Colder Weather
Summary: This is not Arizona's dream and suddenly, there is only one thing she knows to do now. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, in the end the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Spoilers: 7x16
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings and events thereof, are properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Author's Note: Just my little continuation of the ending scene of 7x16. Giving Arizona and this couple more of a voice! :) Reviews are always appreciated
"It's a winding road
When your in the lost and found
You're a lover I'm a runner
We go 'round 'n 'round
And I love you but I leave you
I don't want you but I need you
You know it's you who calls me back here"
Colder Weather- Zac Brown Band
The morning catches Calliope completely off guard these days; it seems as if she has just closed her eyes and drifted away when the sunshine breaks through the blinds, dances across their hardwood floor and brings her from her peaceful sleep. It seems as if she has finally given into her unconscious thoughts , that she has finally stopped worrying about her relationship with Arizona, about her friendship with Mark when the painful reality echoes her every move. This morning, very much like all the rest, is certainly no different. As a husky groan rumbles from her lips, she curses the morning that now brings her from her much needed sleep, Calliope Torres hates mornings. No, she grumbles, like, she really hates them. More than interns, botched surgeries, seventeen hour shifts, broccoli, and the taste of gin. That is a lot of hate.
Yawning, she stretches out, her arm desperately searching for Arizona's petite waist to wrap around but instantly her heart drops in her chest. Opening one eye, she finds the left side of the bed empty, the sheets quaintly tucked in at the sides, the pillow resting upright near the headboard. No wrinkles, no sign of life. Just empty. It was nothing unusual for Arizona to sneak out of bed on the mornings of her early shifts and leave her with a note, telling her of how she didn't want to wake her now that she needs her sleep more than ever. Except, today is her day off and there is no note.
Raising up in the large Queen sized bed, her dark eyes frantically search around the room in hopes of finding something, anything to provide her reassurance. The closet door is thrown open, clothes hangers disregarded onto the floor in a mess of metal and plastic. The drawers of the newly bought chest are all ajar as clothes are strewn all around it. Arizona's clothes. The lump appears in her throat when she notices the silver heart necklace wrapped around the photograph of their desperate hunt for a Christmas tree that bitter cold November day. She wouldn't. Would she?
Running her fingers over the fabric of the pillow cover, she sighs, fighting the bitter tears in her eyes. This isn't the way that she wanted things, this is not the way that she wanted to have her family. She did not want Mark Sloan's child growing inside of her, she did not want her girlfriend to cringe every time that the two of them come within touching distance, she did not want to feel their love slipping through her fingers. But, all of those things are true now and there is nothing that she can do to change them. She can't take it all back and quite frankly, she isn't so sure that she would.
Biting her bottom lip desperately, she pushes herself out of the bed, shivering when her bare feet meet the frigid ice known as hardwood flooring. Instantly her hand rests upon her protruding stomach, hoping to feel the life beneath her fingertips but there is only sleepy silence. Sometimes, she cannot help but wonder if this had been the plan all along for the two of them or if they had screwed fate somehow, if they were really meant to hurt this much. She knew that love was not easy, but she had never expected it to be this hard.
Opening their bedroom door, she is taken back by the aroma of scrambled eggs and the after scent of burnt toast. Without even looking, she knows exactly who has been cooking and chuckles slightly to herself. Of course she would not leave her. Of course not. She left her once but things are different now, so much different. Now there is no Africa, no Carter Madison, nothing except for love and a baby and a family that they both have so desperately longed for. She smiles when she notices the blond hovering over the stove, preparing a plate of eggs and instantly her heart melts, just like that night at Joe's when they shared their first kiss.
Carefully caressing her baby bump, she watches Arizona's swift, almost rhythmical motions as her blond curls frame her beautiful face. There is no-one else on this planet that she would rather raise a baby with than Arizona Robbins, no-one more caring, more understanding, more compassionate, forgiving and loving. She will be the one who does not sleep for the first three weeks because she is afraid that something will happen to their baby, she will be the one who puts the Spiderman band-aids on his knees when he falls out of the trees he climbed or dries her tears when she gets mud on her princess dress. The one who quotes their cartoons, who plays airplane with them, who chases away the shadows. She will be perfect. She is perfect, for their baby, for her.
