I'm usually the one who has to wake him up.
"Lud, c'mon! I made you pasta!"
"Pasta? For breakfast?" I ask, though this was not a rare occurrence.
"Well, it's nearly lunchtime now. You slept in a lot. You must have been really tired." I glance to the clock on the bedside table, that now reads 11:48.
"Yeah, apparently."
Soon enough, I'm being dragged downstairs by Feliciano. I realize that he forgot to put on decent clothes, and was only wearing boxer shorts. Again, this was not a rare occurrence. The scent of tomato sauce fills my nostrils as the brunet man sits me down at the kitchen table. He subtly moves his chair closer to mine. Well, he thinks that he is being subtle. Tentatively, he sits down next to me. I take a bite of the pasta.
"This is delicious, Feli."
"Grazie!" he says, smiling. "What time does training begin?"
"I was thinking about taking a day off today," I say glancing out the window. It was a cloudy day, and it was starting to rain. After a few moments of silence, I speak again. "Besides, shouldn't we clean out the attic? We haven't even glanced at that stuff in years."
"Okay, Lud~"
We finish our lunch, and make our way up to the attic. I reach up, and pull down the ladder.
"Oh, it looks scary up there," Feli says nervously.
"Don't worry, I'm right behind you. I won't let you fall."
I let the Italian go in front of me. Cautiously, he climbs up the ladder.
"Ok Feli," I instruct. "When you get up there, pull the chain to turn the light on."
"Ok." The brunet was shaking. "Promise you won't let me fall."
"Of course. I've got you." I gently grip his ankle. He gets so scared of the smallest things, yet I can't help but find this quality endearing, in a way. After a few seconds the light turns on. "Okay Feli, go on up."
Eventually, we are both standing in the cluttered attic. Rays of sunlight shine through the small window, illuminating the small particles of dust floating throughout the room. The dust that isn't in the air has settled over the years, coating the entire area.
"Wow cool!" Feliciano exclaims. "I wonder what kind of stuff we'll find up here!"
There are definitely a lot of boxes. In fact, I can't even see the walls, the boxes are piled up so high.
"Well, I suppose we'll begin with this one," I say, grabbing a particularly heavy box. I pull out my pocket knife, flipping the blade open. I cut through the tape and open the flaps. Inside, I find a mess of clothing that nobody had even bothered to fold.
"What are those?" Feli asks.
"Just some old uniforms. Although I doubt any of them would fit anymore." I put the box to the side. Right away, Feliciano begins digging through it, and pulls out a particularly frilly maid's uniform. The tiny dress looks very familiar, but I cannot place where I've seen it before. As he holds the dress up, I can see he looks almost...heartbroken.
"Italy, what's wrong?" I ask frantically. I don't think I have ever seen this look on his face before, he must be thinking of something really tragic. It takes him a few seconds to answer. It seems as though he is in shock.
"Oh, nothing," he says, shaking off the situation with a small, and obviously forced laugh. "This just looks a lot like my old uniform from when I was little. Silly, huh?"
"Oh," I begin, unsure of what to say. "I am sure it is just a coincidence."
"Yeah. Anyway, should we start another box?" He asks, reaching for what quite possibly is the largest box in the room. I am still not convinced that the situation has been forgotten, as I observe the dress that has now been carefully placed to the side.
"Here Italy, let me help you. That box looks really heavy."
After quite a large amount of effort, we manage to drag the box to the center of the room. As I open the flaps, I strain to see what is inside. Everything is jammed together and covered in dust.
"Whoa, there's a lot of stuff in here!" We begin cleaning out the box, pulling out various items that have been damaged over the years. A chipped plate, a picture frame, a broken necklace. I am examining the necklace when I see Italy pull out a very small push broom.
"Germany," he begins to say, again with that terrible look on his face. "Why is my old push broom up here?" I glance at the broom. It was mine at some point in my life, though I barely remember anything about my childhood. Something about this broom triggers a very, very bad feeling, but I can't recall what.
"This was mine from when I was little. If I recall correctly, I received it from a friend of mine. Did you have one like it too?"
