~ Emerald Sonata Works ~
{= Dungeons & Dragons =}
~ A SIMPLE CLERIC ~
A.K.A. SIMPLE
(attack_on_giants)
{~By Emerald Sonata~}
Hey there. This is a story about my party meeting someone who likes to refer to himself as a 'simple cleric'…but first.
「Me: SCREW THIS GARBAGE AND RUN!」
I dove into a nearby cave, along with several other adventurers I was with, in time to avoid a horde of angry giants that were trying to eat us alive for freaking breakfast.
「Me: Seriously! How the heck did we end up in this mess!?」
Sigh…looks like some introduction is in order.
My name is Jayden and I'm an Elven Swordmage. My regular Dungeon and Dragon party consists of the following: Codwin, the Orc Paladin; Aya, the Demoness Knight; and Marilyn 'Meryl' the Halfling Ranger. When I say 'regular', I mean these guys have been questing with me for about 5+ years and have gone through some serious *bleep* together. We originally had a fifth member, a Warmage, but he suddenly went up and moved to the states without any warning and now we're one member short – and he was the critical member of the team (screw him).
「?-?-?: I'M SOOOOORRRRYYYYYYY!」
…Today, we met a strange new fellow. Patchoullistein vi'uul Laputa the XII…or Simple for short (much to his chagrin). When I mean new, I meant complete-first-time-playing-table-top-RPG-ever new. He was interested in the game and wanted to join our group. As we were desperate for a fifth player, we literally dragged him into our Warmage's favorite feng-shui seat without a second thought (again, screw the AWOLer). After giving him some rough pointers and basic rules, we helped to roll up his character and he ended up becoming a Level 1 Human Cleric, or a simple cleric as he liked to refer himself – hence 'Simple'.
「DM: You were all successful in running into the rat-hole cave you call a haven. However, just when everyone wants to give a sigh of relief, you hear the rocks and ceiling around you starting to break and crack. The giants outside are not amused and they are pounding away the cave door with their boulder-crushing fists and log-mushing feet. You have exactly 3 turns before the whole cave collapse and you all become open game. Of course, you'll just be doomed before you even know it.」
「Jayden: Dude, what is your problem!? Why do you enjoy throwing us into an impossible situation where even James Bond and the guy from Mission Impossible would go 'screw this, I'm out!'! And we got a new guy on the team for crying out loud – have you no manners!?」
「DM: …Giving you 3 turns worth of reprieve is already being at my best behaviour. Now roll.」
「Jayden: $#%*!」
「Aya: Hm? Simple? Why are you crying? Are you still upset that you accidentally touched my butt when we fell into this cave? Don't worry about it, your touch was quite gentle.」
「Simple: I-it isn't that, Miss Aya…A-almost…I-it's all my fault! I-if I hadn't made a bad Attack Roll and missed the goblin scout, I could've stopped him from signaling the giants to come and ambush us! Gaaaaaaah! I should've went with a Barbarian class in the first place! PLEASE FORGIVE ME – AS WELL AS FOR HARASSING YOU MISS AYA!」
「Aya: Like I said, you were very gentle. I actually liked it.」
「Jayden: …Aya. Shut it. You're a straight-faced pervert. Simple doesn't know that – but you do. So quite harassing him instead. Meryl! Get over here and calm Simple down! All this screaming isn't helping my nerves.」
「Meryl: Aye-aye~!」
*SLAP!*
「Simple: …I'm sorry. I'll be quiet now.」
「Jayden: …I SAID FREAKING CALM HIM DOWN – NOT B*TCH-SLAP HIM!」
「Meryl: But it worked, didn't it? Tee-hee~」
「Jayden: BOTH OF YOU GIRLS ARE MESSED UP!」
「DM: …While you were having a lover's spat, time continued on and now you're down to 2 turns before imminent destruction.」
「Jayden: AND YOU, JERKFACE! I'LL HAVE THE DM-GODS DISQUALIFY YOU!」
My god. I've had worse games with situations like this – but this takes the strawberry off a strawberry shortcake! With whatever little time we had left, our party held an emergency tactical meeting over a small rock as a table (which failed miserably as it didn't even have enough room to let half of my elbow fit!)
