What about my life?
Because it's time he's stopped talking about his plans and started acting on them.
Episode 24 broke me. I needed to write this...
Title comes from Kati Wolf's "What about my dreams?"
The full verse goes:
What about my life? What about my dreams?
What about how I feel? What about my needs?
I can't hold back, I can't go back, I must be free
What about how I feel? What about my life?
Somehow I can only think about this episode while hearing this song haha...
He's the first to find out; before every news source has it plastered on the front page. When he finally does read the article, all it does is confirm what he'd already learned from Totoko-chan.
His beloved Nyaa-chan is retiring.
His beloved Nyaa-chan is retiring because she's getting married.
His beloved Nyaa-chan is retiring because she's getting married to some rich IT guy.
When he finally does read the article, he's already had some time to process it. Something in it him stopped when he heard about it from Totoko-chan. His heart probably, seeing as it leaped to his throat and prevented him from saying anything (though at the time, Totoko-chan was trilling about it quite a bit, so he probably wouldn't have been able to say anything even if he could speak). He was in a daze for the rest of that day, his mind fixated on Nyaa-chan in a white dress, in a chapel, standing next to someone tall (he had to be tall), smart and handsome.
Someone accomplished.
The news went public that night, and suddenly every forum and fansite was filled with the unadulterated rage and anguish of millions of fanboys, bitching about Nyaa-chan's new beau and how completely unsuited he was for their angel.
What, and you're suited?
Choromatsu clicks 'Post' before he can process what he's just written, but by then it's too late. He quickly becomes the new target of rage, getting call-out post after call-out post, all more or less saying the same thing, until he finally tires of reading them, closes out of the forum, and just stares at the blank desktop.
Ha…haha…haha…
He laughs. He's lucky he's alone because the peals of his mad choking laughter would either raise questions or get something tossed at him, and he doesn't feel like dealing with either right now. He just laughs because it's all so stupid. Nyaa-chan's fanboys are morons who just put her on a pedestal and can't accept that she'd actually want to marry someone who fucking accomplished something in his life. They can do nothing but make themselves feel better by putting down anyone more accomplished than them.
Kinda like you, huh?
He's happy for Nyaa-chan, he decides. She worked hard to get where she is and she deserves someone who worked hard to get where he is.
He keeps repeating this as his tears stain the autographed poster he'd camped out for two days in the coldest days of winter to get.
"Oh, Totoko-chan left for Singapore!"
Huh?
"Yeah, she decided to quit the idol business and study abroad to learn the language."
Couldn't she just take classes here? No, wait that's not the issue!
"We'll tell her you stopped by, when she calls next time, alright?"
Totoko-chan is…gone?
"Now then, how about you take home a nice fresh salmon? I'll give you a special childhood friend discount!"
Totoko-chan…
His parents are grateful for the fish.
They praise him for going out of his way to contribute to the household (pathetic contribution that this is), and he smiles slightly despite himself. He doesn't remember the last time he's been praised for anything—deserved to be praised for anything. He doesn't think the fish he was all but conned into buying while making a social call counts as deserving of praise, but when his ears heat up, his heart swells, and he feels like he's actually done something, he can only smile meekly and say thank you. The feeling lingers, even after the deed is more or less forgotten.
That night they all eat sushi made from that fish, when he drops the news about Totoko-chan's trip. The reaction is as expected, with all of his brothers devastated and resentful.
"What's Singapore have that we don't?" Osomatsu grumbles.
"Let's find out!" Jyuushimatsu's bags will be packed immediately if he's not stopped, which Ichimatsu thankfully does with,
"Let's not. The sunburn from the desert hasn't healed yet."
"Choromatsu-nii-san, you said she went there to learn the language, right?" Todomatsu purses his lips, "Why not just take classes here or something?"
"I understand it well," Karamatsu smirks, hiding the despair he'd just felt moments earlier. Choromatsu sincerely doubts he understands, but he doesn't care to ask.
"Ah, and she's gone and quit being an idol as well," Osomatsu pouts, "Well that must really suck for you, Choromatsu. Losing both your girls in a row like this."
He's somewhat startled that Osomatsu knows about Nyaa-chan's retirement, but just shrugs and responds with an indignant, "I'll manage."
"Yeah, he'll just find a new idol to worship before the week is out. Just watch!" Todomatsu teases.
He doesn't.
Nyaa-chan was one thing. Deep down Choromatsu was always aware that while he'd never stop being her fan, he wouldn't be an active idol chaser all his life. He was also aware that she was unattainable—she belonged with guys who made something of themselves. So hearing that she was moving on hurt, but he was somewhat prepared for it.
He wasn't prepared for Totoko-chan leaving.
Someone as cute as Totoko-chan deserved to be happy. She deserved to be with an oil magnate—those guys ran entire empires so obviously they were accomplished. Totoko-chan was accomplished too. They went together.