"Mm-hmm." Italy still doesn't look right, but after a few seconds he speaks again. "I had a broom exactly like this one when I lived in Mr. Austria's house. I gave it away to a friend when he had to leave to go to war. I wanted him to have something to remember me by, at least until he came back." Italy stops speaking, but I can tell from his broken expression and the tears starting to well up in his eyes that his friend never made it back.
"You two must have been very close," I say, hoping that if Italy talks about this, he'll feel better. "What was his name?" He hesitates a few seconds before finally answering.
"His name was Holy Roman Empire," he says so quietly I can barely hear. Holy Roman Empire, why does that name sound so familiar? Holy Roman Empire. I search through my memories, trying to remember. Suddenly, all of my memories come flooding back to me when I realize, with horror, the truth behind that name. I can feel the color drain out of my face.
I was Holy Roman Empire.
So many hundreds of years ago, I lived with Italy in Mr. Austria's house. I remember everything now. Italy was my first love. Italy gave me the push broom before I Ieft to go to war. Italy had expected me to come back to him.
"I-Italy...I-" I pause, at a complete loss for words. How should I tell him? What if he doesn't take it well?
"Ludwig, what is it?" I can feel tears beginning to well up in my eyes. It's been so long, and I've finally found my first love again. So many years have passed. God, why am I getting so emotional? "Lud, what's wrong? Please tell me!" I feel two small, yet steady hands gently cup the sides of my face. I look into his worried eyes, trying to think of what to say next, but instead of speaking, I grab Feliciano and pull him close.
"Never again," I say, clutching the Italian man as close to me as possible. Unable to blink back the tears, I feel them begin to freely roll down my face. "I'll never leave you again." I can tell Italy is surprised at my sudden outburst, to say the least, but he clasps me back.
"Germany, what's going on? You're scaring me a li-"
"I remember everything now," I say, cutting him off. "I'm sorry I never came to see you after the war. I was almost dead, I had lost most of my memory, oh god I'm so sorry!" At this point I'm fully crying, sobbing into Italy's shoulder. I can tell he's trying to piece together what's going on.
"Wh-what? Are you trying to say that you're-" Italy holds me up, and I see that he is starting to tear up as well.
"I broke my promise, I'm so sorry. It's been hundreds of years, but I'm back. I love you so much." I collapse into Italy's embrace again, letting my emotions take over. I don't think I have ever cried this much.
"Holy Roman Empire?" I hear Italy's voice, shaking now. I'm not sure if it's from surprise or rage. He sits me up again to look me in the eyes. I try not to let the overpowering feeling of guilt take over as I look into his eyes, but some of the weight is lifted off as I realize that Italy does not seem to be angry, but has a small smile. The tears begin to fall down his face as well. "I always knew you would come back to me!"
I let out a small laugh, relieved at his reaction. We sit in each other's arms, embracing each other, for a very long time. We have shifted to a position where I am leaning against a box, my legs intertwined with Italy's. Italy is resting his head on my chest, and I notice he is starting to doze off.
"Feliciano?"
"Hm?" He responds sleepily.
"Why don't we head back down now? We can clean out the rest of the attic some other day."
"Ve~ okay." We head down the ladder (me first, so I can help Italy down) and walk to the living room, where we settle down on the couch. I look down at Feliciano, my Feliciano, and gently brush his hair behind his ear. He looks up at me, and I feel my heart skip a beat. We both lean in simultaneously, and ever so slowly. My eyes flutter shut, and our lips brush together, sending chills throughout my entire body. I hold Feliciano even closer as the kiss deepens, our tongues brushing together. I run my fingers through Italy's soft, auburn hair. This kiss is unlike any other we've shared before. More passionate than any intimate moment shared at night, more romantic than any casual peck on the cheek. This kiss contains emotion, longing, love. I have fallen hopelessly in love with Feliciano all over again, and there's a feeling I cannot accurately describe. I feel like I'm flying, soaring through the air, and my heart just keeps beating faster and faster. Never in my life have I been more happy.