「Codwin: Hmm. This is definitely a troubling dilemma. We need to stay as calm as possible in order to come up with the best strategy.」
「Jayden: No freaking hey this is a troubling issue! We got giants knocking at our front door – how the heck can you talk so casually about it as if this was a philosophy club!?」
「Aya: Alright let's review the situation. We have 10 giants, 4.5 goblins (2 down and 0.5 meaning one was half health and currently affected by poison damage), and a swarm of wild man-eating bugs that got attracted to us during the battle. We are currently hiding in our last possible stronghold and we only have about two turns to reverse the situation. I am open to any suggestions.」
「Jayden: YOU DON'T HAVE AN IDEA YOURSELF, YOU WITCH!」
「Aya: Meryl, you start off first.」
「Jayden: DON'T IGNORE ME!」
「Meryl: Mmm. Ah-ha! Maybe I can use Poison Arrows again! I can hit the giants through a murder hole-like crack and have Codwin place a Hold Person style spell to keep them from crushing our hideout. Just like the cool guy from the movie 'Triple X', we'll wait for them to die of old age—er, poison damage I mean.」
That was when the DM interrupted by making the sound of a 'you're wrong' buzzer. What was this, Jeopardy!?
「DM: These giants are a special breed of mountain dwellers who practically eat poisoned roots and plants for tea and breakfast. They're immune to any toxic traps or spells completely. Plus they're too big for regular Hold Person to have any effect on. You need a Divine Level Hold to do anything, and even then they'll be immobile for five turns max. 」
「Codwin: Bother. I was planning to use a special spell that could even constrict the movements of a dragon. A shame it can't be used in this case.」
「Jayden: W-wait a minute! Our Orc Paladin has magic that can make a full-on nuke shut up, but you won't let it work on these freaking overgrown popcorns!? That's too O.P. (over powered)! No scratch that – IT'S REVERSE O.P.!」
「DM: *Shrugs* Rules are rules.」
「Jayden: God. If it comes down to this, I'll just have to buff my swords with maximum damage and ram them up those giants' a**!」
Just I had finished that sentence, Simple – who had promised to stay quiet the entire time – suddenly jumped in his seat with wide eyes.
「Simple: …Hold it. Mr. Codwin, do you still have the ropes you bought in the last town?」
「Codwin: …Yes. And Codwin is fine, Simple.」
「Simple: Miss Aya. You have an Animate Rope spell, right? What are it's specs?」
「Aya: Mmm. It allows the target rope to have a will of its own and it's able to move in any 360 degree direction per turn. Also, you can call me Ay'Ay to make it easier for you.」
At that time, I thought 'how the deuce is turning a three-letter name into a four-letter one make it any easier'?
「Jayden: …Simple? Are you alright? You're suddenly shaking all over. I can't tell if you've just seen a nasty ghost or—」
Either I was talking too quietly or Simple was too zoned out, because he didn't hear me at all while he was working feverishly for some reason.
「Simple: Miss Meryl, I have a request!」
「Meryl: Oka~y. But only if you refer to me as Milady Maid Marian.」
Seriously people! Stop giving him random names!
「Simple: Milady Maid Marian! (He actually said it!?) I ask that you lend me your Grapple Hooks! And Sir…Er, Codwin! Please pass me the ropes that you have!」
Codwin and Meryl immediately handed over the requested items to Simple and he began to…well, plan something out with them. Next, Simple whipped out a series of parchment paper along with an ink pen and started to frantically draw out all sorts of diagram and texts across it. Sweat was practically building up over his forehead as he wrote his thoughts and calculations out.