"Jumping jellybeans!" Arizona shrieks, turning around to find Callie's eyes focused on her. She jumps, slightly startled as she gasps in a breath through her parted lips, her hand leaping onto her chest. The raven haired beauty snickers a laugh, trying to fight the smile upon her face as Arizona labors to catch her breath and when she finally does, a curse falls from her beautiful mouth, "damn it, you just gave me a fucking heart attack!"
"Swear jar," giggles Callie, smiling brightly at her gorgeous girlfriend. At this, Arizona wrinkles her brow, sending a glare in Callie's direction before she rubs her eyes with the back of her fists, muttering something that just misses Calliope's ears and she is not so sure that she wants to hear it.
"Yeah, well, you can take out of the life insurance that you are going to collect from me now that you have just shaved a good ten years off my life. Thanks, by the way. I mean, pft, living to be eighty is so overrated. Who wants to do that, right? Who wants to be grey and wrinkled and old? Oh yeah, that is right, me!" Arizona grumbles. Callie laughs, reaching for her hand as she threads their fingers together, pulling her close to her, finding herself in those beautiful blue eyes.
"Who is all of this for?" Callie asks, pointing at the scrambled eggs and toast on their yellow plate. If she had been more observant, she would have noticed the dark circles under Arizona's eyes, she would have noticed the lines on her face told a completely different story than the once she had once knew. If she had been more observant, she would have noticed the weak smile that briefly flickered upon her face, if she had been more observant she would have realized that Arizona, just wasn't... Arizona.
"Someone has to take care of you. Or else you would be drinking coffee or eating really sugary cereal or doughnuts or something else completely unhealthy. And right now it is really important that you eat healthy. For the both of you," Arizona replies, glancing briefly at the baby bump that is revealed through the fabric of Calliope's night shirt before her eyes study her face once again. Her stomach churns when the smile lights up the Latina's beautiful face, she hates this. Oh God, how she hates this.
"You know, when I woke up and you weren't there, I kind of freaked out. I mean, yesterday was not a good day for us. With Mark and the arguing and the 'I'm the dad!' thing. I thought it would be too much for you to handle. And then when you told me that this wasn't your dream, that you didn't want to share a life with Mark... I felt like I was losing you. And when I woke up and you were gone..." Callie trails off with a sigh, nodding her head quietly to herself as she lets out a heavy sigh.
"You left me once without a goodbye, I should have known that you were not going to do it again. Things are different now than they were when you left for Africa. There is no Carter Madison grant, no Chief pushing you to take the grant. There is you and me. Happiness. A baby. It's different now. You aren't leaving," Callie smiles, placing a chaste kiss upon Arizona's lips.
"Calliope..." Arizona whispers, pulling away from the kiss.
"I know, I know, I need to trust you. I'm sorry. I guess I have been left one too many times in my life. George, Erica and well... you. It is just my instinct to think that I am going to get left again. But I should know better. We have a loving relationship now, a life, a family," Callie chuckles and Arizona shakes her head, her blue eyes pleading with the Latina to stop.
"Callie.. it's not.."
"You know, when I first found out that I was pregnant, I thought about how much this would hurt you. How I screwed you over, how I just ruined all my chances for happiness. But this pregnancy is the best thing to happen to me. It gave me us back. We are having a baby, Arizona. We are going to be a family. You and me. This is our baby," Callie grins, taking Arizona's hands as she places them on her prodding stomach with a squeal of a giggle in excitement. However, the response that she receives is not the response that she had hoped for, instead of the squealing, the smiling, the laughing and kissing, there is only silence as Arizona pulls her hands away and the tears glisten in her eyes.
"That's not our baby. That is your baby. Your baby with Mark. That baby isn't ours," Arizona snaps, taking a step away from Calliope as she pushes her hands outward in front of her. In that second, in that one painful moment, suddenly everything that Calliope Torres had feared was coming true. Suddenly, in that one defining moment, the lines upon Arizona's face were noticed, the pain in her eyes flickered with intensity that Calliope could not miss. Suddenly, everything, although yet unmentioned, had changed.
"Arizona, you don't mean that. You don't..." Callie's voice trails off, however, when she notices the bags sitting by the door and her heart drops in her chest, her lips parting as a gush of air escapes from within her. Arizona's eyes follow hers and instantly her stomach tightens as she closes her eyes, unable to see the pain that she is sure now reflects upon the beautiful face before her.