He'd been trying to make it big as an oil magnate himself (and still had the sunburn to prove it) when she left, so he wasn't sure what it was that spurred Totoko-chan to leave so suddenly, but the way her parents said it, she wanted to say goodbye to her old self and grow.
Why? She's already perfect.
But even despite that, she's working to better herself. What are you doing?
He finds himself eating fish more often. The aroma reminds him of her.
He's going to get a job.
He's sick of being a NEET. Every time he's in their room when he should be job hunting (not hunting at this point, working), he feels sick to his stomach. He wants nothing more than to punch Osomatsu's shitty grin whenever he's reveling in NEETdom. Yet he wants nothing more than to punch Totty's smug face whenever his latest social climbing scheme is in the works.
At least Todomatsu was trying though. Failing, but trying.
Failing, because in the end Choromatsu and his brothers were no better than Nyaa-chan's self-serving fanboys who could only hurl unkind words and putdowns at upstanding members of society.
He wants nothing more than to move past that. He wants to announce that to the world, but if he sticks his neck out, it'll just get chopped again. He should just take action already. Todomatsu's advice that time was sound, he knows.
But how can he even try to take action when the people whose support he needs most are the one's holding him back?
"I want a job."
It's been three weeks since Nyaa-chan's engagement. Two since Totoko-chan's disappearance. He's sick of his house, his joblessness, everything!
He's sick of his weakness most of all. How he can do nothing but sit in front of his parents, fists clenched on his knees, as tears and snot just run down his face.
No one else is home now. He's let enough of these opportunities slip by.
"Mom, Dad, please! I don't want to be a NEET anymore. I can't take this anymore," he's 10 years old all over again, and Osomatsu's—his then-sworn brother (more so than his other brothers) is picking on him. That's the only time he remembers crying like this, and just like then, his parents just watch him with stern expressions, making no moves to comfort him.
"I want to get a job, and move out, and get married and have kids. I'm sick of living like this," he sobs, "But I can't…I just…can't…" he starts coughing, the words no longer willing to form.
What can I even say? I tried? Did I? Did I really? Didn't I just use Osomatsu-nii-san and the others as an excuse?
What does he even expect his parents to do? They can't magically fix all this. Knowing that may well be the only way he's grown up.
"Choromatsu."
His father's voice is low and stern. Completely different from the hot-tempered quick-to-shout father he's known all his life.
"Prepare a resume and a suit."
"Dad?"
"I have a friend whose looking to hire someone for his office," his father explained, "I can't get you the job, but if you are really serious about this, I will ask him to consider you." There was an unspoken implication in those words.
If you don't take this seriously, I will never be able to help you again.
He bursts into tears again, louder, even more childish sobs this time.
This time though, there is a warm hand on his back, and through tear-blurred eyes, he can see his mother's kind smile.
It only makes him cry harder.
He doesn't tell his brothers about this.
They don't notice (or care, really—that's more likely to be it) that he's buckled down, pouring over business manuals, pacing around the house in a suit mumbling to himself, ignoring all invites to go drinking or partying, and generally not even rising to the usual taunts. They leave him alone mostly—it's no fun to bully someone who doesn't react after all.
He doesn't react because in his mind, there is only his interview. As promised, his father gave his resume to his friend, and it must have actually been good, because the friend agreed to an interview. Still no promises, no guarantees, nothing but a chance. A chance that Choromatsu would rather die than let slip.
It's his final chance. He can't fail again. He can't. He can't. He can't. He can't.
On the day of his interview, he sleeps poorly, takes two bites of breakfast and promptly throws up in the kitchen sink. He feels gross. He wants to cry, to run back to bed and pretend he never asked for help—final chance—but he won't.
His knuckles are white gripping the counter so tightly—not to support his body while it painfully betrays him, but to stay rooted where he is. He won't run away again.
When the retching stops and he's shaking in place—knuckles still white—a warm towel suddenly appears in front of him.
"Here," Osomatsu waves it in front of him with a resigned smile.
"T-thanks." Choromatsu is startled by this, but he takes the towel and cleans up, while Osomatsu just pats his back, as if this is no big deal for him.
"You alright now?"
"Y-yeah, I think so."
"Good. You really scared the crap out of me!"
"Sorry…"
"I mean, I felt you tossing and turning last night too. If this is the beginning of a stomach flu, we're all in for hell."
"No, no… just… nerves."
"Hmm," Osomatsu considers it, and nods, "Well, that's a relief for the rest of us then. But if you're this worked up about something, it can't be good. What's up?"
Choromatsu won't tell his brothers about his interview. If there's even one comment against him, he'll break.
"Nothing, I'm…fine. I-I need to go. No wait, I need to clean up here first." Osomatsu sighs and holds his hand up to stop him.
"Go. I'll clean up."
"Huh?"
No really, huh!?
"You're in a hurry, right?" Osomatsu smiles and claps him on the back, "Good luck."
Does Osomatsu-nii-san know?