Though the giants were banging away at our cave, the atmosphere was silent. Simple had always been a quiet person, working hard in behind the scenes to keep us healed and well buffed with bonus powers so we could focus on facing the enemy without fear…But this silence…was just vicious. None of us dared to even move a muscle in fear that even the slightest micro-sound would shatter Simple's intense concentration.
Even the DM watched him carefully, too curious for his own good.
「DM: …You. New guy. What do you have in mind?」
「Simple: …Sorry. If I told you, then this whole idea would be pointless. No comment.」
…Oooooh. Shot – down. Serves that jerk of a DM right. I was pretty much grinning when I watched him squirm in discomfort.
After a full minute of thinking, Simple hatched his plan…I will tell you now that it was freaking – ingenious.
「Simple: Put the necessary pieces together and…Alright! The stage is set! I start this round with my turn! DRAW!」
We all watched in amazement as Simple whipped out one of the several parchments into the air. For a moment, I could have sworn he resembled a certain King of Card Games.
「DM: …Draw?」
「Meryl: Oooooh! Simple suddenly went from Courage the Cowardly Dog to Alexander the Great!」
「Aya: Indeed. Even though I'm a Demoness, this cleric's burst of charisma is giving me a wonderful feeling. What a serious man.」
「Simple: I use Codwin's Rope and Meryl's Grapple Hook to turn them into a hooked cable! FUSION!」
「DM: …Okay.」
「Jayden: Ho-hooo. Who'd had thought Simple could be this intense. This should be good.」
「Simple: Then I will ask Codwin to smash open the cave door.」
「Jayden: …HAH?!」
「DM: …What?」
「Meryl: …」
「Aya: …」
「Codwin: …I beg your pardon?」
「Simple: …If sacrifices are to be made…let me be the only one to accept that burden…」
「Codwin: …,…,…,…I take out my best warhammer, Madame Butterfly, and use Mighty Smash to break apart the cave entrance! Onward my lovely lady~~ MIGHTY SMAAAAAAAAAAAASH!」
「Jayden: …ARE YOU INSANE!? THE GIANTS WILL—」
「DM: Too late. Codwin uses his Paladin powers and obliterates the cave completely. Now, the giants march in like the Stormtroopers invading Princess Leia's cruiser and they—」
「Simple: REVERSE CARD! (Whips out another parchment) I have Milady Maid Marian use her Ice Block spell to hit the first giant coming at us. Go, Milady!」
「Meryl: …,…D20 rolled!...Yes! Whopping 16! I shoot my enchanted arrow in the giant's knee – meme shamelessly intended!」
「DM: 16? Tch it's a hit. Fine – your bolt strikes the giant and it's now covered in frost from the waist down. It can't move for the next 15 seconds – but the other giants lumber around it to—」
「Simple: Magic Invoker – TRIGGER! I call upon Aya the Demoness to cast Animate Rope on the hooked cable, to bring it to life! Aya!」
「Aya: …I see. Then I cast Animate Rope onto Simple's item! Awaken to my voice, my darling, and serve your master with all your heart and soul!」
「Jayden: DON'T THROW IN NEEDLESS INNUENDOS AT A TIME LIKE THIS!」
「Simple: Sir Jayden!」
「Jayden: WHAT?!」
「Simple: …You're right, I'm a total newbie. I'm a terrible fighter. I can't use almighty magic. Even if I can heal others, I'm still incapable of reversing the situation at times like this. So, I decided to be selfish.」
「Jayden: …Selfish? Explain.」
「Simple: I don't want a bad ending. Even if we won't become proud winners – I refuse to let anyone die. That's why I'm going to take this chance to make things right. For Codwin, for Aya, for Milady Maid Marian, and even for you, Sir Jayden. You all accepted me despite the fact that I was a total stranger, and had taken me this far in my very first campaign…So let me be selfish just this once, and allow me to borrow your swords, Sir Jayden.」
「Jayden: …,…,…,…Take it. Have my Iron Longsword +3 Damage, my Wind Rapier +2 Dexterity, my Dune Scimitar +4 Defense…Fudge it. I open my pocket dimension to unload enough swords to fill two Boeing 747 hangars! They're all enchanted with whatever buff I could cast in this turn, so take them all Simple!」
「Simple: …U-uuh. Sorry. I can only carry two. Th-thank you for the offer though.」
「Jayden: And Simple…I'm putting you down for 20 bucks. Regardless of the results – you're worth it.」
「Simple: …Thank you for trusting me, Sir Jayden.」
「DM: …Ahem. While you two are casually chatting away, the giant who is half-frozen over begins to break at the ice restraint. You have less than 5 seconds—」
「Simple: I now unite everything I have in my hand – hook (Meryl), cable (Codwin), Animate spell (Aya), and dual swords (Jayden) – to create a new magical weapon! I fusion summon…THE THREE-DIMENSIONAL MANEUVERING GEAR!」
…,…,…,….…Impossible. This…this is just impossible.