"Arizona.. what.. I..."
"I am going to stay with Teddy for a little while. I think it is best for the both of us," Arizona whispers, twisting her fingers in her blond curls as she kicks absently at a speck of dirt that Callie can't quite seem to find. Those words, those eleven words echo through the hardening silence of their apartment, those eleven words destroying any hope, any belief that Calliope once had about the family they could be.
"So, you are leaving me?" Callie states, almost surprised that such a thing could even be thought of, let alone be happening to her. Again. Blue eyes find a pair of dark chocolate brown and Arizona can only shake her head, those infamous tears glistening in her eyes. Did she not see it? Was it not written all over her face of just how much she loved her? Didn't she see it, didn't she feel it?
"I am not leaving you. I am just.. relocating," Arizona states in a sigh, "it is best for us right now. And I don't expect you to see that or understand that but.."
"Understand it? Understand what? Understand that you told me that you were in that night after I left Mark's and told you that I wanted you in my future, that I told you that I wanted you in my plan and you said that you were in, that you really weren't? That when you told me this was your baby and that we were together, we really weren't? I mean, there is a lot to understand here, Arizona. And I am sorry if I don't quite understand why you are leaving me. Again." Callie snaps, the anger and betrayal very much present in her voice and Arizona recoils at the sound of it, wincing.
"You're mad," whispers Arizona.
"Damn right I'm mad. What did you expect, Arizona? That I would just smile and be all chummy and offer to help you move into Teddy's place? I don't know why you are doing this, I don't. Maybe you think you are doing the right thing for yourself, for us, and maybe, maybe you are right but all I know is that you seem to be good at walking out of my life lately when I need you the most. You bail. That's what you do, and I don't know why I expected this time to be any different," Callie snaps and Arizona licks her dry lips, the glistening tears flickering in her eyes as she takes a step forward.
"Okay, I get that you are a big hormone casserole right now but you are out of line," Arizona states calmly, locking her jaw tightly in place as she turns her head slightly. For a moment, she watches as Callie retreats at the sight of the tears in her eyes, for a moment there is only raw emotion, for a moment, Arizona wishes that she could just take it all back. The hurt. The Africa. The break up. She just wishes they could take it back to the start.
"I'm out of line? I am out of line? My girlfriend just told me that she was moving out and I am upset. Of course I am not going to be the most rational person in the world right now. Or maybe, maybe I am just getting tired of you bailing on me. How am I supposed to trust you if you don't stick around?" Callie retorts, shaking her head as she studies the blond woman who is more of a stranger in front of her now.
"And how am I supposed to trust you if you don't stay out of Mark Sloan's bed?" Arizona snaps and at this, Callie recoils and the tears fill her eyes. Arizona's stomach churns when she notices the pain reflecting in Calliope and she grinds her teeth down hard; how did they get to this point in their lives? A point that should be filled with happiness and love that is now filled with arguing and despair.
"There it is. It took you, what, five minutes to get to the main point? To get to what you are really mad at. Mark. Me and Mark. You don't trust me with him, even though I keep telling you that Mark and I are just friends, that there is no chance of a romance between him and I. You just don't believe me, do you? I have never given you a reason not to, we were broken up when I slept with him. I've been nothing but honest with you and when it comes down to it, you are still jealous of him. Maybe I am just not enough for you. Maybe you don't want me to be enough," Callie snaps at Arizona and the blond sighs, sniffling as she turns her head away, biting her bottom lip to keep the cries in. At the silence, Callie's heart breaks a little deeper in her chest and she sighs, taking a step toward her girlfriend but she stops when she finds the words to fail her now, the words that Arizona desperately needs to hear from her, the words that she desperately wants to say.
"Arizona.."
"I am a good man in a storm. I am. And sometimes a good man in a storm knows when leaving is best. This isn't something that I want to do, Calliope. I am not just moving in with Teddy because I want a change of scenery or because I like her warm beige colored walls. This is not my dream," Arizona whispers and Callie snorts a chuckle.
"Because of Mark?"
"No, not really. Not because of Mark. Not because you think I am some teenage girl and that I am jealous of him. This isn't my dream. Sharing Christmas's and birthdays with Mark. You think I hate him but I don't, I don't like him but I don't hate him. This isn't my dream. And I am almost positive that you don't even know why," Arizona exclaims, her eyes flickering over to the bags that sit idly by her door as she sniffles.
