Ah, another beautiful day in the world of FanFiction.
It's also a beautiful day in the real world, but who cares about playing outside?
Nope, instead, I'm wasting your time with a story.
But before we get to the story, we need a disclaimer.
Well, I'll ask you something: how many people do you know who own Harry Potter?
Hint: It's the same number as the number of talented musicians.
I mean, for some reason, you come on FF to read some story by a person who doesn't even own the story!
For all we know, I could be some dork who has nothing better to do than to write stories.
Or maybe I'm a stalker. Hmm. I am pretty good at stalking people.
Or maybe I'm a spammer, spamming the world with spam.
For all I know, you're not even reading this. You just skipped right down to the story.
Wow. Talk about disrespect.
Dis-R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Find out what it means to me.
"Can you just shut up and get to the story?" you ask.
No! I have freedom of speech.
I also have a right to bear arms.
Which we could change to...
The right to arm bears.
Yup. Now we just wait for the bears to call war on us.
You know what would add some spice to this disclaimer?
Some spice.
Yeah. Spice. And sugar.
I THINK I'M HYPERACTIVE!
SO SWEET!
And now I think this disclaimer will become longer than the actual story.
Sucks for you.
Actually, I should make a whole story about my disclaimers. They're awesome. Just click onto my profile and look at all the amazing disclaimers.
Back?
Oh. K.
So what do you want to do now?
"So will you please let me read the story?"
Nah. I'm in the mood to play Monopoly.
10 LONG HOURS OF MORTGAGING LATER...
Aw. You win. Rematch?
10 MORE LONG HOURS OF MORTGAGING LATER...
This is probably the longest disclaimer EVAH.
I HAS EKSITEMINT.
:)
I 3 Emoticons.
They're awesome.
You know that on Facebook, (^^^) turns into a shark?
And (") is a penguin?
FF should have emoticons. But they don't.
It so stupid.
:(
You know what's ironic?
Choking to death on a Lifesaver.
I know. It's so ironic.
And while we're on the subject, what about oxymorons?
You know, contradicting words.
Like deafening silence.
Lots of people consider jumbo shrimp to be an oxymoron, but I don't.
Wow, would you look at the disclaimer? It's already a page long.
Woops. There it is. Looks like I got carried away.
"JUST LET ME READ THE SHTUPID STORY ALREADY!"
All right, sheesh! All you had to do was ask.
I don't own Harry Potter. Sheesh.
It all came down to this.
Voldemort, all of his Death Eaters, on one side of the graveyard, the very one where James and Lily were buried...
And Harry, on the other, armed only with his wand, and Fluffy the three-headed dog.
Harry sat on a tombstone while Fluffy ripped the heads off of numerous Death Eaters. He grabbed a water bottle. He knew how this would go. First, the big fight. Many unimportant people will die, bla bla bla.
Then Voldemort would get up and give a speech.
He and Voldemort would circle each other, all the while having a boring debate over how love is clearly more powerful than magic.
Then Voldemort would make some big mistake, some weird magical thing would happen that Harry has never heard of, and Dumbledore will come back from the dead to explain everything.
Okay. Lots of people dead on the ground. Check.
Now Voldymort – or "Flight From Death," pronounced Vol-de-more, as everyone knows that he is a Frenchman – was giving his speech.
"I have waited many long years for this moment."
Harry cleared his throat.
"Didn't you say that 3 years ago?"
Voldemort growled at him.
"Crucio," he muttered. "Now, as I was saying, for 17 long years, Harry has been protected by a substance know as love. His mother's love saved him from many deaths.
"But the same charm that once protected him is now gone."
Harry was getting bored.
"Can we get on with this? I have a meeting with Ms. Rowling."
Voldemort was getting steamed.
"And so I came back from the dead-"
"Without a nose-"
"I raided the Ministry of Magic-"
"And epically failed-"
"I killed Dumbledore-"
"Well, technically, it was Snape, and Dumbledore ordered Snape to kill him-"
"And I have taken over the Ministry of Magic!"
"You mean the Ministry of Morons?"
That was it for Moldy Shorts. He threw a temper tantrum.
"SHUT UP! SILENCIO!"
Harry shut his trap.
"And now, Harry, you see, there is no way out of this."
Harry looked around. He suddenly realized that he was completely surrounded. Somehow, he managed to break the spell on him, just so he could talk.
"Okay, I understand that you seriously hate me, and you want a glorious kill, and that you can't let me out, but seriously, Fluffy is getting hungry. Can I run to Walmart? I need to buy some fish sticks."
Voldemort couldn't take it anymore.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Harry was caught off guard. They hadn't started to circle yet, so why was Riddle trying to kill him? It was against the rules of every cliché book series. But his life was flashing before his eyes, and now-
"He's dead!" exclaimed Bellatrix.
Harry Potter. Famed wizard, but no talent at all. Now dead.
So in a normal story, this would be the end.
But what happens next?
Voldemort couldn't believe it. He had worked so long to kill Harry. He couldn't believe he was finally dead.
He realized the Death Eaters were trying to get his attention.
Lucius spoke first.
"Congratulations, Lord. You are truly the greatest wizard of all time. But I must ask – what are we supposed to do now?"
Voldemort thought about that. He had focused so hard on killing Harry, he didn't actually know what he wanted to do after he killed the boy.
"Bellatrix!" he snapped. "What's on the evil agenda?"
Bella looked.
" 'Sunday: Kill Harry Potter. Monday: Kill Harry Potter. Tuesday: Kill Harry Potter. Wednesday: Kill Harry Potter. Thursday: Kill Harry Potter. Friday: Have a beach party. Saturday: Kill Harry Potter.' We're free, my Lord. There's nothing left to do. Do you want me to arrange a playdate with Wormtail?"
Voldemort was shocked at the idea.
"A playdate? With Wormtail? No way! I want to have a playdate with Rumbleroar instead!"
"Absolutely, my Lord. But it will take at least a day for Rumbleroar to come to Earth. What would you like to do in the meantime? Would you like to kill some Muggles?"
Voldemort couldn't believe it.
"Here I am, the Lord of the Earth, and yet I am bored to death. I have conquered everyone! But there's nothing to do. There is something, my subjects, that I have learned from this experience."
The Death Eaters realized that they were supposed to listen closely.
"This is what I have realized... I need to become Lord of the Solar System. Then I will be truly happy."
The Death Eaters were silent. Then-
"I think that is a genius plan," said Crabbe.
"I couldn't of thought of anything better," agreed Goyle.
Nobody realized that Voldemort would be bored even when he was the Lord of the Solar System. They didn't point out that he'd want to be the Lord of the Galaxy then, and after that, Lord of the Universe.
Well, maybe someone would have thought of that. But if so, they didn't have the chance. Because for some reason, everyone had forgotten about the massive three-headed dog sitting right next to them, who happened to be very hungry.
Fluffy opened his mouths and chowed down.
So? Como estas? How was it?
Amazing?
On a scale of 1 through 10, with 1 being
The best a story can get,
and 10 being
Slightly better than that,
please rate this story.
And then, please, review.
Because Fluffy is still hungry, and I met just let him out of him cage if I don't get enough reviews.