The Three Dimensional Maneuvering Gear…THAT 3DMG!?
A-and we're facing giants right now…NO – FREAKING – WAY!
「Jayden: …Oh…my…god…」
「DM: …YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!?」
At that moment, the atmosphere suddenly flipped around. It was so sudden, even the giants hesitated to strike out at us.
「Simple: I throw down an Attack Roll to begin my assault!」
And then the Cleric, who was best in working in the background while supporting us, took a huge leap forward to turn the situation around.
He threw the dice that would decide everything in that split second…and he landed…
…,…,…,…,…A freaking Natural 20.
「Simple: …YES! I launch my enchanted hook cable and attach it against the frozen giant's shoulder. GOOOOOOOO!」
Simple took flight with a jump, the Animate Rope winding up the stretched cable like a high-powered winch to give him forward momentum, and zipped straight for the giant's neck in a blur.
「DM: I can't believe this! You can't just drag something like a whole Anime series into a game like this! Even if we aren't worried about copyright infringement, this is totally against the rules and you know it!」
「Simple: In war, there are no such things as rules. The moment you step on the battlefield – you win at all cost! That is what a great person taught me!」
Codwin, Meryl, Aya, and I all just stared at Simple in awe, jaws hanging wide open. Was this guy…for real?
「Simple: Aim for the nape…One meter vertically…10 centimeters horizontally…THERE! THAT'S WHERE I'LL STRIKE! HAAAAAAAH!」
*SHIIIIIING*
「Jayden: …Ah.」
「Aya: …This is...」
「Meryl: …N…no way…」
「Codwin: …Instant kill.」
「DM: …*Bleep*…」
With a magnificent slash of his two blades…Simple carved out a huge chunk of flesh that was part of the giant's neck. Now that part of its spine was severed…the results were obvious.
「DM: …You killed a giant that could even eat poison for breakfast…with Anime technology made out of random parts…What the heck are you, MacGyver!?」
「Aya: He…actually slayed that giant…in one blow?」
「Meryl: Woooow! That's the coolest finishing move I've ever seen since a Barbarian's version of the 'People's Elbow!'」
「Codwin: In-incredible. The damage dealt from behind would be a significant bonus, but if you add in the effects of a Natural 20, as well as a direct blow to the neck…By the gods…」
「Jayden: …It's over 9000 damage! (90 actually)」
「Simple: Everyone! Follow me!」
「All: Eh?」
As Simple swung around through the air with his enchanted cables and twin blades, he gave us a big shining grin and slapped a fist of a salute to his heart.
「Simple: Let's become the Survey Corp!」
…Christmas Day just arrived for us.
「All: GUNG-HO! GUNG-HO! GUNG-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!」
Heh. Wasting no time at all with an epic inspiration like that – we got more ropes and grapple hook, shot spell after spell of Animate Rope, passed out every type of super-sharp and super-buffed blade we could grab our hands on – and we took flight for the killing.
Cue 'Reluctant Heroes'.