"I am not in the same situation as you and Mark, no matter how badly you try to include me. This isn't my kid, no matter how much I or you or hell, even Mark wish that it was. Even though I would love it and care for it like it was my own. The two of you.. you are acting like this is something terrible that you have to deal with. But.. what is terrible about it? Mark, he got to sleep with you, he gets a kid and he gets to be a permanent part of your life, he always gets to be around to flirt with you and make inappropriate jokes. And you, you get a gorgeous best friend who constantly flirts with you and you get your baby. And I understand that it was not conceived the way you had planned but you still get a baby. But what do I get?" Arizona sniffles, tossing her head back to keep the tears from falling down her face.
"I get a really nice apartment that you were less than thrilled that I moved into. I get a kid that isn't mine, no matter how much I would love it. I have to share birthdays and Christmas's and holidays and weekends and the kid will play favorites. I get you back but I have to constantly share you with Mark. He is always going to be in your life and there's no.. there are no boundaries with him. I love you enough to not make you choose between me and your best friend but at some point, Calliope, you will understand why I am tired of being the third wheel here. It's Callie and Mark. This great team. But where do I fit? When it's convenient? When he is with Lexie? Come on, let's be realistic here..." Arizona trails off with a cry; a sound that breaks Calliope, that aches her to the core.
"I'm not a parent. I love this baby, Calliope. I love it more than you will ever know. But I am always... always going to be the third parent. When I pick him up from school or take him to the hospital or when I take him to soccer practice, I am always going to be his Mom's lesbian lover. You are the mother and Mark is the father, so, tell me, where do I fit into this dream? Hm? I don't. N-not really. I am always going to have to fight for this baby, while you and Mark don't. And I am always going to have trust in you and trust in Mark that you won't try to take this baby away from me years down the line because it gets hard or things don't work out," Arizona cries.
"You know that is not going to happen..."
"Do I? This isn't my dream. Constantly fighting with Mark for you, for this baby. I will fight until I die to be with you, Calliope. I will. But it gets tiring after a while. You and Mark.. you act like this is so hard, like it is inconvenient and I understand that to an extent but you have no idea how hard this for me," Arizona states, shaking her head as she takes a step back, taking the duffel bag within her hands, the tears now falling freely down her cheeks.
"You think that I am moving out because you are having Mark's baby but that's not it. What you are going through is hard, and I never want you to think that I don't respect that, I do, but you haven't.. you haven't taken a second and realized.. or thought about how I might feel. You are getting exactly what you want. You are getting your dream. But what about my dream? What about what I want?" Arizona states, shifting her weight from one foot to the other and Callie lets out a sigh, the tears brimming within her dark eyes. She does not say anything for a long while, instead she just stands, studying Arizona's tear soaked face and she dies a little more inside.
"I love you, Arizona. I love you," Callie exclaims and Arizona nods her head with a teary smile.
"I know. I love you too. But it's not enough... This... I'm not strong enough to do this right now. To be pushed aside, to be a third wheel. I come back from Africa and you have this little family now and I don't know where I fit. I don't know where I fit in your dream. Maybe I never really did fit in your dream. I-I don't know. You have things to figure out and I do too. I just.. need you to understand that I can't.. I can't be here right now. I can't see you and feel this.. and not... please," Arizona pleads and Callie nods her head, brushing her fingers through her hair.
"It is killing me, Callie. It's killing me not being able to do anything. To sit here and feel like I am losing you to Mark because of a lack of boundaries, to know that you don't trust me, that you haven't even considered that this is hard for me that I.. to.. to... this is the only thing that I know to do. The only right thing for the both of us. I'm.. I'm sorry," Arizona exclaims, throwing her bag over shoulder as she places a kiss upon her cheek, "maybe tomorrow will be better." She whispers before sending a sad smile in her direction as she shuts the blue door behind her. After a few moments, Calliope collapses onto the sofa, cradling her head in her hands as the tears fall down her cheeks.
This is not her dream either, not if it means losing Arizona, not if it means hurting the woman she loves most.
But they will be together soon enough, she cries, because love is enough, she just has to prove it. And she will, every single day if Arizona will give her the chance.
For now, she just has to wait. And Arizona Robbins, while stubborn, and their love, while difficult, is more than worth waiting for.