It's the only thing Choromatsu can think about now. He knows he hasn't said anything, and his brothers—Osomatsu, especially—were too dumb to figure things out on their own so how…? Then again, Osomatsu did sometimes—like this morning, don't be ungrateful—come through for them, and seemed to be pretty up to date with what went on in their lives, so maybe it wasn't that shocking…
Good luck.
Thank you... Osomatsu-nii-san.
All of Choromatsu's nerves seemed to dissipate with those words. He feels nothing but calm during his interview, answering every question promptly and clearly, and easily asking his own questions. His interviewer is clearly impressed with him. His father's friend is visibly satisfied.
Choromatsu goes home feeling like he isn't a failure.
He gets the offer the next week.
His nerves threaten to destroy him all week (but they don't because Osomatsu's "Good luck." still echos in his head), and when he finally hangs up the phone, repeating "Thank you" over and over, tears are streaming down his face.
He doesn't care that his brothers are all in the room when this is happening and are at a loss… especially when they realize Choromatsu is smiling.
"Ch-Choromatsu?" Karamatsu looks like he wants to reach out and touch him, but doesn't know if he should get close.
"H-hey, what's wrong?" Todomatsu is on the verge of panic, "There's no need to cry, right? Osomatsu-nii-san, say something!" Osomatsu just stares.
Choromatsu thinks his parents probably deserved to know first, but he wouldn't have even gone to the interview if not for Osomatsu's encouragement that morning, so he accepts Todomatsu's offered handkerchief, quickly dries his eyes, takes a deep breath and says,
"I got a job."
At once the atmosphere in the room changes. Everyone's faces freeze in place, and suddenly Choromatsu wonders if he did the right thing. Did he stick out his neck too far again? He finds himself turning to Osomatsu for help, but Osomatsu's face seems the blankest of all.
H-hey, say something…please?
"That's…great!"
It isn't Osomatsu who says that.
It's Todomatsu, whose shocked face suddenly melts into a wide grin. Not only his. Karamatsu drops his usual smirk in favor of an actual happy smile, Jyuushimatsu's grin looks like it will overtake his face, and even Ichimatsu wears a small satisfied smile.
Osomatsu's face remains blank.
"Congratulations!" Karamatsu says, "Where at?"
"A company that Dad's friend owns." Choromatsu isn't used to being the center of attention like this. He finds it hard to look at any of his brothers' faces. His own faces feels warm.
"Ah so nepotism," Ichimatsu nods sagely.
"No!" Chormatsu objects, "I had to study hard for this! And go through an interview!"
"Aw lay off, Ichimatsu," Todomatsu chides.
"I was kidding."
"Congratulations! Congratulations!" Jyuushimatsu hops excitedly around him.
"Yeah, seriously!"
"I always had faith in you, brother."
"Y-you guys…"
"An interview?"
Osomatsu's face remains blank.
"You had an interview?"
Huh?
"Didn't you know?" Choromatsu's smile wavers, "I mean, it was because of you that…"
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Osomatsu tilts his head back, as if remembering something.
"Ah. So that's what it was."
Without another word, he gets up and leaves the room.
Osomatsu's face remains blank.
His parents are ecstatic. His mother cries as she hugs him, and his father thanks God for this miracle (Choromatsu can't help but share the sentiment). His brothers, Todomatsu especially, tease him mercilessly about it all, but he can tell they're genuinely (genuinely!) happy for him.
One accomplishment turns into another as his newfound employment leads to him renting a dorm. He can't believe it. He talked so much about getting a job and moving out (and then never doing anything), but now it was actually happening! He isn't a NEET anymore. That fate can be escaped!
And yet, he still finds himself wavering.
He finds himself wavering because Osomatsu's face remains blank.
His expression hadn't changed since the announcement.
Choromatsu is scared to look at him.
Osomatsu-nii-san…please…don't make that face…
He isn't going to turn away now. Going to that interview, getting the job, packing away all his things in preparation to move out (he is actually moving out!)… it's exhilarating. It wasn't even about the praise and support (actual support!) from his family. He actually feels good that he finally did something. And he wants to keep doing something. He wants to follow Nyaa-chan and Totoko-chan. He wants to discard his old self and grow. He wants to accomplish things.
He isn't going to apologize for this.
…But he knows he can't leave things like this either.
He'll write a letter.
To everyone.
This is the first time I've ever written a letter, so I'm nervous.
'What's this out of the blue?' 'Gross.'
'Is your self-awareness rising again?' I'm sure you all might think that,but this is my first time living apart from all of you.
I'm sort of embarrassed to say it face-to-face, so I thought I'd write a letter.
When I finally found a job…
A/N: Thank you for reading. I hope you liked it. This episode just really stuck several chords with me. Not just the soul-crushing letter skit and its brutal cliffhanger, but also Totoko's insecurities and well, all of Choromatsu's insecurities throughout the series (I've always related to him the most). And now Osomatsu's being stuck in place like this...
I'm graduating college this semester, and was actually ordering stuff for graduation while writing this fic so this all... being able to grow up and face the future... just really important to me.
Here's hoping for a happy resolution to Episode 25!