「DM: S-stop! You can't do this! You're just killing those over-powered giants as if they were ants under a waiting boot! I've been planning this encounter for weeks and this isn't how things are supposed to go! Screw you, you jerks!」
「Me: Heh. This is what you get for screwing us over on a whim, jerkface! Now watch as we bring down the house – with style! HA-HAAAAAAA! 」
We rolled our attack damages one after another and dove in like angry bees – no; freaking F-22 Raptors of the United States Air Force man! The giants that had cornered us like bloodhounds to a rabbit-hole, were now being runned down like rabbits themselves.
Dang. It feels good to be the hunter!
「Jayden: Hyah! I fire a cable to hit the giant in the forehead and zip in to jab five swords into its face consecutively! I then whip around and hack of its head to let it dangle by the neck!」
「Aya: Shaa! I fly directly towards one giant to slice through its Adam's apple and burst out from the back of its head. I can't help but enjoy myself as I lick off the blood from my blades with full on seduction.」
「Codwin: Hup! I approach three giants and anchor my hooked cables into the first one's ear. I swing around like a morning star to use my greatsword to cleave through the other two giants' heads, and then I finish off the first by entwining my wires around its neck to become a noose.」
「Meryl: YEE-HAAAAAAAW! I fly right past a group of giants that are trying to escape and I slash at their ankles to cripple them. I then cast Icicle Stakes to grow ice spikes from the ground and they fall to their dead on them, ripping out their necks, innards, and everything! To add salt to injury, I use my swords to carve 'Meryl was here' across their backs! Kyaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa! 」
In no time at all, all 10 giants went to zero giants! As for the 4.5 goblin army and a pack of angry man-eating bugs…
「DM: GAAAAAAAH! You win! You win, alright!? In the chaos of the giant's total annihilation, their corpses come crashing down and squish all four of the goblins to death. As for the last goblin with half health, the man-eating insects changed their mind about eating you, seeing how over-powered you suddenly became, and decided to just eat the goblin instead and end up dying from its poison effect. There! End of story! Now take your stupid reward and XPs, I don't care anymore! I quit! I can't stand playing with you guys again!」
With that, the defeated DM threw a kiddy tantrum, flipped both his chair over and a bird at us, then stormed out of the building, never to be heard from again.
「Jayden: …That…was epic.」
「Aya: Though it was a short moment…that was even more thrilling than all of my previous DnD sessions combined…」
「Codwin: Indeed. It was a satisfying battle of great proportions.」
「Meryl: Wow. The blood, the gore, the ecstasy. This overwhelming feeling is just like when I first got addicted to DnD. Aaaaaah. It's so nostalgic.」
「Simple: …I'm so sorryyyyyy~.」
「All: …Eh?」
We all turned to Simple when he gave that weird sounding 'sorry' as if a beach ball got its air punched out. It hasn't been a full minute after the DM stormed off when the same Cleric that saved our hides just collapsed in his seat with a gasp.
「Simple: Forgive me…I was too reckless.」
「Meryl: …What do you mean?」
「Codwin: You won, didn't you. What's there to apologize for?」
「Simple: Uh…I didn't win…it was really a gamble.」
「Aya: …A gamble?」
「Simple: …I should have came up with a less dangerous idea, but I couldn't think of anything while I was breaking under the pressure. H-however when Jayden inspired me with what he said earlier, a thought clicked in my head and I went with it without thinking…」
「Jayden: …What the heck did I say?」
Simple then clasped his hands together to make a hand-gun out of it and did a poking-up motion.
「Simple: Er…'I'll shove my sword up their a-hole'」
「All: …」
…Dude. Did we just won against a gang of 10 poison-immune giants, 6 goblins, and a pack of overgrown man-eating insects, acquired all the money and experience points we want, and made the stone-faced jerk DM storm out of the building like an angry 10 year old – all just because he freaked out and got inspired by a random joke I blurted out?
…,…,…,…Screw it. This kid is hired.
SESSION_END
~See You Next Adventure~