The kiss breaks, with Italy lying on top of me. We lie there, staring into each other's eyes. I trace small circles on Feliciano's back while he plays with my hair, which now falls over my forehead, instead of being gelled back.
The hours pass by, and the sky turns from a light to a midnight blue. Italy dozes off in my arms, shortly falling into a deep sleep. I look down at the smaller nation, who has now begun to snore quietly.
I snuggle closer. As sleep beckons me closer, I decide to myself that there is no place I would rather be.
•••
One month later...
Perfect, I think to myself as I finish setting the table. Everything is ready for tonight. The candles are lit, the food is cooking, the table is set, and the small velvet box containing a custom made ring is in my suit pocket.
Tonight is the night I propose to Feliciano.
Italy is going to be home from work very soon, so I have to make sure his favorite pasta is finished in time. I have just finished serving the food onto the plates when I hear the door open. I allow myself to panic for a brief second, worrying that I have overdone things with the flower petals and the dimmed lights, but I only have one shot at this, so it has to be romantic.
"Hi Ludwig! What's all this about?" Asks Italy as he walks into the dining room. I pull out a chair for him. "It smells wonderful," he remarks as he sits down. I push the chair in, lean down, and kiss him on his cheek, causing his cheeks to turn a light pink color. I smile to myself as I take my place across from him.
"How was your day, meine liebe?" I ask him. Japan had agreed to take him out for the day, so I could get everything prepared for tonight.
"It was a lot of fun! I missed you though!"
"I missed you too. There's um...something I wanted to ask you." I haven't realized how nervous I am until now. My hands are beginning to sweat, and my throat is clenching up.
"Ok~ what's the question?" I fidget with the ring box under the table. I notice that Italy has already almost finished his food, and I have hardly touched mine. I'm too nervous to eat anything.
"Well, um... I, erm, wanted to know if...uh..." Feliciano gets up to take the chair next to me. He puts his hand on my shoulder, and it's not until now that I realize how much I've been shaking.
"Wow Luddy, I don't think I've ever seen you get this nervous. Don't worry, you know you can ask me anything," Italy says reassuringly as he leans forward to plant a small kiss on my lips. Feeling a little more at ease, I reach my hand up to Italy's, which is still resting on my shoulder, and guide it down, taking both of his hands in my own. I kiss them gently, slowly gaining up more strength to ask this question. I take a deep, shuddering breath before continuing.
"Feli, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, to put it blatantly." Italy smiles softly as he looks into my eyes. "We both know that we have not had the easiest lives. We have faced war, tragedy, and loss, that no person should ever have to face. But when I'm with you, I feel like I don't have to be alone anymore. Because you are here, I can be myself. And for that I thank you.
"I suppose I have been quite lucky in life, surviving things that I should never have been able to live through. And trust me, there have been times I didn't want to, where I just..." I pause for a second. "This is getting a bit depressing, sorry," I say, chuckling nervously. Italy squeezes my hand reassuringly, and I continue.
"I guess, what I'm trying to say is... Feliciano Vargas?"
"Yes, Ludwig?" I get down on my right knee, taking the small velvet box out of my pocket.
"Will you make me the luckiest man in the world, and do me the honor of marrying me?" I open the box, allowing Italy to see the ring. Instead of a traditional ring, this one had a gold band and a circular ruby stone with small emerald stones on top. Shaped like a tomato. Right away, Italy bends forward as his lips press firmly against my own.
"Of course I'll marry you, Ludwig Beilschmidt! Ti amo tanto!"
"Ich liebe dich auch!" I put the ring on his left ring finger, and it fits perfectly. I stand up, and Italy jumps into my arms, wrapping his legs around me. I spin him around, and we are both laughing, happier than either of us ever have been. I look into his beautiful brown eyes and he looks right back at me. Before I know it, our lips crash together. In between breaths, we smile at each other. Spending the rest of my life with this man is the best thing I can imagine, and it's becoming a reality. I can't help but think to myself:
There is no place I would rather be.